Westo - I hope you and your family are doing well. I've been thinking about you lately and worried about you.
As I was doing my yard-work I became motivated to tell you a story. It is, as far as I know the facts myself a true story and is one that I've not told here before. Mark Twain once said "History doesn't repeat but it often rhymes". Many of us here see our own stories play out in the stories of others. Your's doesn't seem to quite as much.
For anyone else reading, feel free to - but I'm writing this for Westo.
This isn't a "cup of tea" story but is more a "glass of wine" story and also, not every story has an obvious hero nor villain but in this case I think we can agree on the villain. It may also be a bit tough for you to read. It's a bit tough for me to write even though I have a distance of time on it. If it upsets you, please accept my apologies. As usual I've tried to put some humour into the story though so you should get the occasional smile.
My father - JohnT was born into what I would think of as modest circumstances, what most people would think of as poor. I've occasionally been accused of cleverness and yes for a short while I did attend one of the world's premier universities where I studied Mathematics (and blondes). Despite only having an elementary school education my father was very likely one of the smartest men that I have ever known and this is not just the pride of a son speaking. So what happened had nothing to do with him not being smart.
If my father had one fatal fault it was his faith and trust in mankind. Next was a desire to provide a better life for his family but very poor money management skills. He met my mother when he was in his mid 20s and she was 16. Their first child, my oldest sister was born - ahem - premature shortly after they married. I encountered people in later years who knew my father at that time and they tell me how they were all astounded that "Big John" had a girlfriend. While personable, he was a very shy man. Several children of which I was the youngest came along in quick succession. I would joke that my mother was a good Catholic girl with a poor sense of rhythm
We were a good family and I was raised in a home filled with love and solid morals. Some of my key traits of Pride, Duty and Loyalty I owe in no small part to my parents and extended family. We didn't have much in the way of material things but we never went hungry. Clothes were well patched and my parents did all they could to support us in our various endeavours. Money was always tight and after quite a number of years of struggling my father made a choice in mid-life - around his 40s - to change careers from farmer to real estate agent. He did well in his new career soon becoming a broker with two offices of his own and a staff of several agents working for him. In addition to the main business, he also purchased rental properties. Because of some poor decisions which could mainly be put down to trusting people who were untrustworthy, it all unravelled to the point where he tapped out both my oldest brother and myself for loans to help keep things going. He also got back in to the buying / selling of things to try to make a sliver of profit that had caused him so many problems pre-real-estate career. Around this time as well he had another heart-attack. A big one. Quadruple bypass and he was actually dead on the table for a while.
When he came back home to recover his personality was dramatically different. I understand that this can happen with people who have had a bypass. He was full of energy but also seemed to be more unstable. His real-estate business died completely and he started working as a driver for a "group-home" where a former business associate of his was acting as a foster-mother to developmentally handicapped youths. After a while "because it was convenient" he moved in to the group home himself. He was spending lots of time there anyway acting as handy-man as well as driver. My mother I am sure felt that he was having an affair as did my siblings. I - well I was oblivious. I remember on one of the rare times I visited him there he was determined to show me where he slept to prove that he wasn't cheating.
Over time his behaviour got more and more erratic and he started having black-out episodes while driving. I was called to the local hospital to reason with him after one of his more erratic episodes and mentioned the black-outs. His driver's license was pulled and I was blamed. The woman he was living with made numerous efforts to farm him out to myself and my siblings as being a risk to the people at the group home but made sure to keep control of him. He also went to see a specialist at a regional neurological centre where he was diagnosed with something called Pick's disease. A degenerative disease that affects areas of the brain. I found out while driving him to one of his appointments that the woman he was with was also feeding him the medications that she had for the children in her care and that she had been for some time, even before he became erratic.
While this was going on, my Mother fell apart in a way that I can only really understand now. I angered her by stopping her from destroying all of my father's records which by law he was required to keep. They lived in my infamous front porch for many years until they aged out and my brothers and I destroyed them. My mother had been the "glue" that held the family together as many mothers are. She was the central hub that we all revolved around and I was devoted to her. You can imagine my reaction when she started cutting all of us children out of her life and started spending time with what she called her "new family" - some old friends who were very kind and supportive to her.
Meanwhile my father's condition deteriorated and he was committed at the request of the woman he was with to a nursing home. She had tried to get one of us kids to take him in but we all refused. Perhaps we were being bitter because my father had been distant from us all for quite some time and had also taken financial advantage of us on top of that. I can't really say but I do still have guilt over that. Because of my father's trust in her, he had granted her Power of Attorney over both his financial and health affairs. None of us trusted her but we did nothing about it.
After my father was institutionalized, my mother contracted colon cancer and died a short while later. My wife pushed me to visit her on her death-bed and reconcile but I refused. Cold of me perhaps. I said that if she had wanted me to be in her life that she had lots of chances and that I wasn't going to "play nice" on her death-bed to soften anyone's guilt. My wife mentioned this when she was leaving as something that she was scared of happening to her - that I would one day just cut her out of my life. I'm not going to explore that here - it's complex and not relevant to this story.
My siblings and I all went as a group to visit my father and give him the news that his wife had passed. It was a sad and somewhat disturbing time especially since his "woman" made a point of being there and also (to me) that my siblings turned the event into a photo-op. I still remember his cold blue eyes looking at me when his woman reminded him of who I was. I don't think I was ever forgiven for him losing his driving license.
Some more time passes and my father dies when a bought of pneumonia goes through the nursing home. At the wishes of the woman he was with he was creamated however only a portion of the ashes were delivered to the family. At this time as well she starts insisting to the family that they were in fact common-law spouses and that she should be entitled to any property he may have. Fortunately my oldest brother who when my father started being erratic took on the role of "head of the family" had everything under control. It was obvious that what the woman was after was our grandmother's estate which consisted of the the ancestral family farm. My brother had already suggested to her that she change her will to cut my father out of the estate. Prior to my grandmother passing she told me that she had sold the farm to one of my cousins for a nominal amount, keeping the land in the family. I'm not sure about the Welsh - but us Scots are very attached to our land. I reassured my grandmother that it was an excellent decision and that I was confident that my cousin who was already farming the land would continue to do a good job.
So - the moral of the story if you managed to follow along for this. Is there anything that we could have / should have done to extract my father from the grips of a controlling woman? I really don't know the answer to that. And if we had tried, given that since he was my father we had only limited influence over him and he was also a very prideful man, would anything we could have done made any difference? I really don't know.
Anyway - I hope this story is helpful to you. Always remember - you are not alone. The struggles you face have been faced by other women in other lands in other times. You can be very proud of how you have conducted yourself. Where my mother gave up, you have stood firm and kept your Light Shining.
((((Westo))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Westo, I would think about changing up the dynamic in your situation with your H a little....here's what I see:
H - lumbering along with OW - not too happy in the R, but not ending it (just yet) either. Covertly in touch with you - presumably that isn't being shared with OW?
You - Wanting to keep in touch with him whilst he has an OW. Prodding and poking him - have you ended it with her yet? When will you?
Let me ask this - if the big argument happened on Tuesday and he contacted you to say - we've ended it - would you want him back on those terms? I don't think things would be on a secure footing if that were the case at all.
I agree with the poster who said - let that one die a natural death. In my situation, XH and OW were off and on at least half a dozen times in the earlyish days. So, each of those 'endings' didn't mean an absolute end of that R, which is still continuing as far as I'm aware.
So, my advice would be to let him wallow in his own mud hole. Deal with the question of - why do I seem to want this man (who is currently someone else's girlfriend) quite so much? Step back, leave him be. Get your focus to where it needs to be - you! And honestly, I think 'potentially unavailable' you will be more intriguing than 'prodding and asking' you.
I hope none of this sounds harsh, but truly whether he leaves her or not needs to become firmly secondary in all our situations - and our own progress and growth needs to be foremost. So, I'd love to see you post about your own goals and aspirations in coming months - regardless of what he may do.
Take care and hope you have a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Checking in Westo. You've certainly had a lot going on! I'm sorry - I know you're tired. Radiotherapy is very exhausting. Right now you need as little stress as possible and much rest.
I agree with Sotto's post about H and OW. What bothers me most about reading all of this is that you're now in the position of being the OW in H's relationship with the OW. You see what I mean there? That's not who you want to be or are. He has to extricate himself in his own way and hopefully step back and figure out what led him to that before he comes back to you in any truly meaningful way. This is only my opinion, and that and $5 will buy you a coffee at the local Starbucks.
I know what you're saying about keeping in touch with H, and if your instincts say text, then text, but I wouldn't push. Focus on yourself right now, your health and well being. {{{{{{{xoxoxoxoxoxo}}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks for popping by Andrew and for your interesting if sad story.
Thank you for taking the time to write it. I don't think there was anything you could have done to extricate your dad from that woman. She really knew what she was doing.
I'm glad she didn't inherit the farm and yes the Welsh are the same about their land, especially the farmers. Selling the farm to a relative for a nominal amount happens here too!
Hi Sotto and Bttrfly,
I absolutely agree with every word you have written. I had already decided there will be no more prodding from me. I'm not comfortable with him waiting for the next argument either. I would prefer him to sit her down and calmly tell her it's over, because that's what I would do. But he's not me. And yes I do look at him and wonder if I really do want him back........
I wouldn't really call myself the OW though, we don't contact that often. It's just a few polite texts and the occasional call where he just gets a cup of tea, nothing else. Oh and having to listen to him going on and on about how many hours he works, blah blah blah. That's all he talks about.
I prodded because I couldn't understand the delay after our talk and him telling me the R had not developed into anything (for him anyway).
I learned that the delay was because of the suicidal threats, she had had to sell her house. They are living upstairs in her disabled mothers house. The man who he used to walk to the local pub with on pool night and was fond of died of a heart attack and H attended his funeral on Tuesday.
H is either working or sleeping as they are so short staffed and they argue because of all the hours he's working. At the same time he pays all our bills.
What a mess. But it's only him that can get himself out of it. He's hardly living the dream. So yes, no more prodding from me.
Ahhh Westo, I love the title of your thread! That's one of my favourite songs.
I hope your H sorts himself out soon. He is obviously not happy in this 'relationship' with OW and I agree that waiting for the next row is not the way to leave her. He needs to do it because he wants to be with you and not because he doesn't want to be with her, if that makes sense.
(((Westo)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
So, I've stepped well back and waited for H to contact me, which he did last Thursday apologising for not calling the previous Friday but he had slept late and had more or less gone straight back to work.
He hoped my treatment was going ok and that I'm coping well. He said he would call soon but didn't know what day and would text me before he did. It spooked me a little as it sounded so vague and similar to the ones I received after he left, only to not see him for a year.
I left it over 24 hours before I answered that it was going well but glad it was Friday as I had the next session today. I always answer straight away but thought while I don't answer he will wonder why, which means, for a change I would be on HIS mind.
He hasn't replied, however, I had a message on Friday from my stepson's wife asking if she could call on Saturday with the baby. It transpires she knows all about OW. H phoned my SS the same day he messaged me. He told him he was looking to stay in our local village as he's had enough of OW, is working all hours as he can't stand to be near her.
SS called later with a take away, he's close to H and I hadn't seen him since our split. I was surprised he called. He confirmed what H had said and said "it's about time dad got his effing head together". He thinks H used OW for a roof and a shoulder to cry on and now feels trapped, but sounded relieved on the phone, calm and measured with his decision to leave.
She is moving to a new house in the next couple of weeks but he won't be moving with her (very much doubt he's told her that). SS has a couple of empty houses which he offered to H but H told him he will stay with his parents to be closer to me.
So DIL was asking all the time if I'd seen photos of OW she wanted to show me as she was surprised how low H had gone. She had found her on FB. So I said go on then, show me.
Well, I'm sure we've all read that most MLCers affair down......believe it! We have a show on tv here called Jeremy Kyle, the British version Jerry Springer. Yup, she would fit in just fine there! Let's just say, after seeing he pics he is not coming anywhere near me unless he's been checked by a doctor!
When they say you are the flower the OW is the weed....believe it! The advice here is spot on, be the wife he would be mad to leave. Yes she's younger......but my God she's butt ugly!
D has checked her profile and she feels much better after seeing it. There are no photos of her and H and no relationship status, so when he said the relationship is not what I think it is.....now D believes it.
So, now I have a heads up as to what is going on right now, I'm so glad I've taken the advice of Job, Coly, Andrew, Sotto, Bttrfly and roist of stepping well back and leave it die a natural death.
Imagine if I kept texting 'any news on when you are leaving?' I will always know that he left her when he was ready to without interference from me.
I think what happened when he left me, months of detachment from me, our marriage, home etc is now happening in reverse and since we've been in contact since May he's been detaching from her.
Whatever happens with us and there is no guarantee it will end happily ever after, I wanted to document on here what works and what doesn't for others going through the same thing and encourage them to please listen to the advice of the others.
Thank you for posting this at a time that I am struggling with no contact. I know there are no guarantees but at least I can see how it might help the MLCer to have time to try out the life they believe they want without interference from us.
I'm so happy your H has spoken to your SS about his plans. That makes it all the more real as he is voicing it to others. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he continues on this path.
Interesting about OW. You always knew she wasn't a patch on you and I think he noticed your physical changes and must have wondered what the he!! he was doing with her!
Big cwtch to you Westo and I hope you'd treatment is going well also... X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
You are sounding good Westo. I'm glad to "hear" it. Just remember to take care of yourself first and best of luck with the upcoming procedures.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Small update, A week last Saturday night there was a quiet knock on my back door. It was H. He had called in his parents on his way to work to pick up his mail and our son's had been mistakenly been sent there (his Christian name is the same as H middle name). He had mistakenly opened it.......it was about S pension. He's only 26 so don't understand the urgency. Anyway, he only stayed for 20 mins. I didn't really give him the chance to talk as I went on about my treatment. I couldn't have looked worse...no make up, in pjs and was totally knackered. However, on leaving he gave me a long, lovely cwtch. I got the feeling he needed it as much as me.
Since last week his mail has been delivered here, so I texted him saying this. I was interested in his reply. He answered 'OK, I'll call to pick it up'.
When he did he just said that the redirection must have run out and he's lost track of time.
Our grand daughter (SS child) is being Christened in two weeks. We've all been invited. He says he can't attend as he's doing an annual thing that weekend. He's the H&S officer for a stage at the Wales Rally GB.
The old me would have told him he will have to attend........
Also, DIL messaged me to say that my MIL told her H called for his mail (last week) and said she wouldn't be surprised if he moves back with me.
Random......
H doesn't do things by accident. I find it hard to believe he forgot to renew the redirection.
Westo - I'd forgotten that you were still being treated. That can be totally draining.
I know you've said this before yourself. He needs to win you back. You're not the consolation prize. You both need to be sure that he's not going off to play with the fairies again. I presume you have a plan of sorts about that? You might also want to read up on some of what Sandi2 has written here about when the "waywards" want to come back home. It's a process and not an event.
I've read so very many stories and written one too where the ending isn't the happy one that we started out looking for so am perhaps rather cynical so take my comments in that light please.
You've done fabulous though and have a lot to be proud of.
No expectations though and no mind-reading. I still haven't gotten that darned turban fixed since the cats did something embarrassing in it
cwtch for you ((Westo))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Westo, glad to see an update from you and it sounds as though you are doing well.
I can recall reading here about 'waiting without waiting.' When you talk about your H, and a possible reconciliation I sense that you see it is just a matter of time.
What I want to say is that it 'may' happen and of course it may not. I think it is better to live your life as though it may not - and short of dating or ending your marriage - live life as though he is never coming back.
He may come back of course, but better to have moved solidly forward and be pleasantly surprised, than to have put things on hold and be disappointed...
Put nothing on hold for an errant spouse, would be my advice...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I get what you're saying, but it's hard to live as if he's never coming back when I've always felt in my heart he will.
He pays all the bills. I don't believe a true WAS would. My first husband was, he never paid another bill and didn't care that D and me became homeless when the house was repossessed.
The bills being paid has always been the most important thing to me (apart from the kids) H is secondary to that.
Sotto provided you w/good, solid advice. However, I do understand where you are coming from and he may return...but it may not be for a while, if ever. Some continue to do things for the LBS out of guilt for what they've done and others do it to keep the door open in case things don't work out in that cold, cruel world.
All I ask of you is this...take care of you, your health and your children. But most importantly...keep the focus on you for now. You are the most important person in your childrens' lives at the moment. Your h...well...he's still circling the moon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think yours is coming back. I think Sotto is just trying to remind you that because it isn't a certainty and no one wants to see you waiting in the front window for him to show up with suitcase in hand, that you need to focus on you and your life until that day arrives.
I wish there were surveys and statistics about this stuff. Something that we could cling to. But, at the end of the day, all we can cling to is our own beliefs and our own desires. I do think it is odd when they continue to pay the bills. As you know, mine does that as well. Yes, he messes with the money from time to time, but I know that has more to do with his control efforts and misguided efforts to force me to contact him. I don't believe for a moment that he will stop supporting us (although I continue to take steps in the event he does).
It is also odd when they don't file for divorce. I spend an hour every week in my IC appointments on this topic. I hope that I will soon see how pointless that effort is. I can't read minds and I legitimately believe that mine doesn't know from one day to the next what he wants. What I do know is that I have done everything to make it possible for him to file and have let him know it is what I want and he still won't do it.
Have that hope in your heart that it will turn out that way, but like the Stockdale Paradox tells us, don't have in your mind any specific time frame it will happen, otherwise you will go mad.
Thanks, I needed those words right now I understand that people here are sceptical as they are only reading our version of our marriages and perception of what is happening.
And at the end of the day, we don't know each other and are just reading words on a forum. Believe me, the people who know me can't get over my empathy and compassion for H. But then, I was the one who watched him crumble over two years before my very eyes. Not them.
I've always said if the old H had done this to me I would never have forgiven him. But I believe he had some kind of mental breakdown and as its been said before, we Brits have a stiff upper lip. The term keep calm and carry on is a kind of mantra to us.
We don't have a culture of counselling here and frankly after reading some of the advice given to some of the members actually encouraging D I'm glad we don't. Having said that though, I believe I have been counselled to an extent here, for free.
I made vows and they didn't stipulate that in sickness and in health meant only the physical kind. In the Lighthouse Story or maybe it was Jack that mentions they will feel like a monster and be very fragile.
I know he feels terrible for what he's done. Last year on my birthday he dropped off my coat and boots in the middle of the night in the garage with a birthday card. Totally impersonal 'celebrate & enjoy' with a cocktail on the front. Inside he scrawled from H. That card screamed resentment to me, it went straight in the bin.
Fast forward to this year 'to my special wife' inside was printed with all my love. This time H wrote (nicely) 'from H' x
Hi Westo, I hope my suggestions didn't cause any offence - certainly none was intended and I appreciate the difficulties of the situation we are all in. I hope I'm a realist rather than a sceptic and I'm certainly not pro divorce. I stood up for our marriage when it was in crisis and I did so until it ended. My XH was the one who filed for D and he did every step towards us divorcing, knowing it wasn't my choice. There is much peace for me in knowing all of this and I have no regrets - also I very much respect the choice of others to stand.
But also, we are working with the reality that our spouse is someone else's boyfriend at this point and he may choose to remain that way or he may choose to turn back to the marriage. I only want to highlight that there are no guarantees and whilst we may choose to stand, it is important to be able to deal with the possible reality of either scenario. That's the best place to get to I think - to hope for the best and be fully prepped for the worst too...
I hope that clarifies what I was trying to say - and I certainly don't feel any situation is hopeless. But focusing on ourselves and letting our spouse drift in the wind is certainly the way to go - that is - let go or be dragged..
Hopefully this is of some help anyway and I do hope things will unfold positively for you..
Take care and have a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No, you didn't offend me. I totally understand and thanks for wishing me a nice weekend.
Yours and Jobs words sat with me though,so much so that I drunk texted H last night asking if he was stringing me along about leaving.
He answered no, it was still his intention. I answered that I didn't know what to say to that.
He replied that he knows it's taking longer than he thought but it will happen soon, didn't want to discuss it then as he was in work and needed to concentrate as his 'head was in the shed'.
I asked what his idea of soon is and he replied 2 weeks. I didn't respond and ten minutes later he texted asking if I'd gone to bed. I answered no I was still up. The week after next he's going away for a week organising a motoring event, he does every year. I said......I take it you aren't going back after the event and he replied that that was his plan.
So, will just have to wait and see. I know it's classed as pursuing, but I don't regret asking. I think I'm perfectly entitled to. After all, it's been three months since we discussed reconciliation.
Last edited by job; 10/15/1702:47 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Hi Westo, I hope you're not too hungover this morning and I'm going to offer a little 2x4, but I'm making it a gentle, fluffy one okay?
Firstly, I don't think pursuing is ever a good idea - even if you haven't done it for 3 months. There isn't a little caveat that says - go for it if you haven't asked since July..please don't keep doing the same thing (ie: what doesn't work) and expecting positive results. Of course if he arrives with a suitcase a week on Saturday, I'll eat my words and wish you guys well
Secondly, believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do. So, I would have absolutely no expectations that he will do what he has said. Don't even contact him after 2 weeks to find out where he's at. Truly, I think if he is ready to come home, the request will come from him.
Thirdly, I hope you'll start following advice and 'doing what works' rather than posting - I did this, but...I feel entitled, I know my H.. At times like these it is best to 'trust the process' because we are so emotional ourselves, it is hard to do the right thing. And I see you driven by emotion in your contacts with your H. If we take emotion out of the picture here - what do you think is going to be more attractive to him? You drunk texting him and asking when he's coming home or you out dancing with friends and not giving him a moment's thought? What would be more attractive to you?
I hope this is fluffy enough Westo and I am digging deep for patience. I hope you'll do the same and step back (leave him be) drop the rope, re-read DB or DR or both. Re-read the 37 rules and shift the focus back on to you. Truly, if you emerge from this process stronger, wiser and gentler, you can't lose - whether or not your H is lucky enough to reconcile with you.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I won't contact him again, but I wanted to make it clear to you and whoever is reading, arriving with a suitcase is not going to happen, not for a long time and only after much more contact and when I feel ready and he's earned my trust again.
He will stay with his parents and he said last night he is going to see them Wednesday to ask them.
Sotto has given you "golden" advice. We understand how you feel and know that you aren't going to open the door and say come in and stay w/o the much needed work on his part to earn your trust and respect back. Hopefully, he will stay w/his parents and start to work on himself and figure things out.
Pushing for a date is adding pressure to an already self made pressure cooker in his head. Leave him be. Allow him to come to you and if you decide to drink, put that phone somewhere out of reach. Pursuing him will not bring him closer to you. I know you are anxious to have him come back...but he still needs time to do the necessary work on himself and you both need time to reconnect on a friendship basis because you both have changed during this crisis. It's one step forward, two steps back. Dig deeper for patience and understand that if and when he returns home, things will not go back to normal for about 12-24 months, depending up how you both deal w/what transpired during the crisis.
Yes, actions do speak louder than words. Keep the focus on you, your health and your children.
Last edited by job; 10/15/1702:46 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with everything you say. I drInk every night so actually I've done very well not to make too much contact, it's just that wondering if he was stringing me along played on my mind all day.
I've treated this time as a kind of holiday, knowing I don't answer to anyone anymore. Yes I'm an alcoholic, I love my red wine and I'm not anxious for him to come home to me, because I know this 'holiday' has to come to an end.
But I am anxious he leaves OW. I didn't use that term with him last light, never do. Only about leaving (insert name of town). But we both know what is meant.
Please can I remind everyone that I went NC from August 2016 but for four emails.
Two in November one hoping he was ok, the other thanking him for money he deposited into my account to pay for Christmas.
One in February hoping he was still ok and in May wishing him a happy birthday.
He made contact with me on hearing of my cancer diagnosis. My upmost concern is for my health, kids, Grand kids and that the bills are paid.
I have discovered me. When we had our R talk he told me there was so much going on in his head, mainly what he had done to me.
You should have seen his face when I replied that I wouldn't change a thing.
'"you've been given the gift of time,use it well". (Cadet)
"I've treated this time as a kind of holiday, knowing I don't answer to anyone anymore. Yes I'm an alcoholic, I love my red wine and I'm not anxious for him to come home to me, because I know this 'holiday' has to come to an end."
So, he was concerned about your use of alcohol Westo?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
He was never concerned about my smoking either. I gave up almost 20 years ago and unfortunately took to drinking wine to stop thinking about the cigarettes.
He is an enabler and when I gave up working thought he would insist on me cutting down, bu no.... he would rather buy the wine than face a confrontation with me.
Oh believe me I know what he is and from an outsiders view he looks awful but.....he's not. He's just a bloody coward at the end of the day.
He's funny, popular and very well liked. To everyone we know it was a case of 'poor H' because he's the likeable one where I'm the honest gobby one.
He likes to be liked, where as I don't give a d@mn whether I am or not. He's a good man though but.....he will never be on that pedestal that he was on before BD.
I'm on there now.
Last edited by job; 10/15/1705:17 AM. Reason: edited a word
"He is an enabler and when I gave up working thought he would insist on me cutting down, bu no.... he would rather buy the wine than face a confrontation with me.
Oh believe me I know what he is and from an outsiders view he looks awful but.....he's not. He's just a bloody coward at the end of the day."
Honestly Westo, I wasn't thinking he looked awful when I read this. I was thinking that it can't have been easy living with someone who has been abusing alcohol for many years. It sounds as though you realise he was concerned, but you also knew he found it difficult to confront you about your drinking?
So, are you seeking support for this Westo?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No....honestly, I'm not difficult to live with. It had benefits for him too.
But It became that in the last few months before he left as I knew there was something very wrong and one night I lost it and hurt his feelings so much that he went for a walk for hours.
I was too scared to look for him as I really thought I would find him hanging from a tree. My alcohol has nothing to do with him leaving.
It has everything to do with him. I take 50% for our marriage taking this turn but not for the affair.
That's all his. I actually stopped for a good six weeks last year ( it's all in the mind and I believe a life choice) but when I heard he asked to take OW to one of my SS wedding, just gave me the excuse to start again.
I think it's the main reason I want this limbo to come to an end.....so I can and have to focus on something else?
I'm bowing out for now. If there is one thing I've learned from this process, is....if anything brings me down, I'm walking away.
I am not going there. So, if you don't hear from me again, then R didn't take place.
If I post again it will be because it did and I want to update everyone who has hope in this situation.
Alcohol had absolutely nothing to do with our break up. H has never mentioned it. It's only ever mattered to me, and I only mentioned it to be honest with you guys.
It has never been an issue between H and me. And now that I've mentioned I like a drink in the evening, seeing as I'm on my bloody own, has kind of changed my sitch to something else. I didn't come here for AA therapy.
Never mind....I wish you all the best, I really do. xx
No one is playing an AA sponsor. Being honest w/us is the only way that we can truly help you and others on the Forum.
The questions that Sotto posted were questions that I would have asked in order to have a better understanding of you and your situation in order to better support you during this time. Red flags went up w/me when you posted that you drank after thinking about our responses to you: "Yours and Jobs words sat with me though,so much so that I drunk texted H last night asking if he was stringing me along about leaving." I don't recall that either of us said he wasn't definitely coming back. None of us can predict that...but we live in reality and there is always the 50/50 chance that he may return...but again, we don't have a crystal ball and we have to allow his crisis to play out completely and pursuing and putting pressure on him for his return date won't bring it any closer to reality. We provided the same advice to you as we do to everyone who posts. If he returns, I'll be happy for you and for others who are in the same situation...but we honestly do not know what he is thinking and lip service is just that....lip service. Until his words match up w/his actions, then you have to just leave him be and figure things out.
Stating that our comments led to some serious thinking was good, but then allowing those comments to play over and over in your head to the point of drinking until you were drunk texting concerns me.
For now, Westo, you need to take care of yourself, your health and your children. Leave your h in the oven to bake. You do not want him returning home not fully baked as his crisis will be far worse the next time around. You want this man to come home healed and mature and really and truly wants to be there and not because you are asking him to come home. He needs to be ready, willing and able to leave the crisis and that ow behind him 100% and put all of his focus on his family and a new marriage.
If you decide to leave the Forum, then I wish you well and continue to heal. However, I hope that you will continue to post.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Westo, I hope you won't decide to leave the forum, but if you do, I wish you all the best. Keeping up with your story has helped me a great deal the last few months. Ownit advised me to read up on your story. She seems to think our situations are somewhat similar.
I agree with the others ^^^ - that I don't think anyone is attempting to be your AA sponsor, etc. I think the red flag for me was you actually stating that you consider yourself an alcoholic.
I love a good glass of wine, so I'm with you there, but I think if I actually considered myself an alcoholic, I'd be worried. That's all.
(((((( Westo ))))))) I hope you stay around.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Thank you for posting. I've always known I'm an alcoholic, I just wanted to put it on here. I'm NOT dependant on it, I choose to drink red wine as I enjoy the taste and it actually makes me thinks about my sitch. The same as my walks do.
If my story helps you then I will stay...
I post mainly as a kind of diary, so if my marriage is restored then others can read what went wrong and what didn't.
The thought that someone is reading this, like you, helps me.
What are you doing to get you doing to get you through this?
You self-proclaimed yourself an alcoholic and it is influencing your actions. A friend, whether IRL or virtual might just touch upon the subject. Sotto did ever so lightly. Mentioned nothing about it impacting your M/R. I don't want to speak for her, but I am pretty positive her asking you about the drinking has everything to do with YOU and nothing with your H.
I am a silent follower. I know I like my glass of wine a night. I know I get drunk once in a blue moon with friends. I find no harm in enjoying the drink. You have been through the ringer.
But as soon as you broke out the defensiveness, then attacked, then want to leave anyone behind that mentions the drink, that was a huge alarm. Growing up with a mother for an addict and others around me this is the exact scenario that would always play out.
Yeah, I didn't save our M's. My ex went on to marry his OW he began dating when I was pregnant with our first and only child. They have been married 6 years. Guess I shouldn't be handing out marriage advice.
But people with substance abuse problems, I know all too much about that.
I open my mouth and speak directly because maybe one day you will remember what I said and it will help you. I don't think that day is now, right now you probably see me as some random online poster who has a failed marriage and has no idea what I am talking about and are probably saying this B!tch is totally out of line.
But maybe one day, it might help in the slightest. I was willing to take the risk.
I do not want to offend you in any way because I do genuinely care about you and your family and want the best for all of you. If my postings offend you, I will be more than happy not to post on your threads again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Westo, I asked the question out of love, not judgment. Your posting identified that you have a disease for which you are not seeking treatment. Had you indicated that you were not seeking treatment for the breast cancer, I would have asked a similar question.
The thing that appeals to me about Michelle's writing and this forum, is that it asks you to look at yourself and the issues that you have and how they have contributed to the breakdown of your relationships. I think the reasons for this are many, and are self-explanatory. At the end of the day, it behooves all of us to become better versions of ourselves.
I think it is perhaps wishful thinking to say that this particular disease has not contributed to the breakdown of your relationship. You have indicated that it has altered your behaviors in a way that has caused you to act out in a way you may not otherwise have. Right now you are dealing with a scared kitten who won't come in from the rain. Every "big" move you make delays your efforts in getting it to come to you. But even if this disease did not affect that relationship, it still affects your health and for that reason alone should be dealt with.
It sounds like you know that it has become a bigger problem and something you need to deal with. I know how much your H means to you and how much you mean to everyone here. I hope that you take that to heart in how you deal with this situation.
Regardless of your personal choices, we are all here pulling for you and hoping the best for you. Again, only love, no judgment.
Hi Westo, I'm sorry if my postings have caused any difficulties & I won't post again if you don't find my input helpful. I do want to wish you all the very best though & I will be cheering you along in your journey.
Best regards, Sotto
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So the motor event happened and yes, he went back to OW when he said he wouldn't. Anyway he called this evening for his mail knowing I would ask what was going on.
For those who have followed my sitch, he had told his son that OW was moving to a new house and he wasn't moving with her andthat he couldn't stand to be near her and so he's working all the hours he can.
Last week my SIL messaged me saying that his Mum also knew he was moving out of OW house and it's only a matter of time that he would be back with me.
He did turn up earlier with a suitcase of clothes he's put in the garage. He also told me that when he came back from the event late at night (he said he would call) he drove past the house, knowing I was up. I asked why he didn't you call in. His answer? " well that's because my heads all over the place".
He said that last Friday he drove around with all his stuff in his van and texted OW to say he wasn't coming back and staying with his parents. Her daughter rang him begging him to come back and talk to her Mum as she was crying. Which he did.
He told me tonight that there is a hold up on her new house, but he wants to fulfill his promise of moving her in. She doesn't know he's not moving with her. He doesn't want to stay with his parents.
He says he will stay at a Premier Inn for a week when he does. I said I don't have a problem with him sleeping on the sofa.......but I don't really know how I feel about that.
I did tell him though that I have never asked him to leave OW but if and when he does....it's done without guilt on his behalf.
I had to pretend I didn't know anything about the other house as that info came from my SS.
I post this update for people who are going through similar things. Please don't ask about the alcohol....I'm 56 years old. I'm not a kid, I came here for support about my marriage, nothing else.
I want my posts to be a kind of guidance and one day I really hope mine will be added to the restored marriage thread.
((Westo)) - You are made of stern stuff to get through this without completely falling apart.
Your posts are all "matter of fact" but we all know that there is deep emotion under that stiff upper lip.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well, as you can imagine, I've thought about things overnight.
He threw me with his comment of not wanting to stay at his parents (which I can understand as a 52 year old man wouldn't relish the idea) and that he would stay at the Inn for a week.
A week? It's going to take a darn site longer than that for me to accept him under this roof! I know I told him I didn't have a problem with him kipping on the sofa.......but I bloody well do!
I'm not going to say anything right now as I don't want to influence when he leaves OW, in any way. It has to be when he wants to.
I will wait until he leaves and suggest for him to take up his sons' offer and stay in one of his empty houses. It's going to take weeks of regular contact and earning my trust again.
I don't think he has any idea of quite what he's done to me and our family. But believe me, he will. We will have an awful lot of talking to do and take things very, very slowly.
Received a text last Saturday saying he would 'call over for a bit' on Sunday. I answered that the grandkids were going to their dads at 4pm if he wanted to see them first and he answered that he would.
He arrived at 3.30 and once the kids left came over our house for a couple of hours. I got the impression he wanted to kill a few hours, for whatever reason. Up until he told me two days before about promising OW he would help her move and was not moving with her, he always knocked the door.
This always broke my heart, as it was clear to me that he felt the house wasn't his home anymore. On the Sunday he just walked in, which surprised me. He told me he had a debrief meeting that he had to attend this morning in mid Wales regarding the motoring event.
We have a problem with our electric meter which is built in and the elec company needs to gain access, so he text me to say he'd be over this morning to saw access to the cabinet it's in. I answered that I thought he had a meeting and he replied that it had been cancelled.
So, me being me, thought....he hasn't told OW it's been cancelled and has a perfect excuse of getting out of the house again. I though, I bet he'll get up, go to Maccy D's for breakfast (as he practically lives there, his words) then come over here and kill a few hours.
I made sure I was up, dressed, made up, hair etc. Sure enough, walks through the back door at 10.45 (no knock again). Worked on the cabinet, made him a cup of tea and we chatted for an hour before we went to see the grand kids opposite. He ended up taking GD over to his parents while D and me went shopping.
Now, up until last Friday he would just sit on the sofa while we talked. Now....his feet are up and all relaxed like he used to be. I honestly feel he is reconnecting and is disconnecting from OW and her home. It's happening all over again but now in reverse.
When he returned with GD came to the house again for an hour. I must say though I was relieved when he did finally leave as I do find it stressful, oh and I got the usual hug and this time a kiss on the cheek!
Westo - I suspect it's because he doesn't expect to have any barriers to him just sliding back into his old life.
You've grown and learned. He hasn't.
So - do you have a plan to build up those boundaries, communicate and enforce them? If he can just slide out to an OW, spend time at the pub and then when he gets bored just wander back in to your door, what's to stop him from doing it again?
This next bit will be tricky and tough. He's not quite escaped the clutches of OW and like a timid woodland creature may scurry back.
Hopfully job can pop around with some actionable advice.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Believe me he will know my boundaries. I'm waiting for him to leave OW by his own accord and to stay wherever. Then I will tell him that the sofa isn't an option.
I'm not going to make him feel awful or come across superior to him. I'm just going to point out that R is so important that we have to take things very carefully.
I will point out that while I'm not a stranger to him (having not lived a different life with another man and his family) he's a stranger, not only to me but our kids and GK.
I'm saving this though, for when he leaves. Then he will realise the work I expect him to do to win me back.
For now he can thinks what he likes.
Thank you for your support, you've always been amazing!
Yesterday I was stressing about H and when he will leave OW. On my way up the mountain I was thinking about Christmas Day and what if he still hasn't left OW by then....oh how awful.
Then, on my way back I thought....and? It's just one day. So now I'm thinking.....I don't want H at the table on Xmas day anyway. Why put all that pressure on us all for just one day?
I'm just putting this here for future reference. I can see that no one has responded to my updates. That's ok...I realise that I probably put posters off.
I will continue you post though.... As I hope my updates will help others.
Westo - I don't know if you ever read about something that is helpful to many of us - the Stockdale Paradox - one of the key things in it was that those who didn't survive were those who put dates and expectations around their redemption.
Please keep posting as you continue on your journey. I continue to post myself because it helps get my narrative off my chest and by sharing the burden, the weight of carrying it is lessened. I also find that helping others with their own burdens makes mine lighter.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Your posts help me but as a relative newbie am reluctant to offer advice. I think you are right to wait for H to leave OW of his own free will. But acting like everything is normal and nothing has changed? What’s the advice if they come back with no remorse or regret?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I don't have an answer to you question. I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
He hasn't demonstrated the required level of remorse and regret yet. While he is still living with OW we just make small talk.
We will have to do a lot of real talking before I allow him back.
I was stressing about Christmas and that if he doesn't leave in the next week or two then how can he so close to the holidays as he'd be ruining her Christmas.
Then I went for a walk and had an epiphany.....so what if he doesn't. It's only one day and quite frankly, I don't want him at the Christmas table. Not this year.
How stressful would that be for S,D, and my mother? Let alone him and me.
Well, I'm in tears. H just called with a card for S and one for me. He's just left. Last time he called two weeks ago, on leaving, when he went to hug me we both thought the other was going the opposite way and nearly kissed.
He laughed but I flinched. Tonight he hugged again each side quite a few times, sniffing my neck deeply, like he used to do and said "I only come here to hug you". And then we kissed, only a peck on the lips (I didn't really have a choice, I pulled back first) First time in nearly two years. It felt weird. I don't quite know what to think.
So I've opened my card.... On the cover.... ' For my lovely wife Happy Christmas
It's more than the hustle and bustle, More than the lights on the tree, The best of all festive traditions, Are the ones that we share, you and me, I love all the fun and excitement, And each happy memory too.....
Inside... There's no other time quite like Christmas, And no other wife quite like you, With all my love' H x
He said he may call after work tomorrow and Christmas Eve. He's working all the rest days he has. He needs to, he needs the money, even working Christmas Day, like he did last year. Phew........this is so tough. We have nothing to talk about
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Westo, thanks for your holiday greeting. I'm happy for you that your H has brought you such a lovely card and been affectionate with you. Remember you both have walls up. In time those will come down and you will have a lot to talk about.
Every time I get upset that my H doesn't want to see me or talk to me I think, what are we going to talk about: the other woman, where he went on vacation, how he spends his time, the relatives he sees that completely abandoned us, the job where he worked with both of his OW, my pain, the life I'm creating for myself, the kid events he's missed? So you see, once he is gone and away, then he can talk to you about his life and you can talk to him about yours. Savor your card.
Thanks for the hug AP and Own for your advice. You are right we have both built up walls, me more so I think.
When he said he would call after work tomorrow I mentioned that maybe he could have a drink and sleep on the couch.
He was open to that and said that he had a night shift but would finish at nine pm.
Now, I've thought about this since.....I don't want to be a lie to OW and him pretending he's working while sleeping here. I also felt that the kiss was a touch thinking maybe he would end up in my bed tomorrow. That is NOT happening.
So I'm going to text him tomorrow evening saying to leave it as I'm really tired, going to bed early and I'll see him Christmas Eve.
I hope the weather is fine tomorrow as I really need my walk (therapy) up my mountain.
Last edited by job; 12/22/1709:21 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are right we have both built up walls, me more so I think.
I can really relate. Wow, the walls that went up between H & me since BD (6 mo ago) are so high and yes ,, me more so too. When do these walls ever come down? I'm sure they have to drop way down for any chance at reconciliation? Is it a natural thing that happens at a certain stage of the crisis or do we need to make a conscious effort?
After he'd had his cup of tea I told him that we need to talk urgently about the house, with a view to selling it in order to clear the home loan on it.
He was having none of it.....thinks he can sort it all in three years when the mortgage is up. Well, I have had enough and told him that whatever happens between us (which I'm not interested in right now) the house is my priority.
He prattled on for a while mentioning that he will have to sort out changing broadband and fuel bills etc, but hasn't got round to it, because he lives elsewhere.
I told him that was his choice to do so and then.......I went off on one. Not in a bad way but I made it clear that after telling me he was leaving OW six months ago, I've had enough. Told him that if he wants to stay with her (he answered he didn't) then stay, makes no odds to me. I told him I was sick of his lies and I want to move on with my life.
He said he'd been thinking of leaving this very week (🙄) and had checked hotel prices and would cost him £300 for a week. I told him I didn't give a shi* that was his problem.
I also told him that HE was living with another woman and her family and had experienced things with her, when I hadn't with another man and that I got the impression, after our talk six months ago that he thought....oh well she's just where I left her, so I can carry on living my fantasy life. He didn't agree, of course.
Anyway I could see he was itching to leave and said so, and so he left.
He said he'd ring me tomorrow, to which I answered....yes well let's see.
It was a very frosty departure, no hug but then he wasn't going to get one today and he knew it.
I know everyone will say I should have drank the shut up smoothie but I couldn't help it. I'm sick of his choices affecting so many people. I also told him that by taking the car he also took my independence as I have to rely on the kids to take me anywhere.
He said he could bring that back (he has a works van) as he hardly drives it....big bloody deal.
I'm sure he left knowing that's it, I've had enough and knows I won't contact him again, unless it's an emergency.
If speaking up felt right to you, then you did the right thing. Sometimes, we have to be very, very frank and tell it like it is. He's got a lot to think about and it's his own fault that he's not done what he said he would do, i.e., leave the ow.
You've been more than gracious to this man...so leave him to stew in his own juices in that stew pot. He now knows where you stand and it's time that his words start matching w/his actions.
No 2 X 4's from me today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Westo, Those moments are truth darts. The mlcer do not realise the pain their choices have on others and when confronted with the truth, they seem baffled. When changes need to occur, actions need to take place. This is true on both side. No 2x4 from me. I beleive you did the right things also
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
No answer is required. He's fishing to see if you've gotten over being mad. I believe that you aren't.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As our situation (he can interpret that as he sees fit) is exactly the same today as it was yesterday and the day before that, then the same. Why do you ask?
I believe the text has nothing to do with how I am, but more of an ice breaker. I'll take my time in answering.
Tomorrow is his dad's 80th birthday and SS has booked a meal. As with my other SS wedding, the ones who will be missing are D, the GK's and me.....
Good to you for speaking your mind. I for one, hope you can get to the same point in a more controlled fashion. The anger/frenzy whatever still show him you are hanging on. When you can deliver it cold, I think he'll get the message loud and clear.
Hi Own, I was quite calm TBH. I didn't raise my voice or blub or anything like that. But he was left in no doubt that I've had enough.
My DIL invited both D and me to the birthday meal tonight but as she left so late it was too short notice. 22 people are going including S and H, or so I thought.
H has literally just texted me asking if S had gone to the meal, which leads me to think that H is now not going. I'm bloody gobsmacked.
His own Dads 80th. His mum will be devastated. She is already upset that D and me aren't going. Again, I'm not going to reply.
Why didn't he just text S and ask him directly? My God....he's got so many bridges to mend.
He didn't go to his GD christening in October because of a motor sports even and now this. I feel so sorry for his parents.
Westo, remember, you can't fix this stuff for him and his decisions are his own. The pain he causes is for him to bear and not yours. You are only responsible for your actions and how they affect others.
Well, the fool is telling on himself. He's either sitting on the street watching the house or driving by. What's it to him if your son's light is on? You could be in there cleaning. He's really lost the plot.
BTW, I wouldn't have responded to his text about the light. That comment was to get you to respond to him and it worked.
Remember...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know, I could kick myself for responding but it creeped me out.
Anyway, apparently DIL had texted everyone in the morning to say the meal was cancelled and in the few minutes before she texted to say it was back on H had agreed to cover a shift. So he was passing our house after dropping birthday cards to SS and his dad.
His mum started the evening off crying and no one believes that he was working.
I personally think he just couldn't handle the whole thing. Oh and I also suggested that if he wants to know anything about S, that in future he asks him directly.
After he'd had his cup of tea I told him that we need to talk urgently about the house, with a view to selling it in order to clear the home loan on it.
He was having none of it.....thinks he can sort it all in three years when the mortgage is up. Well, I have had enough and told him that whatever happens between us (which I'm not interested in right now) the house is my priority.
He prattled on for a while mentioning that he will have to sort out changing broadband and fuel bills etc, but hasn't got round to it, because he lives elsewhere.
I told him that was his choice to do so and then.......I went off on one. Not in a bad way but I made it clear that after telling me he was leaving OW six months ago, I've had enough. Told him that if he wants to stay with her (he answered he didn't) then stay, makes no odds to me. I told him I was sick of his lies and I want to move on with my life.
He said he'd been thinking of leaving this very week (🙄) and had checked hotel prices and would cost him £300 for a week. I told him I didn't give a shi* that was his problem.
I also told him that HE was living with another woman and her family and had experienced things with her, when I hadn't with another man and that I got the impression, after our talk six months ago that he thought....oh well she's just where I left her, so I can carry on living my fantasy life. He didn't agree, of course.
Anyway I could see he was itching to leave and said so, and so he left.
He said he'd ring me tomorrow, to which I answered....yes well let's see.
It was a very frosty departure, no hug but then he wasn't going to get one today and he knew it.
I know everyone will say I should have drank the shut up smoothie but I couldn't help it. I'm sick of his choices affecting so many people. I also told him that by taking the car he also took my independence as I have to rely on the kids to take me anywhere.
He said he could bring that back (he has a works van) as he hardly drives it....big bloody deal.
I'm sure he left knowing that's it, I've had enough and knows I won't contact him again, unless it's an emergency.
I have no regrets, I'm human after all.
Back up that mountain tomorrow.....
You usually bite your tongue but think it’s actually healthy in the process to let it out sometimes. (((Westo)))
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes Gordie, I usually do but agree that sometimes things need to be said.
Journaling,
For the last few days I haven't felt well. A little lightheaded. I'm wondering if it's high blood pressure or maybe stress.
I feel, since H and I have had contact the last nine months and since he said six months ago that he was going to leave OW, I've picked the rope back up and have taken a large step backwards.
I think back to this time last year when I was looking forward to getting my tattoo, I had come a long long way. I have realised that since contact, neither I, my kids or GK's have gained anything from it.
So, why bother. I am now dropping that rope and focussing on me again and remembering the words on that tattoo that meant so much to me almost a year ago.
Are you sure you aren't coming down w/the flu or a virus? It's running wild here in the States. Stress tends to weaken the immune system and if it continues, please have yourself checked out by a doctor.
You are very wise to drop the rope and turn the focus back on to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes you could be right, I think I must be going down with something. Australian flu is rife here. It doesn't help that January is such a depressing month too
Haven't heard from H since I made it clear I'd had enough. It seems since then he's gone back into the tunnel.
It was his mums birthday on Monday and he couldn't attend her birthday meal as he was away on a course. DIL says he takes days to answer his sons texts and always with the excuse of working.
He's withdrawn from them too. No ones seen him. He posted a card to him mum instead of calling with it.
I don't know if my words caused him to go back in the tunnel, but if they did, that must be where he needs to be right now.
I do wonder what OW must think of why, after nearly 2 years, she hasn't yet met his parents.
Oh well, they do say replay is the longest phase and he's certainly still there.....
Best to stay away from your mother for a while. Lots of rest, fluids and more rest. Everyone appears to be getting the really bad cold and then being diagnosed with the flu. My sister thought she had a bad cold and ended up with the flu, missing 5 days from work because of it.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Last edited by job; 02/07/1808:23 AM. Reason: Added a new thread link
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
