25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Psy

please learn from my experience. It matters. I attended a divorce seminar thru some organization with the word "woman" in it. I don't recall the name exactly, but it was $25 and had a L, a Financial Planner and a T speaking. Very worthwhile.

The CFP said "this is the most important financial transaction of your life. Don't avoid it. Know what you need to know."

True^^^

[25yearsmlc]

UPDATE - my L called (the senior partner) Says

1) I need to pay up in advance, or they can't keep me on as a client (ouch.)

I Never knew I was behind, but I've been stressed about opening all their mail, tbh. Not very adult like on my part.

2) L says that I "will get the money, the retirement funds aren't going anywhere. But your H is a 'lying cheating b1tch' who will make it a pain in the a$$ to get it."

(I have no experience bring a client. So I don't know if other attorneys engage like this.)

and 3) it's a settlement conference coming in October, not merely a 'hearing'.

The settlement conference is news to me. I'm anxious & glad, but I am surprised it was not clearer to me earlier.

I don't see an alternative to paying up, crossing my fingers and praying hard for the best outcome for me.


So sorry, 25. It is hard and frustrating, I know.

My MLCer is certainly coming out to play! I think we all reflect on how to balance the person in front of us with who we think they were, especially after a long M.[b] I see MLC as being a pendulum really that releases a shadow side of our spouses, particularly if they are still in Replay. [/b]

Treasure, I understand the need to understand. I am working on letting go of that need as it really does hinder my forward motion. And I don't believe it is possible for us to understand behavior we would not ever engage in. I practiced criminal law defense for 4 years and though I knew some patterns (client wants a stereo that his neighbor has so client steals it. I "understood" it but only in abstract terms and while knowing my client was a sociopath.)

I do not believe I will ever understand my h's choices and I don't want to keep wondering . The only way to understand it is to project my values onto him but if he shared mine, we would not be here so it's a circular and giant waste of time for me.


And It often feels like I'm still giving h my power.

I believed in the term "MLC" it 10+ years ago b/c I saw it as new conduct from h and I could not grasp his behavior any other way.
Some behaviors like not paying bills on time, were new. But -
Now that I'm here again, I have to wonder

1) if "MLC" ever applied

and 2) if it matters.

BTW, I never understood "replay" as a term. Another round of abusive behavior?

What would motivate them to stop? Their risky gamble didn't pay off (for them, i mean.) They don't want to look bad, and somehow missed the connection between their behavior and results.

But oops, they created a lot of wreckage they do not want to see. And IF they see the damage and IF they tell us, it's likely to be in a way that seeks our compassion for them, not their giving compassion to us. Like self pity about what "happened" to them, and what THEY have lost...


My x BIL pulled that on my older sister. My older sister is probably the kindest woman I have ever known, she's attractive and nurturing (a nurse of course) and utterly loyal. The x BIL was a selfish fool. And when he had his awakening, it was when my sister was remarrying. Nice timing. He gave a short but direct apology to her and said he "gets it" and that he F--- up. But notice that he did not say he was so very sorry for hurting HER and the KIDS...no it was about the great catch she was -whom HE LOST...

She was sad FOR him (!) and for their kids. But she thanked him for letting her know and then she remarried her new h later than month. Her ex also got engaged and remarried too...

Speaking just for me, I now see that it was vitally important to call my h's first episode as a MLC b/c a few things fit and b/c I wanted to preserve my m and family,

And I now see another reason ---which is b/c the thought that I had married a selfish man with charm & intelligence, who would lie to avoid any consequences, was too devastating to me.

I definitely mistook h's strong work ethic and intelligence, for character. The cruelty is a disappointment but I'm trying not to let anything surprise me again.

But in the short-term, and in a L process, it doesn't matter - we just have to deal with the current persona. It's extraordinary how destructive and self-centred they are.

Hugs from the UK x [/quote]

It sure seems extraordinary. The frightening thing is maybe its not.

I have long assumed h will eventually renew contact with the kids. I have long assumed it is just a matter of time.

But the idea that h has removed and replaced our family permanently, is not unbelievable now. Not sure where the he11 his dad and wife are as far as our kids. I get that they detest awkward social situations and are not the reaching out types. But our kids are FIL's ONLY grandkids...WTF?

Anyhow,

If recent history is predictive, then H won't reach out to the kids if he fears rejection, (which is a reasonable expectation, considering)

And those fears will just increase with time b/c the longer he goes without reaching out, the harder and less likely it'll be. Somehow on H's scorecard, which he clearly must have, and in his distorted narrative, I and or we as a family, are way behind h the hero.

In h's narrative, he is the hero and I am the villain. No way I can change that.

Don't know h anymore. Accepting I will never know. Working on not caring.

[OwnIt]

25--

I know you don't like labels, but your guy (like mine) is 100% narcissist at this point. I hope that anyone reading your thread who has concerns that their H is a narcissist takes this to heart. He will make your life a living h$ll and do what he can to stop you from getting the money. It is all about control with these people and you took it away from him by filing. Not right, not fair, but that is how it goes. Please, if you have a severely narcissistic H and you are reading this, know that you have a different path before you than a lot of folks here.

He will come back again. Yes, he fears rejection and that will keep him away, but to the narcissist who needs supply in a hurry the best source of supply is that which has proven reliable in the past. And believe me, they have relatively short memories.

I'm sorry but I am not impressed by your lawyers. I have paid about $300 to my current lawyer. I met with her in person for an hour or two and have had many phone and email conversations for which she has not charged me. No idea why, perhaps a professional courtesy. She is in the business of repping people in divorce. She knows we have relatively high assets, but she told me from day one not to file and stay married as long as possible. My prior lawyer (the one who did the waste of paper agreement for me and mislead me about a couple of areas of the law charged me about $3,000).

I'm wondering if a change up in strategy is in order for you at this point. I don't see how it could hurt.

[kml]

My ex definitely had MLC (twice - when he turned 40 and then as he was approaching 50).

But it was only later that I came to realize that he was also a narcissist, and that much of what went on in our marriage was related to that. And that it's possible that there were more infidelities than I realized at the time.

Sometimes it takes a while for the rose colored glasses to come off and to see our exes as they really were. At the same time, not everything was bad - I got a lot of good years out of my marriage, maybe more than most people get, and I try to make an effort to remember that.

As for being cordial with my ex - honestly, if he only hadn't been such a jerk in relation to the kids after our divorce, I'd have been inviting him and his wife to Thanksgiving dinner by now. But his behavior since our divorce was settled, has pretty much eliminated any such possibility. I keep my interactions with him to the very very bare minimum. It's been months since I even had to have an email from him and that's how I like it.

[leahsue]

Nothing to add, 25, except I just felt like I needed to send you a hug.

(((((((25))))))))

BTW, I took Maybell's advice to you and the results ended up nicely. If you haven't already, go back and read her post to you slowly, and follow up.

I'm about to pull up my own thread and update, although my online time right now is limited. Suffice it to say, I feel a little like Naples, FL right now. I'm in the calm eye of the storm, but there's more wind and rain ahead.

[Citygrl]

Have been reading your posts for awhile and feel compelled to chime in. From what you write, I am not impressed by your lawyer. If you have any doubt, go see another one. This is too important to have doubts. I shopped around and my layer said the problem with my husband having a bad lawyer is that he will be giving husband bad advice and that will just increase costs. Your lawyer may be the same. The fact that you are unclear on some basic things at this point and the manner your lawyer speaks to you is sending off warning bells. Maybe you were just venting but if not go see someone else.

I know the system works differently where you are from me but I would think the law would protect you more.

I am sorry to hear your situation is so difficult. You seem to be handling things so well under all that pressure.

[25yearsmlc]

guys

I hear you about the L's but I'm not starting over at this point. I can't. It's easy to tell others that you don't think well of their lawyers, but saying "it can't hurt to start over" is simply not true.

h took the savings, so I'm borrowing the legal fees & banking on getting the bulk or all of the nest egg.

more later

[OwnIt]

Just to be clear, my suggestion was a new strategy, not a new lawyer.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm open to ideas

[Maybell]

25, you seem like a sharp cookie, I'm sure you've got it under control. Divorcing a narcissist is no picnic and he's certainly thrown every obstacle possible in your path. It must be so frustrating to have to borrow money to achieve something HE claims to have wanted.

((((((25))))))