Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones

[AndrewP]

((Westo)) - You are made of stern stuff to get through this without completely falling apart.

Your posts are all "matter of fact" but we all know that there is deep emotion under that stiff upper lip.

[Westo]

Well, as you can imagine, I've thought about things overnight.

He threw me with his comment of not wanting to stay at his parents (which I can understand as a 52 year old man wouldn't relish the idea) and that he would stay at the Inn for a week.

A week? It's going to take a darn site longer than that for me to accept him under this roof! I know I told him I didn't have a problem with him kipping on the sofa.......but I bloody well do!

I'm not going to say anything right now as I don't want to influence when he leaves OW, in any way. It has to be when he wants to.

I will wait until he leaves and suggest for him to take up his sons' offer and stay in one of his empty houses. It's going to take weeks of regular contact and earning my trust again.

I don't think he has any idea of quite what he's done to me and our family. But believe me, he will. We will have an awful lot of talking to do and take things very, very slowly.

[Westo]

Journaling.

Received a text last Saturday saying he would 'call over for a bit' on Sunday. I answered that the grandkids were going to their dads at 4pm if he wanted to see them first and he answered that he would.

He arrived at 3.30 and once the kids left came over our house for a couple of hours. I got the impression he wanted to kill a few hours, for whatever reason. Up until he told me two days before about promising OW he would help her move and was not moving with her, he always knocked the door.

This always broke my heart, as it was clear to me that he felt the house wasn't his home anymore. On the Sunday he just walked in, which surprised me. He told me he had a debrief meeting that he had to attend this morning in mid Wales regarding the motoring event.

We have a problem with our electric meter which is built in and the elec company needs to gain access, so he text me to say he'd be over this morning to saw access to the cabinet it's in. I answered that I thought he had a meeting and he replied that it had been cancelled.

So, me being me, thought....he hasn't told OW it's been cancelled and has a perfect excuse of getting out of the house again. I though, I bet he'll get up, go to Maccy D's for breakfast (as he practically lives there, his words) then come over here and kill a few hours.

I made sure I was up, dressed, made up, hair etc. Sure enough, walks through the back door at 10.45 (no knock again). Worked on the cabinet, made him a cup of tea and we chatted for an hour before we went to see the grand kids opposite. He ended up taking GD over to his parents while D and me went shopping.

Now, up until last Friday he would just sit on the sofa while we talked. Now....his feet are up and all relaxed like he used to be. I honestly feel he is reconnecting and is disconnecting from OW and her home. It's happening all over again but now in reverse.

When he returned with GD came to the house again for an hour. I must say though I was relieved when he did finally leave as I do find it stressful, oh and I got the usual hug and this time a kiss on the cheek!

[Westo]

Gosh, was just thinking.....

Is he more relaxed on the sofa now since I said I had no problem with him kipping on it?

[AndrewP]

Westo - I suspect it's because he doesn't expect to have any barriers to him just sliding back into his old life.

You've grown and learned. He hasn't.

So - do you have a plan to build up those boundaries, communicate and enforce them? If he can just slide out to an OW, spend time at the pub and then when he gets bored just wander back in to your door, what's to stop him from doing it again?

This next bit will be tricky and tough. He's not quite escaped the clutches of OW and like a timid woodland creature may scurry back.

Hopfully job can pop around with some actionable advice.

[Westo]

Hi Andrew.

Believe me he will know my boundaries. I'm waiting for him to leave OW by his own accord and to stay wherever. Then I will tell him that the sofa isn't an option.

I'm not going to make him feel awful or come across superior to him. I'm just going to point out that R is so important that we have to take things very carefully.

I will point out that while I'm not a stranger to him (having not lived a different life with another man and his family) he's a stranger, not only to me but our kids and GK.

I'm saving this though, for when he leaves. Then he will realise the work I expect him to do to win me back.

For now he can thinks what he likes.

Thank you for your support, you've always been amazing!

[Westo]

And this is why I love my walks...

Yesterday I was stressing about H and when he will leave OW. On my way up the mountain I was thinking about Christmas Day and what if he still hasn't left OW by then....oh how awful.

Then, on my way back I thought....and? It's just one day. So now I'm thinking.....I don't want H at the table on Xmas day anyway. Why put all that pressure on us all for just one day?

I'm just putting this here for future reference. I can see that no one has responded to my updates. That's ok...I realise that I probably put posters off.

I will continue you post though.... As I hope my updates will help others.

[AndrewP]

Westo - I don't know if you ever read about something that is helpful to many of us - the Stockdale Paradox - one of the key things in it was that those who didn't survive were those who put dates and expectations around their redemption.

Please keep posting as you continue on your journey. I continue to post myself because it helps get my narrative off my chest and by sharing the burden, the weight of carrying it is lessened. I also find that helping others with their own burdens makes mine lighter.

[Gordie]

Westo,

Your posts help me but as a relative newbie am reluctant to offer advice. I think you are right to wait for H to leave OW of his own free will. But acting like everything is normal and nothing has changed? What’s the advice if they come back with no remorse or regret?

[Westo]

Hi Gordie,

I don't have an answer to you question. I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

He hasn't demonstrated the required level of remorse and regret yet. While he is still living with OW we just make small talk.

We will have to do a lot of real talking before I allow him back.

I was stressing about Christmas and that if he doesn't leave in the next week or two then how can he so close to the holidays as he'd be ruining her Christmas.

Then I went for a walk and had an epiphany.....so what if he doesn't. It's only one day and quite frankly, I don't want him at the Christmas table. Not this year.

How stressful would that be for S,D, and my mother? Let alone him and me.

No thanks, 2018 is only five weeks away.