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LAJar Offline OP
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LONG Update: Even though H & I are not communicating, this weekend was still emotionally draining. S came home from school for a visit, so I was happy about that. H is the only father he's ever known, so I worry about how S is dealing with all of this. He's very much like me, private & keeps emotions inside. In the past, I avoided some conversations w/ S for fear of making him feel uncomfortable (and probably myself too). An example that caused a big problem for H & me, I never changed my maiden name & was a sore issue for H. My reasoning was that I didn't want H & me to have one name and S to have another and not feel like part of our family. I never asked S how he felt & when he was younger I still don't know how I would have felt discussing with him. As I got older, I should have brought it up. H told him the one time they spoke since he left, that it was an issue for him. I discussed w/ S and he very nonchanlantly said, If you would have wanted me to change my name, I would have. Uh! Talk about regret for something so simple. Anyway, after realizing I have a tendency to do this, I decided to bring up what's going on and see how son is coping. He's doing relatively well, but is definitely upset. Has a lot of harsh, valid things to say about H and his choices. This will go down as a 180 for me.

Since H left, I have also only had contact with SIL 3 times on text. Yesterday she called me in the morning to ask if she could stop by with two of MIL's closest friends. Since MIL's passing, we have remained in contact with her close circle of friends. I wasn't sure they knew what was going on prior to them coming over. It was an extremely emotional meeting. I was able to discuss with them my feeling H in MLC. I explained what he has done and how it relates to the stages. Light bulbs were going off for SIL, who has been witness to much of this. They are not surprised by him being in MLC, given his childhood history with his father. They just can't believe his behavior, from A to financial choices. SIL has told me H has brought OW to FIL's home and tried to bring her to a family gathering. After taking OW to FIL's house, SIL told him not to bring her around anymore and said she was not welcome at her house. This is beyond hurtful and crazy to me that he's already trying to bring her into the family when we are still married.

With that being said, I feel fully supported by them which is nice. I feel for SIL, because I know at some point this may end for me, but she will be dealing with this for long after. SIL and both friends told me I should just be done with H. He is far too damaged to turn things around and I shouldn't accept this behavior. I have also heard from my brother the same, but he also feels like I am using MLC as an excuse for H. I've told brother that's not the case, but that understanding MLC helps to explain the behavior. I'd still have so many ? if not for this. Has anyone else experienced this and how have you helped them understand the need to know?

This Friday will be 10 year anniversary. I will be out of town at a music festival with brother and his gf. I'm so thankful they've invited me and I'm sure the day will be tough, but much easier with this distraction. I had a friend ask today how I felt about this looming date and admitted the difficulty but said in some ways I don't even feel like it's my anniversary. There's nothing to celebrate this day anymore and doubt I'll hear from H. There's nothing to celebrate on a wedding anniversary if there's only one person acknowledging the marriage. I just hope I can really deal with the day and move on.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Is the mortgage in his name?

I understand not wanting to file but what is best for you?

I understand wanting to confide in family but you can't expect others to understand. It's incomprehensible to most. One of my family tried to give unhelpful advice and I cut them off and told them I just want them to listen.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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LAJar Offline OP
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The mortgage is in both of our names. Before we purchased the home, we agreed he would pay the mortgage and I would pay all other bills relating to the home (gas, electrcity, water, etc.) as well as a loan I took out for home renovations. Even as recently as a month ago, he said he'd still take care of it. I'm not surprised by his given all that has happened

Legally/financially I don't know if this holds any baring on our situation. He has already filed, just not served me, so I would think that would take care of that. Emotionally/mentally, I'm not there yet. I feel like he wants this, he should see the process through. I will be doing enough getting the house ready to sell and just dealing with this mess in general, I shouldn't have to worry about that as well.

I know only those who have experienced the same will understand. They mean well and aren't pushing anything on me, but I just wondered how others react who aren't in the know when you try to explain MLC.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
Joined: Nov 2016
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Why should you have to get the house ready to sell?

Why should you have to clean up after his mess?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Aug 2017
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I can't really afford the house on my own. If he's not willing to pay the mortgage, I can only do so for another 2 months. I don't see any other alternative other than getting a roommate, which I don't think he'd go for. He wants to keep the house if I'm not (over my dead body will he play house w/ OW in what should have been my house). So if we're at a stalemate, it seems the only alternative is to sell.

To be honest, I have been getting the house ready to sell only because we were already doing renovations. When he left I continued in order to protect the value of the house. However, I will not clean up his mess. He can do that all by himself. He's taken a lot of his things with him but has left a lot at the house. I'm not a fool, he'll have to worry about that.

Why, why, why??? Because he has another OW, and things are great outside of his wife, my son, the house, his sister, his father, life responsibilities and anyone/thing else he feels is giving him grief. I ask myself why? all the time.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 83
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LAJar Offline OP
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I'm new to this and really just trying to figure out my options. Has anyone else been in this predicament (in terms of the house)? Anything I'm not seeing or missing that I should be doing?


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Do you have a good lawyer?

Don't burn all your limited cash and savings on that mortgage.

If you can emotionally detach from the house, it may be advantageous to give it to him and have him buy you out of your equity.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 83
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LAJar Offline OP
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I don't have a lawyer yet, but I've had two consultations and will be going for a third next week. I got a good vibe from this last one, so we'll see what happens when we speak.

That's my problem - I'm scared to burn through my savings. I could easily get a roommate, be able to afford the house and keep it for a bit longer. That would be the smart thing to do because I'm also nervous about tax implications. H doesn't care about any of this. At this point, I can't detach from this house. It's not the house per se, it's the idea of our future/dreams cut down, H trying to use our dream w/ OW. Also part of down payment was a gift from MIL & SIL was also upset when H told her he wanted to keep our house. MIL didn't give us that & for H to then live in it w/ OW.

As I've done a little investigating and discovered some of H's poor financial choices, I don't believe he could afford to buy me out. We've only had the house since April, so not much equity, if any. SIL and I both think if he would try to buy me out, he'd ask FIL for $ and that's not going to happen either. All of this is unknown right now, so I won't have real answers until I get an attorney and have the house appraised. I feel so unsure about which direction to go, [b][/b] especially because I don't know what H's reaction will be to all of this. Not paying the mortgage feels very aggressive to me, so I can only imagine what's to come.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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A lot of MLC is in the unknowing state
Not knowing what to do
whats going to happen
its a long wait to watch unfold
getting as much information and watching H movements back and forth
GAL
and
at the same time grieving , counseling, working on self, finding new activities and friends, dealing with MLCer craziness

for some of us going out to work for the first time in a while
raising kids alone
its all new and it takes time
so just keep going doing as you are , trusting your instincts, getting information and watching the situation
watch the credit cards if you share joint accounts, try to separate finances because they will rack up debt and yes they have their new dreams with the ow, it hurts but its all part of the crises

and
I can tell my XH had all the same dreams with his new younger wife back at the start of MLC

fast forward to now many years later-
he is is miserable and wanting to divorce her but has no where to go and no one left in his life

Hang in their friend


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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LAJar Offline OP
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Thanks peace.
Your parting words of "Hang in there friend", so simple but much needed. Today would have been 10 year anniversary. Sad for the old, loving memories of what was, but I'll get through.

The unknowing is plain and simple horrible. His choices have put me in this state. At times I feel somewhat paralyzed by what's the right way to handle things. It's just not a place I thought I'd ever be, caused by H's decisions.

I know I won't feel this way forever and am slowly pulling myself out of this hole. Having still not been served, it's daunting to think I have a minimum of another 6 months (divorce process) to go through this. Ha! As if this stops with just the legal process.

I appeciate input from the vets who have gone through this and can offer words of support. The clearer eyes to provide advice from a place of, "I know, I've been there", are invaluable. I see it in the eyes of friends and family who only see me going through this, but truly can't relate. I know I have to be true to myself and do what's best for me and my sitch.

I write this from a hotel room in Las Vegas. I am a third wheel with my brother and his gf for a weekend trip to get me the h@ll out of my house to forget about today. I hope it works for the most part. It doesn't even feel like my anniversary, which is just sad. When I return, I will work on what to do with my house. My thought is to email H, tell him since he failed to pay mortgage I cannot afford the mortgage and house expenses much longer. I will be having the house appraised and my brother will be listing the house. If he doesn't want brother to represent him, he will need to find realtor to co-list. I'm angry he's failed his obligation and want to be stern, but know I need to tow the line. Any thoughts on the best way to word this?


Last edited by job; 09/22/17 07:50 AM. Reason: edited a word

M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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