Help needed from Far-east.

[joejoe1]

A native,

I think you are already bringing a lot to the table. I agree with taking sometime to yourself. I don't think you are in the US, so I dont know the rules/lawsof the country you are located in. But in the US, the home is communinal property if you are married. No S has more rights over the home than the other.

But giving your W space and you detaching is what you need to do at the point. She's angry and you are an easy target for her now. Let her wallow in her mess she made. You aren't to blame for OM breaking up with her and you need to ensure you state that firmly. If she tries to blame you again, you say "whatever happened between you and him is/was your problem, don't associate me with that Sitch ever". And don't bring it up again, if she gets irate, walk away. Create your boundary of not being disrespected or being yelled at.

[anative]

While I am here, I still keep in touch with my daughter. I told her I stay for business. She is having an exam next week. So, I might tell her the truth after.

I haven’t told my parent about her affair though. I just told them that my W acting crazy because of MLC. She might have not told her parent either. Otherwise, they should call me.

I can see her through CCTV from my phone and I secretly have her cousin who knows my story (work at the shop) keep an eye on her.


Should I make any contact with my wife? Or I should disappear completely?
If so, for how long? In Sandi’s rules, said that after the affair is ended I should stick around.

Do keep busy. Going out some is fine but once you get what you believe is "no contact" and they are in withdrawal, you want to stick to them like glue (in a non-obstrussive manner). It's fairly easy because once the affair ends, they generally behaved like a depressed teenager and without the constant text messaging and face timing, they have tons of extra free time on their hands but little desire to leave the couch/house. Stick around for a bit and try, best you can, to occupy their time and just be around while not hounding them or forcing conversations. Just be around, picking up the slack while they actually grieve the end of their affair. Too much idle time leads to them feeling further neglected and starving for attention. They will surely either reach out to OM or look for a surrogate (like another OM, or Facebook, or blogging, or wherever they can escape and get some of their needs met).

???

[joejoe1]

A native,

Can you prove she isn't talking to the OM. Also, the OM broke up with her. You still are not her first option. You have to gain your respect and become attractive in her eyes. You have to make yourself a person only a fool would leave.

IMO, this a tough one. If you stick around, you will have to still give her space and let her come to you. You don't need to follow her around. Just be there, leave her be, and if and when she is ready to talk she will seek you out. She will try to pick fights with you, you have to be ready to not react to nothing she does to try and get a reaction out of you.

[anative]

Yesterday, she texted me about work 2-3 times, nothing personal.

3 am today : The driver drove my W & D to school. After drop of my D, she got off somewhere and had the driver brought my stuff to me. Now, she is heading back home.

She hasn’t told anyone the real reason of my absent yet.
This month is the busiest time of the year. We usually go out to buy gift for our customers, decorated the shop and plan the activities for new year together. It is a lot of work to do them all by herself.

I wish I could read her mind that she really want me to stay away for real or she want to test me if I care enough to go back for help without her asking. Any woman‘s opinions on how was her brain wired.?

Also even she said she stopped contacting OM, I can’t be so sure. Should I worry?

[anative]

She called me yesterday while I was working on renovated my parent’s old building to put for rent.

She ,sounds very delightful, asked me if I was busy to talk. I said No. She asked me where I was, with whom, and asked about the renovated. Then she told me her plan for the customer for the new year.

I didn’t ask her how she’s doing, she didn’t ask me either.

From the sound of her voice, I could tell that she miss me. However, I heard this kind of sound of her voice before. It usually happen right after she finished talking to OM then felt bad for me that was lonely hurt.

BTW. My insider told me that she was hardly on the phone lately. Hope this time is for real.

[anative]

No one respond my thread for a while, so I am spending time to read Squiggy’s. It is very similar to my situation. I wish I could handle my situation like him sooner.

Anyway; I will pick up my D tomorrow and drive back to the house. I will stay there for the weekend to clear my works at the shop. Then I will drive my D to school again on Monday. I will try to stay detached while I’m around my wife on the weekend.

My W will go to Korea for 5 days next week with 5 girlfriends(no OM). Should I take care and watch the shop for her while she’s away? or I should ignore it??? I’m sure she has assigned s.o. already but still no one can do a perfect job than me. I feel like I want to help her get things ready for new year while she’s away but I am not sure that it is a good idea or not in this situation.

“It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!”(Sandi)

Please advice.
Thank you in advance.

[joejoe1]

No you shouldn't watch her shop. If things go bad its her fault. She decided to take a trip at such a busy time. It's no longer your concern. Go enjoy yourself while shes on her trip. She needs to understand what life without you means.

[anative]

It is getting worse.

My W call me from Korea crying because OM has blocked her text and call.
She was very upset. She came back home 2 days ago. Last night, she said it was all my false that make OM left her. She said I never leave her like she asked for and now she lost OM b/c he can’t stand the situation.

I am out of town to work on my properties. She just called me that she will book a ticket to US to see OM, to apologies to him and hope that OM will accept her sorry.

If everything goes well she will come back, get divorce, and tell everyone about OM.

What am I gonna do now? I’m so freaking out right now?
I don’t think I can let her go to US w/o doing nothing this time. I was trying to be patience for her coming back and for my daughter. But this time, should I say enough to myself. Should I go tell her & my parents about her behavior? (May be her friend and employee as well) Is this the real ending?

I really need your thought. Thank you.

[Anchor]

First of all, don't panic. That's going to make everything else worse.

There will be those who say expose (i.e. tell everyone) and others who say this is punitive and doesn't help things and instead pushes the WAS away.

I did a sort of exposure, which backfired on me because the society I live in doesn't seem to condemn adultery anymore. People didn't want to take sides - they just wanted to plaster happy smiles and go along like they always did.

My personal advice is not to do anything that will make things worse. She's blaming you for what's happening with OM. If you expose, will she become angrier and vilify you more? Those who support affair exposure will say that this is a temporary state of affairs and she's more likely to end the affair.

I have tried to break up WH and his OW a few times. Each time they wobble but they never break up. It's like the night of the living dead. I think, in fact, in the early days when I was really fighting for him, the OW loved the drama and the excitment and the more I fought for him, the more WH had value in her eyes. I feel, in my case, if I had gone, 'Meh - you can have the lying cheating scum', she might have not been so keen.

I am still tempted to try to do things to break them up. But in the end I feel the WAS should come back willingly. Otherwise you will always be looking at them out of the corner of your eye, wondering if they're really 'with' you or faking it.

I would say something like 'OK, if you want to go, you're free to go. Sorry you're having problems with OM (while mentally thinking: if you didn't want such drama then don't have an affair). Wish you all the best.'

Then, disappear. Time to stop pursuit.

[joejoe1]

Anative,

Don't worry yourself. You don't know why OM broke up with her. He might have OW. He might of gotten tired of her personality. He might of just wanted to be free of your W. Youbdont know. She is looking for slime one to blame and you are the easiest target. Leave her be. Don't involve yourself in her relationship with OM.

Back away and let her go. If you try and stop her what you think she's going to say then? That you got her way of happiness. Get oit of way and let her deal with reality.

You are doing good by leaving her store.

And don't take the blame she is throwing your way. Its hers to deal with.