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#2761011 - 09/11/17 04:26 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: Maybell]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13350
Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: Maybell
25,

I say this with love.

Let the process play out. You can't control this.


Good point.


I think you are like me, in that you spent so many years covering for him that you've gotten used to the idea that you can control your environment. It's hard to acknowledge that that was a mirage. (At least to some extent).

I like the idea of your being able to *text or email* that you received the message through your brother and that Dr. Alaska is free to send you a settlement offer which you will take seriously. Take it straight to your lawyer since that is, after all, what you're paying her for. Tell her what you think of it and carry on.

In negotiations, I want the other side to say the number first. And I know With h, he will lowball me AND think it's "fair". If it's insulting to me (and it will be)...

oh for God's sake, I'm looking at ^^^ this - my own words -and just overly complicating it. cry



Don't worry about Dr. Alaska's motives. You don't have enough information to use them against him and they will only keep you spinning.

Motives? He wants to save money. THAT part is not complicated to me. As to whether he wants to marry Schmoopie or just be able to work openly or go to the moon, can't go there.


I would give you a hug if I could. You seem like you could use one.

((( )))

Yeah, it's true. My older sister came over tonight for a bit. She is a great woman, was a great daughter to both my parents, and was a great wife & great sister. Man I miss my mom. Her wild gesticulations to compensate for English being her 2nd language. She was French and had some great idioms, some of which may have just been hers... laugh


Oh, you are right about the self pity and though H will or already is missing the kids - I think he feels HIS loss. That is not to say he wants a recon

and frankly, at some deep level ( if he has a deep level that he's in touch with)

IF he wanted a recon b/c hey, this D is super UN fun and what happened to the "temporary sep" and the "rebooting the M"??

but he cannot face himself or the wreckage he created. Maybe a few hours of tears -he has moments of clarity. But then he'd revert. It's just too much for him to cope with (geez, if it were me, it would be too much!)

But h is not me.

And in truth, I could not feel the same for him. I don't. I can cast out the anger and the hurt, for a few minutes at least. And look at it objectively.

He did not have my back when I needed him, which just was a gut punch. I read that A's are the worst betrayals possible and I get what they are saying. But for ME, he was AWOL when I was sick and truly needed him, the DOCTOR. cry


So No matter what he does we are done as a couple, (okay, okay I'm a literalist. IF H had a brain tumor, I'd at least be very civil & make sure he got good care. He's my kid's dad). But I cannot count on him. Boom, mic drop.

I'm not destined to be m to him again. And that doesn't make me as sad anymore. Lately I feel - a sense of relief, as I see the recent marital past as something I should not have endured. I am working to forgive myself for that. And it is work. I feel stupid. I heard that h told my BIl that "this was coming for a long time." REALLY? Because i did not know. Guess he forgot to tell ME. And It is another slap - as if I was so stupid I did not see the obvious. More marital revisions.

It was my only m and it was a long one. The sunk cost theory and diminishing returns are valid realizations. Gosh I wish I'd been more in touch with MY feelings.

I could not envision losing my intact family. My T said Bailing water as fast as I could on a sinking ship. But that is gone now. So I don't have to do the heavy lifting anymore.


I want to repeat to you that YOU WILL BE OK REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME HERE. I feel like you are in the trees, which is appropriate for the moment, but it is calming to remember the forest. And the mountains beyond it. And the ocean beyond that.
'

Maybell, in my head, I know this^^^ . And probably 5/7 days I act like it. I reflect and journal and then go about my day. And it helps to know that in the future I will be fine. It helps me TODAY in the present, to know that.

I also think that where the head goes, the heart will follow.
But my heart is not following yet. Not the desire for a recon, but the desire for resolution and peace.

I wonder why the past few days have been like PTSD or something. I was waking up with my heart racing and walking my dog too, and have felt physically weird and thought

"Oh dang, is this another seizure? Oh no, I'll be stupid again for weeks!"

But I think it was me freaking out just walking my dog - like a panic attack. Never had one before. I got through it with cognitive work (meditating with an app on my phone, deep breaths) This is rare for me.

Oh, and THEN I got the L call to pay up or say bye, and oh btw, we are having a conference in a few weeks...

And that hearing and the year anniversary (like I should be farther along by now. My my new life should be ALL fine by now...)

and the funding issue (I have never borrowed money before) and my d's coming and my wanting my condo to look all together it all just cumulatively got to me.

I pour everything out here. I do not edit my feelings. I do not rehearse how they sound. I want to move thru this as fast as possible WHILE also trying to be gentle with myself.

Balancing act...like so much of this.


I gotta say, I almost admire people who can ask straight face - for money from friends. OMG it kills me. I was the lender, not the borrower!! cry

BTW, a niece of mine is marrying this Saturday. I'm not worried about how it feels to see a wedding (though I love the idea of me making a drunken bitter "toast" at the reception, just to make my niece nervous. "Hey, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!! YEAH, GOOD LUCK little girl!") but I have to pull it together and act as if. And I will. It'll be very fun.

I just have to focus on this FAMILY time that I so love. And stop stressing about it.
REFRAME this as a totally good thing not a stressor.


Do not let Dr. Alaska steal any more of your peace of mind. For all anyone can tell, he just made that phone call to unsettle you and give you hope before the settlement conference. We can not mind read one way or the other till we know how serious his actual offer is.

Of all the scenarios I don't think it's that^. There was no bluster or threats thru my brother whereas the aggressive posturing is all I have heard of, so far. Interesting change.

(Sidenote, I can imagine a scenario in which my L might want me to know "hey, your h is Not interested in settling, he feels it's unfair, does not seem to want to settle"

THAT ^^^ is relevant without being really hurtful.

But otherwise h's L has passed on way too many personally hurtful comments including that HE hates my h. What?

it's just way too much info for me. And I suspect the L's have passed on the comments I have made which were made in confidence (and in pain).

OH FREE ADVICE - I have learned something I should have known. Don't use your L as a T and don't use your T as a L. I made the mistake of babbling to my L about WHY WHY and blah blah blah b/c I did not have a T here for the first few months. Huge bills and not great T advice anyhow.



PS don't you think he HAD to play the self-pity card to get your brother to listen to him? I mean, rage would have gotten him no where. And if he is marrying Schmoopie? That's a kick in the teeth and no mistake. But it tells you very clearly who he is and that gives you clarity, even with the pain.

Maybell, YES.

Now I'm going to journal a bit and hope you can bear with me. Your comment triggered a major venting -- hold on!

Self pity -the past 5 years it's been a tendency h has if he's not in a grandiose mode or on the fury channel. He's a victim, a hero or infuriated.

As far as I know, H did not mention Schmoopie to my bro. He'd be a true moron to do so.

BUT heck yeah, h is a victim. OH wow, I just recalled that when h volunteered for a deployment (which he was very vague about. Let me think his whole unit was going.)

But my kids saw thru it. They Said it's "just another distracting adventure away from family" and I shook my head. I'm a veteran and did not see it that way -then.

But h was furious our kids did not write to him. I could not force them to though I asked probably 5 times. They resisted mightily and in anger. "Why should we? He's left again.."

They were still hurt about his other YEARS away from them. They spoke to him by phone, but did not write. I did.

btw, neither h nor the Army did make it simple to send him things. I recall now spending $65 to send h a care package. WTF?

No way is that normal, but h did not lift a finger for it to be convenient. Didn't say "oh use this free APO, etc. Very typical.

He called us from there on a wacky free phone and always between 2 and 5 am my time.

I always answered CHEERFULLy b/c hey, he's in combat and I'm a veteran and I get it. No matter what, you STFU and support. Like guys need to do for their w's in pregnancy.

BUT H complained to everyone including my family in a giant email that his d's did not write to him! You'd think he'd be embarrassed to admit that, b/c it's[b] obviously a reflection on HIS r's with them![/b] he's the parent, remember?

He should wonder why HIS r's with them were so poor. But nope! They were bad d's and he saw himself as a victim. SMH. My family was unimpressed but maybe h's dad cared...

OMG now I recall that S31 wrote a long detailed letter to h back then, explaining that in the kids eyes, h had abandoned them before. H wrote back the oddest non sequitur letter to s31.

S31 kept a copy and asked me to read it a few months ago. Objectively, it was weird.

H's first line thanked S31 for a "thoughtful reply" Then transitioned (??) and spoke of h's working out a lot, and his weird desert haircut, and flying wounded soldiers in a medevac. A few comments about the culture. It was a whole page or two with nothing emotionally disclosing or insightful. Not a single sentence other than thanking for the thoughtful reply. Good grief.

H simply lacks self awareness to a pathological degree. My family knew the deal. It's like H had begun to believe his own narrative. Geez...God only knows what he told his dad/wife. Oh well, NO control over that and yep, letting go of it.

Again,
As to why h called OR called that bro, who knows? God knows it's Way easier than chancing a chat with me. smirk
Bro did not pick up on any anger, as far as I know. ( I asked.)
bro said h was "nice, and polite on the phone." I asked bro about h cutting off d20 from college and bro said he did not share info with h, but h did mention the kids not speaking to him, and h is deeply hurt by that".

Maybell you're right, h would have to play victim - any more character assassination of me would be foolish.
The adult part of me says bro did what needed to be done.

In a few minutes I'm going to meditate and there are some great ones on "Insight Timer" and "Calm" about letting go of the need to know our future and the need to let go of the past, being in the present.





If there's anything I can do to help I will. But I know for sure that you will be OK.


Thank you. I'm on fb irl but will look again at the cite you mentioned.

Maybell, thank you.
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

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#2761015 - 09/11/17 04:42 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: OwnIt]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13350
Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: OwnIt
This guy is bad to the bone. Keep that in mind. Every time you want to take him back tell yourself what you would say to me if I said the same thing.


Not taking him back Own. Someday it might be nice to be able to be in the same room b/c I think my son will marry the woman he's dating. I don't want wedding drama for him.

And d20 will graduate from college (remember h? forgot) and my guess is that as hurt/angry as d20 is, she is probably going to want him at her graduation. I think she yearns for him.

So I will probably have to see h again. My goal is not to lose my $h1t. (& look great!)

If I say otherwise, feel free to smack me. I literally cannot imagine it happening now.

Oh, I had a dream about it, sort of. I was driving h and we were together so I assume we were recon. In the dream we seem to be getting along well and h is saying something soothing. So in the dream I drop h off and we kiss goodbye and I'm driving again.

I'm alone in the car, and suddenly I get really upset and mad and sad about our m, all b/c something triggers it in me. In my dream, it was a past event triggering such an emotional state in me It was like a forehead slapping moment.

I felt intense pain and resignation too. My wording was vague in the dream but amounted to "Oh YEAHHHHH, h did X & Y and Z& then he lied about it all and ...we are not a good couple. Too far gone."

And in my dream, I realized there is no turning back. And in reality, that is also true.

I'm not trying to be a downer for folks here. But this is round 2 for me, and my first round was 2 years long and then had a decade long recon.

Today I'm worn out.
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2761022 - 09/11/17 04:59 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
OwnIt Online
Member

Registered: 03/16/17
Posts: 1118
Loc:
25--

Something to think about. Obviously you have to do what makes you comfortable. When involved in negotiations, I always encourage my clients to have discussions with the other side. You often can learn more by listening in a settlement meeting than you can in all of discovery. My guess is that you would learn things that you would like to know or would hear things that would help with your closure.

Also, your H will doubtless say things that have meaning to you and that your brother won't quite understand in the same way. A suggestion, set up a three-way call. Arrange in advance with your bro that he will do the talking. Both of you have access to computers during the call so you can communicate and ask him to ask your H any questions you might have, and then, just sit back and listen.

I would love it if you could get him to walk through the different assets and have him verbally tell you what he thinks should happen to each and what his rationale is. Without you chiming in at all. The longer he talks, the looser his lips will get. The more you sanitize this through the lawyers (like asking him to send you a lawyer-generated draft out of the gate), the less you learn and the more you are just repeating the same process. There is time for that later. Give him just enough rope to hang himself.

I would just let him talk. And yes, have him give you his proposal. He knows where the proverbial bodies are buried and he is the one that has come forward with an agenda.

I also think by you sitting it out that you send him a message other than a confident lawyer/wife who will stand up for herself.

Just consider it.

I'm not saying to commit to anything without running it by your lawyer, but before anyone puts pen to paper just listen to the guy.
_________________________
M 25 years
EA 6-12/11
ILYBINILWY 11/13
BD 1/16 PA w/OW1 (6/13-1/17)
Sep 10/16
OW2 as of 3/17

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#2761027 - 09/11/17 06:12 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: OwnIt]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13350
Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: OwnIt
25--

Something to think about. Obviously you have to do what makes you comfortable. When involved in negotiations, I always encourage my clients to have discussions with the other side. You often can learn more by listening in a settlement meeting than you can in all of discovery.

Just for the record, I have negotiated very large settlements for medical malpractice claims. I feel comfortable in negotiations . Obviously this is not typical as I'm personally involved in all disclosures - emotionally struck, (or hidden money) AND it has a huge impact on the rest of my life.

I know how to listen. I also know H won't do well on his own. I know he will not listen for long if it's not what HE wants. And mind you, there were major gaps in his "offer" and the only thing other than the minimum he barked out 10 months ago, was the spousal support and how many years I'd want it. Like it just occurred to him.

(BTW, not sure if his L told him - but I did not say I expected SS the rest of my life. To my knowledge, no one did. Then again, the moment the judge ordered TEMPORARY support, h blurted out he would "not pay that the rest of" his life.

He really does hear what he fears, not what's said. (Why bother using words?)


The risk is him getting crazy mad, & reversing course to stubbornly cling to his original "f- u" approach. Own you have your strategy with your Narkles and I respect that you think it's what works for you. You know your h a lot better than I ever will.

But what I've read and what my T advises is NC. It has protected me immensely, as has FB blocking.
\
And he seems to be coming to the table without me having stuck my neck out.



My guess is that you would learn things that you would like to know or would hear things that would help with your closure.

yes I would obviously learn things I want to know, including how much he'll lie. It's intel gathering.

But not sure about how it would help with closure from this. Explain?

And I may not get "closure" from him. I actually do not expect it. In some ways I don't think it often exists in a form we can accept.

My older sister's h left after 22 years and 3 kids (and when I say she was a great wife, I freaking mean it. Still cannot think of a "flaw" in my older sister, other than being a nurse not earning 6 figures...)
HE called her to say he F-- up" about a month before she was to marry her new h.

I guess that is closure but she says 2 things

1) she will always feel some pain about the effect on the kids, and that she also struggles with the injustice of her ex having so much money, but being very detached from their kids. Like a monthly call or text and a weekend a year..."he's close to his kids!"

And 2) she feels much more valued in her present m. Her new (14 years now) h definitely makes her THE priority in his life.

Is that closure? I think it's the closest I have come to see it.




Also, your H will doubtless say things that have meaning to you and that your brother won't quite understand in the same way. A suggestion, set up a three-way call. Arrange in advance with your bro that he will do the talking.


Both of you have access to computers during the call so you can communicate and ask him to ask your H any questions you might have, and then, just sit back and listen.

I would love it if you could get him to walk through the different assets and have him verbally tell you what he thinks should happen to each and what his rationale is. Without you chiming in at all. The longer he talks, the looser his lips will get.

The more you sanitize this through the lawyers (like asking him to send you a lawyer-generated draft out of the gate), the less you learn and the more you are just repeating the same process. There is time for that later.

you mean redundant summaries and more $$ for the L's? When is the later time for it if we are negotiating?

You mean to say to h, "running it by my L's and will get back to you"??



Give him just enough rope to hang himself.


hang himself how so? And what am I doing about it, telling the judge about ex parte communications?

hang himself - The gaps in his proposal MAY be b/c he's just unprepared and jotted down a note

(like the scrap paper he used to mail D20's her "Dear d - good luck being on your own earlier! Btw, there is No money from me coming to you b/c.....b/c I RETIRED!!" -- with patient's notes on the back of the last page. All torn out of a small spiral notebook with words crossed out (that type of preparation??)

He might not be prepped, or he might hide things, and or lie

my guess is all 3 of the above^^^

FYI he originally - way back when-- demanded I give him a number. (Sarcastically?) suggested I take "all the retirement funds! Just give me a number! It's a simple questions!".

Should have said "oh, okay. And some up front cash."

But he was in no mood for that then. I was too foggy.

If we were to get in front of a judge, I think he'd lose.

I also believe he's been confronted with our son's affidavit and the fb posting from a patient thanking him for being such a great doctor (h was wearing the scrubs with the surgery center's name 3 months after he 'retired')

you know this I think. Own, one thing I must do is not want more of the money he is earning and hiding. On principle.

I told the kids we "might be able to settle this soon." no other info.

Then s31 texted me "WIN". And my d's sent thumbs up emojis. They are the wrinkle Own. I cannot cave in to H or my kids will feel let down.

I'm modeling something for them and I cannot be steamrolled. The little things my brother said not to be bogged down in, are very symbolic to me. The life insurance he cancelled, now costs us both more per month - to get survivors benefit, b/c the fool is just that.

Bro said "that's only a few hundred" and he's right. but it's a sticky point (not just to the kids), b/c it was indisputably mean. Kids see that as bullying and me just taking it.

H's L told mine that "h swore up & down he paid for it." And we all know there are the other monies.

The challenge there,^^ will be how to say "oh, hey I found an account that you probably overlooked but we need to divide that too....

as soon as he feels he does not look great, he may bolt. That is a pattern (not to mention how enjoyable it'll be for me).

You gotta wonder what his L thinks -if he's still around.

I did tell my L (and bet she passed it on, which I hoped) that H'sL

"is either suggesting h's dishonesty & contempt of court, or has the least client control of any L I've dealt with." Which is true for civil cases.

Please tell me we are not unicorns who don't actually lie for clients...?





I would just let him talk. And yes, have him give you his proposal. He knows where the proverbial bodies are buried and he is the one that has come forward with an agenda.

For quite some time now, MY L has said 'we need a number" without actually saying "25, YOU have to do all this computing and tell me and I'll tell h's L"

I don't know that she intends that to happen but I DO wonder what they are waiting for.

(To be fair, I have not looked carefully at my emails. Sh1t, maybe their proposals are all in there and I need to STFU.)

I'd like to have a counter (presented by bro or me or my L) number so I can deal with what to expect. I myself have done research and feel I know the range.



\
I also think by you sitting it out that you send him a message other than a confident lawyer/wife who will stand up for herself.


Meaning, to look weak for him? Not sure I can do that and I don't mean I'm incapable. I'm a better than average actress. I just don't know why I'd do that.

To address his narc head? yes I hear that but there are 2 reasons I'm not sure of it as a tactic.

H DETESTS paperwork + admin stuff + pressure from an emotional situation + him being on the spot in any situation he's not an expert in + him NOT feeling like a hero (& maybe Schmoopie pressure to get married - or break up)

will either make him lash out - or settle/flee to end it asap. Historically, he has caved into the IRS, authority figures like his parents, to avoid conflict (& hold it against them).

A lashing out of a snarky remark ,sure. But consistently fighting it out like this ---his position with me & the legal quagmire has been new. I'm positive this was worse than h expected.


since his lashing out behavior has Not benefited him (or me), I think he wants it over.

And I can remain calm in the face of a storm.


Just consider it.

I'm not saying to commit to anything without running it by your lawyer,
but before anyone puts pen to paper just listen to the guy.



I will and am considering it. This was a surprise (isn't it great he still surprises me??? That's romance!)

I'd never dream of signing off without my L reading it first & getting my CFP;'s thoughts & any other resource.


((( )))
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

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#2761355 - 09/13/17 07:05 AM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13350
Loc: CA- now East coast
Journalling

went to DivorceCare last night. It's restarted for a new group, and yet many of my "classmates" from last spring are retaking it. Two people at least, are taking it for a 3rd time. (It's almost free, btw). And my group had continued to meet over the summer at a restaurant nearby.

There, we meet people who are or are going to be divorced or navigating something new with their ex, or kids, etc.

And you meet people for whom the wound is fresh and raw, a few were like patients who have a sucking chest wound. You just want to hug them and tell them they WILL get through this.

One young woman came who has 2 small kids, & she could barely speak. Her h is leaving this Saturday, just taking his clothes. She's taking the kids to a party while he packs and leaves. They'll return home to a missing daddy and she gets to handle any fallout, I guess.

Anyway, telling them I'm 11 months into this and thought I'd be done or "all better" led me to realize that I need to be a lot easier on myself. There is no one grading me, no bar exam to "pass". Progress is real, it's happening. I can prod myself but have to realize that being gentle with myself is not the same as staying stuck.

D28 is here from LA and d20 arrives Friday. Other than massive paperwork (which I'm not sure how to organize, to be honest), my place looks good. I'm proud of it and showing D28 around the urban area makes me feel like
"hello, this is home for me now, and it's pretty cool." cool

Plus they can see that indeed, you can move from a very large house into a condo but there's always room in mom's house.

That is where I am at the moment.

As for h, and his phone call - I think I'll call my L's Monday and suggest we narrow down what is in dispute (which has been the same area for a few months now).

It's mostly about Spousal support and I'm just not sure if h thought we could use my brother to work this out. I'm one of 4 L's in my family and on that bro USED to do divorce law but not in CA.

Oh and btw, that bro is doing trial work for Securities fraud, whic is not all that related to divorce. Like, at all.

(except for the fraud part cry!)

To speculate for JUST a minute, I can see h believing my brother should "just do us a favor" of enormous time and care, without saying much more than a brief "thanks a lot."

And not even admit it's a huge favor...h never liked feeling in debt to anyone but that did not stop his expectations. It's just that he would not feel in debt, anyhow...

entitlement is a hallmark I never pinpointed till recently. I knew h would wait till the last minute for a favor so that the person would feel great pressure, but didn't see it as the entitled thing it is.

Okay, negative spiral over, who knows what's in h's mind?
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2761391 - 09/13/17 10:42 AM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
JDub Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/17
Posts: 78
Quote:
One young woman came who has 2 small kids, & she could barely speak. Her h is leaving this Saturday, just taking his clothes. She's taking the kids to a party while he packs and leaves. They'll return home to a missing daddy and she gets to handle any fallout, I guess.

25...These stories are heartbreaking. So sorry you're going through this ordeal.

Quote:
there's always room in mom's house.

Always felt that way about my mom's house, too, until she moved into a 2-story townhouse. There's still room, but with little kids the stairs became a bit of a chore (someone always leaves a shoe upstairs). Something to think about!

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#2761407 - 09/13/17 01:35 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: JDub]
PsySara Offline
Member

Registered: 05/01/16
Posts: 706
25,
I see a lot of parallels in our WHs. My WH is ultimately concerned about how he appears to others more than how he feels about himself. So when we are out he acts very charitable and concerned about the neighbors yards (We're in Florida post Irma) and offers to help them out, meanwhile I am moving the sandbags and unpacking everything while he sits on his rump. We stayed at a friend's house during the storm and she saw how he just sorta acts like he is helping out with babysitting but doesn't actually DO anything parenting related. I have a feeling my WH will definitely let his narcissistic colors fly when the divorce starts rolling. I wouldn't put it past him to drag out the process and hide money.
_________________________
M 8yrs T 11yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
June 28 2016-start piecing
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
DD6, DS4, DS1

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#2761416 - 09/13/17 03:02 PM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: PsySara]
leahsue Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/17
Posts: 544
Loc: Alabama
25,
I'm not posting or reading much these last few days, for crazy reasons.... but I'm always drawn to yours.
All I can add to what you said above is this~

you and I are about the same age, with grown children, with Hs who are not being a family part, and at least one child who is gay, so we are in a similar struggle.

All I can advise you as you approach this weekend with part of the kids at "home", is this- through the troubling years, with both my kids in and out, I always had a certain "smell", whether it was me or the candles I specifically had on hand from a certain place, or the companion lotion and spray, or maybe all of it- no matter the actual footage or geographical location of the "home" I was in, I always made sure the smell was there- and without fail, that's the first thing they said, Wow, this smells like Leahsue." Which was a huge thing for me. Not that I didn't stumble into it, or planned it, but now I DO make sure that same smell is wherever life takes me. And so may it be with you, whether it's a smell, or a blanket, or a laundry detergent, or whatever you choose, I know first hand that it brings grown children peace to "feel" their Mama there, wherever that turns out. So maybe focus on that, and just let them soak that in- in the bed sheets, the sofa blankets, the whole house smell. That will comfort them, and remind them of you later, and bring some sense of peace and normality to them, wherever they go.

That's all I have tonight. I'm still reeling from this last round of Husband being here for ten days, and trying to sort my feelings and life post-visit. I will try to pull it together enough tomorrow to post on my own thread, but I wanted to reach out to you tonight.

Our WD Eagles didn't shine, but that's ok, we still love them and there's always a "next week".

Keep hanging on, and giving hugs to those newbies in your DC group- no one NEVER needs a hug. We all do. God bless those of us brave enough to step out there and give them.

More soon on my thread about my last 10 days with H. I need serious insights from all sides, so I'll have to lay it out like it really is, to get honest feedback. Please stay tuned, Love you, 25!
_________________________
M-59 H-50
M-13 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton


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#2761609 - 09/14/17 08:21 AM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: leahsue]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13350
Loc: CA- now East coast
Thanks all.

Leah, he11s yes to the scents! From November till January, I have home made poupurri going and sometimes I make pies.

I do feel mega stressed (h's call could not have been worse timing given that the d's are here and a big wedding marathon).

I just wanted to have fun as a family with my family and no h issues.

OH I won $50 last night for knowing that the THORACIC levels are between the cervical and lumbar. (Yeah, I might have picked up something from h along the way. God knows there was enough schooling).

So a guy in the audience says "Oh admit it. You're a DOCTOR!"

I should have said "doctor of LAW"

but I admitted "my stbx Husband is a doctor" and then the guy says (joking but still)

"That's cheating" And I almost linked the "Doctor and cheating" terms...like "yeah seems so"

but I refuse to be that way!!

OH So last night when I get in from the fun night with d28 and my family, bro calls and says

"h texted and wants to talk."

Totally changes my mood and I'm WITH MY D28!

She's the one that cannot discuss h at all. Anyhow, my a/c broke and I think I need to work on it rather than wait for the handy guy to come and rescue me. Fuses look good and fan not working either. UGH!! cry Seriously?

Anyhow, keep me posted folks!

OH

PS

my gut says even though I want to settle this divorce soon, I'd be a moron to trust h.

Not sure how to get that across (to h) without sounding disapproving and THAT is what h would react to. Not that he did anything "untoward" (best euphemism for $h1tty behavior I can come up with atm)

Also IF h informs me that he wants to hurry the D so he can marry Schmoopie OW

All I can think to say is "of course you do." And go to the next topic...

Shoot, now I've lost my appetite. Wish that had happened earlier...
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

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#2761612 - 09/14/17 08:23 AM Re: 25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13350
Loc: CA- now East coast
Leah

I'll catch up soon

remember we don't HAVE to decide anything now

and do check out the local Divorce Care groups. It's hands on guidance to getting thru this.

NOT Pro Divorce at all, but also not getting bogged down in the emotional aspects,

but more the practical you "need to know this now" stuff. Incredibly helpful.
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

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