My story is similar to the forum from "won't stop" that I read earlier. We've been marriage for 15 yrs and has 14 yrs old daughter. My wife had a conversation with me that she needed space and wanted to keep herself open for the new relationship since last February. She said that I wasn't take a good care for her enough, we have nothing in common, she can't feel love anymore etc. I didn't pay a lot of attention that time. However, I kinda ignore her a little bit so she can get the idea of living without me. After that, she started to put password on her phone, kept her phone with her all the time, and was on the phone a lot than before. Our relationship was pretty much the same we leave in the same house except that she wanted to keep the distance and she needed her privacy.
On April, she went to Korea to get her face treatment with her girlfriends for 3 weeks. However, she decided to stay a week longer than her friends by herself.
After she came back she was acting kind of weird. She said that I don't have to be too nice too her because that was not me. She also told me that she have met someone but he live far away. I don't have to worry about him now. I didn't believe her at first because we live and work together. After my guessing and a lot of argument, she confessed that she has been talking and texting to him since February. He is our old friend that I didn't contact for long time. They've been together at Korea for a week. Even I knew, she was still texting and talking to him everyday.
It has been a lot of begging, crying, and please give me another chance since then. I am pretty sure I have done all the classic mistakes.
On July, my daughter had to go to summer camp at California and stayed with my wife on weekends for a month which we planned before this thing happened. If I didn't let her go, cancel the camp thing which we already paid, it will be suspicious for everyone. So I can do nothing about it. Unfortunately for me, the camp didn't let the camper leave for weekend so my wife had a whole month with him(He live is USA.)
The whole month of pain, I spent everyday reading and watching every advice on the internet including DR book.
When I picked her up at the airport, I went with my happy and welcome face. Anyway, she was still texting and talking to him. Almost a month past by, my wife told me that this guy feel a bit insecure because he think, I am the one being with her all the time. He wanted time to think about himself too. He wanted my wife to stop contact him until he's ready. So, my wife stopped contact and stopped replying his text. We started to talk about our relationship again. Everything seem to get better.
Less than a week, Hell! he showed up in my town and called my wife that he needed to talk. As my wife wasn't totally over him yet. She asked me that she need to go see him, she has to. So, she went half day with him and she came back and said that she wanted to give him another chance. 2 days later she went to stay with him at the hotel somewhere for 2 night, then again 2 days ago and will be again next weeks. Then he will go back the end of this month(September).
You all might think "Why I let her?"
Because she said if I didn't she will tell my daughter and end our marriage right now. I don't want my daughter to know. Not now. Because, I'm pretty sure that my wife won't build a new family with him. She just want him to fill her emptiness. They have no future together. Because my wife won't go there and he can't live here anytime soon. Now I have to let her walk in and out from me until he leave and hope she will change her mind before he come back again next time.
Right now, we sleep in the same room, hugging, kissing like a happy couple but no sex as she said she feel can't. However, she will text him anytime she want. I act pretty calm about it because it was her choice.
I read and learned some of the basis to handle this kind of situation. However, I am still a lot of help from you all. I won't give up. But how should I be around her.
1) Act like I have moved on, keep distance, and no physically contact(hug&kiss). or 2) Get a life but also be close to her if she needs me and go with the flow.
Best Regards,
H43/W43/OM52 M15 w/D14 Live & work together/ OM oversea. EA: Feb,17 PA: Apr,17 (10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18) OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I should not allow my WW to go see OM easily. I tried to stop her from going but she said let her go she miss him. She said that OM will leave this country at the end of this month. If I let her I still got a chance more than him. (He got insecure from time to time b/c he is not OK that me and my wife still live together.) But if I won't she will end with me right now. I chose to let her.
At lease, she always tell me everything that happen between her and OM. However, she told OM that we are not sleeping the same room(we are still kissing and hugging), go to work in different car, stop going anywhere just 2 no more. She fear that if OM knows that me and my wife still doing things together he will get mad. She hides and lies a lot of info from him.
Before she went to see him(2 days ago) I asked her to text me where her and OM stay so, I don't have to worry and I can keep track on her if sth. bad happen. She never did. I did not contact her either.
Tonight, she is coming back home from seeing him. I am at the restaurant near by. I'd like to have a quick advice before I go back home.
How should I act with her from tonight on? 1) Sleep together or not 2) Disappoint that she didn't call or not 3) Be cold or be neutral
I deeply appreciate whoever reply me on such as a short time.
Regards,
H43/W43/OM52 M15 w/D14 Live & work together/ OM oversea. EA: Feb,17 PA: Apr,17 (10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18) OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
How should I act with her from tonight on? 1) Sleep together or not 2) Disappoint that she didn't call or not 3) Be cold or be neutral
1) Sleep in the master bedroom and don't worry about where she is going to sleep. Thats not your problem. 2) Don't speak about it, I am not surprised she did not answer. 3) Follow instructions in my first post - I.E. - DETACH This is not hot or cold, more indifferent. Start worrying about YOU - not her.
H43/W43/OM52 M15 w/D14 Live & work together/ OM oversea. EA: Feb,17 PA: Apr,17 (10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18) OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You are the Number 2 in her life. So you want to be number 2? You are going to have to detach. It's going to be hard. You have to get your balls back. You have allowed to much and she is not going your balls back to you without a fight.
She has to have some type of lost coming from your direction. IMO you need to kick her out the Martial bedroom and stop kissing and hugging her. That shows you except what she is doing. Stop excepting it. Tell her "you want except the disrespect from her anymore." This comment is for you. You are protecting yourself. What you have allowed your wife to do shows no respect for yourself. Gain your respect back first, detach, and do things that make you happy(GAL(Get a life)).
Read detaching, because it has to be done with love.
You will stumble, just keep trying.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Sorry that your here and yes you made several mistakes. But don't feel bad, because we have all been there. Next time she threatens to tell your daughter and to leave. Call her bluff. She knows that is your weakness and will continue to play on that, while sleeping with OM. If she does so, then you be there to tell D14 what W is up to.
Also you need to detach and let W move out if she wants to chase after this guy. What is thus worse that is going to happen? Is she going to continue to mess with OM? It's already happening. That seems to be the biggest bad reasoning from everyone here, including myself. She needs to experience actual loss to snap out of her fog. She has seen that she can disrespect you and go with it out of fear of losing your W. But the truth is that she is already lost.
I know these isn't easy, especially being so new at this. But it will save you a world of pain by distancing yourself. Being nice will not work whatsoever. The time to be nice has passed. Treat her cordial lile you would a neighbor and better yourself.
So, I asked her why she didn't text me where she was. I turned around before she said sorry. Anyway, I slept in masterBR last night, without saying anything else, she slept in livingR.
This morning I managed to leave house early to the Gym. We usually drive to work together(her parent had goldsmith business pasted to her and I worked with her since we marriage). So from now on I think we will come to work in different car, go have lunch and dinner separately. I think, this will make OM happier though if he knew.
By detaching her, do you think that she will go see him more often without having to ask me or even tell me?
My daughter is a boarding student. She will come home every weekend. I want to give my daughter the best of family time as I can. So, I will have to pretend on weekend. I hope this is OK.
H43/W43/OM52 M15 w/D14 Live & work together/ OM oversea. EA: Feb,17 PA: Apr,17 (10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18) OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Thank you for your advices. Now, I only talk to her when I have to. Try to avoid most of activities together unless my daughter is around.
OM will go back to US by the end of next week. I am sure that they will get together again at lease 2 nights. I'm thinking about closing the shop on the days she goes. Doing this will piss her off a lot as she rarely close the shop. She might cancel her plan for this time and threaten me that she will find the way to go see him even more and longer later.
However, In order for her to go next week, she will have to ask her parent to open the shop for her. That will lead her parent to ask what was going on. This might pressure her to expose her affair and talk about divorce again. Am I pursuing her by doing this? Am I not detaching?
Otherwise, I let her go again for the last time and start work thing out later after OM leave to avoid the conflict between us.
I have dream about telling everyone about her affair every night. I afraid that someday it will happen for real and that will ruin everything.
This is the only place I can think out loud. Please comment.
Regards,
H43/W43/OM52 M15 w/D14 Live & work together/ OM oversea. EA: Feb,17 PA: Apr,17 (10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18) OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
