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Maika Offline OP
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No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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Short recap:

W dropped the BD and everything moved at lightning speed. Moved into separate bedrooms, in-house separation for a few weeks, W found a new place, put matrimonial home on the market and sold it within a few days, W moved out, I am still in the matrimonial home and moving in two weeks.

W definitely had an EA (she has not confessed) in the early stages of BD; went on one date that I know of with another guy (she told me); after that, no sign of any A; suspecting she might have gone on some casual dates, but no proof.

I DB'd for real for the first few weeks since I found this site, but floundered for quite a bit because W was sending mixed signals and I didn't know what they meant. Did a huge temp check with her last week because I couldn't live in ambiguity and she told me separation was permanent, she isn't interested in MC, and you can't love someone if you don't love yourself (referring to me not loving myself).

So, I have received confirmation as to where she is at and now I know that I can DB properly and not worry about her signals. As I understand, if there is serious effort on her part for a recon, the signals will be obvious. I am early in my sitch so no expectation of a recon any time soon, if ever.

Had 2 DB Coach sessions - both extremely helpful. Kids school schedule has finally settled and so opportunity to see W will be only on the weekend when kids have activities.

My goals for the rest of the calendar year:

1. Have positive friendly encounters with W.

2. Not shut her out completely - this is a tweaked NC/going dark approach that I will test out over time to see how comfortable I feel; this is not about using a strategy to get a reaction out of her or to see how she responds; this is about how I can follow my goal of detachment with love and do a 180 on past behaviour.

3. Start modelling acceptance of other perspectives and ways of doing things.

I have an IC that I see regularly to help me with all my goals:

1. Become more assertive
2. Manage conflict productively
3. Learn how to put my needs and priorities on the table and not bury them for the sake of other people
4. Become more understanding of others and learn how to accept different ways of doing things
5. Become self aware of my emotional state and learn how to process crisis emotionally and not just intellectually

GAL goals:

1. Workout 3 times a week (home gym is coming soon at the new place)
2. Go climbing 2 times a week
3. Get proper sleep
4. Quit smoking
5. Read and write consistently
6. Go to events - concerts, stand-up comedy shows, plays, movies, etc
7. Make new friends

I feel more at peace right now because I have a game plan for myself. The only reason I might change my approach for self-preservation and DBing is if I find out W has an OM.

I can't file for D (if I wanted to) until 12 months of separation have passed. This brings it to June/July 2018. This coincides with the time W finishes her uni program. I don't realistically expect anything by that timeline - I am not doing anything for W right now, just me. But I will reassess where I am and how I feel at that point and then see which decisions I need to make.

I want to thank everyone on this forum for their immense help and support. I couldn't have done with all of you.


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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Quote:
I wish my W would open up some but she really has her guard up. The crazy thing is that I don't say a word about us or anything. She doesn't give an inch and I have never done anything to her. When I tried to engage in more conversation with her via text or email she would be the first one to cut off the conversation. I didn't like the way it made me feel so I just stopped.

At minimum it sounds like your W is still very friendly and open to this type of dialogue which is good in my opinion as long as you don't read into it


Yeah W is still open to communications and having these types of conversations. I am just trying to walk the tightrope of engaging in them / not pursuing / keep my emotional state in check.

I know she doesn't want me to shut her out, and expects me to do exactly that. So, I gotta figure out how to do a 180 on this behaviour that I have had forever. Now, I had initially thought that I would do that and it was to get a reaction from her or wanting a positive response. But, the more I thought about this behaviour of how I handled conflict, I realized that I need to change it for myself so that I can have better friendships and relationships with people. This behaviour was just me shutting my feelings down and burying them away and not dealing with them.

So, I have a real opportunity to try and change this with W being the first person I can practice this on. I know it has to be a deep internal change because I want it to be personal transformation, not some gimmick to get her back. I'm going to have to work at this and I am so glad I have an IC who can help me with this.

I understand why you stopped the engagement with your W. If you're not getting an inch after a few tries, it is disheartening and can make you feel like crap. So, why do it. I think you're doing great in your sitch and we have to all figure out our approaches based on what has happened.


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Dude your so organized, I bet your closest is spectacular!!! Love the goals, what goal will the hardest? Quiting smoking or being more accepting of others?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Maika Offline OP
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Haha! My closet and bookshelves are organized by colour. I am such a Type A lolz.

Quitting smoking will be hard, but not the hardest. I quit before for a couplea years and so I know what the journey looks like - it's actually not that bad. I know how amazing I felt after quitting and how my health improved over months - I want to get back there. I am planning on quitting this weekend. Lets see how it goes.

More accepting of other viewpoints and perspectives is probably going to be the hardest. I know that I am just set in some of my ways and it will require a great degree of self-awareness of my emotions and thoughts to counteract this - and it will have to be done consistently for it to actually turn into a real transformation.

This is mostly because my W is flakey and it drives me up the wall lol. I need to learn how to chill out and not judge her for that and that this flakiness doesn't make her a bad, disorganized, irresponsible, and uncaring person.


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Well thats cool, I wish I was more type A like you. I am laid back and easy going, it takes me a lot to get angry which is has probably helped me through this. I did a strength finder test at work and it is hard for me to be type A so it is something I have put a lot of effort in to make happen. I think striking a balance would make me happy.

We all have our vices. My parents smoked, I never picked it up but I do chew snuff. Probably worse smile. I also like to have a few beverages as well. In fact right now I am watching some baseball with a little vodka and soda water. I have quit before, something my W never complained about but I picked it up again once all this started.

Atleast you are self aware of your viewpoints. You will probably always have them but being more balanced and accepting is probably something you can achieve. When I am in those situations I always try to think of both sides before I respond. That is one of things I really admire about my W she is very compassionate and accepting of others.

I think you are off to a good start now that you have closure. I often wondered how hard it will be for our W's to notice our changes with limited exposure and conversation. I guess at the end of the day as long as we feel better about ourselves that is all that matters and truely is taking all of the focus off of them if we are doing it for ourselves


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 299
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Originally Posted By: Maika
Short recap:

W dropped the BD and everything moved at lightning speed. Moved into separate bedrooms, in-house separation for a few weeks, W found a new place, put matrimonial home on the market and sold it within a few days, W moved out, I am still in the matrimonial home and moving in two weeks.

W definitely had an EA (she has not confessed) in the early stages of BD; went on one date that I know of with another guy (she told me); after that, no sign of any A; suspecting she might have gone on some casual dates, but no proof.

I DB'd for real for the first few weeks since I found this site, but floundered for quite a bit because W was sending mixed signals and I didn't know what they meant. Did a huge temp check with her last week because I couldn't live in ambiguity and she told me separation was permanent, she isn't interested in MC, and you can't love someone if you don't love yourself (referring to me not loving myself).

So, I have received confirmation as to where she is at and now I know that I can DB properly and not worry about her signals. As I understand, if there is serious effort on her part for a recon, the signals will be obvious. I am early in my sitch so no expectation of a recon any time soon, if ever.

Had 2 DB Coach sessions - both extremely helpful. Kids school schedule has finally settled and so opportunity to see W will be only on the weekend when kids have activities.

My goals for the rest of the calendar year:

1. Have positive friendly encounters with W.

2. Not shut her out completely - this is a tweaked NC/going dark approach that I will test out over time to see how comfortable I feel; this is not about using a strategy to get a reaction out of her or to see how she responds; this is about how I can follow my goal of detachment with love and do a 180 on past behaviour.

3. Start modelling acceptance of other perspectives and ways of doing things.

I have an IC that I see regularly to help me with all my goals:

1. Become more assertive
2. Manage conflict productively
3. Learn how to put my needs and priorities on the table and not bury them for the sake of other people
4. Become more understanding of others and learn how to accept different ways of doing things
5. Become self aware of my emotional state and learn how to process crisis emotionally and not just intellectually

GAL goals:

1. Workout 3 times a week (home gym is coming soon at the new place)
2. Go climbing 2 times a week
3. Get proper sleep
4. Quit smoking
5. Read and write consistently
6. Go to events - concerts, stand-up comedy shows, plays, movies, etc
7. Make new friends

I feel more at peace right now because I have a game plan for myself. The only reason I might change my approach for self-preservation and DBing is if I find out W has an OM.

I can't file for D (if I wanted to) until 12 months of separation have passed. This brings it to June/July 2018. This coincides with the time W finishes her uni program. I don't realistically expect anything by that timeline - I am not doing anything for W right now, just me. But I will reassess where I am and how I feel at that point and then see which decisions I need to make.

I want to thank everyone on this forum for their immense help and support. I couldn't have done with all of you.


Your Goals are awesome M. I swear we are frickin twins, with everything you mentioned. I need to go ask my mom some questions 8)

I am glad to see you are heading in a positive direction. You are an inspiration man.


Married 9: Together 11
M:37 W:35
S:2 D:7
Bomb dropped 6/3/2017
W moved out 7/1/2017
Separation Filed: 8/1/2017
Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017
Divorced: 10/5/2017
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Maika Offline OP
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Thanks man! I don't feel exactly back at square one, but I am in a better place for sure. I hope to get to the much coveted zen state of mind that J-dawg is at in the next few months.

It's great we have similar goals - we can help each other with how it's going. I hope your blog is going alright and the writing is helping your mind and heart.

Good to find a brother from another mother! Always!


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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Had my first opportunity today since I talked to the DB Coach about having a positive interactions with W.

W forgot something D needs tomorrow for school, so came by and dropped it off. I had mentioned to her that my workplace was having some insane drama in a text on Monday. So, I told her about it and she actually did some validation - now that I know how to do it I can recognize it easily lol.

It was a positive interaction and I was in great spirits. I didn't hug her when she came in. When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug - so I was like okay. Again, dem hugs don't mean no thang, so no mixed signals or mind reading or drawing any ridiculous conclusions from it.

I am totally cool. I wasn't on edge and I am feeling good about how my emotions are right now - total equilibrium.

I am so happy with the DB game plan. Staying strong!


No one is coming to save you!

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Quote:
It was a positive interaction and I was in great spirits. I didn't hug her when she came in. When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug - so I was like okay. Again, dem hugs don't mean no thang, so no mixed signals or mind reading or drawing any ridiculous conclusions from it.


Good, don't read into them. Maybe she feels guilty, who knows, but unless she wants to talk about the MR who cares. Just monitor your own feelings if you feel like the hugging is not helping you detach.


Quote:
I am totally cool. I wasn't on edge and I am feeling good about how my emotions are right now - total equilibrium.


Nice.....I found that it was hard to get comfortable at first. I think it is easier if you have no desire talk about the R as well. Like mentally you get to the point to where you have no interest either. Maybe that is truely DTR where you don't care either.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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