I am new to the forum. I cheated with someone from work over a year ago. I had been depressed and was struggling with my marriage and H wasn't willing to talk or try to resolve marriage problem. I was in a terrible state and was failing to concentrate with some work stuff and was under extreme pressure. I met someone (workmate) who pretended to want to work with me and I even informed my H about him and that he was suggesting a way to work on my task and he was OK with that. This workmate apparently didnt even try to help with work but instead he started talking to me about how stressed I looked and made me open up about what was stressing me. He would listen to me and pretend to be genuinely concerned. I was never attracted to him but with time he would invite me to go an eat out. I would o and one day we slept once and as we were having s*x I immediately got to my senses and stopped there and then and refused the second time. After some weeks I opened up to my husband and he contacted the OM who confirmed that we had s*x once and that after that I cut contact with him and ignored him. However in that conversation he mentioned that he loves me. My husband got so angry and would insult me and say that he wish I could just die. He tells me that I am heartless and put his life in danger. He is so angry and its been a year and sometimes he just wakes up and insult me. He threatens me. Of recent he told me that we better divorce because he cannot promise to be faithful because of what I did. I just agreed but then the next day he wants to be intimate with me. We have had many problems for the past 10 years and before I cheated we were not on talking terms. He would ignore me and threaten divorce. He would tell me that he wishes I could sleep with someone else or that even if I cheat he will not even be angry. He would tell me that I dont respect him and his privacy. He would get close to some younger ladies at his workplace and would be chatting with them but ignore my chats. At home he would be texting others. Sometimes when we are together and he meets some of these work women he can just leave me and stop to talk to them for minutes (this happens even now). He always would tell me he could have done better and married a wife way younger than me. He told me that he has so much resentment that I became controlling (checking his phone and email) and that I disrespect him and tell me that he can continue talking to these other women because of what I did.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It sounds like he wants you to be the bad guy so he can have freedom to do what he likes. Please don't take abuse. You might consider telling him that you understand he is angry and that you regret your choice, but that you will not listen to insults.
Me 45 H 46 At bomb T 22 M 13 D14 S12
H fell in love 2/14 H moved out 11/14 H bought a house 8/15 Legal sep 9/15, final 12/15 - I filed No moves toward D
Thank you for the nformation. Will browse and read through all the documents. Thanks once again.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Thank you Stuck72. I talk to him but when I see that he starts insulting me I avoid the conversation or avoid him.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Hi LovelyP, welcome to our community. This may shock you, but I'll just tell you up front that you need to get away from your H. I am very serious! This man is threatening you! . He has been treating you very badly for a long, long time. He sounds as if he has serious issues. That doesn't justify your affair, but neither does he get to brutally punish you. Some women endure this punishing behavior for years, but you do not have to stay in this situation..........and it doesn't matter what you've done, you don't have to live under this type of threatening conditions!
When you choose to do the right thing, your H can forgive you and work with you to resolve the problems in the relationship...........or he can refuse to forgive you. If he refuses to forgive you, then you need to physically separate from him to give him plenty of space and time without you. But for your own safety and for the sake of your MR......you need to get away from him. Do you have children?
Has your H been guilty in past times of throwing insults at you? Does he have angry management issues? Has he ever been physically violent?
I have been on this board for ten years, and something I have observed is I've never seen a wife who had a wayward mindset come from a M similar to the description you have given about yours. Of course, we don't have much information yet......but I have a gut feeling you don't fit the typical wayward wife description. I think you have an abusive relationship, and perhaps you don't want to admit it.....or you are afraid, IDK. I have seen a few previous posters with the same type of M, and the women thought they had to accept the H's brutal treatment. (I just wish I could remember their board names).
I am going to give you the link to another very lovely lady, who you may identify with......and if not, that's okay. Her name is Vanilla and she has laid low recently, but her threads are inspiring.
Btw, the spouse who comes to the board is the one who is reaching out for help. Stay strong, and safe. I hope you will be careful to keep your browsing history clear, so that he doesn't discover your posts. ((Lovelyp))
Well, I hope I don't scare you away from the board. You were probably expecting a different type of response. And, you may get them from others. These are just my humble opinions. You may feel better if you contact the DB coaches and get their advice. You can tell them things you may not want to share online.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi LovelyP, welcome to our community. This may shock you, but I'll just tell you up front that you need to get away from your H. I am very serious! This man is threatening you! . He has been treating you very badly for a long, long time. He sounds as if he has serious issues. That doesn't justify your affair, but neither does he get to brutally punish you. Some women endure this punishing behavior for years, but you do not have to stay in this situation..........and it doesn't matter what you've done, you don't have to live under this type of threatening conditions!
When you choose to do the right thing, your H can forgive you and work with you to resolve the problems in the relationship...........or he can refuse to forgive you. If he refuses to forgive you, then you need to physically separate from him to give him plenty of space and time without you. But for your own safety and for the sake of your MR......you need to get away from him. Do you have children?
Has your H been guilty in past times of throwing insults at you? Does he have angry management issues? Has he ever been physically violent?
Thanks Sandi2 for the response. What you are saying makes so much sense and it is not shocking because it forced me to reflect. I have a child with him (10 year old D). For years he has always been threatening and always trying to make me feel like I am not good enough for him. He has never been physically violent but he gets so angry and says he needs a divorce. For the past 10 years he says I was controlling so he would just comply and had so much resentment and bitterness. Part of the reason was that in our first year (2008) of marriage he had contact with his Ex (girlfriend who left him for another man). After her man left her she started contacting him and I saw many phone records and emails to her. They even met but he ran from her because she wanted to have s*x with him which she didnt take lightly and called him a coward (Read this in their email exhanges and she had even deleted them and I saw them without his knowledge) and I got to know a few months after. I only saw the phone records after the emails and noticed they were still communicating even that day. I confronted him about it and he apologised. From that time I tried to forgive him but I lost trust. Thats when I started checking his emails, phone and other chats etc. I didnt react so well and thats when I changed. From that time i tried to initiate activites to do as a couple, always checked his phone and emails. He withdrew and had a lot of anger and built up so much resentment. In 2009 He became so close to a friend and brought them home and on weekends he would not have time for me. I complained to him and told him how I felt and he ignored. I was so lonely and started talking to a college friend(male). I told him about it and he was not bothered. One day I was chatiing with him and he asked to see the chats we were having but I had already closed the chat page (by then there was no chat history on yahoo). He then said he suspected we were not just friends and that I must retrieve the chats. He threatened a divorce and I told him to go ahead if he didnt trust me. I just apologised and told him if he wants a divorce its ok. He started telling me that I must know that his mother does not like me and I am controlling. Every relative of his and friends are always teling him that I do not respect him and his privacy. I decided to just see how things go but in 2010 he befriended an older woman (9 years older and she was going through a divorce) from work and he would invite him to our house. The woman was telling him intimate things about her relationship with another man. She was interested in him and would organise work trips with him and then try to be intimate. He would tell me. I complained about his friendship with this woman and he just said i am not interested in her. His idea was that he brought her home so she can talk to me and help in our marriage. This woman would always ask about me from him and always make excuses to contact him. He liked her company for some reason. I had to demand from him that he stops contacting her or I leave. He grudgingly complied but was bitter about that because he said I am controlling and dictating who gets to be his friend or not. he complained that he is loosing his freedom. I told him I didnt want a divorce but it seems he is not interested in the marriage. I told him if he doesnt make an effort to work on our marriage issues with me I would just leave because I cannot do it all alone. He stopped intitating s*x. We would only do only when I initiated. 2011 he got a work friend who told him he was scared of me and didnt want to upset me. The friend made him feel like he is controlled because he did not want to go out with him or have girlfriends and have fun. His comments affected him so much as the friend would talk about me to other work colleagues. He would become so angry because at work they were seeing him as a controlled husband who had no freedom to do what he wants. Some female colleguages would openly ask him out saying he deserves better. He turned them down but befriended some younger women at work. He got close to them and would spend hours chatting with them. He would spend hours chatting with these women and lied to me that he was in meetings and didnt chat with me. Found evidence he was contacting his Ex girfriend again. I started working on my weaknesses and reading books on marriage counselling. I changed a lot and would just tolerate. Thats was a big mistake because in 2015 he would start telling me that there are many women who are interested in him and that I must change so that he can start initiating s*x and stop his friendships with other women. He told me that he is refusing to be controlled so he wont listen to what i say. We became so distant and he would ignore my chats and calls. He would tell many people about us and would discuss personal things about me with his friends. I accidentally found out. I was overwhelmed and got into a major depression. I suffered memory losses, concentraton and withdrew from everyone. My work suffered and then during that time thats when I met that OM in late 2015. I confessed to him and he got more angry. Some days he is OK but sometimes he insults me and says so many things to me. When I am away from him it is the same. One thing though is before the A he would have days when he would be angry and even threten divorce. I do not know what to do. he says he hates to divorce but sometimes he just says the day I decided to cheat is when I ended the M.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
