W dropped the BD and everything moved at lightning speed. Moved into separate bedrooms, in-house separation for a few weeks, W found a new place, put matrimonial home on the market and sold it within a few days, W moved out, I am still in the matrimonial home and moving in two weeks.
W definitely had an EA (she has not confessed) in the early stages of BD; went on one date that I know of with another guy (she told me); after that, no sign of any A; suspecting she might have gone on some casual dates, but no proof.
I DB'd for real for the first few weeks since I found this site, but floundered for quite a bit because W was sending mixed signals and I didn't know what they meant. Did a huge temp check with her last week because I couldn't live in ambiguity and she told me separation was permanent, she isn't interested in MC, and you can't love someone if you don't love yourself (referring to me not loving myself).
So, I have received confirmation as to where she is at and now I know that I can DB properly and not worry about her signals. As I understand, if there is serious effort on her part for a recon, the signals will be obvious. I am early in my sitch so no expectation of a recon any time soon, if ever.
Had 2 DB Coach sessions - both extremely helpful. Kids school schedule has finally settled and so opportunity to see W will be only on the weekend when kids have activities.
My goals for the rest of the calendar year:
1. Have positive friendly encounters with W.
2. Not shut her out completely - this is a tweaked NC/going dark approach that I will test out over time to see how comfortable I feel; this is not about using a strategy to get a reaction out of her or to see how she responds; this is about how I can follow my goal of detachment with love and do a 180 on past behaviour.
3. Start modelling acceptance of other perspectives and ways of doing things.
I have an IC that I see regularly to help me with all my goals:
1. Become more assertive 2. Manage conflict productively 3. Learn how to put my needs and priorities on the table and not bury them for the sake of other people 4. Become more understanding of others and learn how to accept different ways of doing things 5. Become self aware of my emotional state and learn how to process crisis emotionally and not just intellectually
GAL goals:
1. Workout 3 times a week (home gym is coming soon at the new place) 2. Go climbing 2 times a week 3. Get proper sleep 4. Quit smoking 5. Read and write consistently 6. Go to events - concerts, stand-up comedy shows, plays, movies, etc 7. Make new friends
I feel more at peace right now because I have a game plan for myself. The only reason I might change my approach for self-preservation and DBing is if I find out W has an OM.
I can't file for D (if I wanted to) until 12 months of separation have passed. This brings it to June/July 2018. This coincides with the time W finishes her uni program. I don't realistically expect anything by that timeline - I am not doing anything for W right now, just me. But I will reassess where I am and how I feel at that point and then see which decisions I need to make.
I want to thank everyone on this forum for their immense help and support. I couldn't have done with all of you.
I wish my W would open up some but she really has her guard up. The crazy thing is that I don't say a word about us or anything. She doesn't give an inch and I have never done anything to her. When I tried to engage in more conversation with her via text or email she would be the first one to cut off the conversation. I didn't like the way it made me feel so I just stopped.
At minimum it sounds like your W is still very friendly and open to this type of dialogue which is good in my opinion as long as you don't read into it
Yeah W is still open to communications and having these types of conversations. I am just trying to walk the tightrope of engaging in them / not pursuing / keep my emotional state in check.
I know she doesn't want me to shut her out, and expects me to do exactly that. So, I gotta figure out how to do a 180 on this behaviour that I have had forever. Now, I had initially thought that I would do that and it was to get a reaction from her or wanting a positive response. But, the more I thought about this behaviour of how I handled conflict, I realized that I need to change it for myself so that I can have better friendships and relationships with people. This behaviour was just me shutting my feelings down and burying them away and not dealing with them.
So, I have a real opportunity to try and change this with W being the first person I can practice this on. I know it has to be a deep internal change because I want it to be personal transformation, not some gimmick to get her back. I'm going to have to work at this and I am so glad I have an IC who can help me with this.
I understand why you stopped the engagement with your W. If you're not getting an inch after a few tries, it is disheartening and can make you feel like crap. So, why do it. I think you're doing great in your sitch and we have to all figure out our approaches based on what has happened.
Dude your so organized, I bet your closest is spectacular!!! Love the goals, what goal will the hardest? Quiting smoking or being more accepting of others?
Haha! My closet and bookshelves are organized by colour. I am such a Type A lolz.
Quitting smoking will be hard, but not the hardest. I quit before for a couplea years and so I know what the journey looks like - it's actually not that bad. I know how amazing I felt after quitting and how my health improved over months - I want to get back there. I am planning on quitting this weekend. Lets see how it goes.
More accepting of other viewpoints and perspectives is probably going to be the hardest. I know that I am just set in some of my ways and it will require a great degree of self-awareness of my emotions and thoughts to counteract this - and it will have to be done consistently for it to actually turn into a real transformation.
This is mostly because my W is flakey and it drives me up the wall lol. I need to learn how to chill out and not judge her for that and that this flakiness doesn't make her a bad, disorganized, irresponsible, and uncaring person.
Well thats cool, I wish I was more type A like you. I am laid back and easy going, it takes me a lot to get angry which is has probably helped me through this. I did a strength finder test at work and it is hard for me to be type A so it is something I have put a lot of effort in to make happen. I think striking a balance would make me happy.
We all have our vices. My parents smoked, I never picked it up but I do chew snuff. Probably worse . I also like to have a few beverages as well. In fact right now I am watching some baseball with a little vodka and soda water. I have quit before, something my W never complained about but I picked it up again once all this started.
Atleast you are self aware of your viewpoints. You will probably always have them but being more balanced and accepting is probably something you can achieve. When I am in those situations I always try to think of both sides before I respond. That is one of things I really admire about my W she is very compassionate and accepting of others.
I think you are off to a good start now that you have closure. I often wondered how hard it will be for our W's to notice our changes with limited exposure and conversation. I guess at the end of the day as long as we feel better about ourselves that is all that matters and truely is taking all of the focus off of them if we are doing it for ourselves
W dropped the BD and everything moved at lightning speed. Moved into separate bedrooms, in-house separation for a few weeks, W found a new place, put matrimonial home on the market and sold it within a few days, W moved out, I am still in the matrimonial home and moving in two weeks.
W definitely had an EA (she has not confessed) in the early stages of BD; went on one date that I know of with another guy (she told me); after that, no sign of any A; suspecting she might have gone on some casual dates, but no proof.
I DB'd for real for the first few weeks since I found this site, but floundered for quite a bit because W was sending mixed signals and I didn't know what they meant. Did a huge temp check with her last week because I couldn't live in ambiguity and she told me separation was permanent, she isn't interested in MC, and you can't love someone if you don't love yourself (referring to me not loving myself).
So, I have received confirmation as to where she is at and now I know that I can DB properly and not worry about her signals. As I understand, if there is serious effort on her part for a recon, the signals will be obvious. I am early in my sitch so no expectation of a recon any time soon, if ever.
Had 2 DB Coach sessions - both extremely helpful. Kids school schedule has finally settled and so opportunity to see W will be only on the weekend when kids have activities.
My goals for the rest of the calendar year:
1. Have positive friendly encounters with W.
2. Not shut her out completely - this is a tweaked NC/going dark approach that I will test out over time to see how comfortable I feel; this is not about using a strategy to get a reaction out of her or to see how she responds; this is about how I can follow my goal of detachment with love and do a 180 on past behaviour.
3. Start modelling acceptance of other perspectives and ways of doing things.
I have an IC that I see regularly to help me with all my goals:
1. Become more assertive 2. Manage conflict productively 3. Learn how to put my needs and priorities on the table and not bury them for the sake of other people 4. Become more understanding of others and learn how to accept different ways of doing things 5. Become self aware of my emotional state and learn how to process crisis emotionally and not just intellectually
GAL goals:
1. Workout 3 times a week (home gym is coming soon at the new place) 2. Go climbing 2 times a week 3. Get proper sleep 4. Quit smoking 5. Read and write consistently 6. Go to events - concerts, stand-up comedy shows, plays, movies, etc 7. Make new friends
I feel more at peace right now because I have a game plan for myself. The only reason I might change my approach for self-preservation and DBing is if I find out W has an OM.
I can't file for D (if I wanted to) until 12 months of separation have passed. This brings it to June/July 2018. This coincides with the time W finishes her uni program. I don't realistically expect anything by that timeline - I am not doing anything for W right now, just me. But I will reassess where I am and how I feel at that point and then see which decisions I need to make.
I want to thank everyone on this forum for their immense help and support. I couldn't have done with all of you.
Your Goals are awesome M. I swear we are frickin twins, with everything you mentioned. I need to go ask my mom some questions 8)
I am glad to see you are heading in a positive direction. You are an inspiration man.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Thanks man! I don't feel exactly back at square one, but I am in a better place for sure. I hope to get to the much coveted zen state of mind that J-dawg is at in the next few months.
It's great we have similar goals - we can help each other with how it's going. I hope your blog is going alright and the writing is helping your mind and heart.
Good to find a brother from another mother! Always!
Had my first opportunity today since I talked to the DB Coach about having a positive interactions with W.
W forgot something D needs tomorrow for school, so came by and dropped it off. I had mentioned to her that my workplace was having some insane drama in a text on Monday. So, I told her about it and she actually did some validation - now that I know how to do it I can recognize it easily lol.
It was a positive interaction and I was in great spirits. I didn't hug her when she came in. When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug - so I was like okay. Again, dem hugs don't mean no thang, so no mixed signals or mind reading or drawing any ridiculous conclusions from it.
I am totally cool. I wasn't on edge and I am feeling good about how my emotions are right now - total equilibrium.
I am so happy with the DB game plan. Staying strong!
It was a positive interaction and I was in great spirits. I didn't hug her when she came in. When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug - so I was like okay. Again, dem hugs don't mean no thang, so no mixed signals or mind reading or drawing any ridiculous conclusions from it.
Good, don't read into them. Maybe she feels guilty, who knows, but unless she wants to talk about the MR who cares. Just monitor your own feelings if you feel like the hugging is not helping you detach.
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I am totally cool. I wasn't on edge and I am feeling good about how my emotions are right now - total equilibrium.
Nice.....I found that it was hard to get comfortable at first. I think it is easier if you have no desire talk about the R as well. Like mentally you get to the point to where you have no interest either. Maybe that is truely DTR where you don't care either.
Yeah. With the not pursuing and not having any actions mean anything specific, it's just so much easier for them to roll off my back. The hugs are fine, if she wants them, but I am not initiating any thing. They don't bother me or I don't feel particularly compelled to do reciprocate them.
Normally after an interaction, it left me kinda messed in the head. But yesterday, I was like - yeh, see ya! And shut the door and went back to doing what I was doing before she came. No problem.
I think being this Type A kinda personality, having a plan for myself has alleviated so much tension for me. I can just be my natural self.
Yeh Benni - feels awesome. I'm doing my thing and she's around for whatever reason and it's not a big deal.
Saw her again today because there was a school event and I was positive and chill. At the end she gave me a hug again before we went our own ways. I was laughing inside because now they seem so meaningless and I basically don't see a point with any type of physical affection.
Got home did my thing and I basically didn't even think about her for the rest of the evening. I am on the detachment train and it's taking me outta the dark clouds.
Have the kids tonight so no outside GAL, but caught up on some reading and tv shows. Got things prepped for school tomorrow and gonna head to bed soon. Totally content and chill.
I know it's going to get better from here now on no doubt. Just over a week in this house and then I am out. I can guarantee y'all that I am going to feel a million times better once I am outta here. A huge emotional burden will be off my shoulders.
On a sorta positive note - kids seem to be doing better this week. They know the schedule and they have seen how it works in action. They're still pretty emotional but I am spending a lot of quality time with them. Having a lot of chances to practice being more chill with them and we're just laughing a lot and goofing around. I used to be on my cellphone when they would eat dinner previously and I decided that no tech at dinner time - allows me to focus completely on them and talk to them and engage meaningfully. They've really liked it.
That's awesome M.....I found I felt a lot better when I saw my children looking happy. Mine adjusted pretty well and I would like to think it's because my w and I have handled this well. I love the no cell at dinner time, I was guilty of this as well and was one of my goals to be more engaged, good for you!! I purposely leave it in the car now when we go places so I am not tempted. Sounds like your doing well....keep doing your thing!
Thanks J. I am definitely feeling better about myself and the game plan.
Had a bit of a rough morning with the kiddos. I got a bit annoyed at my son for something trivial - not upset at the trivial thing but him not paying attention and doing things right. Also, D was unhappy about going to school and was crying when I dropped her.
I need to do better. So, I feel like crap about that, but I have IC next week and this is top of my agenda to start working on.
Well.....that is going to happen. My d's seem to have problems with either getting dressed, brushing teeth or even getting out of bed at times on school days. Don't beat yourself up, just realize that for someone that likes control/organization that may not happen in the morning . My only goal right now in the mornings is to make sure my kids get to school on time, if they are wearing mis-matched socks then so be it .
Just trying to check in on some people after having been on my butt for a week with strep throat/ flu. Sounds like you're doing well Maika, keep it up!
Yeah J - us Type A's beat ourselves up way way more than what others can do to us; so much self-inflicted damage lol. I need to add that to the list - stop beating myself up too much.
Thanks AS for dropping a line! Hope you feel better soon. Tis the flu season and I was under the blankets nursing one just a couple of weeks ago. I am doing great and it is thanks to awesome folks like you on here that have helped me immensely. Blood pressure has dropped
YeaYeah J - us Type A's beat ourselves up way way more than what others can do to us; so much self-inflicted damage lol. I need to add that to the list - stop beating myself up too much. h J - us Type A's beat ourselves up way way more than what others can do to us; so much self-inflicted damage lol. I need to add that to the list - stop beating myself up too much.
Your a single parent now trying to get 2 young kids out the door every morning....that is no easy task So yes, be kind to yourself. Half the time my D's are eating those hostess mini muffins and they are walking out the door!
true dat about the mornings with lil kids. I try to keep it as chill as possible and I hate rushing and kids hate the rushing. I find that if I wake up early enough and have things ready, I can relax and kids can take their time with everything.
A few good days. Saw W at kids swimming and it was fine. Going out tonight and GALing.
Ypu go M....I wake up about 1 hr before I need to get them up. Ny that time I have ate my breakfast, caught some sportscenter, and have myself pretty much ready.
I started out sitting nexxt to my W at my D's soccer practice and games. Now I just do my own thing, nothing against her but I feel better doing my own thing. I dont neccessarily do it on purpose but it makes me feel more in control.
You go get your GAL on.....rock it M, own it, it;s your world everyone else is just renting space!!!!
Swimming is awesome.....i was a life guard as a kid.....great exercise. It's cool yor kids are invovled!
I've had a couple of good days but today I've just felt kinda down. I've missed W all day in spurts and the family dynamic. Haven't seen the kids for a few days either so it's been a bit hard.
Something feels very different about W - I saw her last a few days ago and when I look at her, I just think I am seeing a person I don't know. It's a bit weird, but I guess it helps for the detachment process.
I know that there will be up and down days in the first few months of this process, and that GAL is really important to stay balanced. Work has been absurdly insane and I am swamped until end of October so GAL will take a bit of a hit. Once November hits, it will come back to more normal stuff at work.
Just feel kinda bummed out today.
Went to see IC today and shared with her my list of goals and asked her to figure out how to work them. So, she helped me prioritize them and we started tackling one today. The measurable goals - like health ones, I just have to phase in over time so that they become true life changes and habits. The other ones, which are more personality, psychological and emotional goals, they will need deep work over time.
So, we started unpacking my Type A personality and how it impacts my kids and also did negatively impact the MR. It was a great convo with the IC and she's given me some good perspective. Trying to get to some of the deep rooted causes and how to address them over time.
So, all in all, it's been an alright week, but just wished I felt happier. I know it will come with time.
Something feels very different about W - I saw her last a few days ago and when I look at her, I just think I am seeing a person I don't know. It's a bit weird, but I guess it helps for the detachment process.
I know what you mean....it's hard for me to imagine her having any feelings for me or us ever getting back together. It has been so long that the concept seems foreign.
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Just feel kinda bummed out today.
That $ucks....I feel the same way.
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The measurable goals - like health ones, I just have to phase in over time so that they become true life changes and habits. The other ones, which are more personality, psychological and emotional goals, they will need deep work over time.
Whats the first one your going to tackle?
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So, all in all, it's been an alright week, but just wished I felt happier. I know it will come with time.
At times I feel like I am in the twlight zone and my life consists of kid exchanges and preparing for them to come or go. I guess since this is my new routine I better get used to it it's just hard to imagine this is what my life is going to be like. I am maintaining but definately not happy/estatic.
it's hard for me to imagine her having any feelings for me or us ever getting back together. It has been so long that the concept seems foreign.
Yeah I feel the same way. It feels like she's done, which in some ways is good for the DB process. Let's you pick up all the pieces and move forward. Still kinda feels $ucky at times.
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Whats the first one your going to tackle?
For physical health, I need to get my blood sugar under control like yesterday. I just have a really bad genetic history and so I need to get my diabetes under control. All the docs are shocked that I have diabetes considering my age and physical shape, but once they hear about my family history with heart disease and diabetes, they realize that I wasn't going to escape it, it was just a matter of when I was going to get it. So, I need to take my meds regularly and eat better - that's the first thing I am doing. Then in a few weeks once I have my home gym set up, I will phase in working out.
And then the rest of the goals will have to be phased in slowly. I am also working on the NGS stuff that I need to get rid off with IC, which will take some time. I have already made changes in becoming more assertive and managing conflict directly, which has been good.
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At times I feel like I am in the twlight zone and my life consists of kid exchanges and preparing for them to come or go. I guess since this is my new routine I better get used to it it's just hard to imagine this is what my life is going to be like. I am maintaining but definately not happy/estatic
I totally agree. But I will trust LH's words and that it gets better. I do feel less crappy today, so that's a start. I am also putting more focus on my meds and food right now which is taking up good mental space.
Don't know what time will bring, but I feel like I am in the grind phase of DBing and I just need to have faith and ride it out.
I've had a couple of good days but today I've just felt kinda down. I've missed W all day in spurts and the family dynamic. Haven't seen the kids for a few days either so it's been a bit hard.
Very sorry you're having a down day! But it does happen to all of us, even in a healthy marriage. Sometimes even now 5 years later I'll have those times when I start thinking about the good times in my M and I will feel down and miss those times. Here's the thing, that stuff that I miss is more of a nostalgia thing than what I am missing NOW if that makes since. For example I often think about how I used to put my girls to bed at night and one would be laying on each of my arms and we would say prayers, give each other butterfly kisses and then they would go to sleep and I would try to ease myself out of bed without waking them up and go lay next to W. I miss that, but my girls are now both adults now and those days are long gone, so I'm not missing something that could be restored. THAT is what all of us that have gone through BD need to learn to accept- our old M is gone forever. Whatever you may miss about it, if you recon it's probably going to be a different M with a different W anyway. For me it helped to think in those terms, because it helped me move forward.
Also, it is perfectly OK to miss those old times! Don't beat yourself up over it!
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Something feels very different about W - I saw her last a few days ago and when I look at her, I just think I am seeing a person I don't know. It's a bit weird, but I guess it helps for the detachment process.
Yes that is exactly it. The old W is gone, this new person is different. For some LBS's their new S is RADICALLY different.
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Went to see IC today and shared with her my list of goals and asked her to figure out how to work them.
Fantastic! You're doing all the right things, just be patient!
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So, all in all, it's been an alright week, but just wished I felt happier. I know it will come with time.
As time moves on your happy times will increase and the sad times will decrease. Sadness never goes completely away in this or in life though. The goal isn't to never be sad, it's just to master surfing the waves of your emotions and enjoy the ride no matter whether you're on top of a wave or in a trough.
I was just missing having her around and the companionship aspect of it. Also, small things that create intimacy - like having her close to me and being able to find comfort in having her in bed and all of that. I know that if recon ever happens, this might be different still. The old M is definitely gone and I feel like if recon would ever happen, I will have to get to know her all over again. With all the changes that have happened in her life, she's definitely not the same person as before.
I also realized that I need to have more social and friend connections and spend time with people. I saw some friends briefly in the past few days but I have been swamped with work and doing a lot from home, which can get lonely. I am in a big house by myself and I barely use a third of it. But, I am moving next week so it will be different and positive for me.
I know that sadness will never completely go away and that the hurt of BD will take a long time to recover from, but I just want to increase the happy times and become more zen with myself. I am looking forward to that. With the IC, I know that I have support in reaching my long term goals.
I am glad that IC went well for you. Sounds like things are definitely still moving in the right direction for you.
I have been thinking about recon as well and what it would look like. In my mind, you are definitely getting to know that person all over again, but this time, imo, it is harder because of all the history between you.
I still pray it works out for you.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Thoughts about recon surface once in a while, but at this point it's just fleeting. AS wrote in another thread about how the M is dead at this point and she's done with you. So, there is no reason to focus on it anymore. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.
Recon just seems like a real faraway thing that may or may not happen - so I am just focusing on my stuff. Work is hella busy right now so it's keeping me mentally occupied, which is good.
So, I move to my new place in a few days. The last couple of days I've felt sad about leaving the matrimonial home and everything it represents. It's just been a bit of a sinking feeling.
However, went to see the new place again with the landlord as I had some more paperwork to finish and wanted to do a walkthrough. It's a nice place, and definitely better than W's place - gives me some consolation lol. I got quite excited because I started picturing how I was going to fill it up with my stuff and have it represent just me. The basement where I am going to do the home gym got me so pumped. I was mentally deciding where the squat rack and the bench and the weights were gonna go and it was really satisfying to know that this was going to be just MY zone.
Kids came with me and they were pretty excited about their new rooms and it was nice to get them starting to adjust to this new place. I don't have much to pack and the movers are coming in a couplea days to take all the heavy stuff. It should be a fairly easy move.
So, this whole MR chapter is finally closing for me in a few days and then I will be truly on my own. All the financial stuff is almost separated and will finish that off next week.
I am sure I am going to have an emotional week with packing and leaving this house, but I am reminding myself of all the great things that I am working on and have planned and the new place is going to be the incubator that gives birth to the new improved me.
Hanging tough and looking to climbing the mountain to get to zen soon. I think I am still at base camp and now the climb starts again next week.
Been doing some angry packing this evening. Moving day coming up soon. Packing everything has felt like I am ripping apart the guts of my life. I am so angry - how is this a better option than trying to make things work.
To take my mind off I started looking at some wicked clothes that I am planning on buying in the next few months - need to lose a few pounds and get in a better shape to carry them well. That made me feel pretty good lol.
I've noticed that on my angry days, I really couldn't care less about her. I just want to give her a giant middle finger and tell her off and just walk away into the sunset. Dreams dreams I know. Nothing good to come out of it, but just want some satisfying feeling to get her all riled up.
I know that I am going to be okay, because I have always been a survivor. From all the crazy crises I have lived through, watching W throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble (even though it was brewing in her mind for a long time - but nothing ever communicated to me) seems just pathetically weak to me. Just decided to escape rather than deal with reality and pull up your sleeves.
She texted me tonight about some house stuff and then wanted to chit chat. Even though I was super angry, I kept my cool and just texted her back with positively, but without giving two F*ck$.
I'm off to bed and some more packing tomorrow. and then movers come in and we call an end to this current $hit$how and start a new chapter.
Packing up things can be an emotional experience, especially when those boxes represent the end of something. I've had the painful task of sorting & packing through personal belongings to family members after their deaths. Once the large articles were gone, something that really stood out to me were the few boxes of sentimental pieces of their life. I remember having the thought, "Is this it?" "A lifetime can be stored away in a few boxes?"
All I know to recommend is to get through as quickly as possible.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the virtual hugs Sandi. Last night was not good for my mental and emotional sanity. There is just so much history and it just got swept aside like it was nothing. Really hard not to feel disposable and discarded.
However, I am in better spirits this morning. I have a lot of work to do and then finish packing and movers come in tomorrow. I am looking forward to my new place though, but there's this sense of finality with leaving the matrimonial home. I am sure it will linger for a bit and I will have to process it.
Sorry M...hopefully you will find some peace in your new place once you get settled. Make sure you get the home gym set up stat so you can work out your frustrations.
Thanks for the words and bro hug J dawg. Truly appreciate it. Yeah, i think this moving is like being in an in-between zone, not exactly in the old, but not fully in the new. Moving is done tomorrow and then I will feel that I can work on closing that chapter of my life.
That home gym is priority # 1 for sure. I am planning on going next week to the fitness stores to price shop and find the best deals. I already have a list of stuff that I want to pick up.
GAL will also come back up in the next few weeks once the new place gets more settled and I can start transitioning to this new life with both feet firmly planted. Still going climbing on the regular, which has been amazing for my head. The other night, instead of having thoughts about what the hell did W do with all of this earth shattering mess, I was just thinking about how I am going to tackle some specific climbing and bouldering routes. It was awesome to have something positive occupy your mind.
I am blasting some great upbeat music to keep my spirits up and one thing about packing with no one around is I can crank up the volume, walk around with a beer, and put some $hit in boxes, and nobody to bother me.
I was venting to a friend last night too and she sent me an amazing quote:
"Left a life of certain chaos for the chaos of an uncertain life". It's from the novel Kite Runner.
I think it describes really well this post BD stage, but I want to add to that story with a positive note. I may be entering the chaos of an uncertain life right now, but I will transform it into a peaceful and electrifying life.
Thanks for the words and bro hug J dawg. Truly appreciate it. Yeah, i think this moving is like being in an in-between zone, not exactly in the old, but not fully in the new. Moving is done tomorrow and then I will feel that I can work on closing that chapter of my life.
That home gym is priority # 1 for sure. I am planning on going next week to the fitness stores to price shop and find the best deals. I already have a list of stuff that I want to pick up.
GAL will also come back up in the next few weeks once the new place gets more settled and I can start transitioning to this new life with both feet firmly planted. Still going climbing on the regular, which has been amazing for my head. The other night, instead of having thoughts about what the hell did W do with all of this earth shattering mess, I was just thinking about how I am going to tackle some specific climbing and bouldering routes. It was awesome to have something positive occupy your mind.
I am blasting some great upbeat music to keep my spirits up and one thing about packing with no one around is I can crank up the volume, walk around with a beer, and put some $hit in boxes, and nobody to bother me.
I was venting to a friend last night too and she sent me an amazing quote:
"Left a life of certain chaos for the chaos of an uncertain life". It's from the novel Kite Runner.
I think it describes really well this post BD stage, but I want to add to that story with a positive note. I may be entering the chaos of an uncertain life right now, but I will transform it into a peaceful and electrifying life.
That is an amazing quote M. I totally get the angry packing phase.
I definitely went through that, along with an angry home repair phase. once you get stuff moved, I think you will enjoy unpacking and making your place 'yours'
I struggled for a bit to find my own style. I questioned whether it was really 'me' or was I styling based off the MR.
It gets easier.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Thanks for the words and bro hug J dawg. Truly appreciate it. Yeah, i think this moving is like being in an in-between zone, not exactly in the old, but not fully in the new. Moving is done tomorrow and then I will feel that I can work on closing that chapter of my life.
I understand, these last 4 months for me have been like an out of body experience. Have your kids seen the new place? What do they think?
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That home gym is priority # 1 for sure. I am planning on going next week to the fitness stores to price shop and find the best deals. I already have a list of stuff that I want to pick up.
Sweet.....load up on the 45's! Your gonna crush them!
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GAL will also come back up in the next few weeks once the new place gets more settled and I can start transitioning to this new life with both feet firmly planted. Still going climbing on the regular, which has been amazing for my head. The other night, instead of having thoughts about what the hell did W do with all of this earth shattering mess, I was just thinking about how I am going to tackle some specific climbing and bouldering routes. It was awesome to have something positive occupy your mind.
Do you auto-belay or do you go with someone that belay's you? Or are you really good and do the bouldering stuff and hang upside down?
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I am blasting some great upbeat music to keep my spirits up and one thing about packing with no one around is I can crank up the volume, walk around with a beer, and put some $hit in boxes, and nobody to bother me.
Not sure what time zone you are in but isn't it a little early for a beer?
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"Left a life of certain chaos for the chaos of an uncertain life". It's from the novel Kite Runner.
That is sweet.....it's like your just transferring your energy mentally.
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I think it describes really well this post BD stage, but I want to add to that story with a positive note. I may be entering the chaos of an uncertain life right now, but I will transform it into a peaceful and electrifying life.
I agree, I am starting to get excited about dating again and the possibilities of meeting someone new. I am entering month number 4 and I am struggling with holding myself back. I am starting to feel as though I am ready to move on.
I understand, these last 4 months for me have been like an out of body experience. Have your kids seen the new place? What do they think?
Out of body experience for sure. I took the kids over the weekend to check out the place and it was nice for them to have a first look and get them excited about how we're going to set up their rooms. This will ease their transition.
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Sweet.....load up on the 45's! Your gonna crush them!
Yup yup!! Looking for a good squat rack that comes with a handle to do pull-ups as well. Let's see what they got available. I saw this awesome folding rack on Shark Tank called PRx, but it's ridiculously expensive.
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Do you auto-belay or do you go with someone that belay's you? Or are you really good and do the bouldering stuff and hang upside down?
There are some routes that I auto-belay. I do have a buddy but his schedule is pretty busy so I go when I want and we make plans when he's free. Luckily there are some really hard auto-belays and I am working on one of them right now. Still a newbie at bouldering, but I've progressed pretty good in the last month. Still destroys my arms every time and I can only do 2-3 times. I've realized even though I have good muscle definition and broad shoulders, my strength and endurance is not up to par - so working on that. Aiming to do upside down bouldering by early 2018
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Not sure what time zone you are in but isn't it a little early for a beer?
Hahaha! Well, one never hurts right? Drinking a craft beer so it's more for enjoying the flavor than getting buzzed
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I agree, I am starting to get excited about dating again and the possibilities of meeting someone new. I am entering month number 4 and I am struggling with holding myself back. I am starting to feel as though I am ready to move on.
Yeah. I can see that happening for me by early 2018. I was looking at some stuff for my wardrobe and I know that with me being ripped, I could knock it out of the park looking dope. So, I'll see where I am at in January and then take it from there. At this point it might not be a bad idea to dip your feet and see how you feel. If it doesn't feel right, you can always scale back.
A life of certain chaos for the chaos of an uncertain life
A life of what could have been for a life of what could be
A life of slumbering nightmares for a life of awakening dreams.
A life of reflecting on the past for a life of gazing to the future.
This is what DBing has done for me personally. It hasn't helped my MR, but it helped me. I'm proud to read how well you are doing.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Out of body experience for sure. I took the kids over the weekend to check out the place and it was nice for them to have a first look and get them excited about how we're going to set up their rooms. This will ease their transition.
That is cool! I am sure they will adjust and learn to love it! I remember after I got punched in the face after BD and before I found this board I went shopping with my W and kids to IKEA to help them pick out furniture for their bedrooms. My W really played it up with the kids to get them excited. Told them about a movie theater that was close by, how the apartment had a nice swimming pool, there was an ice cream shoppe around the corner, etc. Obviously this is not the same situation but maybe if there is some exciting stuff close by that would be fun for your kiddos that might help them look forward to it.
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Yup yup!! Looking for a good squat rack that comes with a handle to do pull-ups as well. Let's see what they got available. I saw this awesome folding rack on Shark Tank called PRx, but it's ridiculously expensive.
Squat rack, a bench, some dumbells (so you can do curls for girls :)), straight bar and some plates you should be set!
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There are some routes that I auto-belay. I do have a buddy but his schedule is pretty busy so I go when I want and we make plans when he's free. Luckily there are some really hard auto-belays and I am working on one of them right now. Still a newbie at bouldering, but I've progressed pretty good in the last month. Still destroys my arms every time and I can only do 2-3 times. I've realized even though I have good muscle definition and broad shoulders, my strength and endurance is not up to par - so working on that. Aiming to do upside down bouldering by early 2018 smile
There is no way my 6'2 235 lb frame is hanging upside down I still to auto and manual belay. The first time I did auto it kind of scared me because you free fall for a split second. Very hard to trust!
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Hahaha! Well, one never hurts right? Drinking a craft beer so it's more for enjoying the flavor than getting buzzed wink
You should be buzzed by now!
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Yeah. I can see that happening for me by early 2018. I was looking at some stuff for my wardrobe and I know that with me being ripped, I could knock it out of the park looking dope. So, I'll see where I am at in January and then take it from there. At this point it might not be a bad idea to dip your feet and see how you feel. If it doesn't feel right, you can always scale back.
I won't do it until I am D'd or the papers are filed and it is just fulfilling the waiting period. In Texas it is 2 months so until then I guess I will just window shop.
I am starting to lose my patience though.......my wings are starting to flap! For some reason I believe the only way my W will realize that she lost me is if I file myself.
Maybe your new spot can be featured on the next episode of Cribs???
I know it is hard and is full of mixed emotions. Just try to stay positive and focus on the future, try not to look back at what was or what could have been. Try to stay in the present!
Again IMO your are on the right track and have your $hit together. You have your entire life ahead. Enjoy what is about to happen to you in the near future!
Haha! If I get on cribs ladies be lining out the door. LOLZ!
I'm feeling pretty positive today. Thanks for the pick me up. I'm staying in the present and looking forward to setting up my joint.
Angry packing helped get out last of the emotions I had with the matrimonial home. But now I feel like a single dude ready to become even more awesome and get some attention for it.
Moving Day went good. Movers were super efficient and got it done in under 5 hours.
I expected to feel really cut up and raw about it all, but I felt fine. I think all the emotions associated with the home came out during the packing phase.
The new place is a total mess lol with everything everywhere, but I have time now to put things together. I tackled the kids room last night and got it ready enough for them to sleep tonight.
Went to the old home for a last look to see if I had missed anything late in the evening. Cracked open a beer in the back porch and a had a few smokes and just reflected. It seemed surreal. Had our whole life planned with the kids growing up in this wonderful home and creating the family life and experiences to last a lifetime - all destroyed in a few months. It's just unbelievable that this option was the better one for W rather than taking time to work with me.
I feel getting angry just writing this, but I am going to have to focus on processing it away.
So much of this is her fault too and as AS said in the other thread, my fog has been coming off and I am seeing things that were not good in the MR.
I really don't know if I can go through a recon with her if she ever wanted it. I know so clearly now what I need in a partnership and the things that I can improve on and the things that I can't change about myself. So, when I put that balance out, I don't see myself with W unless she does some massive amount of work. Even then, I may just be spent.
I am really tired this morning and I think the emotional burden of the home will finally drop once I sign the papers with the lawyers today and the home is officially possessed by the new owners tomorrow.
Fatigued, but positive about myself and life for me.
Moving Day went good. Movers were super efficient and got it done in under 5 hours.
But is your closet organized and sorted by color?
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Went to the old home for a last look to see if I had missed anything late in the evening. Cracked open a beer in the back porch and a had a few smokes and just reflected. It seemed surreal. Had our whole life planned with the kids growing up in this wonderful home and creating the family life and experiences to last a lifetime - all destroyed in a few months. It's just unbelievable that this option was the better one for W rather than taking time to work with me.
I feel ya brah.......what a kick in the nutz. Process the anger and let it go. Your the better option, hold your head up!
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So much of this is her fault too and as AS said in the other thread, my fog has been coming off and I am seeing things that were not good in the MR.
I will gladly accept 25% of the responsibility. I know it takes 2 but IMO 50/50 responsibility is BS
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I really don't know if I can go through a recon with her if she ever wanted it. I know so clearly now what I need in a partnership and the things that I can improve on and the things that I can't change about myself. So, when I put that balance out, I don't see myself with W unless she does some massive amount of work. Even then, I may just be spent.
I think it depends on how you treat each other from this point forward. I think sometimes there is so much anger, hurt and resentment towards each other that it makes it impossible to ever connect again. IMO your W has been pretty respectful to you, maybe sent some mixed signals, but she is not flaunting or taunting you, being off the hook dis-respectful, etc. With that said I think you could RC if/when she comes back and if it is what you want.
Hahaha! The closet is definitely not organized and color coded. The Type A in me is going a bit bananas, but I let myself just relax last night. There is no way I am going to unpack in one evening. I am giving myself some slack
Yeh, the anger is one of my main issues. I've been ignoring it and pretending that I am actually not that angry, but I am. It's hindering me detaching and making sure my interactions with W are not cold. But, now that a new chapter has officially started, I can focus on processing it.
I agree with you about the 50/50 responsibility BS. Just like you, I provided well for the family, I took care of business in the house, I was there for the kids and her, and I never yelled or was abusive to W. So, I am not only owning to some parts of what went wrong in the MR, and she has to own her $hit too.
You're right about RC - she hasn't been disrespectful or flaunted anything in my face. I think that I can't see anything about RC clearly because I am still angry and I just need to give it time and focus on my needs first. But, that said, I do know what I would need in a MR and I won't take anything less if she wants to RC - either she works with me or I walk. I am getting more comfortable with that idea. Not seeing her for long stretches has helped a lot with this too.
I'm hitting up some fitness stores later next week Fixing up the new place first and then getting all the workout gear and getting on that train to getting-jacked-town.
I do know what I would need in a MR and I won't take anything less if she wants to RC - either she works with me or I walk. I am getting more comfortable with that idea
Just remember this sentence when she comes back...especially when you are on the train to jack town!
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I am getting more comfortable with that idea. Not seeing her for long stretches has helped a lot with this too.
Time, space and distance really helps. IMO it is hard work to stay angry and it takes a lot of energy as well. I am not angry at my W for how she felt, I was more angry about how she handled it.
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I'm hitting up some fitness stores later next week smile Fixing up the new place first and then getting all the workout gear and getting on that train to getting-jacked-town.
Choo Choo.....the M train is coming through! Don't forget the x-mas lights, and a system for garage. As I close my eyes I am picturing Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.
Just remember this sentence when she comes back...especially when you are on the train to jack town!
Yeah. I don't think I can turn back from this now.
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I am not angry at my W for how she felt, I was more angry about how she handled it.
THAT'S IT!!! You precisely nailed the root cause of the anger. There were options of how this could've been handled, and this was the worst option IMHO. And if I can add to that, I believe the anger is not just about how she handled it, but she decided for everyone in the family - me and both kids. We had no say in the decision.
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Choo Choo.....the M train is coming through! Don't forget the x-mas lights, and a system for garage. As I close my eyes I am picturing Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.
Yeahh.. I got some great ideas of what I will do with the master bedroom. It will also serve as some office space as the room is massively huge. But, I read that you should try and not make your bedroom as part office. To get around that, I am going to get some cool japanese style room dividers to separate the bedroom and office space the lights is a fab idea. Now where did I put the shopping list
Signed all the papers with the lawyers yesterday and today is the official closing date for the house. Made a little bit of money on the sale and so have to pick up the cheque at some point today - but I never gave a damn about the money anyways.
Interaction with W was fine at the lawyers. Interestingly, she didn't fill out the section on marital status on the paperwork and when the lawyer asked she said we were married - which we technically still are. Don't know why she did that, but who cares. Not reading into anything, but it was interesting nonetheless.
Then in the parking lot she apologized for all of this and got very emotional. She gave me a quick hug and then I bounced. Played cool and I know I had an opportunity to validate and say something, but I just didn't have it in me to do so. It was emotional for me to sign away the house but I didn't let it out for her to see.
So, it's all done and done now. Had the kids over last night which was great. Worked on organizing the house and got pretty far last night so I am happy. Will finish over the weekend and then fitness equipment and some furniture shopping.
hahahahaha. yes yes the lights. I definitely won't forget. Picked up an expensive bottle of single malt scotch. Opening it tonight and gonna have a big steak. Life - Here I Come!!!!
Then in the parking lot she apologized for all of this and got very emotional. She gave me a quick hug and then I bounced. Played cool and I know I had an opportunity to validate and say something, but I just didn't have it in me to do so. It was emotional for me to sign away the house but I didn't let it out for her to see.
You don't have to validate EVERYTHING! I think you did just fine, playing cool and exiting stage right may actually have been better than validating her feelings over something she did that she knows you were against.
Originally Posted By: Maika
Picked up an expensive bottle of single malt scotch. Opening it tonight and gonna have a big steak. Life - Here I Come!!!!
Thanks AS! Sometimes I feel like LBS's have to become validation machines lol. I agree with you that what I did was fine. Didn't stick around once business was concluded. As usual, I was pleasant and chill.
I think I am about to enter your territory J dawg. Now with everything basically concluded, outside of some house things I need to get from her, I don't expect to see W often. Kids schedule is such that we could pretty much go for months without seeing each other unless it's at school events. She hasn't offered up that weekly dinner suggestion again and I haven't brought it up.
I'm organizing my place - haven't color coded the closet yet, but almost unpacked all the boxes and $hit is coming together. I have a long few weeks of work ahead, but after end of October, it will ease up and enough time for me to settle in the new joint.
Going to make my steak!! Been enjoying some scotch while unpacking and listening to music. Mood has been up and down today but I feel a lot better right now. Here's to Maika 2.0.
You go M! Not seeing her will be the best thing that ever happened in your sitch.....it is kind of bittersweet but that is how you can flip the script, really get your mojo back and trust me you will start to see her in a different light. When I see her now the only thing that really comes to mind is sex.
You go M! Not seeing her will be the best thing that ever happened in your sitch.....it is kind of bittersweet but that is how you can flip the script, really get your mojo back and trust me you will start to see her in a different light.
Yeah. I can already say that not having an in-house separation for the last few months was good for me. Now this situation takes it to another level, which I've been waiting for a while.
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When I see her now the only thing that really comes to mind is sex.
Meaning when you see her you wanna get jiggy wit it, or nah Imma hit the town cuz you ain't doin it for me like you used to?
So the unpacking is going well. I have to go out to get a few furniture items for the house today.
But, since I moved to the new place, I have been sleeping terribly. Just crazy dreams of W having an A and a buncha nonsense. She's just on my mind a lot and I am not happy that she's taking up so much of my mental real estate.
I know that I have to GAL some more and kickstart the detachment process. After running some shopping errands, I am going to go climbing this afternoon to get my mind off her.
I did get some great ideas for xmas lights in the bedroom and some paper lanterns Will be doing that in the next few weeks and spruce up the master bedroom.
Climbing went great. I focused on technique a lot today and I made some great progress on some routes that have been giving me a hard time.
Since moving to the new place, I have been more on edge and jittery and I don't know why. W is also taking up a lot of mental space right now. This wasn't the case last week. I feel like I am back in the same place a few weeks after BD and it's annoying the hell out of me. I thought I'd made some progress and now it just seems like a lot of it got washed away with the move somehow.
I am hoping I can get some better sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a better day mentally speaking.
Don't worry about your w being in your head. This is completely normal. Once you think your getting passed things and detaching, that feeling you mentioned comes back to you. Just keep GAL and proceeding like you have been. Those feelings will pass with time for the most part.
Thanks Tread. I'm counting on getting back up on the horse. I did sleep well last night. Don't know why I had a couple of garbage days. I feel better this morning. I have a lot to do today so should be a busy day.
Thanks J dawg. The move definitely impacted me more that I anticipated. I'm feeling a lot better this morning. I gotta put together some furniture and set up the kids rooms. And then tackling my room. I'm also working from home today and so I gotta get to that. Getting good sleep last night really helped. I'm probably gonna go see a movie tonight as well to get out of the house.
W texted me this morning about some kids stuff and I kept it pleasant. Interactions over text much easier to deal with than in person right now. I'm glad I don't see her often right now so I can get things straight for myself.
Cool, hang in there. Everything you should be doing right now needs to be for yourself. I remember really stressing out when I knew I would have to see her. I still would rather not see her but it is not as awkward as it was before. I just keep it light, usually about the kids, maybe a mutual friend or something like. She never asks me anything about myself, what I am doing, etc. and I am the same with her. No who, what, when, where, why or how questions.
It will get better over time and it sounds like she is doing a good job of respecting your space and need for distance. Your doing the right things keep it up!
Thanks man! Just needed a bit of pick me up to get my focus straight. I'm really itching to go back climbing but they're closed today. Such a bummer!
W is definitely respecting boundaries which is good. I'm thinking my sitch is going to take a similar turn as yours with not much contact from her and W not making any moves. It's going to help me focus on myself and work on detachment.
Yeah, it happens. Early on I would feel horrible when I woke up then much better as the day went on. I also found it harder when I had my kids because I wondered what she was doing. Now I find it easier when I have them because it helps keep me busy. Go figure!
Outside of kids or finances my W and literally have no contact about anything else. Maybe something random once in a while but that is only about 1% of the time. It was hard at first to get used to but it has really helped with my detaching and moving forward emotionally. This morning is a perfect example.
My D's had soccer camp today and my oldest lost her ball. My W dropped them off this morning and I showed up about 15 minutes after camp started with a new ball for my D. My W had already left and didn't stick around, I guess she didn't want to watch them or talk to me/see me . Before it probably would have made me mad or it would have depressed me. Now, I didn't really care. When I got to camp and gave my D her new ball I shot a text to my W telling her it was handled, D is happy. She never responded back. That would have bothered me before, now I was like whatever and went back to work.
I knew I was progressing when the little things like that no longer bothered me and I didn't dedicate much mental energy towards them.
On Saturday my W said she was out of money and wouldn't be paid until 10/20. That was 11 days, so I gave her a $80 bucks. I didn't grill her, yell at her, ask what the h$ll. Coming to me for money, kinda funny. Me only giving her $80 bucks to assist her until that time not a huge deal, I helped but obviously her struggles are far more real.
25 - Thanks again for your response on Benni's thread. Continuing the conversation here.
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Really good insight, b/c you took a very minor choice your w made, a choice with no moral or financial implications, you morphed her difference of opinion into a character flaw on her part.
And kept it all inside. May I ask how long this took for you to realize? Yeah, it's something my kids and I had to live with for a long time. I do not miss that part of h
I think that I knew deep down that I was being ridiculous and unfair to W, but I never really critically thought about it. I truly realized it after BD. I started IC right away and one of the things that I hadn't thought of how my behaviour was about me wanting to control everything in my environment because of so much emotional, mental, and physical instability that I have faced in my life. This need for control seemed to be hard wired in me as a way to feel grounded and protect myself. I translated that into me being so organized and logical etc etc. And when I started viewing others, especially W, as having a character flaw rather than just seeing her behaviour for what it was - different choices and methods. Nothing wrong with that.
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how did you radiate it towards her?
Staying with the dishwasher example - I would rearrange it if it wasn't upto my liking. When she would cook, I would hang out in the kitchen with her and she felt like she was being scrutinized - she wouldn't exactly say that, but would say like what are you looking at, or you have a funny expression on your face. I wasn't purposefully trying to 'supervise' what she was doing, but it definitely came across that way and I was looking at how she was doing things and it would get me annoyed. When she cooked, she'd make a huge mess, and I don't cook that way. I am also a better cook than her - this isn't my perception, it's the truth - and so I thought that my methods were inherently superior as I was the better cook.
This is all exacerbated by the fact that her mom all her life has pretty much been on her case to be more organized. Her mom is even worse than me in this regard, so I am guessing she felt that a version of her mom was always around as I was exhibiting similar behaviours, just not as extreme as MIL.
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But good on you for working on it. Serioulsy.
I'm just saying how it may have felt to your w/kids. The more you show the new you, the better for them and for you
I am trying to work on it and I know it's not going to change over night. The main issue is me needing to control everything in my environment and I have to work with IC to understand how to deal with that better. But, I am having a hard time figuring out a strategy of how to respond to stuff like this. My S7 does this kinda stuff, and it gets me worked up. And I hate that about myself right now. I feel like I am some drill sergeant and I need to relax.
So, if you have any suggestions about how I can work on this, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I have the same problem. I'm in the Army and I would bring that mentality home. My wife hated it. She always told me and say, i'm not one of your soldiers. And she is/was right.
Now I don't get worked up over small things. I can tell she has noticed. If the kids spill or pour to much milk and don't drink it. I just remind myself they are kids. If my wife does something I don't like, I tell myself is it worth bringing up. Will it really affect me if I do. If the answer is no, I leave it alone.
I also, start just taking deep breaths in those moments. I use to get mad if we were late to functions. I love being on time. Now I say, we make it when we make it. Will I die if I don't make it on time. No I won't so. I just roll with it.
Once I start letting those small things stop bothering me, I start to feel a lot better. The anxiety start to go away about all kind of things. I use to get on my wife about the way she drove and parked the car. Now I'm like, we get there how we get there, she parks how she parks. It doesn't matter because we are all different people and do things different. As long as we make it to our destinations or get the desire outcome, it don't fret my nerves over it. I practice my patient while driving if people cut me off and go slow in the fast lane, I say you know what, it's not that serious. I'm going to get where I'm going so, it's no big deal.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks Joe. I appreciate hearing about how you're working on it. I am trying to be vigilant and self-aware in how I am feeling and recognizing situations beforehand where I know that I am going to get irritated.
So, either I can get annoyed or let it go and see it for what it actually is. I have to say that I am nowhere near being great at it right now, but I have tons of opportunity to practice with my kids because I know that I get like that around them.
If I can figure it out, and truly figure it out and be chill, with my kids, then I know I can do that with her as well.
I think the deeper issue that is driving all of this for me is to have that sense of control of everything around me. And this is due to lotsa stuff in my life where I had no control over things and I had to just adapt and survive. I am not in survival mode anymore and so I need to figure out how to keep that beast underground. I know that if I ever truly need to be in survival mode, I can do it. But, it doesn't have to be every minute of every day. If I can solve that, I know that I can solve a lot of other issues that I have.
Thanks J. Yeh, I know I am on the right path and I gotta put in the work for myself. I want to be a better dad and a better person.
I did have contact with W. I needed some help with something in my new place and I asked her to help me. She had offered to come help me when I was moving with anything I needed. Normally, I don't ask for help and try to do it all by myself. I need to learn how to ask and accept help. I could've asked one of my buddies, but I asked her instead because I do value her input. It went pretty good - I was chill and positive and didn't feel like I was on edge.
One of the things that she has said to me is that you're just going to be stay so angry and resentful and I want to show her that I am not going to operate that way. DB coach said that I should focus on positive interactions whenever they happen. I am not going to create situations where I can hang out with her, but this was one where I took up on her offer of help and gave me a chance to be not angry and resentful.
Xmas lights aren't up yet lol. I've been super busy with work and I won't see relief until end of this month. So, plan is to get to all of that after.
Let me tell, that's where my practiced started, with my boys. I knew if I could be patient with them I could patient with anyone.
I'm a super control freak as well. Well I was. I can't believe I have gotten to this point. I just let things slide off my back and address those issues in a positive manner. My S6 is just like me and test my patients the most. Now I work my hardest, to positively address issues with him. If he does something I can't stand. I say, "Hey, S6, is that the right thing to do? I let him answer, then I explain what the right thing is." I then give him a kiss or hug. These are huge 180s for me.
I haven't had a anger outburst in a long while. I'm knocking on wood at the moment. But I have notice, everytime I address situations in anger, NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM IT. If I keep my calm, I turn heads. People actually don't mind being around me. Including my W. Who just a few weeks ago didn't. Now she's doing all kind of things around the house, and cooking me food. And kind of other things. That thick cloud has went way down in our home. I'm not reading nothing into it. But I don't is due to her now being able to approach me. And she know I won't criticize or get upset.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Yeah that's where I am starting too - with my kids. I know that if I can figure this out with them, then I can figure it out with anybody else.
I don't usually get angry, but I get super annoyed and irritated, which is because things are not going the way I want them to. I hope to dial that way down and learn how to be chill. Not everything has to be structured down to the very last detail.
One of the things that she has said to me is that you're just going to be stay so angry and resentful and I want to show her that I am not going to operate that way.
My W made this comment to me about a month after she moved out. I was still in shock and we all went out to breakfast as a family (the last time) after my D's basketball game. We were talking about something and she made the comment that she didn't blame me if I was angry at her. I just commented back that I was not angry and continued on eating. I think they do that to get a gauge on where you are at mentally.
Quote:
I am not going to create situations where I can hang out with her, but this was one where I took up on her offer of help and gave me a chance to be not angry and resentful.
Good and good, positive all the time. If you are angry then she is in control of your emotions. She doesn't deserve that power.
Quote:
Xmas lights aren't up yet lol. I've been super busy with work and I won't see relief until end of this month. So, plan is to get to all of that after.
Dude......priorities . I bet that closet is banging though!!!
I think they do that to get a gauge on where you are at mentally.
Absolutely. It's a bit funny when they don't see the reaction and demeanor that they are expecting. I know it's tripped up my W when she expected me to be angry at her and cut her out - which I really wanted to do, but decided that this was one of the things I needed to improve upon for all my relationships.
Quote:
Dude......priorities smile. I bet that closet is banging though!!!
Haha! Yeh, the closet is all good. Got big plans for the bedroom and it will come together next month - xmas lights, a nice red chaise lounge with a side table, a japanese room divider to hide my small office corner, and also some paper lantern lights hanging off the bed. It's all going to be set up for some sexy adventures, whenever they happen in the future.
Absolutely. It's a bit funny when they don't see the reaction and demeanor that they are expecting.
I think this is one thing the WW doesn't expect to happen and works in our favor. Most of us forget we have the playbook and they don't. They expect us to question them, try to control them, ask them questions, rock back and forth in the corner crying our eyes out. The best thing we can do is show them that they no longer control our emotions and we will be fine without them. No one likes or wants someone who is needy, clingy, angry or controlling.
Thanks Joe. I appreciate hearing about how you're working on it. I am trying to be vigilant and self-aware in how I am feeling and recognizing situations beforehand where I know that I am going to get irritated.
So, either I can get annoyed or let it go and see it for what it actually is. I have to say that I am nowhere near being great at it right now, but I have tons of opportunity to practice with my kids because I know that I get like that around them.
If I can figure it out, and truly figure it out and be chill, with my kids, then I know I can do that with her as well. I think the deeper issue that is driving all of this for me is to have that sense of control of everything around me. And this is due to lotsa stuff in my life where I had no control over things and I had to just adapt and survive. I understand & agree with this^^^. It's an insight that is valuable. And now you have to change a part of you that behaves in a way that does not serve you well at all.
The controlling behavior hurts people you love & relationships you value. Keep that in mind when you start to feel that your "way is better"
ask yourself what your real fear is. "If my w cooks the pasta too much, then what 'disaster' befalls us? Oh, none."
"if she loads the dishwasher 'wrong', then what? A glass might break - and THEN WHAT??" If the glass is that important, hand wash it.
When you realize it won't mean your "mom/dad are never coming home" or that you'll still have food on the table (or whatever childhood issue is triggered)
maybe you'll calm down more. There's a workshop called "Essential Experience" in Philly you may want to check out. Several DBers have gone (as have I) and it's life changing. Quite profound.
3.5 days long and seems kind of more "efficient" in jump starting change, than weekly therapy, though I always say "do it all" if you can. Anyhow, check it out if you're interested.
I am not in survival mode anymore and so I need to figure out how to keep that beast underground.
I know that if I ever truly need to be in survival mode, I can do it. hmm, not to terrify you but, relationally, aren't you in survival mode now, b/c your m is threatened? Seems like Change is needed.
But, it doesn't have to be every minute of every day. If I can solve that, I know that I can solve a lot of other issues that I have.
Did you say you have an IC? (Sorry i can't read the thread from here)
keep up the work. Taking in & doing the Serenity prayer may help.
Insights are the start to authentic change. But implementation & deep discomfort with making those changes, is HARD.
Still, seems like Not changing would be worse, wouldn't it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25! Yes, I do have an IC and that has been super helpful. I am being more vigilant with my kids and reflecting on my behavior with them. I kinda screwed up a bit this weekend, but I identified ways for me to start being more self-aware and take a step back before I react. Also understanding how I am feeling and naming it - being annoyed or irritated.
I think one of the hardest thing for me is going to change my wiring around what I have identified as the key feeling - being disrespected. All of the actions my kids and W do that I don't like, it goes to the feeling of being disrespected.
I know that this is how I was raised culturally and it was just drilled into me. It has produced not so great results, so I have to figure out how to let it go and not identify other people's actions with feeling disrespected. I know they're not disrespecting me, but my reactions stem from feeling that way.
I just have to practice a lot and be very mindful. I also realized I need to be more loving and present so that I can make these changes for myself. I am a bit harder on my son and I need to change that. I never yell or get mad, but I get super irritated with him. I really dislike that about myself cuz I know he's just a kid. And he's an amazing sweet sensitive kid and I just want to give him lots of love and support and guidance. Being the way I am, I know that I am not doing a good job of that.
I will work on it consistently because I want my kids to grow up with a loving and supportive father, who is not a pushover, but they don't have to walk on eggshells around me.
Ahhhh!! I am so torn and raw inside because I love them so much and I feel that I am causing them anxiety when they're with me. I don't want that for them. I know how that feels.
Yes, I am in survival mode with the M in this sitch right now, but I am cognizant of it. Previously I didn't even recognize that I was in that mode all the time. I am trying to slow down, not make any impulsive decisions and choices, and be more self-aware of my feelings and question where they're coming from and what I am reacting to. I never did that in the past. So, even in survival mode right now, I am working to get out of it and see that the future is not all doom and gloom. There is brightness and I am a worthy person. My self-worth has been crushed over the last many years and I am working to bringing it back.
You are not alone. I put my boys in the sitch. They felt uneasy around me and hated coming to me for support. Over the last few months, I have been showing them support and being very patient with them. I do get irritated, but then I realized they are just kids. The process of changing my approach took a lot of hard work and still does. But to my surprise and didn't take long for my boys to see the changes. Now they come and give me hugs, ask me to do thing for them, (ask me to read them books before bed and take them outside), before they were hesitant. They walk up to me now with their arms wide open to give me a hug, and my S6, gives me kisses all the time. I didn't realize the type of impact my anger and irritation was having on my relationship. Kids forget fast, and that's a blessing.
I was walking on eggshells around my W as well, I'm careful on how and what I say. But now, I say what I feel like saying. I'm being myself and it feels great. This weekend I helped them put up Halloween decorations and took them to a fair. I really enjoyed it. My wife help and came to the fair as well. I have noticed that the better the relationship with my boys are the better the relationship with my wife gets. I read somewhere that women love through their kids and what the kids feel the wife feels. I had a horrible relationship with my S9 and that's my wife heart. I'm not saying all our boys aren't but the way he feels is the way she usually feels. Now our relationship is a whole lot better. I have learned to be unselfish in all I do with them. All my actions put the boys first. Buying clothes, food, activities, the boys come first. My W has noticed and so has the boys. So now that my relationship with S9 has improved so has the relationship with W and he seeing that is great as well.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I still get irritated but now I have coping mechanisms to deal with them, which I didn't have before. One is I take a step back take a deep breath then go back to what I was doing. It take about a sec to complete, but I give myself time to reflect on the problem are situation at the moment, and then continue, that allows me not to explode.
Maybe you can use that. If so, I hope it helps.
I also smile and laugh around the boys, before I go in the house after a stressful day at work, I yell it out in the car and then walk in the house optimistic and ready to be joyful around them. Positive energy begets positive energy.
You are doing great, the biggest hurdle is recognizing the problem and you have already jumped over that one.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
M....I am proud of you for tackling this issue within yourself. I know it is something that won't be easy to change but something tells me that if anyone can it will be you.
I grew up in a house with a stepfather who was very controlling. He grew up very poor and he took care of everything he had. Showers were limited to no more than 5 minutes, when you are brushing your teeth the water needs to be turned off between brushes, I had to keep my car always clean and detailed, lights are always turned off when you leave the room, etc. etc. etc. It was horrible and it was the 1 thing I vowed to never let my children experience. He was like a drill sergeant. I always felt like I was walking around on eggshells, it was not a pleasant experience.
so are you completely settled in your new place yet?
Thanks Joe. My relationship with my son has improved but I could've done some things differently last weekend. I know to keep myself more aware.
J-dawg - yeah, I know what it feels like to live with a controlling adult. I had that most of my life too and I never thought I would inherit some of those characteristics. Well, I did and now I have to dismantle that behavior so I can be a better parent to my kids. I don't nearly do anything near to what I had experienced, but my attitude and behavior is still controlling in that sense. I thought I was doing things differently, but now I see that maybe I wasn't yelling or screaming at my kids, but I still wasn't there for them the way I needed someone to be there for me. So, I am going to keep on improving this aspect of my character and make sure my kids don't grow up in an environment where they have to walk around eggshells.
Not completely settled in yet. Work is bananas right now and I will get some time to breathe at the end of this month. Plan on taking a couple of days off early November to regroup and just relax. I will tackle the new place then. The basics are done, but I still need to do some more stuff to get it homely.
Thanks 25! Yes, I do have an IC and that has been super helpful. I am being more vigilant with my kids and reflecting on my behavior with them. I kinda screwed up a bit this weekend, but I identified ways for me to start being more self-aware and take a step back before I react. Also understanding how I am feeling and naming it - being annoyed or irritated.
I think one of the hardest thing for me is going to change my wiring around what I have identified as the key feeling - being disrespected. All of the actions my kids and W do that I don't like, it goes to the feeling of being disrespected.
Wow what an interesting insight^^. (Good for you)
So, this could mean that loading the dishwasher their own way, or being late, or whatever
becomes way more than merely a difference but an insult to you?
And it seems it's something you feel compelled to address, and
those 3 problems are, to be blunt, yours.
Unfortunately they greatly affect others, and they are not serving you well at all.
Do you think if you were more secure with yourself, and capable of stepping back and giving them space to be their own people, it would help you not link it to their respect for you?
I mean, in a way you are saying that all their choices end up being about you.
I know that this is how I was raised culturally and it was just drilled into me. It has produced not so great results, so I have to figure out how to let it go and not identify other people's actions with feeling disrespected. I know they're not disrespecting me, but my reactions stem from feeling that way. I think where the head goes, the heart will follow. Keep in mind these^^ beliefs are so NOT serving you and are creating wedges between you and your kids and wife.
I just have to practice a lot and be very mindful. I also realized I need to be more loving and present so that I can make these changes for myself. I am a bit harder on my son and I need to change that. do you have a positive role model for being more easy going?
I never yell or get mad, but I get super irritated with him. I really dislike that about myself cuz I know he's just a kid. And he's an amazing sweet sensitive kid and I just want to give him lots of love and support and guidance. Being the way I am, I know that I am not doing a good job of that.
I will work on it consistently because I want my kids to grow up with a loving and supportive father, who is not a pushover, but they don't have to walk on eggshells around me.
Ahhhh!! I am so torn and raw inside because I love them so much and I feel that I am causing them anxiety when they're with me. I don't want that for them. I know how that feels. can you tell them this^^ in an age appropriate way?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, those problems are all on me. It has nothing to do with them but me. It's like I created a script of how life needs to be run on a daily basis and if anyone deviated from that, it would piss me off.
I do need to be more secure with myself and I am really putting that into practice. There are some fundamental things about me that I cannot change, and coming to grips with that has been a lifelong battle. Something I don't want to openly talk about here because in case someone ever may find out who I am. But I was born with a condition that has affected me my whole life and in particular how it has really screwed up my identity - that has been one of the main things that has made me insecure and created a level of self-hatred, sadness, and loads of psychological pain in my life. I have lived with it and it is not something I can change.
So, I am changing up the script and realizing that I am a good person with fantastic qualities and this one thing doesn't get to define my identity and happiness. It is what it is and I had no control over it, no matter how hard I tried my whole life.
There are other aspects that come into play as well - divorced parents, growing up with a narcissistic mom (didn't realize that until last 5 years), constantly being gaslighted by her, and being uprooted from the rest of my family because of her madness etc etc.
So, been living in crisis mode most of my life.
I do have some positive role models in my family and I have reconnected with them and forged a strong bond over the last two years. It is helping me even more now that I am in this situation.
I have loosened up in the last week and it has been tremendous in some ways. Small steps but it has been very positive.
My kids are more relaxed and my son told me ILY when I put him to bed last night. I always tell him that but he rarely says it back, but last night was different. I held my emotions until I left his room and then tears just streamed down.
Work has been bananas for me and I've been super tired this week. With me feeling that way it is a perfect situation for me to lose it and get irritated. But, I knew that I was going to be reactive and I just stopped myself from worrying about little things. I didn't order my kids around. They ate dinner and we chatted. They went and got dressed and washed up and everything and I wasn't compelled to hurry them up or get them to do things in a rote manner. I just let them be and you know what - they got everything done without me nagging them. I just stayed positive and didn't let the little things bother me - like my son playing around before getting into his pj's.
And what I am working on is being internally calm, not just outwardly. I wasn't irritated or annoyed with them and just went with the flow. Nothing bad happened. They spent five more minutes on everything than if I had ordered them around. Read them both stories and put them to bed and it was later than they usually go to bed, but so what. I just let it go and it was a relief.
I am just going to continue to monitor myself and know which situations are triggering for me and be proactive about it.
Best of all, they weren't anxious or felt like I was monitoring their moves. I just consciously didn't check up on them in their rooms and let them be. They got it all done and didn't need me as the drill sergeant giving them orders. It was good.
M...I have no words one of your best posts yet. It really sounds like you are breaking down some walls and engaging in some true self-discovery. Whether your W comes back or not I know you will win in the end. I could feel the power and emotion in your words as you described putting your son to bed. AMAZING!
One thing I had to learn about during this journey was the value I have inside of me as a man. Obviously we only know what you share but just remember that you do have fantastic qualities and attributes and you don't need anyone else to validate your self-worth. You have everything you need inside of you, it has always been there!
Continue to find your peace and internal happiness! You deserve it!
Yo, I know that feeling and it feels awesome. About three weeks ago, I dropped my kids off at school in the morning. And my S6 gave me a hug and kiss before he got out. It was unprompted by me. It came out of nowhere. After they got out the car, I felt like the greatest man alive. My son is 6 and that was his first time showing me affection in that manner. I knew then, what I was doing was making an impact. You have done the same thing.
I finally realized that kids are going to be kids. A extra five mins to get dressed, why let that bother me and make our relationship strained without kids. I use to be so impatient with my boys, just like you. I still have some moments, but what's great now, is I feel it coming on, and I can catch myself and correct myself. Kids are going to make mistakes, and I rather them make mistakes in front of me then anywhere else. I need to feel safe enough to come to me no matter what happens to them in life and I know you feel the same. And them thinking we will blow up on them, will keep them away in the hard times of their lives. We don't want that.
Great Job M. You deserve the love.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks for the encouragement Joe and J-bruh! You guys have given me solid things to think about and to see that other people have struggled with this, makes me feel less alone in this world. I am doing way better already and I feel dope.
So, interesting update.
Went to one of my kids activities this afternoon. W has the kids for the rest of the week. Some chit chat with W, which was positive and chill and I was actually feeling pretty good and not on edge. W goes over to talk to another parent.
And I am chatting my with S who then informs me that they're going to dinner to mom's friend's place and it's a BBQ and they might do s'mores and stuff.
This is the 'friend' that is also separated from his W. He works at the same office as W. W had admitted going out on a coffee date with him a few weeks after BD. W also helped me one time to go 'suit' shopping - she used to work in this suit store in her uni years and so knows all about suits: that's what she told me.
So, W was not next to me when my S told me this. I just played it cool in front of him. I don't want him to get any negative vibes from me. But, I got kinda pissed in my head. But, I started thinking about how I need to focus on myself and this is a good moment to start putting detachment into practice. I know it's not a flip switch, but I need to make the most of such ridiculous moments. So, I was internally angry, but outwardly cool. I just took a few deep breaths and let myself calm down internally and come back to a place of zen.
After the event is over and we're walking outside, my S asks W in front of me if they're going straight to this 'friend's house from here. I didn't bat an eye and just stood cool.
She put the kids in the car and came out and said: "I am not dating him. I am not interested in him. EVER. Just wanted you to know that."
I got caught by surprise a bit and so my response was a bit flustered. I can't remember everything I said, but I definitely said - I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Thanks for letting me know.
And the kids were basically clamouring to have me give them hugs and kisses before they left. So, I just walked over to the car and gave them tons of kisses and hugs and made them laugh and what not. And then said bye to the kids. And then W's door was still open, and I said - Have a good evening. And just walked off to my car and didn't look back.
Also, I was looking awesome today. Just finished climbing and so my arms and shoulders were all jacked up. I was dressed super nice and smelled good too.
I know I was flustered, and I am not sure if my responses were great. I just didn't want to go into a long conversation.
What I wanted to also say was that - I don't care what you do W, but you don't get to decide when kids meet whoever you're dating without having a discussion with me'. I have said that previously so I didn't feel like I needed to say it again, but I feel like I should've said it.
I just hate being caught off-guard and I was trying my darndest to think of what all y'all DBer's would advise to say. But, I just kept it short and didn't react.
I have no idea if she's telling the truth, but if she isn't, I will at least be pissed that she took the kids to meet him and his kids. He also has 2 kids around the same age as my kids.
I do feel okay right now. Just happened half hour ago. I don't know why she felt compelled to tell me what she said. I didn't ask where she was going and what was happening, nothing.
I am trying to get to a place where I actually don't care, but I don't condone it either. However, I think that goes without saying. I don't need to tell her that this is messed up if she's dating someone right now. I think that's obvious. I dunno. I don't feel like I need to say it.
Anyways, feedback always appreciated. I need to know how to handle such convos, especially when they spring out of nowhere.
Couldn’t resist so looked this guy up and found him on an online platform. Seeing his picture just made me laugh. He got nothing on me in the looks department. I was like - you want that, go for it. He’s no competition for me. I know it’s not just about looks but I got like 500% more swagger than this guy. It’s all good. I feel pretty detached.
Maika - I thought I'd respond to your question on your own thread. I hope you don't mind.
Originally Posted By: Maika
Bigybiz and AndrewP - looks like both of you are standing for your MR. I’m curious to know why you haven’t filed for D?
I gave up standing for my MR back in January. The reasons are all buried in my older threads but in essence I realized that she wasn't going to come back in any forseeable future.
There was no rush on my part for divorce as it is just a piece of paper to me at this point in my life and makes no difference to how I live day to day. Over the last 4 or 5 months though, the separation agreement - which again my STBX initiated was negotiated out. Part of that is that she will file for divorce within 20 days of the agreement being signed.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
No worries AndrewP for answering here. I appreciate it.
So, are you in a place where you are thinking of dating? I feel like I won't be able to be in a place to date or even look unless the D is done. If I am sure I want the D, then I will also be in a place to date.
As you said the D is just a piece of paper and doesn't matter to your day to day life. Does that now include other romantic relationships or the possibility of it? How do you feel about that if D hasn't been finalized?
Maika Really impressed how you held it together. We can mentally prepare for all these scenarios until one catches us off guard. In my case last week I saw a tag in the trash for some exotic lingerie that I am highly unlikely to be seeing anytime soon. I just took a deep breath and actually laughed to myself. I hope my own detachment keeps up but in any case more power to you!
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Thanks CW. I don’t want to have canned responses but I also don’t want to be flustered when something comes up. It’s a fools errand trying to understand why they do and say what they do. But talk is cheap and I only believe in action. I’m doing well and after next week I will be back on focusing my goals hardcore.
As you said the D is just a piece of paper and doesn't matter to your day to day life. Does that now include other romantic relationships or the possibility of it? How do you feel about that if D hasn't been finalized?
I think that once I am legally divorced that I will be more "marketable" .
I go through phases where I am interested in a romantic relationship and then times when I am ambivalent about it which is where I have been for the last while. A major shift for me as I've healed is that I have realized that I don't "need" to have a partner in my life. That I can be whole in and of myself.
I do know that I still have healing to do and that I will always bear the scars of what has happened to me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I see what you're saying AndrewP. Well, you'll definitely be more 'marketable' for sure.
I know intellectually that I have to get a place where I don't 'need' a partner for my own happiness and that I can be whole by myself. But I sure would love to have that.
It's weird but at this point, W looks like a withered version of her previous self. It's like watching a person slowly crumble, and I do feel for her. But I know that at this point, I can't do anything to make her whole again - she has to address all the issues that she's pushing away. It's all about her at this point, and nothing to do with me.
CW - that lingerie thing is just so effin' messed up. I am glad you got a chuckle out of it, but sometimes I wonder why they couldn't have had direct conversations with us about whatever that was going on.
Yep the whole thing is bizarre. The A is clearly their special private thing which they are entitled to of course (thank you Sandi, 25) in my case as she spends the whole time looking after me, D and MIL. As in a lot of sitchs I am convinced she is thinking I would never envoke the D threat again. Hmm.....
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
I think you handled it fine M.....I mean I don't think anyone would have the perfect words to say at that time. I think the important thing is to not let her know it bothers you. It sounds like you remained calm, didn't grill her, etc. IMO it is clear that she doesn't want to hurt you and it is interesting that she felt compelled to give you an explanation. Whether it is true or not who knows, only time will tell but technically she didn't need to justify anything to you.
I remember early on my W shook me up on the inside with some stuff she said. The longer this goes on though I can tell you it gets easier. Now that you 2 are truely separated it will get easier and easier.
I would just think about how you are going to respond to these situations in the future. If she brings up D what is your response? If she brings up dating what is your response? If she brings up getting back together what is your response? Stuff like that.
For me if she wants a D, then go file if that is what you want. If you want to date or met someone, go for it, I think you should. Because I have been doing some thinking also and I have realized I don't love you either and I think it's for the best that we go our separate ways. If she wants to reconcile. Well I am not sure if that is what I want because I have realized that there are things missing from our relationship and I am not sure you can provide unless your willing to change.
Hang in there dude, at this point in time I am just trying to be a good co-parent and make sure my children are happy! I am actually enjoying being a single parent. HAving two young daughters is like cat nip!
Yeah it might be she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but that's such weird logic. I mean things could obviously be worse - she could be sleeping around on the daily with random dudes or whatever. We've seen plenty on these boards how the WW/WH can royally $crew things up.
You pose some good questions. Let me answer them as practice, for where I am right now emotionally and mentally.
What if she brings up D? I feel like I am in a weird space right now where I wouldn't offer any resistance to it. I feel like maybe D is fine because I am good with where I am and I dunno if I want to go back to the MR, especially as she's not put in any work on her end.
Getting back together? As Sandi says, words need to match up to her actions and attitude, so that is the first thing I would look for. Minimum MC/IC to even jumpstart this work at least for me.
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If you want to date or met someone, go for it, I think you should.
Curious to know why you would say that she should date someone.
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Because I have been doing some thinking also and I have realized I don't love you either and I think it's for the best that we go our separate ways.
Is this where you're at right now? Sounds like you're inching closer to the decision to D. Just an observation. I know there's been chat on this on your thread and it's been interesting to get perspectives from other folks here.
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Well I am not sure if that is what I want because I have realized that there are things missing from our relationship and I am not sure you can provide unless your willing to change
I like that. It's pretty ball$y, but coming from a place of self confidence and strength.
Yeah I am just trying to be a good co-parent and making sure kiddos are doing well. To be honest, I noticed a beautiful woman today and interacted with her for some stuff and I was like, dayummm.. I'd like to take you out tonight. Obviously, didn't say any of that, but I felt like I could be in a place in a few months where I would actually make a move.
On the awesome side, I put on a shirt today that I had bought 2 months ago and it fit a bit loose on me. When I had tried it, it was a bit more form fitting. So, I've lost a few pounds which was a nice surprise.
Yes, our W's have not been completely off their rocker like others have been so in that regard we are lucky. I still don't have any proof their is OM and if there is so far she has not been stupid enough to bring him around our girls because I know they would say something. If there is OM I would suspect he is married which is why she has not pushed for D and if there is not then she is just enjoying the single life, meeting guys probably and hanging out with her girlfriends. Either way no attempts have been made on her part to work on the MR.
I don't know if what I would say is right or wrong per DB principals but I am tired of running scared. I don't fear D any more, still don't want it but I am not scared by it. so I guess when I think about the questions that normally would give me that sinking feeling in my stomach part of how I would respond is based on my lack of really caring right now about what happens.
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Curious to know why you would say that she should date someone.
When I think about it anything else to me sounds week. Am I supposed to tell her how I love her and beg her not to? When I run the scenarios at the end of the day I can't stop her so I guess it's part of setting her free. I guess it's coming from a position of strength but I am willing to let her go. If she wants to do that and make it public (I guess an open marriage) then I don't want to stay around for that. So go do it if that's what you want.
I also don't think she would ever come ask me either.
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Is this where you're at right now? Sounds like you're inching closer to the decision to D. Just an observation. I know there's been chat on this on your thread and it's been interesting to get perspectives from other folks here.
Again, I just think about if she came to me and said that. At that point what options would I have? I am not going to beg or plead for her not to. Right now I am committed to this path until after the holidays. That will be a little over 6 months, then I will re-evaluate. They say you have to be ready to lose it before you can ever save it.
I feel like I am pretty detached and she no longer stirs the same emotions in me that she used to. I also have lost some respect for her as well and actually am starting to view her as a weak individual. When I think about what she has done to our family and our D's I am viewing her as an ugly person on the inside. Does that make sense?
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On the awesome side, I put on a shirt today that I had bought 2 months ago and it fit a bit loose on me. When I had tried it, it was a bit more form fitting. So, I've lost a few pounds which was a nice surprise.
That's awesome, good for you! That helps with the confidence! I never weigh myself I just go by how the clothes fit. Banana Republic has some really nice for fitting shirts and if you can catch them on sale not a bad price.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/24/1706:36 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
. I also like to have a few beverages as well. In fact right now I am watching some baseball with a little vodka and soda water. I have quit before, something my W never complained about but I picked it up again once all this started.
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