25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[kml]

You don't need to talk to him, just ask him to send his proposal to you in writing. Keep all interactions by email if you can. I still get a knot in my stomach when I see an email from my ex in my inbox, but it's less than the knot I get from a text or a phone call, so I gradually trained him to do email only.

If he called , I "just happened" to drive through a hole in the cell coverage and the call got dropped. (When actually, I was snapping my old flip phone shut with a satisfying crack). When he called back, I'd answer "oh sorry, must have driven through a hole!" Or wait a bit and text that to him instead.

If he texted, I'd email him in response. Or tell him I sent him an email about it.

Eventually, all contact became via email - where I didn't have to see it if I didn't want to, and where I had time to consider my responses.

The less contact the better. And if he's anxious to marry Schmoopie (or has gotten her knocked up), all the more leverage to get a good settlement.

[25yearsmlc]

Update

wedding hoopla begins soon. Saw comedians with sisters and d28 last night. Good times.

Sometimes d28 takes a parental tone with me and I'm not sure that's b/c of the hospitalization or divorce or what. I'm not crazy about it but I know it's well intended.

d20 comes tonight.

H called bro again. And then texted bro that he wanted to talk. Bro works full time but told me.

When I text bro for details, he's too busy to give good answers.

I asked what h's tone was like, b/c I'm not in the mood for more surprises and want to gird myself for declarations from h. Like that he's marrying schmoopie OW and wants out of the m now or starts in on why he's the hero/victim and I'm the villain.

Or whatever.

So then My bro replied that h's tone is "Pleading".

Wth?

This is a happy family weekend event for me and mine. It's not for h to intrude upon. (Sometimes I wonder if he knows it's happening now. I guess if he took the time to look on fb, at any remaining family members, he could). But that would require effort and interest in others.
This set me back.


My anxiety is going up instead of excitement and Crap, I was spinning again and with my d28 here!

It was so distracting to me that I -YES- I- texted h

"bro told me you two spoke. This weekend is nieces' wedding and hoopla. So next week would be better."


and that's^^^ it. Sisters and T agree it's better for ME not to have direct talks.

Any fact that notes a flaw or error or violation of the court order that I present to h, no matter how empirically verified & calmly stated, will be seen as an "attack."


I'm not doing another eggshell discussion. I'd win at trial, which h may now know or fear.

And my guess is h is "pleading" b/c of pressure he feels. (Join the club). I'll call my L this Monday and let her know that we can probably narrow down the areas of dispute (which in MY mind were narrowed down months ago...)

At least now I can breathe and enjoy the weekend activities. Probably

[exquisitetobe]

Dear 25,

Please be careful. I can only compare your experience with mine. 8 yrs and a half after bomb, too much contact with ex-h still triggers anxiety in me.

From what i have read in your story, i would advise the NO- CONTACT rule. See, from his mood in the call, you got questions and confusion...

How do you feel about your bro being added in the legal procedure? Your brother loves you and will protect you but do you think he might also share only what he beleives you want to hear as to protect your heart and feelings. If he sees you struggleing, he might with- hold bits and pieces from you..

Your L should be the one to handle ALL communications between the 2 of you..

Any " faux pas " on your stbx would be usable in your case. Not sure if what is shared with your bro would have power in the court room...

His reason for pushing this forward is irrelevant.. keep your eyes on the finish line..

Take care 25 have a wonderful week-end!!!

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you. No more direct contact. Almost the only form in a year...


I get it

thanks for reminding me though!

I almost felt sorry for h but then I remembered OH YEAH, he's the same H who put me thru hell.

And maybe, MAYBE he nows feel badly...but maybe that is ALL about him.


Irrelevant and that is 100% true.

[kml]

And if you MUST contact him, do it by email, not text. Easier to keep documentation and an email back from him doesn't require immediate response.

Also - why are you narrowing down your areas of dispute? Don't give away your bargaining chips. You can use those things you don't care that strongly about as bargaining chips.

[25yearsmlc]

And if you MUST contact him, do it by email, not text. Easier to keep documentation and an email back from him doesn't require immediate response.

Fair^^^ but turns out, any "direct" contact with him seems too tempting for me to blast him, which gets me nowhere. And it obsesses me. Truly No Contact is best for me.

I need brother and or Lawyer to forward my wants. And I will ask for it all.

I think we both just want it over. The piece of this that is ego, of course is bothered.

But I get that.
For some reason I really want it "known" (as if) that h was the one who delayed things. Not me.

His insistence on not paying me "a cent" and that he'd "rather be a pauper" and his repeated court violations are why we are still not divorced after a year of sep. He's cheap and selfish and dishonest. Oh yeah.

I assume he wants to marry schmoopie or "begin" working (i mean, openly) and thus, the pressure to move forward. Who knows? Maybe he's on Schmoopie #2...

Even though it hurts to feel replaced, (& it does) that is not a new feeling. Plus it kind of makes no difference. I mean, I know we are done. i know I am done.

I have nothing to give h except maybe, someday, cordiality and pity. The man I thought I loved and was devoted to, is like someone I knew a long time ago. That lovable guy is not "dead" per se, (b/c if he is, no one told me and no one brought food!)

more like he's on the Australian bush and is unreachable, maybe always will be...

He's a Separate entity from the cruel jerk h who has not seen our kids in a year, demanded they embrace HIS happiness with OW, treated me so badly when I was so sick, and has engaged in such long term deceit and character assassination that I'm just sickened by him and the past year has royally sukked.

At the moment I'm as disgusted by my renting so much head space to him - as I am to his behavior.

Today, I feel duped and I deeply resent that. Very tired of it. I think I've flipped the switch and I hope it lasts.

I am fairly confident that mostly it's about the money fears now. Fears that are holding me back, not the wish for my old life. The "itchy sweater" feeling I had suppressed the past few years was NOT okay with me.

I don't miss that, and I don't miss the eggshells h required and the high maintenance and not so subtle controlling negative forces in my life. OMG I'm shaking my head that an educated funny attractive woman *(YES ME!!) could have put up with this for so long

the law of sunken costs -- yeah i remember. (*Obviously I'm journalling here in free association).

Okay so, my nieces' WEDDING Saturday was a blast. Top 5 weddings of the 40 I've attended. I had maybe a total of 4-5 minutes cumulatively of feeling teary, but I contained them and I danced wildly. Also made a pretty brilliant toast, btw. (It was a good toast, but then there were a ton of rambling mumbling toasts which made MINE look better by comparison... )

d20 got way too drunk (as did most of the millennials, so maybe I'll just stop obsessing about that) and thankfully, no one was driving.

Some of the groomsmen took their shirts off later in the night. So some cops were called due to reports of "strippers" but ALAS, that was not true. It was hot and humid and we were just dancing.

Also they did NOT look bad without their shirts...just saying.

Also - why are you narrowing down your areas of dispute?

because I don't want to rehash what we know I'm getting (half the pension and at least half the nest egg.)

H pretends it's a concession; its not. Those are givens.



Don't give away your bargaining chips. You can use those things you don't care that strongly about as bargaining chips.

understood

[Maybell]

more like he's on the Australian bush and is unreachable, maybe always will be...

Interesting you say this.

During the year of our separation I found a lot of healing in my dreams. They were vivid and memorable and very clear in their meaning.

The one that caused me to finally drop the rope with Mr. Fantastic was that I was walking down a long hotel corridor looking for him. I stopped at one door and I knew he was inside the room, sitting on a recliner and playing video games. The room was totally empty otherwise. (I don't know how I knew this since the door was closed, but just go with me here... it was a dream.) Anyway, I knew he was in there and I knocked and knocked and called to him, but he just sat in his recliner playing video games. I think there was a sense that he wanted to get up and open the door, but didn't know how to. And after a time, I just had to keep on walking; I couldn't stay there knocking and calling for the rest of my life.

And when I woke up I was ok with leaving him behind.

I have always taken comfort with the thought that he wanted to get up and answer the door, but didn't know how. I think that was true, given how poorly he relates to people. But it's also true that the hallway was stretching in front of me, and his was only one door. I am still angry with so much of how he's behaved. And hurt that sometimes it seems like he's trying to send the message that *I* was the problem, and he's just fine, thank you very much. But that dream had truth in it.

I think it's true for your H too. Where Mr. Fantastic had video games Dr. Alaska has the tundra. He uses women to get him there, but at the end of the day he just doesn't know how to answer the call to a deeper, richer relationship and so he just moves on to the next one and the next one, where they can stay fairly shallow at least for a time.

I'm so glad you had such a great time at the wedding. I've been thinking about you. Thanks for checking in.

[KGuy]

Boy, you said I write allot? I think I've caught up on where you are at the moment, but i did skim a little ;-)

Sounds like you are already are onto what H wants to avoid. In my experience, Judges do see through all the games and if they have a good idea that he is hiding assets, he will get roasted. His L probably told him that and thats why he called your brother. I think its as simple as that. As others have said, just let the process work itself out ad for goodness sake don't contact him directly ;-)

[25yearsmlc]

Boy,- i did skim a little ;-)

Sounds like you are already are onto what H wants to avoid. In my experience, Judges do see through all the games and if they have a good idea that he is hiding assets, he will get roasted.


I can't recall if you were in a CA divorce, K, but that'd^^^ be great if true,

but unless I locate the assets, it's an extreme pain. Are you familiar with CA law? Alaska's subpoenas require Alaskan attorneys there Because theres no reciprocity, so it increases hassle & costs.

Also, I "won" 8 months ago and have yet to receive the full amount in a single month. I can objectively say that H has played dirty, and I believe he'll lose at trial. (I could be wrong). H "retired" to avoid paying support.

But even winning will cost me/us $100k more, and perhaps more importantly will cause me to borrow more money from family and friends.

I have never, ever borrowed money from people before. It's not cool. I'll do it if mandatory, but at some point you have to ask yourself - for instance - if you want to pay $100k in legal fees to win $125k, a year later.

I no longer insist on what I think is "Fair" to me - so much as what I NEED to be financially secure. Maybe that's wrong, but its how i feel lately.


His L probably told him that and thats why he called your brother. I think its as simple as that.

Not so simple, I think there is pressure on h that is beyond his attorney advising him, b/c the attorney has told h his case is not strong the whole time.

My brother said h was "pleading" in his tone, (and no, I do not think it's likely that h wants to reconcile. Even if he did, there is too much water under the bridge, & I cannot see how trust would ever re-appear. I'm done. An aspect of ego would make it great to hear the grand apology but since I know I AM SO DONE, it's not as important as it may have once been. Even if h marries Schmoopie it only marginally bothers me. The feeling of being discarded and disregarded, is pretty $h1tty. I admit that.

But being hurt is not the same as wanting h back and missing intimacy and being part of a couple, is not the same as missing my h.

H cannot be alone and he dove right into a relationship from our bed. And announced it on fb. What healthy secure (Kind or empathetic) man does that? ( And who wants to date a guy leaving a 35 year marriage the next day? --- or the months before?) .

I can't get into h's head so my goal in that arena is just not to let myself wonder.

It's already producing anxiety and confusion. & Backsliding into anger, so I'm redirecting my thoughts as best i can. And feeling very grateful for the meditation app.


As others have said, just let the process work itself out

I don't know who said that^ KG, b/c the advice I've gotten here is to get better or additional legal help and circumvent or speed up or press the process b/c the process sukks and is NOT working itself out.

I am not at all impressed by the process working itself out. That is why I'm fine with my brother involving himself, to an extent.


I am hoping Bro can reduce the issues H & I disagree on NOT b/c I'm giving into them but b/c h seems to think he is "Giving" me things like half the pensions whereas I'm entitled to it by law due to the length of our m and supporting him the whole time he worked there and I gave up a partnership in a law firm to move 9 times, take care of the kids ETC ETC ETC.

So that's not something I want to debate anymore and that's something my brother can assist in. AS IN --- "H, the pensions are Not negotiable as they are givens. So let's move on to something that we can negotiate, like giving 25 a lump sum in lieu of spousal support and..."

My CA lawyer will still have to sign off on things AND there are issues only My CA lawyer is qualified to do. Bro used to do divorce law but then years ago switched to a more pleasant and well paying specialty. (But bro was divorced and remembers quite a few realities.)

My hope is that my brother may get h to realize that h's numbers are just delusional.

If he fails, I won't have paid another $20k to Not get through to h



ad for goodness sake don't contact him directly ;-)

I get it, it was one text in a year, with 1 sentence on it, responding to H's 3-4 requests made in 24 hours - the night before a big family wedding...

(Um, Hells to the no.)

After 35 years of marriage & 2 years of dating, I am confident it was not pursuit.

[25yearsmlc]

So h and my brother (a L) spoke last night. Brother is not replacing my CA L, but helping narrow down what is actually in dispute.

In the 10 months since the court ruled that h was to pay me "$10" a month, (pension + temporary support), h has yet to pay the full amount. Not once.

And never the same date each month. I have to hunt for it and hope it's there. Oh and usually it's snail mail. What gives? When I could not drive, I had to take an uber to the bank. WTF?

ALSO H took all the joint accounts when we separated so that, in addition to spousal support, h owes me the half of our assets he took. It is not a small amount.

But When brother said that h is in arrears and ought to catch up with those, before we can discuss settling,

h told brother that his "L said he's Not in arrears."

HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT????

& I thought I was the comedian.

So I can't decide if h is being played by his L ("h, I will win big for you!") or if h "misunderstood" his L or just convinces himself of what he wishes. I doubt h told his L that he just took all the money when we separated. Oops.

Brother said h is "amenable" to settling & said h seems "worn and beaten down." It's so easy for me to feel sorry for h, but that is a very bad idea.

The 3 channels of H, Charm, rage and self pity.

I remind myself that h posted on FB about his "love of his life" OW just weeks after we sep, and bragged about introducing his new honey to "the family" (meaning his dad/brother since our kids refused). Who would be that cruel?

We were not fighting a lot before he left (H got mad a few times and it was, frankly, strange. All one sided, and way over the top. I get it now, but back then, I was bewildered by his anger).

H quit (or claimed to) his "greatest ever" job to avoid paying support and he told our kids that he would do so.

Why he told them, is beyond me. What was I supposed to do with that?

Oh yeah, and he was AWOL when I was in the hospital, which actually humiliated me and Oh yea, and h cut off tuition for d20... reading this^^ is like a splash of cold water in the face. "Thanks for the reality check, 25!"

When the LBS starts really thinking about a recon, I have to suggest an objective review of events. NOT to keep score but to assess how they'll feel down the road. Can they trust and find peace again, with the partner who inflicted so much pain on them?

my cousin and aunt reconciled with their spouses, but it was a few years after they divorced.

I presume there's a h wants to marry Schmoopie, or openly working at the surgery center as he has been the whole time. My brother said he seemed "worn out and beaten down."

I'm working hard not to care. It's harder than I expected. I am not detached enough and still struggle with the injustice of his boldly $h1tty behavior.

It's only when I face the reality of who he is that I find comfort in my new life. Not revenge, just more peace. I am where I must be.

If one text from me to him & one back, in almost a year, threw me off this much, NC is best. .


h told my brother that the "kids are not talking" to him and that h was hurt. As far as I know, h's arms still work - so He could pick up a phone and call our kids.

The longer he goes without contact, the worse HE will feel and
H created the very alienation he resents. What a cycle.

I genuinely see him a lot differently. Like I said, there are 2 h's.

One is the man I deeply loved and committed to. Spent 2/3 of my life with. I figure that guy is on an interplanetary trip, where he's unreachable (or the Australian bush??)

and he's not coming back ever or for light years anyhow. (Maybe the kids will be able to reach him someday.)

The other man is the spew spitting lunatic I'm divorcing. Extremely irritable, dishonest and disloyal.

I cannot wait to be divorced from him.

How strange that^^ is to say.