Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
You did good J. I wish you could've taken a pic of W when you responded about the phone bill and saying no to the smoke detector.

Yea ol' school pumpkins, pearl jam, and metallica - big thumbs up.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Hey all, yeah she just kind of looked at my for a split second kind of drum founded. M...its funny you call it old school, I grew up listening to them in college......listen to whatever gets you jacked up!! You would be proud of me, just got done making a breakfast casserole for church tomorrow morning. I signed up to bring food this week to bible study. Its not some habernero okra dish but it will do:).

Had good GAL activities today, went to a couple of local dallas breweries today with some friends. It was definatley cool to get out.

LH.....as my mentor I hope you bet the Bama game..if you did u hit good. Unfortunately I got my rear kicked by OSU,,,uggh!!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
Look at you guys and your 90s grunge, how adorable :-) J-9, you seem like you are doing great--a real DB champ! And the fact that you are feeling good about it and thus more confident, is awesome! I love reading this because it is an example for others to see that if you embrace the philosophy & the rules, you really can start to detach and feel better. You don't have to give up loving them and wanting them, but you can let them go, live your life, and implement boundaries. Why should you look at her smoke detector in her apartment? She left you! If she wants to be friendly and engage in conversation, that's great. You can be cordial and respectful, but still not be her friend or rescue her. That is the balance, and you appear to be striking it.

I just don't know how long to wait......GAL, detach, whatever....in the end we are all waiting or we would file for D ourselves.

That is what I get the most confused on because it seems like the LBS' that were successful ended up filing themselves.

Blu....what are your thoughts on this?
[b][/b]

When you say you don't know how long to wait, what does that mean? Because whether you are waiting or not waiting, the goals and the rules are the same, no? DB is ultimately for you and you only. Once you master it, over time you naturally become the better option. If she notices (which she will) and she still doesn't want to come back, you can still feel good about yourself and think "her loss!" Someone else will notice and love the new, improved you!

So you brought up a great point about the LBS that are successful ended up filing themselves. There are several posters here that got to a place of filing, dropping the rope, or making the clear statement that they were finally done, only to have their S do a 180. We have seen that with TxHub, Stormchaser, Lim, myself, and PsySara, etc. So yes, sometimes when we have a S that has BD'd us, there is a recipe that brings them back and that usually involves their other plans blowing up or backfiring, in combo with them realizing that the LBS has removed themself from plan B.

Here is another twist tho, and I am no expert, but this topic (of our S doing a 180 and coming back), is where I THINK (IMO) we see a big difference between Walkaways and Waywards. I think when our S is wayward AND leaves us for OP, and that relationship starts to become reality (which is usually a disaster), while at the same time they see the S is done, there can be a shock to the system. They realize they made a mistake and that the S is no longer plan B. That makes the AP person look even worse in their eyes and it can quickly become a downward spiral. This was certainly the case with my H and he did a 180 and came back very quickly, in a couple weeks.

When the W walks away, and not to pursue a OM, the psychology can be very different. She is not running in limerance to another, but she is fully checked out of the M and detached from her H. Often she feels she has done everything, been trying for so long, feels that it is hopeless and that things will never change. She gives up on the M and her H and she moves on. Now while there is not the same devastation and heartbreak for her H (that she has run off to OM), getting her to come back and see your changes might actually be more of a challenge. She has been on this journey for a long time, she feels her mind is made up, and there may even be some depression or MLC going on.

Sooooo, the short of that is, there really isn't a way to trick them into coming back. If you don't want a D yet, then don't file. I get the sense your W is a WAW and not a WW. That perhaps could take longer or be more challenging. Or not. We have so much less control than we think we do. But you are doing great! Keep it up with your tight shirts and grunge. Just keep 180 & GAL for YOU!

Ok, you guys, now feel free to disagree and hit me with your 2*4s :-))

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Blu, I really appreciate it!! I do feel really good, I do miss my W and family but I understand my W didn't feel the same way and I have accepted it. I don't understand why, I suppose I never will but I do know that it all doesn't have to do with me.

90's grunge are my jams! Great workout music!!

Quote:
When you say you don't know how long to wait, what does that mean?


I guess how long you generally wait for them to notice your changes? I suppose that there is not a finite answer and it is a personal descion but is there any general timeline that these sitch's follow? You are right either way I would be doing the same work. I know mine is very early on and I guess in reality I shouldn't even worry about it. I already feel as though I am her best option, (she never gave me a reason she wanted to leave in the first place) and I have got my confidence back so I guess that is why I feel impatient. I love my W don't get me wrong but I am battling the feelings of you don't deserve me, I am the best option vs waiting for an opportunity to put my family back together. Does that make sense???


I do believe my W is a WAW and in a MLC. I don't think there is a specific OM however I do believe she is out flirting, maybe has been on a date, talked to guys at bars etc. I know she is enjoying her apartment, alone time and not having our children full time.


Quote:
I get the sense your W is a WAW and not a WW. That perhaps could take longer or be more challenging.


I do think this is my W....any thoughts or strategies on how to handle?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
fwiw

my aunt and uncle divorced (she filed). They remarried 5 years later. The 2nd m lasted & was better. She's a widow in her 90's now.


My cousin also remarried his ex wife. It was 3-4 years after the divorce. I don't know who filed.

Interesting article written by a WH who married his OW.

He said while he ran off to marry OW (thereby proving that he was "right to leave"), he felt validated by his choice to leave, b/c his ex wife did not date for awhile.

He realized later that maybe she was busy raising their kids. Though He was "fine" with OW as his wife, he noticed they had their own issues.

He had the nagging thought that he could have stayed with his first wife and been happy if he had worked as hard in it as he was in the 2nd m. There were times he resented his 2nd wife b/c there was a distance between him and his kids even though his 2nd w made effort. IT was just the fall out.

And he realized his kids "loved" him but were not close to him like they were with their mom, and probably never would be. He felt they would have been closer if he had remained in the marriage & home.

But what really hit him hard was when his ex wife began dating. She was well treated by her boyfriend and he saw this.

The author said when he saw his ex wife well treated by another man and falling in love with that man, was the first time it truly dawned on him that he may have given up on the best thing that he ever had.


When his ex wife married her 2nd h, and seemed very happy, that

he wrote the article with the title:

"Don't Do What I Did"


He wrote that he broke up his family and deeply hurt them, b/c he was selfish and entitled. And stupid.

He lost what he could have had, and realized it too late.

Only when another man wanted what he had had, did he see its' real value.

It's childish but I think there is significant truth herein^^.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
PS
though the article has a really good feeling of KARMA,

what irked me was that the focus was on what the author had lost and what HE was suffering. That he had made a stupid choice.

There was mention of hurting his 1st wife and kids, but I felt it was more about how that cost him, as a result.

You have to wonder if he would have had regrets if his 1st wife had remained single all her life.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks 25, that is a great read. So morale of the story is I should stay the course????


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 36
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted By: BluWave

So you brought up a great point about the LBS that are successful ended up filing themselves. There are several posters here that got to a place of filing, dropping the rope, or making the clear statement that they were finally done, only to have their S do a 180. We have seen that with TxHub, Stormchaser, Lim, myself, and PsySara, etc. So yes, sometimes when we have a S that has BD'd us, there is a recipe that brings them back and that usually involves their other plans blowing up or backfiring, in combo with them realizing that the LBS has removed themself from plan B.
Blu


That's the key though, isn't it? (the statement in bold). It seems like it's not just the act of LBS's filing for D was what brought upon the WW to 180 and realize the error of their ways BUT THE TIMING of the filing. Had they filed earlier when their WWs were deep in "love with their soulmate APs" and didn't give a s--t about their LBSs, it's very likely those WWs would've been very happy to proceed with D without thinking twice about it. I think that's what my WW wants - for me to get tired of this BS and file - so that she's the "victim" in everyone's eyes instead of being a homewrecker. So the BIG question is how do you know when the timing is right and their plans with APs are blowing up in their face or backfiring (unless of course we're privy to the state of their R which I assume most of us are not)? Or do you just file on your own timeline and HOPE AND PRAY that the WWs would turn around?


Me47 W38 D11
M 12yrs
1st BD 3/16
2nd BD 12/16
Confirm PA 1/17 (going on for at least 1 yr, maybe longer)
Separated 2/17
D No talk
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 36
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted By: BluWave

Here is another twist tho, and I am no expert, but this topic (of our S doing a 180 and coming back), is where I THINK (IMO) we see a big difference between Walkaways and Waywards. I think when our S is wayward AND leaves us for OP, and that relationship starts to become reality (which is usually a disaster), while at the same time they see the S is done, there can be a shock to the system. They realize they made a mistake and that the S is no longer plan B. That makes the AP person look even worse in their eyes and it can quickly become a downward spiral. This was certainly the case with my H and he did a 180 and came back very quickly, in a couple weeks.


Why does it feel from many threads that WHs change their minds and want R SO MUCH FASTER than WWs -- weeks/few months versus many months/years??? Is it because WWs take longer to take the plunge to leave their husbands so it's harder for them to turn around? Is it their desire to "punish" their LBHs for their unhappiness in M? Is it the female desire to always be right and show the world they can make it work with OMs against all common sense and statistics?


Me47 W38 D11
M 12yrs
1st BD 3/16
2nd BD 12/16
Confirm PA 1/17 (going on for at least 1 yr, maybe longer)
Separated 2/17
D No talk
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Painful,

It's easier for WAH's because men, by their nature, are very territorial. They cannot stand the thought of another man laying claim to THEIR own wife. It's that simple.

You only have to look up Train's threads to see this shining through. Train DB'd impeccably!! She's truly a shining star.

Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard