Any Advice?

[gw5263]

Let me condense this a little, heres the current situation.
Wife is involved with OM over the phone. they have physicaly met once for 7 days, and upon her return she says she loves him and wants a life with him. Currently living in the same house in separate rooms. She is unwilling to give him up. Says she emotionally disconnected with me in October due to me ignoring her needs and making her feel unloved and unwanted. Says he just might be her soulmate. Now tells me that if she finds out i turned him in to the military in an attempt to end the A she will hate me forever. Im detaching, any other suggestions?

[joejoe1]

Do you like being threaten? Because thats what you W is doing to you. If she wants to be with him, then she has to except the consquences. He's in the military and having affair is punishable under UMCJ. If she will hate you after, how does she feel about now, because is show don't sound like she likes you. IMO you need to air it out. Tell his command and let them both deal with the consquences. Don't protect her relationship with OM.

Also to me it sounds like she is saying I dare you. You need say "Dare excepted". She's still married to you.

After you do it. Dont react to nothing she does and GAL hard.

[sandi2]

I am searching for ways to end the fog and the affair without too much damage. She has, since i originaly posted this , told me she wants to be with OM because he is her " Soulmate" and she has been in love with him since August 3rd. she has refused to end the affair to save our family. I'm having one of those days where i want to save us and get her back.

Do you truly want to end the fog and the affair? First of all, I seriously doubt you can end the fog or the affair without too much damage. Second of all, you will never end her fog or her affair by trying to show her how much you love her......and want her.......although she's scr@wing another another man. If you only knew how pathetic that makes a man look to a wayward wife, you would REALLY make a 180 degree in how you are approaching this betrayal by your W.

I can tell you what ends her fog. When harsh consequences hit her smack in the face. When she suffers some type of loss, due to her decisions to cheat and break up her family. That ends the fog.

You greatly affect her decisions in all of this, in how you respond to her adultery, betrayal, and disrespect. The way you have approached this situation so far.........is pushing her farther away, and it isn't phasing her fog.

Stop trying to convince her how much you love her and how much you want to save the M. She needs to be concerned.........and she won't be concerned with you letting her know how much you want her and the M. Don 't cater to her. Stand up for yourself and don't put up with her b.s. Don't let her ever see your fear!

You cannot make up for the emotional neglect while she's bringing another man into the M. It never works! The wayward wife will not turn around until she thinks her H is dumping her. Yes, I said dumps her. So far, she's been dumping you, right? She is not worried about you happily moving on with a life without her in it.

[Tread]

Damn...joe beat me to it. You need to sing like a bird to his command. And the fact that W threatened you is more of a reason to do so. What's she going to do to punish you? Continue to mess with OM? Threats like this is the fear of the LBS. Until we eventually realise that they are doing these things to us anyways. In our minds we feel that upsetting our WS will prevent them from changing their minds. But that never happens, because they are already convince that they aren't coming back. So go ahead and make that call. And let's see just how loyal she really is to OM. Considering that she is involved in an A proves that she isn't too loyal.

[marina7]

DB... go go dark you will see up your ass so quick.

Do you remember high school where we play games unfortunately you also gotta go down rabbit hole.. go to the gym.. get tattoos get into social media to meet new people trust me she will see the new you. Your W will be looking over your shoulder to see who texting you. Read my stitch my W just looked over my shoulder when dropping off kids. I been dark 5 weeks got new tattoo added, got into tinder profile been meeting new friends up for drinks, but remember always be honest with new friends let them know am here just to have fun no attachment trust me they will help you forget you W i didn't think it would but now am sexting new friend am smiling while W picks up kids because my new friend sends me sexting all the time. Unfortunately I will say this is like a free pass with no attachment if i was you take the free pass..

I hope this helps..

[KGuy]

If she wants to be with him, then she has to except the consquences. He's in the military and having affair is punishable under UMCJ. If she will hate you after, how does she feel about now, because is show don't sound like she likes you. IMO you need to air it out. Tell his command and let them both deal with the consquences. Don't protect her relationship with OM.

After you do it. Dont react to nothing she does and GAL hard.

For what its worth, i agree with this.

Further, I'd demand that since she is having the affair, she move out at the very least out of the marital bedroom. Then as joe suggests, just GAL and detach. you have to act as if you are moving on without her. From everything i've read on here, its when they actually get the feeling you've moved on that they turn around (if they do). At first it may be an act because you have to force yourself to do it, but eventually the "act" becomes less forced and you actually do move on.


Read all the links cadet posted especially Sandi's LBS threads. There is some good stuff in there that is very relevant to your situation. Also, if in doubt, listen to Sandi2's advice as she has been on the other side of this.

Good luck in this awful situation.

[Lovelyp]

I would suggest that you go dark and GAL. When you stop pursuing her and trying to make her stay with you she will have time to think through and will decide what she needs. You reporting her to the millitary wont help you or her.

[joejoe1]

He's not reporting her. He's reporting the OM. Going dark, while they are in the same house will be too hard. She made a threat, and to me she thinks he's weak. He has to start showing strength. He has a chance to have her live with the consquences. Most of us dont get a chance like this.

[gw5263]

So Sandi2< Should i just start detachment and 180 her? What should i do with the OM? Ignore that he is even alive? Kinda at a loss for what steps to take to fix this mess. I know ive made it worse, she told me this morning that all the stuff ive done since we originally separated has taken us working it out off the table. Now the stuff with turning him in has caused an issue where she threatens to " Hate me forever " for ruining his life because she says hes done nothing wrong, shes the one who did the damage to our family. Yesterday she showed my son gifts she bought him and told him not to tell me. What do I do? Where do i begin? I have a general idea, buit thats it. Ive been reading your posts and think that 180, detachment, and GAL is the way to go , but your absolutley right, it feels like the wrong thing to sit back and let the affair go on unimpeded. It does truley feel counter intuitive as you said. Im just lost right now.i think i have it under control and i really dont.

[marina7]

GW,
We know is hard to detach,GAL trust me but again you are now in a whole different world, my W just told me OW is not me OW can't never be me, our W will talk to us like we are there bf I know i know is freaking crazy, when I first got here I was a total mess I kept reading I even question it like 180.hmmmm detach like how am I going win W back by doing that but one day I realize let me try it and I am seeing oh wow, it's working. Read my stitch Sunday W came and drop S8 and D9 and was seeing my changes W talk I just listen and if W ask a question I reply with one word. It's hard trust me but I can see W is soft spoken now W is making eye contact,rubbed my hand I kept my cool. I know she cake eating but I stood my ground. As soon i walk in I gave kids big hug and kiss and walk away for 20min and cried because I still love my W and for the first time I haven't said ILY in 5 weeks or hug or anything.

Unfortunately we are in high school again, in earlier stitch I told you we now in there world we have to play the hard to get spouse, and play there game but we are one step ahead. My MLC/WAW/PTSD W was a monster I never thought I will ever see the person I knew 10yrs ago but Sunday I seen how she was trying to see everything I text.

Is crazy but this forum is what keeping us going you would have your days just never let her see you.

Example W didn't want me to get sleeve tatoos because W said she didn't like them and hated the fact it made me more attractive Guess what I did yelp I got my tattoo I wanted and I don't have to ask permission because am single now. So just tell yourself this is a free pass for you to do everything you wanted to do before you got married.

Again we are family here is a horrible pain it feels like life not worth it or why would this happen, am going tell you what my Therapist said this was going happen with you or weather she was married to someone else this was destiny you can't change God plan we just gotta go with the flow. So focus on you always first because our kids need us because at this moment we are the only thing they have in stability.

Take it a day at a time, is a process is ok to sometimes cry,scream on your time even punch go do boxing that's a great releaver for me. And eventually when you start seeing everything we been telling you is true then your tears become laughter am telling you I say am in a twilight zone and there's day feels like a circus but hey we can't change it we gotta keep going.