Help needed from Far-east.

[swoop]

Keep up the work. DBING will get you there!

[anative]

By detaching her, do you think that she will go see him more often without having to ask me or even tell me?

&

OM will go back to US by the end of next week. I am sure that they will get together again at lease 2 nights. I'm thinking about closing the shop on the days she goes. Doing this will piss her off a lot as she rarely close the shop. She might cancel her plan for this time and threaten me that she will find the way to go see him even more and longer later.

However, In order for her to go next week, she will have to ask her parent to open the shop for her. That will lead her parent to ask what was going on. This might pressure her to expose her affair and talk about divorce again. Am I pursuing her by doing this? Am I not detaching?

Otherwise, I let her go again for the last time and start work thing out later after OM leave to avoid the conflict between us.

Any comments or advices? Please.
Thank you.

[Lovelyp]

Sorry about what you are going through.

I think you are in a tricky situation since you work with her in a family business. The problem is if you and your daughter depends on the business then closing it will affect your financial situation as well. I think she is taking advantage that you rely on a business that was passed to her and she expects you to do whatever she wants because you don't have independence. One question is in case of a divorce what happens with the business? How do you take care of yourself? Do you share 50%?

I think she knows you fear divorce so much and using that to threaten you so you will be quiet. I think divorce hurts you but what she is doing is equally painful and destroys you. She can't be with you and the OM so it's best for her to make up her mind.

I don't think detaching will let her leave you if she loves you. I feel already she can do worse so detachment will just help you work on yourself. I feel she is being selfish & your fear of loosing her is what she is using to make you comply. Get over that fear because already you lost her. To get her back you have to talk to her but don't beg or make decisions for her. Work on any weaknesses you have and tell her you don't control what she chooses to do. Just tell her you want to work out things BUT she must respect you and work with you. If she wants a divorce that's her decision BUT you can't accept what she is doing.

[joejoe1]

A native,

I think you are in a great position. You don't have nothing to lose. No matter what direction she's goes at this point it's not with you. She has 0 respect for you. You will never get your wife back if she dont respect you. And I mean this, if letting her go means getting your respect that's what you are going to have to do.

Letting her go dont mean you will lose her, but you no longer have any influence over your wife.

You have to get that respect back. And when I say let her go, I dont mean accept her going to spend time with another man. That's a 100% unacceptable and you have to let her know that. You cant control her, but You can show your disapproval and thats the start of detaching. Next you come up with boundaries for yourself that she dare not cross. When you create those boundaries they must come with consquences.

Stand firm, strong strong, have patience and take action.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=joejoe1]You are the Number 2 in her life. So you want to be number 2? You are going to have to detach. It's going to be hard. You have to get your balls back. You have allowed to much and she is not going your balls back to you without a fight.

She has to have some type of lost coming from your direction. IMO you need to kick her out the Martial bedroom and stop kissing and hugging her.


joe, did you know you say this^^ to almost every man on this site? And then you tell them their wives have "0 respect" for them. Regardless of what you think , it's really inflammatory.

A native, have your called a DB coach? And as Cadet said, You stay in the MBR. your w can do what she wants. It's your bed.

Whether to continue hugging/connecting physically (or letting it lead to something more) is an intensely personal choice.

My DB coach said the concerns are 2 fold. SOME WAS's (or their affair partners)
really do risky behavior and you have to wonder about sexually transmitted diseases,

Second, how you feel afterwards. Do you feel closer, or sort of used?

Finally, what did you mean when you said you "ignored her" and "did not pay attention to her"? Was it you being complacent or neglectful or cold?

What would you wife say if she were here? And is the unrealistic parts of this (she and OM cannot live in the same country??) - does that make it "safer" for her, do you think?

Or is that going to change? OR is she going to just live under the same roof as you, as friends, and staying till your d14 leaves? I mean, without asking her, what do you think her "Plan" is??

Native, do not set any boundary if you will not enforce it.

Having an Unenforced boundary is worse than not having one.
I'

[joejoe1]

25,

I'm not try to be inflammatory. If any body ever feels that way let me know.

My W told ne the other day, that she had no respect for me and that what allowed her to cheat on me.

I think knowing that info helps the LBS navigate their situation that much better. I'm no different than native.

We come here to get the pure truth. Gthe truth hurts, but it also enables us to heal and get to a better place. The truth helps us seek the right answers. So I'm not trying to hurt any person on here feelings, we are going thru enough pain as it is.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=joejoe1]25,

I'm not try to be inflammatory. If any body ever feels that way let me know.

( I think I just did). We are all in pain, to be sure. But women have A's for more varied reasons.

My W told ne the other day, that she had no respect for me and that what allowed her to cheat on me.


I'm sorry your w said that to you. IF that is truly how she feels, then you have work to do & decisions to make.

All affairs are wrong, yes. But they are not all alike. So the advice is not always the same.

Simply declaring that you "won't accept disrespect" is not an enforceable boundary in and of itself. It is not an action or behavior; it's just a sentence.

I'll look at your thread and try to support you in your situation.

[joejoe1]

25,

Thanks for reading my Sitch. I invite your support and advice.

I get what you are saying, that simply bstatimg to not accept disrespect is not a boundary. What is your suggestions for me and others that have heard that statement?

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Thanks for reading my Sitch. I invite your support and advice.

I get what you are saying, that simply bstatimg to not accept disrespect is not a boundary. What is your suggestions for me and others that have heard that statement?

I don't want to hijack a Native's thread. However, some of this relates to your situation, Native.

I'll be brief (for a L anyhow).

Stating "I will not be disrespected!" and then not specifying anything or doing anything different is a hollow comment. No offense, but it sounds like a kid stomping their feet in anger.

Setting a boundary and then not enforcing it, actually weakens your position more than doing nothing would have.

Saying you "won't accept" what is happening is like saying you will remain in denial.

You can say it all you want, but if your behavior is exactly the same as before, it's meaningless.

What will YOU do differently? Boundaries are not about controlling other people, they are about setting your boundary.

By analogy, If you were a state in the US, like, say, North Carolina,

boundary setting is saying "This is North Carolina. Over there are other states outside of my authority. North Carolina is in MY jurisdiction and I decide what happens in here. I do not decide what Virginia or South Carolina or Tennessee decide. That is for them to decide."

For instance, assume your wife interrupts you a lot, even in important conversations.

If you are calmly briefly making a point, but she has interrupted you

You set a boundary of what YOU will do if your boundary is crossed.

"W, I need you to let me finish", but oops, she keeps on interrupting -

So you leave the room. If you are driving, you take the next exit and get out of the car.

You do not participate once she interrupts. You disengage. No yelling, no stomping feet, no jabs or "truth darts"

(which is a code word for insults with the goal of shutting up a spouse).

Just you setting a boundary calmly, and if it is crossed, it's you enforcing it.

Notice You are not telling her to "shut up!". You are not telling her what to do actually, at all. You are not labeling her behavior or blaming her.

You are telling her what YOU need and what You will do if an event occurs. "W, if we can't listen to each other, then it's unproductive. So I'll leave/go do my thing/ until we can be productive."

See the difference?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

If you worry that saying "W, I need you to let me finish" is telling her what to do (perhaps over thinking a bit, but anyhow...)

then modify it.

Say instead, that you "need to be heard" or "need to finish" the thought.

I know some of this ^ is semantics

but clarity is crucially important at this time. Keep the focus on your own behavior b/c it helps to know this for yourself anyhow.



Getting clarity on our ends is vital b/c we sure won't get any from them for a long time, if ever. But that is another topic...