Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones

[Westo]

Previous thread,
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2745395&page=1

Well........we shall see.

[AndrewP]

Westo - I hope you and your family are doing well. I've been thinking about you lately and worried about you.

As I was doing my yard-work I became motivated to tell you a story. It is, as far as I know the facts myself a true story and is one that I've not told here before. Mark Twain once said "History doesn't repeat but it often rhymes". Many of us here see our own stories play out in the stories of others. Your's doesn't seem to quite as much.

For anyone else reading, feel free to - but I'm writing this for Westo.

This isn't a "cup of tea" story but is more a "glass of wine" story and also, not every story has an obvious hero nor villain but in this case I think we can agree on the villain. It may also be a bit tough for you to read. It's a bit tough for me to write even though I have a distance of time on it. If it upsets you, please accept my apologies. As usual I've tried to put some humour into the story though so you should get the occasional smile.

My father - JohnT was born into what I would think of as modest circumstances, what most people would think of as poor. I've occasionally been accused of cleverness and yes for a short while I did attend one of the world's premier universities where I studied Mathematics (and blondes). Despite only having an elementary school education my father was very likely one of the smartest men that I have ever known and this is not just the pride of a son speaking. So what happened had nothing to do with him not being smart.

If my father had one fatal fault it was his faith and trust in mankind. Next was a desire to provide a better life for his family but very poor money management skills. He met my mother when he was in his mid 20s and she was 16. Their first child, my oldest sister was born - ahem - premature shortly after they married. I encountered people in later years who knew my father at that time and they tell me how they were all astounded that "Big John" had a girlfriend. While personable, he was a very shy man. Several children of which I was the youngest came along in quick succession. I would joke that my mother was a good Catholic girl with a poor sense of rhythm

We were a good family and I was raised in a home filled with love and solid morals. Some of my key traits of Pride, Duty and Loyalty I owe in no small part to my parents and extended family. We didn't have much in the way of material things but we never went hungry. Clothes were well patched and my parents did all they could to support us in our various endeavours. Money was always tight and after quite a number of years of struggling my father made a choice in mid-life - around his 40s - to change careers from farmer to real estate agent. He did well in his new career soon becoming a broker with two offices of his own and a staff of several agents working for him. In addition to the main business, he also purchased rental properties. Because of some poor decisions which could mainly be put down to trusting people who were untrustworthy, it all unravelled to the point where he tapped out both my oldest brother and myself for loans to help keep things going. He also got back in to the buying / selling of things to try to make a sliver of profit that had caused him so many problems pre-real-estate career. Around this time as well he had another heart-attack. A big one. Quadruple bypass and he was actually dead on the table for a while.

When he came back home to recover his personality was dramatically different. I understand that this can happen with people who have had a bypass. He was full of energy but also seemed to be more unstable. His real-estate business died completely and he started working as a driver for a "group-home" where a former business associate of his was acting as a foster-mother to developmentally handicapped youths. After a while "because it was convenient" he moved in to the group home himself. He was spending lots of time there anyway acting as handy-man as well as driver. My mother I am sure felt that he was having an affair as did my siblings. I - well I was oblivious. I remember on one of the rare times I visited him there he was determined to show me where he slept to prove that he wasn't cheating.

Over time his behaviour got more and more erratic and he started having black-out episodes while driving. I was called to the local hospital to reason with him after one of his more erratic episodes and mentioned the black-outs. His driver's license was pulled and I was blamed. The woman he was living with made numerous efforts to farm him out to myself and my siblings as being a risk to the people at the group home but made sure to keep control of him. He also went to see a specialist at a regional neurological centre where he was diagnosed with something called Pick's disease. A degenerative disease that affects areas of the brain. I found out while driving him to one of his appointments that the woman he was with was also feeding him the medications that she had for the children in her care and that she had been for some time, even before he became erratic.

While this was going on, my Mother fell apart in a way that I can only really understand now. I angered her by stopping her from destroying all of my father's records which by law he was required to keep. They lived in my infamous front porch for many years until they aged out and my brothers and I destroyed them. My mother had been the "glue" that held the family together as many mothers are. She was the central hub that we all revolved around and I was devoted to her. You can imagine my reaction when she started cutting all of us children out of her life and started spending time with what she called her "new family" - some old friends who were very kind and supportive to her.

Meanwhile my father's condition deteriorated and he was committed at the request of the woman he was with to a nursing home. She had tried to get one of us kids to take him in but we all refused. Perhaps we were being bitter because my father had been distant from us all for quite some time and had also taken financial advantage of us on top of that. I can't really say but I do still have guilt over that. Because of my father's trust in her, he had granted her Power of Attorney over both his financial and health affairs. None of us trusted her but we did nothing about it.

After my father was institutionalized, my mother contracted colon cancer and died a short while later. My wife pushed me to visit her on her death-bed and reconcile but I refused. Cold of me perhaps. I said that if she had wanted me to be in her life that she had lots of chances and that I wasn't going to "play nice" on her death-bed to soften anyone's guilt. My wife mentioned this when she was leaving as something that she was scared of happening to her - that I would one day just cut her out of my life. I'm not going to explore that here - it's complex and not relevant to this story.

My siblings and I all went as a group to visit my father and give him the news that his wife had passed. It was a sad and somewhat disturbing time especially since his "woman" made a point of being there and also (to me) that my siblings turned the event into a photo-op. I still remember his cold blue eyes looking at me when his woman reminded him of who I was. I don't think I was ever forgiven for him losing his driving license.

Some more time passes and my father dies when a bought of pneumonia goes through the nursing home. At the wishes of the woman he was with he was creamated however only a portion of the ashes were delivered to the family. At this time as well she starts insisting to the family that they were in fact common-law spouses and that she should be entitled to any property he may have. Fortunately my oldest brother who when my father started being erratic took on the role of "head of the family" had everything under control. It was obvious that what the woman was after was our grandmother's estate which consisted of the the ancestral family farm. My brother had already suggested to her that she change her will to cut my father out of the estate. Prior to my grandmother passing she told me that she had sold the farm to one of my cousins for a nominal amount, keeping the land in the family. I'm not sure about the Welsh - but us Scots are very attached to our land. I reassured my grandmother that it was an excellent decision and that I was confident that my cousin who was already farming the land would continue to do a good job.

So - the moral of the story if you managed to follow along for this. Is there anything that we could have / should have done to extract my father from the grips of a controlling woman? I really don't know the answer to that. And if we had tried, given that since he was my father we had only limited influence over him and he was also a very prideful man, would anything we could have done made any difference? I really don't know.

Anyway - I hope this story is helpful to you. Always remember - you are not alone. The struggles you face have been faced by other women in other lands in other times. You can be very proud of how you have conducted yourself. Where my mother gave up, you have stood firm and kept your Light Shining.

((((Westo))))

[Sotto]

Hi Westo, I would think about changing up the dynamic in your situation with your H a little....here's what I see:

H - lumbering along with OW - not too happy in the R, but not ending it (just yet) either. Covertly in touch with you - presumably that isn't being shared with OW?

You - Wanting to keep in touch with him whilst he has an OW. Prodding and poking him - have you ended it with her yet? When will you?

Let me ask this - if the big argument happened on Tuesday and he contacted you to say - we've ended it - would you want him back on those terms? I don't think things would be on a secure footing if that were the case at all.

I agree with the poster who said - let that one die a natural death. In my situation, XH and OW were off and on at least half a dozen times in the earlyish days. So, each of those 'endings' didn't mean an absolute end of that R, which is still continuing as far as I'm aware.

So, my advice would be to let him wallow in his own mud hole. Deal with the question of - why do I seem to want this man (who is currently someone else's girlfriend) quite so much? Step back, leave him be. Get your focus to where it needs to be - you! And honestly, I think 'potentially unavailable' you will be more intriguing than 'prodding and asking' you.

I hope none of this sounds harsh, but truly whether he leaves her or not needs to become firmly secondary in all our situations - and our own progress and growth needs to be foremost. So, I'd love to see you post about your own goals and aspirations in coming months - regardless of what he may do.

Take care and hope you have a lovely weekend xx

[bttrfly]

{{{{{Westo}}}}}

Checking in Westo. You've certainly had a lot going on! I'm sorry - I know you're tired. Radiotherapy is very exhausting. Right now you need as little stress as possible and much rest.

I agree with Sotto's post about H and OW. What bothers me most about reading all of this is that you're now in the position of being the OW in H's relationship with the OW. You see what I mean there? That's not who you want to be or are. He has to extricate himself in his own way and hopefully step back and figure out what led him to that before he comes back to you in any truly meaningful way. This is only my opinion, and that and $5 will buy you a coffee at the local Starbucks.

I know what you're saying about keeping in touch with H, and if your instincts say text, then text, but I wouldn't push. Focus on yourself right now, your health and well being. {{{{{{{xoxoxoxoxoxo}}}}}}}

[Westo]

Thanks for popping by Andrew and for your interesting if sad story.

Thank you for taking the time to write it. I don't think there was anything you could have done to extricate your dad from that woman. She really knew what she was doing.

I'm glad she didn't inherit the farm and yes the Welsh are the same about their land, especially the farmers. Selling the farm to a relative for a nominal amount happens here too!

Hi Sotto and Bttrfly,

I absolutely agree with every word you have written. I had already decided there will be no more prodding from me. I'm not comfortable with him waiting for the next argument either. I would prefer him to sit her down and calmly tell her it's over, because that's what I would do. But he's not me. And yes I do look at him and wonder if I really do want him back........

I wouldn't really call myself the OW though, we don't contact that often. It's just a few polite texts and the occasional call where he just gets a cup of tea, nothing else. Oh and having to listen to him going on and on about how many hours he works, blah blah blah. That's all he talks about.

I prodded because I couldn't understand the delay after our talk and him telling me the R had not developed into anything (for him anyway).

I learned that the delay was because of the suicidal threats, she had had to sell her house. They are living upstairs in her disabled mothers house. The man who he used to walk to the local pub with on pool night and was fond of died of a heart attack and H attended his funeral on Tuesday.

H is either working or sleeping as they are so short staffed and they argue because of all the hours he's working. At the same time he pays all our bills.

What a mess. But it's only him that can get himself out of it. He's hardly living the dream. So yes, no more prodding from me.

As roist said, let the R die its own death.

[Coly23]

Ahhh Westo, I love the title of your thread! That's one of my favourite songs.

I hope your H sorts himself out soon. He is obviously not happy in this 'relationship' with OW and I agree that waiting for the next row is not the way to leave her. He needs to do it because he wants to be with you and not because he doesn't want to be with her, if that makes sense.

(((Westo)))

[Westo]

It makes absolute sense Coly.....there is no other way.

I am and will never be plan b.

[Westo]

So,
I've stepped well back and waited for H to contact me, which he did last Thursday apologising for not calling the previous Friday but he had slept late and had more or less gone straight back to work.

He hoped my treatment was going ok and that I'm coping well. He said he would call soon but didn't know what day and would text me before he did. It spooked me a little as it sounded so vague and similar to the ones I received after he left, only to not see him for a year.

I left it over 24 hours before I answered that it was going well but glad it was Friday as I had the next session today. I always answer straight away but thought while I don't answer he will wonder why, which means, for a change I would be on HIS mind.

He hasn't replied, however, I had a message on Friday from my stepson's wife asking if she could call on Saturday with the baby. It transpires she knows all about OW. H phoned my SS the same day he messaged me. He told him he was looking to stay in our local village as he's had enough of OW, is working all hours as he can't stand to be near her.

SS called later with a take away, he's close to H and I hadn't seen him since our split. I was surprised he called. He confirmed what H had said and said "it's about time dad got his effing head together". He thinks H used OW for a roof and a shoulder to cry on and now feels trapped, but sounded relieved on the phone, calm and measured with his decision to leave.

She is moving to a new house in the next couple of weeks but he won't be moving with her (very much doubt he's told her that). SS has a couple of empty houses which he offered to H but H told him he will stay with his parents to be closer to me.

So DIL was asking all the time if I'd seen photos of OW she wanted to show me as she was surprised how low H had gone. She had found her on FB. So I said go on then, show me.

Well, I'm sure we've all read that most MLCers affair down......believe it! We have a show on tv here called Jeremy Kyle, the British version Jerry Springer. Yup, she would fit in just fine there! Let's just say, after seeing he pics he is not coming anywhere near me unless he's been checked by a doctor!

When they say you are the flower the OW is the weed....believe it! The advice here is spot on, be the wife he would be mad to leave. Yes she's younger......but my God she's butt ugly!

D has checked her profile and she feels much better after seeing it. There are no photos of her and H and no relationship status, so when he said the relationship is not what I think it is.....now D believes it.

So, now I have a heads up as to what is going on right now, I'm so glad I've taken the advice of Job, Coly, Andrew, Sotto, Bttrfly and roist of stepping well back and leave it die a natural death.

Imagine if I kept texting 'any news on when you are leaving?' I will always know that he left her when he was ready to without interference from me.

I think what happened when he left me, months of detachment from me, our marriage, home etc is now happening in reverse and since we've been in contact since May he's been detaching from her.

Whatever happens with us and there is no guarantee it will end happily ever after, I wanted to document on here what works and what doesn't for others going through the same thing and encourage them to please listen to the advice of the others.

[Westo]

Oh and OwnIt.....how could I forget to thank you?!!!!

[Coly23]

Hey Westo! Great to see an update from you!

Thank you for posting this at a time that I am struggling with no contact. I know there are no guarantees but at least I can see how it might help the MLCer to have time to try out the life they believe they want without interference from us.

I'm so happy your H has spoken to your SS about his plans. That makes it all the more real as he is voicing it to others. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that he continues on this path.

Interesting about OW. You always knew she wasn't a patch on you and I think he noticed your physical changes and must have wondered what the he!! he was doing with her!

Big cwtch to you Westo and I hope you'd treatment is going well also... X