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Kinder Offline OP
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Hello All,

I thought I would introduce myself again. I posted in Newcomers briefly when I was still in the early stages of my situation and then stopped. I still read everyday though. Mostly in this forum.

I'll summarize my story briefly. My ex husband and I were married for 15 years when I found out he was having an affair with the mother of one of our daughter's friends. This was happening while I was taking care of my mother who had lung cancer. My mother passed away 3 months after BD and I found out the OW was expecting on the night of her funeral. It took me another 4 months to realize that he wasn't coming back. We had a very amicable divorce a year ago July and I have 95% of the time with my girls which I love. There is a second new baby now. My daughters have 2 half brothers that they love dearly.

The girls and I are doing really well now. I have learned how to do all types of things now that I am a single gal. I take very good care of my yard, do minor repairs around the house and we just survived Hurricane Irma by ourselves in our house. I have such a feeling of accomplishment now and I think my girls are seeing it to. I am a better person now than I was when I was married.

I will try to be a more active poster. Thank you all for sharing your stories. They are what really helped me through the last 2 years.


Me 40 XH 40
M16 T18
D13
D10
BD 5/2/2015
Divorced 7/7/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: Kinder
...and we just survived Hurricane Irma by ourselves in our house.


Kinder,

It sounds like you did a very good job of surviving your divorce. I'm in awe of people that can divorce amicably.

My sons and I survived Irma. Although, we live in Tallahassee so we didn't really get much stormy weather. Did you get much rough weather where you live?

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(((Kinder)))

I am sorry for all of the pain you must have gone through. And i am happy for you that you are healing.

Youre ex seeing your kids so infrequently just says it all. How are you not bitter? You shouldnt be. His OW did not win a prize, but just curious as to how you mentally accepted it.

I have to say, now that my divorce papers are all submitted i am much happier as well. And i love being a single mom. It doesnt feel that much different for me to be honest. And i like the relationship my son and i have and the ability to raise him the way i like. I am excited about dating and meeting someone that i cam have a healthy relationship with.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 18
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Kinder Offline OP
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Doodler- I live in NE Florida. We had some pretty strong winds and a lot of rain but all together we did well. A little bit of yard clean up and some minor fence repair (which I did myself!). We were without power for 4 days which was an inconvenience for sure, but I am not complaining. A lot of people in our area sustained pretty bad flood damage.

JujuB - thank you for the hugs. I may have over exaggerated my time with the girls. They go to his house for dinner twice a week and sleep there most Saturday nights so he is around. I am definitely the primary parent though if that makes sense. As his new family is growing and solidifying he is fading more and more from our girls lives. I see it, they see it. He says it's on our head! I am trying really hard not to be bitter. I have moments where I say things I wish I hadn't. I try to always be the bigger person. For two reasons... 1 it is what is best for my girls and 2 I keep the moral high ground. Ultimately I want them to have a relationship with their dad no matter what so I do what I can to facilitate that. Plus their brothers are really cute and they love them and I like seeing their excitement. Crazy right?


Me 40 XH 40
M16 T18
D13
D10
BD 5/2/2015
Divorced 7/7/16
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 18
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Kinder Offline OP
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So one of the things I regret in the last two years is that I have not kept a journal through this process. I think it would be helpful if I could go back and read the though my thoughts then and compare them to how I am feeling now. With that in mind, I thought I would start to journal here a little bit....

I am pretty proud of how I have handled my situation with the exception of one large thing. Once I came to the realization that my husband wasn't coming back, I started dating. I met a man OLD in December of 2015. We hit it off right away and moved very quickly. He and his daughter moved in with my daughters and I in April of 2016 and it was a disaster from the start. Everything I've read here about healing before dating and new people being a band aid was so very very true. I asked him to move out in August of 16 and he finally did in November. It was a huge mistake.
We have continued seeing each other since then but it has been very rocky. I know in my gut that his guy is not the one for me and his presence in my life now only seems to show me that I want to be alone. Does that make sense? I love my house with just my girls and I there. I love our home life. I love my alone time when the girls are with their dad. I like sleeping in on Sunday mornings and then drinking coffee and watching West Wing. I am never going to love anyone the way I loved my XH. Today I feel like that 18 year period was the "love" portion of my life and that is over now. I am thankful that it happened, but I have no desire to replicate it. Now it time for me to see what I can do on my own.
Anyway .... those are my thoughts for today. We'll see how I feel tomorrow I guess.


Me 40 XH 40
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BD 5/2/2015
Divorced 7/7/16
Joined: Jan 2003
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Yeah, moving him and his daughter in after only a few months was probably a bad idea - even if the relationship was PERFECT, that's asking an awful lot of the kids.

With your kids the ages they are, there's nothing at all wrong with just dating and staying single until they're 18. They don't need to go through your dating breakups with you. If you start dating someone new, I wouldn't even introduce them until you've been dating for 6 months.

Btw, this doesn't mean you won't love again, or that you'll never love like you did with your ex. But you should be pickier the second time around, take your time and REALLY get to know someone, and no need to blend families at these ages.

If you are happy just casual-dating him, then great. If you suspect he's just not the right one for you, due to things you learned about him after he moved in - then let him go and try just dating a bit. Casually.

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Kinder, i made a lot of mistakes post acute BD. Mainly in Choosing my lawyers. Other people drink or do drugs. It was an emotional time and we learned from our mistakes. Just do whats best for you and your children.

I dated someone over a uear post BD. And it was one of those wtf was i thinking. Im glad i never ibtroduced him to my son.

Im not really sure when we are healed enough to start dating again though. Im 2.5 years post BD now and still not sure. I think the basic advise i am getting is to take it slow and juat build friendships which is what im doing.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 18
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Kinder Offline OP
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Thanks KML and Juju for the responses. I broke things off (again) on Monday and am now entering day 3 of no contact. I feel pretty neutral about it. I am sure that this is the best thing for both of us, but I hate the thought of hurting his feelings. That is why I've caved in the past. Wish me luck that I am strong enough to stick to my guns this time.

He and I used to spend most Saturday nights together since my girls spend that night at their dads house. This leaves me with no plans for this Saturday night. I need to come up with new GAL activities. I have been really into cleaning/organizing my house lately, but that feels like work. I need to find something fun!


Me 40 XH 40
M16 T18
D13
D10
BD 5/2/2015
Divorced 7/7/16

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