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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2762111#Post2762111

Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Where the kids already with you? Has she ever done this before? Is it a pattern or 1 time event?

Yes, they had been with me since Friday after work. This is really not a pattern (yet) which is another reason why I agreed to change my plans.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9
So play this out. I always try to think like 2 or 3 steps ahead and look for potential outcomes. You say "sorry I need you home by 4, I got plans". She says "sorry not going to happen I am taking this client". What is your next move??

Man that's a hard question. If she responded that way I'm sure my impulse would be to get angry, which certainly wouldn't help things. But what IS the appropriate response? I could validate until the cows come home but if she still refuses to come home, then what?

Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Why are you blaming her for your inability to say no?

Exactly! So I will consider this progress.

Originally Posted By: Kaizen

Originally Posted By: Chris73
I think it's best to just let it go and decide to react differently next time.

Yeah. What would you even say? Actions are more important than words anyway.

Yes, I ran through the conversation in my mind and I could already envision it not going well for me. Best to drop it and move on.


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BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
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Quote:
Man that's a hard question. If she responded that way I'm sure my impulse would be to get angry, which certainly wouldn't help things. But what IS the appropriate response? I could validate until the cows come home but if she still refuses to come home, then what?


That's the hard part...If it's not a pattern, she hasn't done it before so there is no history of her disrespecting your time. However in the back of your mind your not wanting to be a push over NG. I battle those thoughts daily with my W and the only thing I can say is that you pick and choose your battles. IMO it is about balance. If she had the kids though and she wanted to dump them on you then the obvious answer is no I have plans, you figure it out. That would be a perfect opportunity to show you have a spine. My W did that to me early on this summer when she wanted a break and I told her "no, I have plans". She never asked me again.

I don't think getting angry would have been an appropriate response. IMO you handled it just fine, it is on your radar which is good, she doesn't have any prior's.

Was this a last minute request or did you have hours in advance to prepare? I think what I would be more concerned with is her lack of asking you if it was alright. She just made the choice and told you. It wasn't like you were part of the decision making process.

For example, I understand the need for you to work and make money, etc. however in the future I would appreciate you discussing this with me first vs just assuming I am available to extend my time watching the kids. I think I would have more of a problem with that then her actually taking the meeting. Does that make sense?


Married 14, Together 17
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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
So play this out. I always try to think like 2 or 3 steps ahead and look for potential outcomes. You say "sorry I need you home by 4, I got plans". She says "sorry not going to happen I am taking this client". What is your next move??

Man that's a hard question. If she responded that way I'm sure my impulse would be to get angry, which certainly wouldn't help things. But what IS the appropriate response? I could validate until the cows come home but if she still refuses to come home, then what?


"Im sorry I cant watch them tonight"

I dont understand why more than that is needed. Theres a plan and you agreed to it with her. Doing anything outside of that is her asking you for a favor which you dont HAVE to agree to.

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Thanks you guys. You're both right. It really was a favor she was asking me for. And I could have said no.

In my mind I'm placing a higher value on her working than my going out and having fun. If we were still together evaluating it in that way might have some merit. But like you said before, this is what real life is like after a marriage breaks up. We're just a couple more months away from ending this "nesting" arrangement. I think things will be easier once that happens.

Having a really hard time dealing with my anger today. Just got back from the gym and it's definitely reduced but I still feel like punching something...


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Quote:
Thanks you guys. You're both right. It really was a favor she was asking me for. And I could have said no.


I didn't get the sense she asked it felt like me she told you. Watch your kids don't watch them your choice. The biggest issue I have is that she did not involve you in the decision making progress.

She could have called you ahead of time when she found out about the potential work opportunity to involve you in the discussion.

"Hey Chris, this is W. I have an opportunity to work tonight and was wondering if you could watch the kids longer than normal" I wanted to check with you first before I booked it to see if you were free".

That shows respect for your time and gives you an opportunity to say "yes or no, I have plans". If she wants the job bad enough she will make other arrangements for child care.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
That shows respect for your time and gives you an opportunity to say "yes or no, I have plans". If she wants the job bad enough she will make other arrangements for child care.

But it isnt her job to involve Chris in the decision making. That time is passed.

It IS her job to arrange childcare for when she is not available during her scheduled time. So if Chris cant do it, it should be on her to find alternative care. I believe what she needs to know is that you arent always going to be there when she is in need. Backing out of your GAL plans to help her out is a choice you can make - but it sets you up to be the on-call babysitter.

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Chris73 Offline OP
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Hi Joseph. I went back to my original post and re-read what I wrote and you're right. I made it sound like she didn't give me a choice. But she did. She called me to ask before she made the plans to work, and I agreed.

I think the whole reason why I posted the encounter here is that initially, I was feeling like she took advantage of the situation knowing I wouldn't say no. But then realized that I was just mad at myself for being a doormat and being afraid to make other people mad at me.

I guess in my defense I always go back to those moments when she would rage at me and threaten all kinds of legal action and pressure. Since then we've settled into an amicable solution for the divorce and she's told me that she said those things in anger. But I'm still scared to rock the boat while everything is still in limbo.


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BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
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Quote:
But it isnt her job to involve Chris in the decision making. That time is passed.


I agree but he can't control her picking up the phone and asking. All I am saying is that if she does ask he has the opportunity to say "yes or no". In his original post it didn't sound like she asked him. It sounded more like she told him.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
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Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
In his original post it didn't sound like she asked him. It sounded more like she told him.

Which just goes to show you that I'm still struggling with anger and detachment. I wrote the initial post and (perhaps subconsciously) made her out to be the bad guy, which in this situation she really wasn't.


M46 W48
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S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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I wouldn't over analyze it. You helped out, you got more time with your kids, and you now have some co-parenting currency and goodwill to cash in in the future when (not if) you need help from her.

Also good, though, to run these things not through the old Mr. Nice Guy prism, but simply through Chris' ass-kicking prism, asking if this is something you want to do, for you and for the life (it will include her, at least until the kids are 100% self-sufficient). If in the future you don't want to give up a jam session, because maybe the request seems entitled, or because you just really need the GAL time, don't, without guilt.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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