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#2761719 09/15/17 01:19 AM
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Hello everyone.

My story is similar to the forum from "won't stop" that I read earlier.
We've been marriage for 15 yrs and has 14 yrs old daughter. My wife had a conversation with me that she needed space and wanted to keep herself open for the new relationship since last February. She said that I wasn't take a good care for her enough, we have nothing in common, she can't feel love anymore etc. I didn't pay a lot of attention that time. However, I kinda ignore her a little bit so she can get the idea of living without me. After that, she started to put password on her phone, kept her phone with her all the time, and was on the phone a lot than before. Our relationship was pretty much the same we leave in the same house except that she wanted to keep the distance and she needed her privacy.

On April, she went to Korea to get her face treatment with her girlfriends for 3 weeks. However, she decided to stay a week longer than her friends by herself.

After she came back she was acting kind of weird. She said that I don't have to be too nice too her because that was not me. She also told me that she have met someone but he live far away. I don't have to worry about him now. I didn't believe her at first because we live and work together. After my guessing and a lot of argument, she confessed that she has been talking and texting to him since February. He is our old friend that I didn't contact for long time. They've been together at Korea for a week. Even I knew, she was still texting and talking to him everyday.

It has been a lot of begging, crying, and please give me another chance since then. I am pretty sure I have done all the classic mistakes.

On July, my daughter had to go to summer camp at California and stayed with my wife on weekends for a month which we planned before this thing happened. If I didn't let her go, cancel the camp thing which we already paid, it will be suspicious for everyone. So I can do nothing about it. Unfortunately for me, the camp didn't let the camper leave for weekend so my wife had a whole month with him(He live is USA.)

The whole month of pain, I spent everyday reading and watching every advice on the internet including DR book.

When I picked her up at the airport, I went with my happy and welcome face. Anyway, she was still texting and talking to him. Almost a month past by, my wife told me that this guy feel a bit insecure because he think, I am the one being with her all the time. He wanted time to think about himself too. He wanted my wife to stop contact him until he's ready. So, my wife stopped contact and stopped replying his text. We started to talk about our relationship again. Everything seem to get better.

Less than a week, Hell! he showed up in my town and called my wife that he needed to talk. As my wife wasn't totally over him yet. She asked me that she need to go see him, she has to. So, she went half day with him and she came back and said that she wanted to give him another chance. 2 days later she went to stay with him at the hotel somewhere for 2 night, then again 2 days ago and will be again next weeks. Then he will go back the end of this month(September).

You all might think "Why I let her?"

Because she said if I didn't she will tell my daughter and end our marriage right now. I don't want my daughter to know. Not now. Because, I'm pretty sure that my wife won't build a new family with him. She just want him to fill her emptiness. They have no future together. Because my wife won't go there and he can't live here anytime soon. Now I have to let her walk in and out from me until he leave and hope she will change her mind before he come back again next time.

Right now, we sleep in the same room, hugging, kissing like a happy couple but no sex as she said she feel can't. However, she will text him anytime she want. I act pretty calm about it because it was her choice.

I read and learned some of the basis to handle this kind of situation. However, I am still a lot of help from you all. I won't give up. But how should I be around her.

1) Act like I have moved on, keep distance, and no physically contact(hug&kiss).
or
2) Get a life but also be close to her if she needs me and go with the flow.

Best Regards,


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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I read the book and most of forums in here.

I should not allow my WW to go see OM easily. I tried to stop her from going but she said let her go she miss him. She said that OM will leave this country at the end of this month. If I let her I still got a chance more than him. (He got insecure from time to time b/c he is not OK that me and my wife still live together.) But if I won't she will end with me right now. I chose to let her.

At lease, she always tell me everything that happen between her and OM. However, she told OM that we are not sleeping the same room(we are still kissing and hugging), go to work in different car, stop going anywhere just 2 no more. She fear that if OM knows that me and my wife still doing things together he will get mad. She hides and lies a lot of info from him.

Before she went to see him(2 days ago) I asked her to text me where her and OM stay so, I don't have to worry and I can keep track on her if sth. bad happen. She never did. I did not contact her either.

Tonight, she is coming back home from seeing him. I am at the restaurant near by. I'd like to have a quick advice before I go back home.

How should I act with her from tonight on?
1) Sleep together or not
2) Disappoint that she didn't call or not
3) Be cold or be neutral

I deeply appreciate whoever reply me on such as a short time.

Regards,


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Originally Posted By: anative
How should I act with her from tonight on?
1) Sleep together or not
2) Disappoint that she didn't call or not
3) Be cold or be neutral

1) Sleep in the master bedroom and don't worry about where she is going to sleep.
Thats not your problem.
2) Don't speak about it, I am not surprised she did not answer.
3) Follow instructions in my first post - I.E. - DETACH
This is not hot or cold, more indifferent.
Start worrying about YOU - not her.


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Thank you for helping me get past tonight.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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You are the Number 2 in her life. So you want to be number 2? You are going to have to detach. It's going to be hard. You have to get your balls back. You have allowed to much and she is not going your balls back to you without a fight.

She has to have some type of lost coming from your direction. IMO you need to kick her out the Martial bedroom and stop kissing and hugging her. That shows you except what she is doing. Stop excepting it. Tell her "you want except the disrespect from her anymore." This comment is for you. You are protecting yourself. What you have allowed your wife to do shows no respect for yourself. Gain your respect back first, detach, and do things that make you happy(GAL(Get a life)).

Read detaching, because it has to be done with love.

You will stumble, just keep trying.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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anative,

Sorry that your here and yes you made several mistakes. But don't feel bad, because we have all been there. Next time she threatens to tell your daughter and to leave. Call her bluff. She knows that is your weakness and will continue to play on that, while sleeping with OM. If she does so, then you be there to tell D14 what W is up to.

Also you need to detach and let W move out if she wants to chase after this guy. What is thus worse that is going to happen? Is she going to continue to mess with OM? It's already happening. That seems to be the biggest bad reasoning from everyone here, including myself. She needs to experience actual loss to snap out of her fog. She has seen that she can disrespect you and go with it out of fear of losing your W. But the truth is that she is already lost.

I know these isn't easy, especially being so new at this. But it will save you a world of pain by distancing yourself. Being nice will not work whatsoever. The time to be nice has passed. Treat her cordial lile you would a neighbor and better yourself.


MR: 15 T:17
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S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
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So, I asked her why she didn't text me where she was. I turned around before she said sorry. Anyway, I slept in masterBR last night, without saying anything else, she slept in livingR.

This morning I managed to leave house early to the Gym. We usually drive to work together(her parent had goldsmith business pasted to her and I worked with her since we marriage). So from now on I think we will come to work in different car, go have lunch and dinner separately. I think, this will make OM happier though if he knew.

By detaching her, do you think that she will go see him more often without having to ask me or even tell me?

My daughter is a boarding student. She will come home every weekend. I want to give my daughter the best of family time as I can. So, I will have to pretend on weekend. I hope this is OK.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 57
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Thank you for your advices.
Now, I only talk to her when I have to. Try to avoid most of activities together unless my daughter is around.

OM will go back to US by the end of next week. I am sure that they will get together again at lease 2 nights. I'm thinking about closing the shop on the days she goes. Doing this will piss her off a lot as she rarely close the shop. She might cancel her plan for this time and threaten me that she will find the way to go see him even more and longer later.

However, In order for her to go next week, she will have to ask her parent to open the shop for her. That will lead her parent to ask what was going on. This might pressure her to expose her affair and talk about divorce again. Am I pursuing her by doing this? Am I not detaching?

Otherwise, I let her go again for the last time and start work thing out later after OM leave to avoid the conflict between us.

I have dream about telling everyone about her affair every night. I afraid that someday it will happen for real and that will ruin everything.

This is the only place I can think out loud. Please comment.

Regards,


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 947
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Keep up the work. DBING will get you there!


Me:46 Her:38
My D: 11
Her S: 8


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Originally Posted By: anative

By detaching her, do you think that she will go see him more often without having to ask me or even tell me?

&

OM will go back to US by the end of next week. I am sure that they will get together again at lease 2 nights. I'm thinking about closing the shop on the days she goes. Doing this will piss her off a lot as she rarely close the shop. She might cancel her plan for this time and threaten me that she will find the way to go see him even more and longer later.

However, In order for her to go next week, she will have to ask her parent to open the shop for her. That will lead her parent to ask what was going on. This might pressure her to expose her affair and talk about divorce again. Am I pursuing her by doing this? Am I not detaching?

Otherwise, I let her go again for the last time and start work thing out later after OM leave to avoid the conflict between us.


Any comments or advices? Please.
Thank you.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 93
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Sorry about what you are going through.

I think you are in a tricky situation since you work with her in a family business. The problem is if you and your daughter depends on the business then closing it will affect your financial situation as well. I think she is taking advantage that you rely on a business that was passed to her and she expects you to do whatever she wants because you don't have independence. One question is in case of a divorce what happens with the business? How do you take care of yourself? Do you share 50%?

I think she knows you fear divorce so much and using that to threaten you so you will be quiet. I think divorce hurts you but what she is doing is equally painful and destroys you. She can't be with you and the OM so it's best for her to make up her mind.

I don't think detaching will let her leave you if she loves you. I feel already she can do worse so detachment will just help you work on yourself. I feel she is being selfish & your fear of loosing her is what she is using to make you comply. Get over that fear because already you lost her. To get her back you have to talk to her but don't beg or make decisions for her. Work on any weaknesses you have and tell her you don't control what she chooses to do. Just tell her you want to work out things BUT she must respect you and work with you. If she wants a divorce that's her decision BUT you can't accept what she is doing.


M 11 Dated for 4 years before then
Me 35 H 39
D 10
BD Feb 2016
A 2015 Dec
I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately
I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
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A native,

I think you are in a great position. You don't have nothing to lose. No matter what direction she's goes at this point it's not with you. She has 0 respect for you. You will never get your wife back if she dont respect you. And I mean this, if letting her go means getting your respect that's what you are going to have to do.

Letting her go dont mean you will lose her, but you no longer have any influence over your wife.

You have to get that respect back. And when I say let her go, I dont mean accept her going to spend time with another man. That's a 100% unacceptable and you have to let her know that. You cant control her, but You can show your disapproval and thats the start of detaching. Next you come up with boundaries for yourself that she dare not cross. When you create those boundaries they must come with consquences.

Stand firm, strong strong, have patience and take action.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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[quote=joejoe1]You are the Number 2 in her life. So you want to be number 2? You are going to have to detach. It's going to be hard. You have to get your balls back. You have allowed to much and she is not going your balls back to you without a fight.

She has to have some type of lost coming from your direction. IMO you need to kick her out the Martial bedroom and stop kissing and hugging her.


joe, did you know you say this^^ to almost every man on this site? And then you tell them their wives have "0 respect" for them. Regardless of what you think , it's really inflammatory.

A native, have your called a DB coach? And as Cadet said, You stay in the MBR. your w can do what she wants. It's your bed.

Whether to continue hugging/connecting physically (or letting it lead to something more) is an intensely personal choice.

My DB coach said the concerns are 2 fold. SOME WAS's (or their affair partners)
really do risky behavior and you have to wonder about sexually transmitted diseases,

Second, how you feel afterwards. Do you feel closer, or sort of used?

Finally, what did you mean when you said you "ignored her" and "did not pay attention to her"? Was it you being complacent or neglectful or cold?

What would you wife say if she were here? And is the unrealistic parts of this (she and OM cannot live in the same country??) - does that make it "safer" for her, do you think?

Or is that going to change? OR is she going to just live under the same roof as you, as friends, and staying till your d14 leaves? I mean, without asking her, what do you think her "Plan" is??

Native, do not set any boundary if you will not enforce it.

Having an Unenforced boundary is worse than not having one.
I'


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25,

I'm not try to be inflammatory. If any body ever feels that way let me know.

My W told ne the other day, that she had no respect for me and that what allowed her to cheat on me.

I think knowing that info helps the LBS navigate their situation that much better. I'm no different than native.

We come here to get the pure truth. Gthe truth hurts, but it also enables us to heal and get to a better place. The truth helps us seek the right answers. So I'm not trying to hurt any person on here feelings, we are going thru enough pain as it is.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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[quote=joejoe1]25,

I'm not try to be inflammatory. If any body ever feels that way let me know.

( I think I just did). We are all in pain, to be sure. But women have A's for more varied reasons.


My W told ne the other day, that she had no respect for me and that what allowed her to cheat on me.


I'm sorry your w said that to you. IF that is truly how she feels, then you have work to do & decisions to make.

All affairs are wrong, yes. But they are not all alike. So the advice is not always the same.

Simply declaring that you "won't accept disrespect" is not an enforceable boundary in and of itself. It is not an action or behavior; it's just a sentence.

I'll look at your thread and try to support you in your situation.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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25,

Thanks for reading my Sitch. I invite your support and advice.

I get what you are saying, that simply bstatimg to not accept disrespect is not a boundary. What is your suggestions for me and others that have heard that statement?


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: joejoe1
25,

Thanks for reading my Sitch. I invite your support and advice.

I get what you are saying, that simply bstatimg to not accept disrespect is not a boundary. What is your suggestions for me and others that have heard that statement?


I don't want to hijack a Native's thread. However, some of this relates to your situation, Native.

I'll be brief (for a L anyhow).

Stating "I will not be disrespected!" and then not specifying anything or doing anything different is a hollow comment. No offense, but it sounds like a kid stomping their feet in anger.

Setting a boundary and then not enforcing it, actually weakens your position more than doing nothing would have.

Saying you "won't accept" what is happening is like saying you will remain in denial.

You can say it all you want, but if your behavior is exactly the same as before, it's meaningless.

What will YOU do differently? Boundaries are not about controlling other people, they are about setting your boundary.

By analogy, If you were a state in the US, like, say, North Carolina,

boundary setting is saying "This is North Carolina. Over there are other states outside of my authority. North Carolina is in MY jurisdiction and I decide what happens in here. I do not decide what Virginia or South Carolina or Tennessee decide. That is for them to decide."

For instance, assume your wife interrupts you a lot, even in important conversations.

If you are calmly briefly making a point, but she has interrupted you

You set a boundary of what YOU will do if your boundary is crossed.

"W, I need you to let me finish", but oops, she keeps on interrupting -

So you leave the room. If you are driving, you take the next exit and get out of the car.

You do not participate once she interrupts. You disengage. No yelling, no stomping feet, no jabs or "truth darts"

(which is a code word for insults with the goal of shutting up a spouse).

Just you setting a boundary calmly, and if it is crossed, it's you enforcing it.

Notice You are not telling her to "shut up!". You are not telling her what to do actually, at all. You are not labeling her behavior or blaming her.

You are telling her what YOU need and what You will do if an event occurs. "W, if we can't listen to each other, then it's unproductive. So I'll leave/go do my thing/ until we can be productive."

See the difference?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

If you worry that saying "W, I need you to let me finish" is telling her what to do (perhaps over thinking a bit, but anyhow...)

then modify it.

Say instead, that you "need to be heard" or "need to finish" the thought.

I know some of this ^ is semantics

but clarity is crucially important at this time. Keep the focus on your own behavior b/c it helps to know this for yourself anyhow.



Getting clarity on our ends is vital b/c we sure won't get any from them for a long time, if ever. But that is another topic...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I appreciate your suggestion lovely & joe.
I think my wife don't even concern about what respect what doesn't. She just has to go see him. She knew what she did hurt me badly but she can't stop. She is addicted.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Whether to continue hugging/connecting physically (or letting it lead to something more) is an intensely personal choice.

My DB coach said the concerns are 2 fold. SOME WAS's (or their affair partners)
really do risky behavior and you have to wonder about sexually transmitted diseases,

Second, how you feel afterwards. Do you feel closer, or sort of used?

Finally, what did you mean when you said you "ignored her" and "did not pay attention to her"? Was it you being complacent or neglectful or cold?

What would you wife say if she were here? And is the unrealistic parts of this (she and OM cannot live in the same country??) - does that make it "safer" for her, do you think?

Or is that going to change? OR is she going to just live under the same roof as you, as friends, and staying till your d14 leaves? I mean, without asking her, what do you think her "Plan" is??




I felt good when I hugged and kissed her. I can still feel the love, but it hurts me more when she has to go see OM later on. So, I stopped physical contact of any type with her since I posted this thread. I've never slept with anyone else since I got marriage with my wife, however, I slept with 3 different women this month and I will keep doing it until her affair ended. I'm not proud of it. I'm not happy about it. But I think by doing this will get me past the images of what my wife and OM are doing if we got a chance to get back together later.

Sometime, I think about it as a "Hall Pass" for both of us. Sometime, I think about it as it is her vagina she can do whatever to her organs, now she just go out and masterbate with the real penis.

When I look at her right now I don't see my wife anymore. I don't see her inner beauty, I don't see her physical appearance no more. I only see a poor woman that lost in a fantasy world of her own imagination.

By ignoring her and did not pay attention mean:
I was not the one who start the conversation. I talked no more than I have to. I answered her briefly. I was not sit around waiting for her actions I was not try to analys her feeling. I only care for her only when it comes to her safety or health.

From what my wife said earlier when I asked her if she could put anyone in any position what would she does:

She said: We will continue live together. No one has to know about OM. She will go meet her OM once in a while. May be every 2-3 months. After our daughter finish her high school in next 5 years, we will tell her about my wife's relationship. Get divorce. Split money, not 50/50 but more than enough for me to start over. However, if thing didn't work out between her and OM, she will come back to me and start working on the marriage again.

She also aware that by the time her affair ended, I might not love her anymore or may be found someone else already. "If we meant to be together we will be together again" she said.

It sounds selfish but like I said "If she could do anything she wants."

She is still love me I know it, I can feel it, but her feeling for me just has been blocked by her feeling on OM. OM got insecure from time to time because he knew that me and my wife are live and still doing thing together. They fight a lot about this matter too. I just have to find the way to destroy their affair wisely.

Me and my wife are building the new house together. It should be done by next year. I'm included in her plan. She want me stay if I could. OM also bought a condo here under my wife's name. He already made a down payment and he will wired money to her every month for monthly payment. So, she will have 2 houses next year.

Their affair won't last 5 years. They're not gonna make it. I knew my wife and I knew him(OM). I just have to treat this situation carefully without doing any more damage?

Is doing 180 enough for me?

I will keep on posting. You all are god to me.

Regards,


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Joined: Sep 2017
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I stopped reading her texts a while. However, OM will leave at the end of this week. I wanna know their plan so just a peep won't hurt. I think.

She can't drive to stay over night with him no more because everyone starts to question her as she never go anywhere without me before. OM told her that he will come to see my wife this Thursday before he fly on Friday. I want to accidentally make this meeting hard for her. I am trying to make plan with people around that date so she has to lie more before she can go.

Is this pursuing and not detaching? or, Should I just act like I don't know their plan?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Originally Posted By: anative
I stopped reading her texts a while. However, OM will leave at the end of this week. I wanna know their plan so just a peep won't hurt. I think.


I'm sorry, I don't know what this^^^ means.


She can't drive to stay over night with him no more because everyone starts to question her as she never go anywhere without me before. OM told her that he will come to see my wife this Thursday before he fly on Friday. I want to accidentally make this meeting hard for her.

If you want to set a boundary (and ONLY do this if you are going to enforce the boundary -) then do it.

What is with the "accidentally" making the meeting hard? Why not set a boundary like telling her you tell her you are going to leave her Or file for divorce

IF she goes to meet him,

OR ignore it and be the better choice?



I am trying to make plan with people around that date so she has to lie more before she can go.

I don't know what you mean. You want to set her up to lie?


Is this pursuing and not detaching? or, Should I just act like I don't know their plan?


well it is Not detaching. And you are taking action to obstruct their affair.

But I know that betrayal is very hard. And it's a very hard line to draw.

I just worry you are driving yourself nuts with trying to control the results here. Sometimes we have to let go to save ourselves and take a chance that our spouse will get it,

but if they don't, at least we won't be spinning anymore.

And to be fair, there are some important things for you to work on as a h. The more you work on those, the better you will be and feel, no matter what else She does.

Do you get that?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 57
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anative Offline OP
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Hi 25.

I'm sorry, I don't know what this^^^ means.


I read her text this morning to see what is her plan this week because it is OM's last week before he go back to USA.

What is with the "accidentally" making the meeting hard?

If I interfered my wife directly it'd be an argument. If I didn't do anything, it'd be like I allowed her. So, I guess this is why I feel like I have to do something to make this incoming meeting not easy for her by using other people or other situations.

Why not set a boundary like telling her you tell her you are going to leave her Or file for divorce. IF she goes to meet him, OR ignore it and be the better choice?

I don't want to end up D so I might have to forget about setting boundary because she will let me leave. I can answer this myself. I am better than her OM no matter in what standard. BUT...How can I be a better choice to my W's eyes because she didn't even put me in the choice??? She might see me as a choice again after she ended her affair first. Otherwise, she don't even bother consider.

So, the answer is ignore her affair. Isn't it?

If the only thing I can do to my wife that might safe my marriage is ignoring her affair, that what I'm gonna do.

I deeply appreciate you concern "25". Please don't give up on helping me. I know that sooner or later I will blow it and come back here to hear you say "I told you not to do!!!".

But, I will do my best.
Thanks


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Originally Posted By: anative
Hi 25.

I'm sorry, I don't know what this^^^ means.


I read her text this morning to see what is her plan this week because it is OM's last week before he go back to USA.

What is with the "accidentally" making the meeting hard?

If I interfered my wife directly it'd be an argument.

yes and it would look like you are trying to control her (which would be true).


If I didn't do anything, it'd be like I allowed her.


First, it's not for you "to allow" your adult wife to do anything. Not blocking her from her mistakes, is not the same as saying it's all fine. You are under the illusion it is up to you to "allow"

AND

Second, you also seem to think that IF she is not stopped, it means you are okay with all this?


- No she will never think that^^.


She's a grown woman. I know it stinks and I know how betrayal feels. (I get it.)

But you need to let go of the illusion that you control anything she does or says or thinks. Back off, and become the better choice - so that regardless of what she does or says, you are better off anyhow.

I am not clear on what you are doing to improve as a man. Hey, I am not saying that is easy or that you "should" have to compete.

It's not really a context even though it feels like one. But you did say your wife had reason to feel unhappy in the marriage.

And so when you pretend you have control over her, your focus is misplaced.

Do the work YOU NEED TO DO - on you & for YOU.

Learn and do what it takes to become a happy, healthy, strong man of faith & honor.

And when you know deep down, that you have done all the work you needed to do to become the man YOU want to be, the best YOU that you can be,

Then turn your marriage over to God & hold your head high.

Until that time^^ arrives, you have work to do

to control the only person in this situation whom you really can and should control - You.

The rest of this is just you angrily spinning, and that takes away the energy you COULD be spending on the real work here, the only work that matters, which is you becoming the man you were meant to become.



[/color]

I don't want to end up D so I might have to forget about setting boundary because she will let me leave. I can answer this myself.


^^ouch. I know that hurts.


I am better than her OM no matter in what standard. BUT...How can I be a better choice to my W's eyes because she didn't even put me in the choice???


well, in HER mind (which is all that matters for now)

she believes that being married to you was not happy and she did not imagine that it could be happy. Maybe she did not know there was "better out there", but when she met OM, she decided she'd be happier with him or she preferred how he treats her, etc.

The question NOW is how to you go forward to GAL, Detach and become more attractive b/c you move on and let her see that you are a good catch. Again, have you read the Div Busting of Div Remedy book? The book IS VITAL to read so you can get all the information you need.

These online boards are great but if you don't have the terminology or concepts really mastered, you will miss a lot.

IN MY OPINION, just my gut instinct and my experience with mothers who have had affairs but did not have a wife beater for a h

most women with children, would prefer making their marriages to the father of her children, work. Most want to feel deeply loved and valued by the man who she married and has a family with.

If that man is too angry to help her feel that way, the marriage ends. ALSO, spouses need to respect each other (or no one will feel valued). When a wife loses some of the respect she has for her h,

it undermines the marriage. Sometimes the respect factor is what the h needs to feel about himself (like if he loses his job and gets depressed and is negative, he has lost his own self respect and that spills over to the marriage. That is not really about HER

though it affects her choices and responses. Does this^^ make sense to you?

(I am only making a general point, not aiming it specifically at you).




She might see me as a choice again after she ended her affair first. Otherwise, she don't even bother consider.

This^^^ is backwards.

(When people say "end the A first" they mean telling the WAW "end the A first BEFORE we can Reconcile", ...but your wife does not (yet) want to reconcile so you cannot just wait for the A to end - and THEN then hope she looks your way

AND THEN hope you suddenly become the man of her dreams b/c THEN you will start the work you need to do now. ??


This would mean you wait around for her to end the A or you try to end it INSTEAD of doing the work you admit you need to do to become a better h.

She thinks she knows your qualities and flaws. And she prefers OM. (ouch, i know)

You have to show her that you are better than she realizes. (Or you are becoming better)
Don't wait for that to fizzle out and just sit there hoping you win the "Pick Me" dance.

Who were you when she fell in love with you? What were you like then? Get back to being THAT guy, or even better.

Stop putting all your focus on the A.

Put it ALL ON YOU b/c you must show her YOUR VALUE by believing in it, AND

by becoming the man you were meant to become.

You don't become the better choice by tearing him down, but by lifting yourself UP.




So, the answer is ignore her affair. Isn't it?

If the only thing I can do to my wife that might safe my marriage is ignoring her affair, that what I'm gonna do.

It is not exactly ignoring - it's you putting your energy where it can make a difference, i.e. in you.

And those who urge you to "make sure she ends it" are getting ahead of themselves. Your wife is not interested in working things out r right now.
She is not asking you to reconcile or trust her, etc. She is certainly not going to end it now.

SOME would argue "well, then kick her out b/c she's having an affair." While I understand that, you want the marriage to work out, you want this woman as your wife so as long as that is how you feel, then work on you

until if and when your wife wants to recommit. THEN we can deal with the departure of OM. Make sense?

IF & When she wants to reconcile (which is many steps away from now) then you make sure the Affair is over BEFORE YOU will recommit to marriage with her.


Meanwhile you are out GAL and Detaching and being mysterious b/c you have just realized what a great catch YOU ARE and you are happy to discover the interests and hobbies and friends and family you love and who love you.

Let her wonder why you are quietly confident and content now...

(BTW Have you read the "#7 Rules" Sandi assembled? (Not all apply but it's a good start for you to have around as a guide).


I deeply appreciate you concern "25". Please don't give up on helping me. I know that sooner or later I will blow it and come back here to hear you say "I told you not to do!!!".

But, I will do my best.
Thanks


I don't say things like that and neither would Sandi. We might wonder if our words were read, cool

but no rubbing your face in a painful error.


sidenote


I once asked my DB coach about the unfairness of these circumstances, and WAS not seeing consequences of their behaviors and the WAS 'cake eating', etc.

My DB coach said "25, to an extent all WAS's 'cake eat' by virtue of being here, b/c the WAS does not think they want to be married! The LBS does, so temporarily there will be cake eating.
In a restored marriage, later on, that won't continue."

DB coach also said "It is not the job of a spouse to 'teach a lesson!' to their partner. It is not the job of a spouse to 'show them the consequences of their bad choices".
.
Life teaches all of us lessons, Life gives out the consequences. So we can stop taking on that job,

b/c it never was our job.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Here -

"RULES" FOR DIVORCE BUSTING DB 37 RULES

I copied and pasted this, and held it in my pocket for months. I read them daily. You may want to do the same.

Sandi assembled them, based on MWD’s teachings and experience here. These are really GUIDELINES ONLY (Not all will apply to your situation, and if something does not work after you have given it enough time, then adjust).


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. That hurts your long term interests even if it feels good to complain about her.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay, regardless. Keep a good attitude.


13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. You are getting a little excited about your future.


18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back because your spouse will eventually realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected.
Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.


21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel & if were were great mind readers, we would not be here!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise and over drinking happens often, which is NOT going to help.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 57
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I'd like to tell you my background before all this happened.

I was a graduate student in USA while I got my wife pregnant. I worked part-time and sold stuffs on eBay. I made enough money for us three.

Unfortunately, we came back here, I worked with her family. I feel that nothing was mine. I started to look for another business opportunities for myself for us. Then, she told me, I don't have to look for anything else, this is our business together.

She was working very hard, raising my daughter, doing housework. She was so stress. I didn't help her much back then. I felt like living in the cage. I just want to get out, be independent. We fought a lot on the first 5 yrs.

5 yrs later I kinda got use to living in this safety cage. I stopped looking for anything else to do. Just stayed in business. We tried to have another kid. We went to the doctor and failed many time 'til we gave up.

Last five years was OK to me. However, she suffered the pain(bones problem) from trying to have a baby. I let her stay home, went to the doctor with my driver. I took care of business. However, she kept saying that she was getting tired of this business and she wanted out. She want to go live in USA. I ignored her complaint.

Then one day, she told me that I should find my own business. Be apart and she wanted to be in an open relationship.

This is some of her complaints

1. I never helped her anything on first 5yrs.
2. I wanted to have kid without caring about her health.
3. I didn't take her to see the doctor by myself.
4. I always take our daughter to every vacation.
5. People said, I'm looked younger than her.
6. My family don't love her.
7. I didn't find anything else to make more income.
8. I ignored her request of going to USA.
9. We see each other too much.
10. I cannot change. ETC....


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Joined: Sep 2017
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Here - "RULES" FOR DIVORCE BUSTING DB 37 RULES
(Not all will apply to your situation, and if something does not work after you have given it enough time, then adjust).


Quick question on the "RULES"

The only changed around the house is that we don't have sex no more. Everything else, she seems OK.

Let say, she will file a divorce sooner or later anyway.

Can I spend this time kiss, embrace, take care, have fun with her, make my daughter happy and forget about her A, while maintain the "GAL", "Detachment", and "RULES" ???

Not that I don't want to follow, I just want to clarify my thought.

Regards,


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted By: anative

Let say, she will file a divorce sooner or later anyway.

Can I spend this time kiss, embrace, take care, have fun with her, make my daughter happy and forget about her A, while maintain the "GAL", "Detachment", and "RULES" ???


There's something we call "cake-eating" around here, it's where a WAS wants to "have their cake and eat it too". Basically it means they want to keep living a family life with their LBS, but then they want to go off and have their exciting fling with OP as well. Typically when a WAS allows this to happen their situation goes into a long and painful (for them) limbo. So if you do that, your situation is unlikely to change or get better, you'll just get stuck in a rut where you are bending over backwards to make W happy while she remains perfectly content to keep engaging in an A.

So in DB'ing terms, we usually suggest people in your sitch do NOT kiss, embrace and do fun things with their affair partner. It's much better for you to cut her off as much as possible and get out and get a life independent of her. Make it clear to her through your actions that you're not going to sit idly by being plan B for her. Show her what she is missing- a fun, happy, busy you.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
So in DB'ing terms, we usually suggest people in your sitch do NOT kiss, embrace and do fun things with their affair partner. It's much better for you to cut her off as much as possible and get out and get a life independent of her. Make it clear to her through your actions that you're not going to sit idly by being plan B for her. Show her what she is missing- a fun, happy, busy you.


Loud & clear.
Thank you so much.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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be careful to be warm and pleasant

and not cold or punitive. See, I have a quibble with the approach of "not letting them cake eat" b/c all WAS cake eat at first.

They want out of the m and we want it to remain (I'm quoting my DB coach, not just blurting this out).

But from what you are saying here, it's as if she wants to file but just not yet.

And you do need to do 180's, like helping around the house, and with the d.

As for things she is upset about from 5 years ago, if it's not happening now,

I would tell her

"W, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently" and move on to the present.

What matters now is what is happening now.

As for your wife's bone pain, I'm sorry but I don't see how that is related to infertility treatments, NOW.

In other words, has she gotten a decent medical exam?

And can you move to the USA for you and your D, (regardless of what your w plans)?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
But from what you are saying here, it's as if she wants to file but just not yet.

They are not ready to be completely together yet. Also, my wife can't give up what she has now easily. Family, business, and daughter are still her concern. Plus, she want me to stick around as a business partner if I could. I feel like deep down inside, she just like the feeling of being in love again that all.


I would tell her

"W, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently" and move on to the present.

I tried that many time already. She said "Too little too late". She has already in a new relationship and she doesn't want to go back.

As for your wife's bone pain, I'm sorry but I don't see how that is related to infertility treatments.

In order to do In-Vitro-Fertilization, she has to inject some medicine to adjust her hormone which effect her bone mass and bone strength. But she is getting better now. Thank you 25 : )

And can you move to the USA for you and your D, (regardless of what your w plans)?

Me and my daughter are US citizen. If I want to move to USA, I have to find some business to do first.

However, my daughter will go to high school in USA in 2 years which is perfect excuse for my wife to go meet her OM if they are still together.



H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her.)

Can I start the conversation first and talk about fun stuffs when my daughter is around on the weekend? My daughter is starting to guess about what happen to me and my wife.


19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only SHOW your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with.

Again, Can I include my wife in the activities when doing things with my daughter? Or I can just show her how happy I am with my daughter?


THANK YOU.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Can I start the conversation first and talk about fun stuffs when my daughter is around on the weekend? My daughter is starting to guess about what happen to me and my wife.


You can talk to your daughter more and involve her in your activities. Talking to your wife and initiating conversations may seem you are desperate about hiding anything from d. just be warm, polite and respectful to her alwats and dont burden yourself with initiating conversations. Don't act to cover up anything because you are not the one who is responsible for causing this situation. I avoid saying you are not guilty because you are now equally guilty because you are sleeping around too. You don't have to make yourself dirty because someone else is dirty. If you are a principled person stick to them and stooping to her level and sleeping around only takes away your self worth. You are responsible for your actions and there a consequences to your health both mentally and physically. Remember condoms are not fool proof because there is still skin contact (diseases like hepatitis B, genital herpes and genital watts can be contracted). If you contract any disease from sleeping with women can you live with it?





Again, Can I include my wife in the activities when doing things with my daughter? Or I can just show her how happy I am with my daughter?


Try to be happy with your daughter alone. Don't try to involve her BUT if she asks to join don't stop her. Try to GAL and show her you are content and happy.
Those things she complained about make sure to assess them and do a self assessment of any other areas you lack.


M 11 Dated for 4 years before then
Me 35 H 39
D 10
BD Feb 2016
A 2015 Dec
I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately
I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
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Hello.
I want to update what happen this past weekend.
On Saturday, We didn't talk much during the day. I took my daughter to music school. My wife texted me that she want to wait until me and my daughter get back to go have lunch together. Also, she asked us two to go see movie with her. However, my daughter had many homework so we only had lunch together. Later that day, my wife said she want to go dinner some place nice. So, we all went. My wife was being talkative. She touched me sometime when she got excited on her story. Anyway, I just be there and listen, talk very little. Then we went home and sleep in saperate room.

Today, I left home early to work. She took my daughter to mudic school. After my daughter got back she asked my wife if she wanna come have lunch with us. My wife said no. While we were having lunch my wife texted me which restaurant we went. Then she texted me again said "Good, you will get used to". I didn't know what was her point but I didn't repled. Again at dinner, my daughter asked if she was hungry. She said no. So, me and my daughter got two order of take out food. She seem upset. But I didn't show her that I noticed.

Tomorrow, she will go see her OM for the last day. I didn't talk to her about this. I don't know, if I'm on the right track of "Detach" and Is this what suppose to happen?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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I don't think there is a "supposed to happen" scenario.




I do believe you are looking to get your wife to notice small short lived things. And that will become very frustrating for you

and you are decreasing the chances of her noticing any change b/c you are only doing them to get her to notice

which means they are not actual changes in you. Just "tactics" to get her back.

Forget the dating while you are still married under the same roof. That is so reactive and retaliatory and it will absolutely not help you get a recon

LATER ON when your w sees your confidence or that other women notice you, it may help

and it will help YOU get your confidence back too. But that's so far down the road

you seem to be spinning a lot, hoping a 2 day time period changes her course.

Stop the spinning. Are you GAL at all?

And have you gotten either the Div Busting book or the Divorce Remedy book?

They are very helpful and will clarify a lot of your questions. Do read one of them.


What are the activities or classes or musical instruments or languages or sports or volunteer activities or places

you are interested in? Start checking them out and begin to GAL b/c that will help you stay sane

and it will also help you detach (stay sane) and

it will help you bring more to the table as a partner (for someone, whether it's your wife or not.)


Hang in there


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Right after I finished last post (before I read yours, of course). My wife said that we need to talk.
She asked me if I'm seeing anyone as she saw me spent time on Iphone and computer more than usual. She said

- It seemed like I've moved on because I didn't invited her to join any activities in last two day.
- She want to pay me for working with her for 15 yrs and also the salary from now on(as a business partner).
- She will come to store less because she feel rejected around me.
- Thank you for make it easy for her to make up her mind.
- I've never talked to her to try to solve the problems. Always left her guess my actions like I always do.
- I acted quiet and ignored her like I used to this was why we broke up.(She cried when she said this one)


I told her: I can't be happy with her one day and watch her walk away to OM the next day over and over again no more. BTW, This is what she want in the first place, Isn't she? Me stepping aside?

Then she asked me what would I want in our relationship from now.

I told her: I wasn't a good H. I accepted it. I hurt her feeling a lot in the past, sometime I meant it (stubbornness) sometime I didn't. If I can do it all over again, I definitely will do it differently. However, my chance has passed me by because you are in the new relationship now. So, I will be here take care our business, our daughter. And wish that one day I will have a chance to make it all up to you again. She was crying very loud when I said this.

I also told her: I haven't seen anyone. I just read some of the article that help me get over the break up through the internet.

After I finished this sentence, she told me that I should get some sleep because I have a 3 hrs drive my daughter to school early morning tomorrow. We haven't talk since. (She is with OM as I speak)

Quote:
Are you GAL at all?

Our store is open 7 days/week from 10-10. So I don't have much time GAL. However , I go to the gym almost everyday. It is not healthy, I knew.

Quote:
Have you gotten either the Div Busting book or the Divorce Remedy book?

I read "DR" 3 times already.

I am not sure if I said it right or I shouldn't say it like this.

From scale 1 to 10. If I were 5 before this conversation with my wife last night. Do you think where am I now?

confused confused confused


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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A native,

Everything was good. The only part you should of left out was, " And wish that one day I will have a chance to make it all up to you again. ".

She must think you are moving on for good.

All her comments were excuses for what she really wants to do.

Now it's time to detach and GAL.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Hi.
I’d like to update my situation. Her OM went back to US last Tuesday. I started detaching since last Monday as soon as my daughter left.

Not even past 24 hrs. , my wife came talk to me she can’t stand me acting like this. If I continue acting distantly, she will not go to Japan trip on October. We planned this trip six months ago, my daughter is very excited about this trip. I told her that I needed my space too. Sorry if that make you uncomfortable. So, after that conversation I try to interact with her a little more just to get past the upcoming trip. She seemed happier. The thing confuses me is that she is now the one text me when I’m not around, asked me to have lunch or go shopping with her. I knew this might be a test. So, I didn’t get excited about it. I went if I was hungry too and went if I have sth to buy.

One night, she came to me told me that she had a headache, she is very sorry about what happened. Thing between us seem to go to the right direction but she gave up my love for too long. She wish that we were like this before this might not happen. I just listened to her without saying a single word and went back to sleep.

Last Friday, while I was driving from picking up my daughter with my wife, she texted her OM back and forth for 20 mins. I pulled over at the gas station and sat outside the car drinking coffee for almost 30 mins. She came out to me ask what’s wrong. I told her if she want to text or talk to OM don’t do it in my car or our bedroom. I got in and drove home without talking to her til the end of the day.

Any suggestion on what should I do next? Please....


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Nothing much in past 10 days. We went to work, had lunch and dinner separately mostly, slept in different room. However, we had conversations at work but not a lot like used to.

She asked me to take a walk or go shopping with her almost everyday(I went sometime). She touched me when talked to me. When I went somewhere she asked to join. She looked at my Facebook to see if I talk to anyone. Also, if I spent money buying things she asked if I spent it for s.o.

However, she is still texting and talking to OM.

Why is she doing this?
Why is she concerning about me?
Is she picking the side? or she wants to keep both for now?

We all will go to Japan next week for a week. I don't want to ruin it. So, I will do what works for now. But after this trip...I don't know.

Please give me strength to stay in this game. Sometime I wonder what the he** am I doing here? I am doing thing that most people don't. I feel like I could give up anytime.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Originally Posted By: anative

However, she is still texting and talking to OM.

Why is she doing this?
Why is she concerning about me?
Is she picking the side? or she wants to keep both for now?


Yes she wants to keep both. We call it "cake-eating". She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Have her home family life and also have her exciting fling with OM.

Quote:
We all will go to Japan next week for a week. I don't want to ruin it. So, I will do what works for now. But after this trip...I don't know.


Understood. After the trip you should consider completely going dark on her. Tell her you know she's still in communication with OM and that is not acceptable to you and you do not want to have anything to do with her unless and until she ends it with OM. Then cut her out of your life as much as possible. It will be difficult, but it will be much better for you than living in limbo. And it may eventually save your M.

Quote:
Please give me strength to stay in this game. Sometime I wonder what the he** am I doing here? I am doing thing that most people don't. I feel like I could give up anytime.


Hang in there and keep posting! You are doing fine!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Japan trip went well. We had a great family time together. My W hardly contact OM while we were there.

After coming back from Japan, OM texted and blamed my W that this trip was unacceptable to him. He felt left out. He wants to be her #1. So, he stopped contact my W for couple days. I could tell that my W was very suffer. My W told me if OM couldn’t understand that she has to have time with family then maybe their relationship will not work. Later on, They texted again but not often like they used to.

two weeks ago. My W said to me she want to be by herself for now. She didn’t want to be with either. She wants to be alone to think and also wants me to think of what went wrong in our R. If we got a chance to be back together again she wants it to last forever. She wants me to leave the house on weekdays and come back with our daughter on weekend.

I did that on first week because I had sth. to do out of town. She was the one texting and calling me every day while I was away. However, I found out she was still contact OM as well(CCTV). I didn’t leave the house the week after because it didn’t seem like she was working on us. She talked to OM a lot again while I was away. Anyway, I was with her the whole past week taking care of her bone pain.

Then, this morning I came out from shower saw her crying on her phone. She said that OM broke up with her for real now and this time she won’t contact him back anymore. She is sicking tried of hiding his calls and fighting with him about her situations. Again, she told me to leave for weekdays. She will tell her parent that we need a break. What should I do? Her house…BTW.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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One more thing, many suggestions told that we should do "no contact", "ignore", "detach".

My wife told me we have marriage problem because I did those things. Why would doing them again would safe my marriage this time?

No offense.
Regards,


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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A native,

You do have a plan B. Its "You". Choose you, learn to love and respect yourself and you will stop letting others disrespect you including your W.

Stay strong and enjoy Japan. Or you going to Tokyo or some other city?

You need to take yourself away as an option. And let go. Let your wife know what it's like not to have you as an option. No more walks and shopping together. Can you work somewhere else?


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thank you Joe,

We had 3 hrs drive to pick up my dsughter together this morning. My wife was crying first half way, then she started to talk. She said OM just broke up with her. She blamed on me. Now she doesn’t want me to come home with her. She will drive home with my daughter. She said OM is out of the picture for good. However, she wants to end with me too. It seems like everything happened because of me and I’m the one who need to be forgiven.

Now, I’m at my parent’s. She’s driving back home with my D. She will have S.O. bring my cloths and my stuffs on Monday. I’m expecting many calls from her parent tonight. I don’t want to think ahead. Just wait and Let’s see what’s next. May be this is finally time to GAL and detach. Any better way? Please suggest?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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Originally Posted By: anative
She said OM just broke up with her. She blamed on me. Now she doesn’t want me to come home with her.


Look man, she has zero respect for you right now. You want to start to get it back? Tell her you are not leaving the house. She wants out she leaves not you.

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Do not allow her to put you out of the home. If she wants to leave, then allow her to go blaming you. But W needs to eventually realize there are consequences for her actions. One being put out the home. What does it look like her cheating, but kicking you out of the home? In what bizarro world does this happen?


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She will not be the one who leave because it is her house and her business. If I go back again, there will be no different. Stay at her house, work at her shop. She will have to see my face that she hate everyday, there will be argument again and again. She will never be able to think about remorse of what she did.

I think I need to show that I can be independent as a man. She also needs to feel life without me. We used to be 24/7 for 15yrs even she said she didn’t want to see me, I think she will miss me no less. I want to use this opportunity to develop some of my parent properties to put it for rent or sale. May be I will have sth to put on the table if we get back together.

If what she said that she won’t contact OM no more is TRUE, I think being apart is worth trying.

The thing I’m worry about is how to explain it to my daughter.

Please fix my thought if I’m wrong...


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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I guess I don't understand how it's her house if you are married?

What does Sth to put back on the table mean?

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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
begin to GAL b/c that will help you stay sane

and it will also help you detach (stay sane) and

it will help you bring more to the table as a partner (for someone, whether it's your wife or not.)

I think he gave up on me now but this is what he said.


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Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
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OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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A native,

I think you are already bringing a lot to the table. I agree with taking sometime to yourself. I don't think you are in the US, so I dont know the rules/lawsof the country you are located in. But in the US, the home is communinal property if you are married. No S has more rights over the home than the other.

But giving your W space and you detaching is what you need to do at the point. She's angry and you are an easy target for her now. Let her wallow in her mess she made. You aren't to blame for OM breaking up with her and you need to ensure you state that firmly. If she tries to blame you again, you say "whatever happened between you and him is/was your problem, don't associate me with that Sitch ever". And don't bring it up again, if she gets irate, walk away. Create your boundary of not being disrespected or being yelled at.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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While I am here, I still keep in touch with my daughter. I told her I stay for business. She is having an exam next week. So, I might tell her the truth after.

I haven’t told my parent about her affair though. I just told them that my W acting crazy because of MLC. She might have not told her parent either. Otherwise, they should call me.

I can see her through CCTV from my phone and I secretly have her cousin who knows my story (work at the shop) keep an eye on her.


Should I make any contact with my wife? Or I should disappear completely?
If so, for how long? In Sandi’s rules, said that after the affair is ended I should stick around.

Do keep busy. Going out some is fine but once you get what you believe is "no contact" and they are in withdrawal, you want to stick to them like glue (in a non-obstrussive manner). It's fairly easy because once the affair ends, they generally behaved like a depressed teenager and without the constant text messaging and face timing, they have tons of extra free time on their hands but little desire to leave the couch/house. Stick around for a bit and try, best you can, to occupy their time and just be around while not hounding them or forcing conversations. Just be around, picking up the slack while they actually grieve the end of their affair. Too much idle time leads to them feeling further neglected and starving for attention. They will surely either reach out to OM or look for a surrogate (like another OM, or Facebook, or blogging, or wherever they can escape and get some of their needs met).


???


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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A native,

Can you prove she isn't talking to the OM. Also, the OM broke up with her. You still are not her first option. You have to gain your respect and become attractive in her eyes. You have to make yourself a person only a fool would leave.

IMO, this a tough one. If you stick around, you will have to still give her space and let her come to you. You don't need to follow her around. Just be there, leave her be, and if and when she is ready to talk she will seek you out. She will try to pick fights with you, you have to be ready to not react to nothing she does to try and get a reaction out of you.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

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Yesterday, she texted me about work 2-3 times, nothing personal.

3 am today : The driver drove my W & D to school. After drop of my D, she got off somewhere and had the driver brought my stuff to me. Now, she is heading back home.

She hasn’t told anyone the real reason of my absent yet.
This month is the busiest time of the year. We usually go out to buy gift for our customers, decorated the shop and plan the activities for new year together. It is a lot of work to do them all by herself.

I wish I could read her mind that she really want me to stay away for real or she want to test me if I care enough to go back for help without her asking. Any woman‘s opinions on how was her brain wired.?

Also even she said she stopped contacting OM, I can’t be so sure. Should I worry?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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She called me yesterday while I was working on renovated my parent’s old building to put for rent.

She ,sounds very delightful, asked me if I was busy to talk. I said No. She asked me where I was, with whom, and asked about the renovated. Then she told me her plan for the customer for the new year.

I didn’t ask her how she’s doing, she didn’t ask me either.

From the sound of her voice, I could tell that she miss me. However, I heard this kind of sound of her voice before. It usually happen right after she finished talking to OM then felt bad for me that was lonely hurt.

BTW. My insider told me that she was hardly on the phone lately. Hope this time is for real.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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No one respond my thread for a while, so I am spending time to read Squiggy’s. It is very similar to my situation. I wish I could handle my situation like him sooner.

Anyway; I will pick up my D tomorrow and drive back to the house. I will stay there for the weekend to clear my works at the shop. Then I will drive my D to school again on Monday. I will try to stay detached while I’m around my wife on the weekend.

My W will go to Korea for 5 days next week with 5 girlfriends(no OM). Should I take care and watch the shop for her while she’s away? or I should ignore it??? I’m sure she has assigned s.o. already but still no one can do a perfect job than me. I feel like I want to help her get things ready for new year while she’s away but I am not sure that it is a good idea or not in this situation.

“It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!”(Sandi)

Please advice.
Thank you in advance.


H43/W43/OM52
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Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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No you shouldn't watch her shop. If things go bad its her fault. She decided to take a trip at such a busy time. It's no longer your concern. Go enjoy yourself while shes on her trip. She needs to understand what life without you means.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
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It is getting worse.

My W call me from Korea crying because OM has blocked her text and call.
She was very upset. She came back home 2 days ago. Last night, she said it was all my false that make OM left her. She said I never leave her like she asked for and now she lost OM b/c he can’t stand the situation.

I am out of town to work on my properties. She just called me that she will book a ticket to US to see OM, to apologies to him and hope that OM will accept her sorry.

If everything goes well she will come back, get divorce, and tell everyone about OM.

What am I gonna do now? I’m so freaking out right now?
I don’t think I can let her go to US w/o doing nothing this time. I was trying to be patience for her coming back and for my daughter. But this time, should I say enough to myself. Should I go tell her & my parents about her behavior? (May be her friend and employee as well) Is this the real ending?

I really need your thought. Thank you.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
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First of all, don't panic. That's going to make everything else worse.

There will be those who say expose (i.e. tell everyone) and others who say this is punitive and doesn't help things and instead pushes the WAS away.

I did a sort of exposure, which backfired on me because the society I live in doesn't seem to condemn adultery anymore. People didn't want to take sides - they just wanted to plaster happy smiles and go along like they always did.

My personal advice is not to do anything that will make things worse. She's blaming you for what's happening with OM. If you expose, will she become angrier and vilify you more? Those who support affair exposure will say that this is a temporary state of affairs and she's more likely to end the affair.

I have tried to break up WH and his OW a few times. Each time they wobble but they never break up. It's like the night of the living dead. I think, in fact, in the early days when I was really fighting for him, the OW loved the drama and the excitment and the more I fought for him, the more WH had value in her eyes. I feel, in my case, if I had gone, 'Meh - you can have the lying cheating scum', she might have not been so keen.

I am still tempted to try to do things to break them up. But in the end I feel the WAS should come back willingly. Otherwise you will always be looking at them out of the corner of your eye, wondering if they're really 'with' you or faking it.

I would say something like 'OK, if you want to go, you're free to go. Sorry you're having problems with OM (while mentally thinking: if you didn't want such drama then don't have an affair). Wish you all the best.'

Then, disappear. Time to stop pursuit.


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Anative,

Don't worry yourself. You don't know why OM broke up with her. He might have OW. He might of gotten tired of her personality. He might of just wanted to be free of your W. Youbdont know. She is looking for slime one to blame and you are the easiest target. Leave her be. Don't involve yourself in her relationship with OM.

Back away and let her go. If you try and stop her what you think she's going to say then? That you got her way of happiness. Get oit of way and let her deal with reality.

You are doing good by leaving her store.

And don't take the blame she is throwing your way. Its hers to deal with.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Wow. Thank you 2016 & joe,
Your responds just came on time. I’m on my way home to talk to W’s dad. I was thinking about hiding (maybe burning) her passport as well. You are right, she has to stop A from her own will. Otherwise, I won’t be able to close my eyes at my sleep.

Reading your comments really change my mind. I won’t stop her no more. She can go all the way. I have nothing more to loss. I will not take a blame for interrupting and not making her happiness again. I will not make any excuse for her go. I will stop wanting her back. Enjoy spending time with my daughter.

Her A won’t be leaked from me, however, I won’t cover it for her either.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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Great decision. Let her go! And GAL and live your life.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
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I came home that night. Went straight to shower and watched TV.
She asked me "I am booking the ticket to USA, Aren't you gonna say anything?"

I said "I spent 4 hrs on the bus thinking of what to do. I came up with the idea of letting you go then the bus arrived before I can think of anything else. So, I will let you go, then after that I will let you know if anything come up."

Next day, she spent almost 2 hrs tried to find the ticket. Finally, she got it for $2800 from 18th to 26th of December.

At the same night, she went to bed, I was in the living room watching sth funny on Youtube. She came out said that my life seem to be OK w/o her, why am I still want to stick around?

I said, I just live my life just like what you did, I suffered enough already, now it feels great that I let you go. So, please don't worry about me and go to US. After that, she told me that she never want to go but she think it was her false that OM broke up which her and she just want to apologize in person. She asked for my suggestion. I said "I can't answer it for you. You won't get the answer you want to hear from me."

The next morning (15th), we went out of town. she got her hair done, tattoo her eyes brow,painted her nail. After she finished everything, she told me that she wanted to cancel the ticket. ?????????? Then she called the airline and cancel it in front of me. ????? then at night, she asked me to go have dinner at the 54th fl roof top restaurant. Nothing much, just a good time.

Today is 19th, I don't know her real situation with OM. Her emotions is up and down lately. Try to pick a fight sometime. However, She seems lonely and didn't talk much.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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A native,

Back away and give her some space. But don't go too far. Be there to listen when she is ready to talk. Dont approach her to start any conversation.

She is confused, give her some time and space to clear her head.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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I've realised you are from the same country as me.

I've been away for 16 years now so have become more 'ang moh'ed' but I still will do my best to give you any help as someone who understands the culture from where you are.

First of all, anything Joejoe says, just do. He's managed to turn his sitch around, which is a ringing endorsement and I think has a fantastic handle on loving detachment, which I still can't get right after a solid year on the boards.

Second, treat this as a golden window of opportunity. I realise now, looking back, that my WH was confused for a couple of months. I DB'ed for some of it, but when I experienced BD3 I lost it and lashed out, which tipped him over the edge. This is a very delicate time. No one can promise you an outcome but at least if the worst should happen you can look back knowing you did everything right, which will give you peace. I don't have that peace.

If you haven't read the cheat sheet on validation already, study it now:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Be your best self, and don't stress her out with talk about the A or your R. Let her come to you. Don't be cold while you're GAL, which I struggled with. Define what it means to be your best self - break it down. It doesn't mean being a doormat for her - it means being a healthy, loving, firm man who respects himself and the others round him. All women want a man they can respect - but not fear. This is an opportunity not only for your R, but for you yourself.


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Clarification: I am from the country where you had dinner with your W, the 54th floor. You mentioned this is out of town for you so we may not be compatriots but at least we will be neighbours.


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Thank you Joe&2016. Your advices really flip the coin.

Lately, every time she got a chance she will bring the issue that I clicked "LIKE" on another girls on Facebook and she think I was talking to some women. (I normally don't do Facebook but one web site advice to put some fun pictures and add some pretty women on Facebook to bring more attention to my wife. It brought her attention though. However, she really upset about it more than envy.)

She said she didn't feel comfortable when she saw me on Iphone or computer. Hitting "LIKE" on Facebook is nothing compare to what she did with OM. However, I deleted the Facebook account anyway. I don't want her to use it against me. Then she can stop worrying about my issue and focus on herself's.

Today is our 16th year anniversary. I hugged and kissed her before I left to work. I didn't remind her what for though.

***2016, I live 3 hrs away from "C. Grand building" but I don't understand word 'ang moh'ed'. So, I think our country is next to each other. *** Thank you neighbor : )


H43/W43/OM52
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Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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Anative,

Why are you hugging and kissing her? She's in love with OM. So what if it's your anniversary, she stills feel the same way about OM. Don't honor your M during a time like this.

Why are you trying to make her jealous. That makes you look weak, she know you are trying to make her jealous, because now after she has complained you deleted the FB account. Stop trying to make her jealous. If you DB the right way she will become jealous automatically and you won't be faking. GAL and live your life. When she notice you are living an awesome life she will become jealous and not because of any other woman she might think you are with, but because she is losing out on a great person and man(Anative 2.0).


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

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Originally Posted By: anative
...one web site advice to put some fun pictures and add some pretty women on Facebook to bring more attention to my wife.

I've learned a lot about relationships in the last year and I feel confident enough now to say this is TERRIBLE advice. It may have been something a 13 year old has written, or someone mentally equivalent to a 13 year old. Who needs this kind of drama? You've definitely done the right thing by removing the account and I would steer clear of trying to make her jealous again.

I get a lot of advice from well meaning friends who say I should start dating and rub it into my WH's face. It's worked for them before. And I can understand why. It brings to the fore a sense of loss when you watch someone move on, even if you don't want to be with them anymore. I've decided against this tactic because I don't want to play games and if WH ever decided to come back, I would want it to be for ME, and not because I messed with his psyche and manipulated his feelings of loss. Because in the latter case it wouldn't be built on a solid foundation.

Those that find ourselves on this forum have had their lives collapse around them, or find themselves in the process of collapsing. In all cases we must rebuild, so let's rebuild on something true, honest and healthy. I think you're starting to do that already, and I am trying to everyday.


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Anative,

2016 just gave some of the best advice you can get. Everything you do from now on has to be for you and not for your W. You should not try to manipulate back into your life. The foundation has to be solid for you'll relationship to last and if you are playing i'm going to make you jealous game it will weaken your stance. Stand strong for your M by being a man.

You want your W to be with you because she wants to be with you and not because she thinks somebody else wants to be with you.

You have made some huge strides like 2016 has said. Onward and Forward.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: joejoe1
Why are you hugging and kissing her? She's in love with OM.
I kissed her forehead and embraced her like a friend support each other, nothing more. But, I get your point, it won't happen again.

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
Why are you trying to make her jealous. .
Like I said, before I found this DB web site, I was googling around and found that suggestion. It didn't work for my W, only made thing worse.


Yesterday, everything seemed to be ok. Three of us spent the day as usually. Me with my D or my W with my D. We didn't interact with each other much. Said no more than we have to.

Then at night, my W put on the dress she will wear for the next day. She walked out the closet and asked me and my D for opinion. My daughter and I suggested that she overdressed. She got so mad(at me mostly), undressed, went to sleep.

She texted me "I don't want you to stay here. I'm not happy. Please take all you need and leave." I didn't reply though.

At late night I heard her crying. So, I went in the bedroom and sit with her but we did't have any conversation at all until she stopped crying then I went back to bed. I guess I didn't do pursuing last night, I just want to make sure she didn't do stupid thing to herself.

Tomorrow, we all will go to Hong Kong for 3 day. Time to make my D happy again. However, I will detach as much as I can.

Do I have to be happy(or feel nothing) no matter what my W is feeling(especially sad)?

I just want to make sure I do the right thing next time.
Thank you.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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Anative,

Happiness is what we want. Joy is what we need. And grace is what we are given. So you need to be happy so you D will be happy. If you walk around miserable you are going make the trip for your D a horrible memory. You are the lighthouse. Strong, steady. Your foundation must be solid. By doing this your D always know where to come, no matter what situation shes in.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Hong Kong trip was good. we don't have any disagreement or any fight. My D had a great time, we all did actually. She cried on the first night while she thought I was already sleeping though.

Again, when my daughter is not around,

Do I have to be happy(or feel nothing) no matter what my W is feeling(especially sad)?

Will I be a heartless, careless person and make thing worst, if I ignore her sadness? or this is how it work on this process.

She is not on her phone texting like she used to. I believe OM still hasn't contact her but not 100% sure?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
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I think, reading your post a couple of times, you are struggling with the same concept I struggle with, which is loving detachment.

Sorry, am not going to be much help here, but will try, hopefully one of the vets will pick this up. Or shout out to Joejoe again - I remember him having an extremely good take on it. Maybe read his thread from start to finish?

My take on it is that you shouldn't ignore her if she's feeling sad because that would be cruel. You profess to love this woman so if she's suffering, to stand aloof and disinterested would be hurtful to her. But at the same time you don't want to be jumping around her like a puppy and have it look like her mood affects your mood. I would say treat her like a friend, but not a very close friend, at this stage - does that make sense? So don't let her mood get you down, be your best self, show her there's more to your life than her in it, be relaxed and cool and not stressed by what may or may not be happening with her and OM.

There's a lot of advice about how LBHs should treat WWs and I'm not sure what to say about this. It's quite a specific approach.


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I think it would be helpful if you could describe how she's acting sad. Is she moping around, being dejected, quiet etc, or is she actively telling you she's upset?


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Originally Posted By: 2016sux
I think it would be helpful if you could describe how she's acting sad. Is she moping around, being dejected, quiet etc, or is she actively telling you she's upset?

She feel sad that OM haven't contacted her no more and she's blaming me for it. She want me to leave the house and go stay at my parent's on the weekdays and come back with my D for the weekend. She doesn't want to see me around. She will give money for me to start any business I want. She also said if I won't leave she will lease our store and be the one who leave.

Her emotions can be up and down anytime. I am not depended on her emotion no more. The only concern for me right now is my daughter as she has no idea what happen to her mother. She asked me why mom is so quite and try to pick a fight with me all the time. Should I leave like she asked to avoid the conflict? or should I stay here and stay calm as long as I can because there are still some good times left too?


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M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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Anative,

What good times? There are no good times right now. IMHO, you now have to do whats best for you and your daughter.

So if leaving and opening your own business is better, I think you should do that. That woman is not your W. She is wallowing over OM and blaming you for their break up.

You still haven't detached. You need to let your W be and complete her own journey. She needs time and space away from you. You need time and space away from her.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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If I choose to leave, it will suffer my daughter, she will know that me and my wife has a serious issue. Moreover, my culture is different than what you have in US, ,even we have a new family, we are still not indepentdent as we suppose to. I hope you understand. Both side of our family will want to get a detail of me moving out. Just tell them, we don’t love each other any more is unreasonable and doesn’t make enought sense to them. They will suspicious of the infidelity, which if they knew, things might get worse. May be she won’t be able to want to reconcile anymore because she lose face to the whole family and may be everyone else around too.

Don’t get me wrong. Not that I don’t want to follow your advice. I just want to clarify my situation before I go to the big step.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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I come from a cultural background where what you have said would also apply. I understand the challenges in you moving out and what that might signal to the full family and her having to then own up to what she did.

So, in this case, what are some steps that you can take for yourself right now? If moving out might not be the most optimal option, then what can you do?

Can you still start your own business and start living your life while remaining in the same house? A new business is easier to explain to the rest of the family.

I am not a supporter of an in house separation, but in your case with the added cultural context, it might make sense to do that. But, if you decide that route, you have to truly live your life and not give a f#ck what she does. You have to really DB and not look back. But again, this will be a temporary solution and I would put a time limit on it. Ultimately you will have to move out if things don't change and then you might be in a better place to explain to the rest of the family.

So, the question is not what will bring your W back right now. The question is, what are you comfortable with at the moment? She will have to face embarrassment at some point with the family - either it's now or it's later.

The answer should come from what will bring you peace and a better state of mind. Not whether that this decision will affect her or not. Actions have consequences and she needs to feel the impact of those consequences.

Make the decision for you, not what will be easier for her.


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Thank you Maika. I get the ideas of how I should live my life more and more every time someone reply me. I am getting better everyday now. However, my wife's never let me detached or GAL peacefully. She said, "You can be happy without me, why stay? Why?!?!?!?"

2 days ago, I drove my D to boarding school with my W. On our way back, my W started conversation and made it 3 hrs straight while I was driving. To make a long story short, she blamed me on the same old stories. And, she wants me to leave.

OM told her before he left last time that he will come see her on February to get the answer of which one she choose. She wants a solution on what I will plan to do, so she can plan hers. Right now, OM has stopped contacting her and if OM found out that we are still living together or still don't have any solutions, she may lose OM again for good.

I didn't have the answer for her. I told her, "You never asked me before you have an A, you've never stopped when I asked you to. So, you do whatever you want". Before we got home, she said that she will tell her parent right away that we have a problem and will live separately. She will also tell her parent about her A too if she has to. However, she didn't tell them anything that night. Not yet.

Tomorrow, she will go to Taiwan with her parent for 5 days. I want time to think. I told her I will let her know whatever I decide when she come back. (I want to get some opinions from this board before I make a statement to W.)

The question is; If I'm not leaving, what should I say to W that is not making me needy, pursue or whatever that I'm not supposed to? I will detach, I will GAL and I will stay. (W goes see OM, doesn't make me angry much anymore. Part of me said that I'm enough with this woman. I just really care for my D's feeling if we get separated.) Please help me create the sentence to say to my W.

BTW, W snooped on my phone a couple time, I think she wants to know if I talk to any women to use it against me.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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Anative,

To be honest, I don't know what you want. It's going to be hard to help you create a sentence, because, I can't tell if you are still trying to fight for your M or you are letting it all go. You are not DBing. You are just going with the flow. You haven't use much of the advice the board has given you.

You never update on what you GAL, 180s, and validations were. Every post you write, it's about what your W has said or what she is going to do in the Future.

What do you want to do? You W is in love with OM. Let her go. If you want a chance to get her back. Let her go!!!!!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: joejoe1
To be honest, I don't know what you want. It's going to be hard to help you create a sentence, because, I can't tell if you are still trying to fight for your M or you are letting it all go. You are not DBing. You are just going with the flow. You haven't use much of the advice the board has given you.

I want my family back Joe. But, it will be so hard to "in house detached" watch her call, text or even see OM without feeling like a doormat. You are right about going with the flow. Yes, I am. This is why I need the word to make it clear on what I am going to do with my life then she will stop interrupting me or thinking that I manipulate her. I can't just do it because without telling created the problem at the first place.

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
You never update on what you GAL, 180s, and validations were. Every post you write, it's about what your W has said or what she is going to do in the Future.

I'm trying to do 180s and GAL at the same time. I have taken the back seat for long. I thought, it is her family business so, I let her in charge. Now, my 180s is stepping up which I've already started 2-3 years ago. I do everything is the store. All my wife has to do now is signing the paper. By in charge of everything, it is very hard to GAL. Our store is open 10 to 10, 7 days/wk. I went to the gym 2-3 times/wk. so, I'm in a good shape. I started listen to the music in my studio room again(I quit going to my studio room since I knew the A). I changed the way I dress to more adults style(W complained I dressed to look younger than her). I've already taken care of my D long time ago. So, nothing needs to change on that.(W thinks, she raised D for the first 5 yrs without my help and D was too young to appreciate and now I took all the credit.) I'm not kinda outdoors guy. My happiness is sport car and Hi-End stereo. I will find something more that might interest me.

I used to be quite when we fight and let the conflict fade away. My 180s is to talk which is the opposite from Sandi's rules. If I detach, it will be same me not my 180s. I'm so confuse.

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
What do you want to do? You W is in love with OM. Let her go. If you want a chance to get her back. Let her go!!!!!

I just finished your 3rd tread Joe. Yours is very similar to mine. The different is you can let W go but I have to let myself go. Like I said, this is her family home, I can't kick her out. She won't either. She just asked me nicely to leave. By letting her go for most people mean let her manage her own finance, move to the new place, suffer the consequence of being without husband. But not in my case, even though letting myself go will make it easy for me to detach and GAL. Other than that, I will be the one who suffer on the change until she have enough of OM and come take me back. This what I think.
[i][/i]


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M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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Tomorrow my W will come back from the trip. I'm thinking about telling her I want to move out. I might find condo somewhere close. I'll still work on the shop for now. I think staying apart from my W should help me detach easier. I will tell both parent and my D that we fight a lot and we both need space.

Most suggestion told me I should stay in MBR but I'm moving out!?!?
What you all think? Stay/detach or move out/detach?
I'm waiting for any comments? Thanks


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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A,

To detach you dont have to move out. If you think moving is better for your health and ability to heal than do so. Detachment is detaching yourself from the emotions and reactiins of your W. She in essence if she laid next to your every night or lived millions of miles away she would get the same reaction from you. Being detached is letting a person live their own life without it affecting yours. You need to read up on detachment. You will know when you are detaching. It will be when she is mad and upset and blaming you for something, you will say ok and move on. You will validate and keep living and she will immediately know the difference in your reactions from a detached Anative and an attached Anative.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Last night I went home very late. My wife was sleeping. I bought some beer and snacks home and watched TV. About midnight, I went to take a shower, when I came out my W was waiting for me.

She asked, “Have you decided what to do?” I said, I’ll move to condo but still come to work 4-5 days a week. I might be home on the weekend when our D come home. She said thank you. She asked if I will be OK, will I be lonely? I said “I will make it.”

She cried and told me that she is lonely, confuse, and hurt. She needs s.o. love, care, hug, kiss, and talk to. She asked me if I ever love her. I didn’t say anything I told her that I said it all many time already. There is nothing left for me to say. Then I changed the subject to be about her trip. We talked normally , had some laughs. Then she asked me to rub her neck and shoulder. After, she was relieved, I went to sleep.

This morning, she asked me to take her to her fav dinning place. We had a good time. Then I saw massage from OM popped up on her phone. I drove her back to our store and went to find a condo. An hour later, I came back to the store and saw her on the phone talking to OM. I immediately changed my cloth and left the store to go to the gym. I’m not mad at all. I’m just sicking tired of this. I felt like I am a fool again. However, I’m so glad that I already made a decision to move out.

Joejoe; Thank you Joe. I haven’t finished yours yet but I wish you luck. You did great.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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A,

My work will be forever. It don't stop or get easier after recon. Your W temp tested you and you failed. You need to let her go, now!!!! You deserve better.

You are her plan B! Period. You are her second option. Period! No more being plan B or option 2. You need to take your life back and stop worrying about your W. Next time she ask you questions about loving her say the exact same thing you said last time. "I've told you many times how I feel". Next time she ask you to give her a back rub, you say, "I will not be giving you back rubs as long as I'm a plan B". Next time she ask you to take her to dinner, "you tell her, you will not be taking her to dinner as long as you are her plan B". No more being plan B. Stop it A.

Get your respect back.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Tomorrow, I’ll put deposit on the condo I chose. I’ll start move my stuff on 23rd. I felt the peace already.

OM’re still texting my W but she didn’t spend a lot of time on phone. I don’t know what’s going on but I don’t care. I don’t have to force myself to feel OK anymore when I saw W’s texting or talking to him.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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Last night, while I was sleeping, my W came to my bed and lay down next to me. She said, she miss me. She asked me again that if I ever love her. I said I did said that many times, I’m not going to say it again. She said, she’s never regret that she love me and thanks me for loving her. I validated. She hugged me and felt asleep. I hope I didn’t ruin my detachment. Did I?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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A,

Your W temp tested you again. You failed again. She wanted to see if you still felt the same. She felt you slipping away and she wanted to bring you back in. IMO, you should of told her you want sleep or lay with you while you are talking to OM. Stop allowing her to dictate those situations. Learn to word, "No". She ask you those questions for one reason only, to see where you stand. I bet she is not telling you, she "loves you back". If you want a chance to get your W back you have to let her go.

Let go!!!!! Onward and Forward.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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I stay at my condo for 5 days already. First 3 days, she asked me to go have some beers after work but I refused. However, she video called me every night.

2 days ago, my W told her parent that we separated but she did't tell them about OM. They're so upset and they won't accept it. W called me that she can't sleep, got a bad headache. She didn't know what to do. I didn't give her any advice, just listen.

Then yesterday, she asked me what should she do. It seem like being separate from me is impossible for her and OM wouldn't accept it.

I said "This is not my concern at all. If OM couldn't accept your situation he should not get involve with marriage woman at the first place." I told her that if she is still in contact with OM she shouldn't call or ask me out. I don't want to get blame when she fights with OM anymore. She got mad. she said that the reason that she call me or ask me out because she worry about me not that she want to keep me and OM both. She will stop calling me from now on. Let see....

Am I doing OK this time? Any comments? Thank you in advance: )


H43/W43/OM52
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Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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Also, she told me. If I see anyone or will start dating anyone, I have to leave the store. What the ...!!!

Not that I want to date anyone but she didn't hear what she said at all. She is falling apart.


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M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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After I told her not to call me and avoid doing things together, she seems cold. I still work at the store. She used to tell me where she went but not anymore.

The other day, she told her parent that I moved out. Her parent so upset. Her parent knew about her A from her brother a couple days later(I consulted her oldest brother from the beginning.). They won't approve her affair and will take the store back if she chose to go with OM. However my W doesn't know that her parent knew yet.

I don't know her situation with OM. However, I feel great living separately at the condo. Am I on the right track? It is so opposite of what I think it is a right thing to do.


H43/W43/OM52
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She's being cold because reality isn't matching up to whatever fantasy she had in her head - that she could have OM and also you in her life. Cake eating as we say.

I think what you're doing is good. I know it feels the opposite of what you should do, but you're doing the right things.

Let her face the consequences of her choices from her family and others. Stay out of it as much as you can, even though you may be close to them.

You're on the right track because you are feeling better and starting to heal. Continue this and don't backslide. You are doing great.

Keep your boundaries and keep on your healing journey.


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A,

Great Job. Keep up the hard work. she's hurting, her fantasy is turning into a reality. She thought she had you on a hook and now you have wiggled off. You are not enabling her anymore and she hates it. You were such a convenience for her and now she has to do her own work.

She can't stand to see you with another woman, because she is selfish. Remember that a WW is very selfish and everything is about them.

Remember you were one of her options and now she's left with one.

She had 3 options.

1. Leave you and stay with her affair partner
2. Leave her affair partner and start working on the M.
3. Leave both of you.

You control 2 and 3. If you leave she is left dealing with option 1. Doing any of these options hurt too much so she's holds on to all her options as long as she can, so she doesn't have to deal with life. Stay out of her way and continue on your own journey, if she is ready she will let you know. Key words, "She will let you know". You won't have to ask, does she want to be back with you. She will tell you. Keep your boundaries up and keep moving forward.

Onward and upward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thank you Maika, Joejoe.

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
Stay out of her way and continue on your own journey, if she is ready she will let you know. Key words, "She will let you know". You won't have to ask, does she want to be back with you. She will tell you. Keep your boundaries up and keep moving forward.

Is it possible that W will think her chance is really over? I won't take her back.

Also, In case, she is really over with OM, she might be too shame to "LET ME KNOW" that she wants to be back. How do I hint WW that I will/might take her back under my conditions without saying?


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
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You can keep the door cracked. When she is ready she will come. As long as you are not mean and cold, she will know you haven't closed her off. Don't go rushing back in or asked her any questions about the R or M. Let her come to you. She has to choose you. When she hits bottom she will she where the safe landing spot is. And that is you.

Keep doing what you are doing and stay the course, be calm and live your life.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Two weeks ago, my W went out of town and stay for 1 night. She said she will go see OM. She told me she feels regret what she did to me and she was trying to work thing out but then I told her to stop calling me so she started to contact OM instead. I think that BS, even I allow her to get close to me she will still contact OM anyway if she got a chance. I’m not sure if OM came back for her for real like he told her before or not. However, she didn’t go anywhere again for two weeks which is strange if OM is in the country.

This evening, she told me she will be out of town again for 3 nights getting together with friends and stay for her friend’s marriage. She will asked my D if D wants to get out of her dorm on Thursday night and stay with her at the hotel for one night. I don’t expect that going for her friends is the truth. But I didn’t ask.

Staying at condo is great. I woke up early, went to gym, came back to change and go to work. We talk only on the important matters and go separate way after work.

Now, her parent is on my side. They told me that the other night my W came see them and said she is so over with me, nothing can bring us back. However, her parent won’t accept my W’s action. If my W want to leave me for OM she has to go empty hand, they will take the business back and let me manage for them.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
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A,

Good job! You are standing up for yourself and your values that's awesome. Don't worry about your W, her will leave her with mounting consequences to deal with. It's only the beginning. Her telling you, you cutting her led her to the OM is BS and you know it. She was talking to him while you were giving her attention. She is trying to justify her actions to herself by telling you that. You are doing great. Keep up the hardwork and post more often.

Onward and forward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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I haven’t posted for a while b/c nothing is going on much.

Then 3 days ago, my W told me that she hasn’t contacted OM since they met last time. And she won’t contact him anymore. She is very sorry on what she did to me. She was not herself back then. However, she realize right now, she want to stop this on her own. I can change her phone number or take her phone if I don’t believe her. She want us to be together again. She said, we can be a business partner for the start and start a new business together. She will earn my trust again. Even though, there is only 1% chance that I will take her back again as a wife, she will try. She is willing to do anything I ask. Only one condition that I have to promise her that I won’t see anyone.

I was waiting for her to reconcile for so long, how come when it actually happens, I am not excited at all. I’m kinda disappointed actually. I’m so calm with myself right now. I am just OK for only a month. How should my move be now? I am aware that I shouldn’t let her back in too easy or too soon. What conditions should I give her? Any time frame on that?


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Live & work together/ OM oversea.
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OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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A,

It's your timeline. It's no defined timeline on when you take your W back. You just don't open the door arms wide open accepting her back. She has to do the work. If she is willing to change her number and get a new phone then that is a good step. If she is saying she will work to get your trust back that also good.

I will tell you that during DB all I wanted was my W back. Then I got her back and for a few weeks or months, I was feeling good then resentment and anger start to take hold. And I start questioning wanting to be with her. I felt like I could do better. I noticed that I felt better during DB than during our reconciliation. I start to notice that I was more calmer when I was DBing and not caring about what she was doing. And now, I had so many questions and concerns.

Well, all those things I mentioned above is part of the process. During DB you work hard on detaching to not worry about what your W is doing. Then all of a sudden you are back in a M, with a person that has left a wound in you deeper than the Grand Canyon, and everything should be ok right no! There is a lot of work to be done on both sides. She will have to face a lot of questioning and you not trusting her. And you will have to learn to trust her, it will take years for all this to take place. So the feelings your are having are normal.

But do the work and self reflection and be honest with yourself, are you still wanting the M? Don't lie to yourself, if you do, than work towards that, if not work towards moving forward with your life and let your W know how you feel.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 57
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Originally Posted By: joejoe1
I will tell you that during DB all I wanted was my W back. Then I got her back and for a few weeks or months, I was feeling good then resentment and anger start to take hold. And I start questioning wanting to be with her. I felt like I could do better. I noticed that I felt better during DB than during our reconciliation. I start to notice that I was more calmer when I was DBing and not caring about what she was doing. And now, I had so many questions and concerns.

Well, all those things I mentioned above is part of the process. During DB you work hard on detaching to not worry about what your W is doing. Then all of a sudden you are back in a M, with a person that has left a wound in you deeper than the Grand Canyon, and everything should be ok right no! There is a lot of work to be done on both sides. She will have to face a lot of questioning and you not trusting her. And you will have to learn to trust her, it will take years for all this to take place. So the feelings your are having are normal.

Exactly, how I feel Joe.

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
But do the work and self reflection and be honest with yourself, are you still wanting the M? Don't lie to yourself, if you do, than work towards that, if not work towards moving forward with your life and let your W know how you feel.

I don't need her love but I want my family back. I know it sounds weird but this is how I feel deep down.

I started new forum because it is 10 pages already and also my situation has changed.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2787133#Post2787133

Thank you.


H43/W43/OM52
M15 w/D14
Live & work together/ OM oversea.
EA: Feb,17
PA: Apr,17
(10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18)
OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
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