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LA I can relate to so much of what you write, what you have been told, and how you are processing. And Peace is a personal favorite of mine so I love seeing her on your thread. You will get to a better place. No doubt.

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HI

IT always helps to get support especially from people who have traveled the same experience in this situation or any

It helps us also to support the new person

A spouse leaving in MLC is no doubt a seriously painful experience

There are many support groups locally such as Coda and alanon where one can sit in on a real meeting and hear others navigate through there issues and it helps to apply the steps and tools to our lives to speed up our healing and meet new people also going through issues.

This board does the same

Hang in
you are on your way-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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LAJar Offline OP
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OwnIt,

Thank you for stopping by to comment. Funny, you and I both moved over from Newcomer to MLC rather quickly. I've had a chance to read some of your story as well and you are one strong lady. Have you officially accepted this and decided to move on? I have read your most recent thread and it seems like you're done with his BS, but are you ready to file? While my H has filed, 3 months in I still haven't been served. With his new L, you'd think he'd know this by now. Either way, I don't know if/when I'll ever be ready to take the bull by the horns and file, serve him.

I relate to you so much with the hurt of your kids. Although my son is much older, it doesn't make it any easier. I was so sad to read of your son cutting himself. I know there's no quick fix, but I'm glad to see you've gotten him help. I do hope the best for him, as that is such a deeply physical way to express his pain. I harbor so much resentment for H in this area. H resented his father for their poor relationship and feelings of abandonment and he has turned around and done the same to my S. It's up to us to make sure H's don't pass on those same hang-ups to our S's. Really pisses me off. I am so grateful for my S. He's away at school and we had some time to speak yesterday. He made me cry because he told me he missed me. It's been a long time since I've heard that and I will put that in my bag of wins in this sh!tty experience. We've grown so much closer and he's been there for me in more ways than I expected.

Also I just have to comment on OW1 and FB. You showed much restraint by not responding to her when she reached out to you. Holy cow, the nerve of these... I call H's OW the catfish. H likes to fish and he always told me those were the worst fish because they're bottom feeders and so she was christened!

Yes, peace has been kind enough to respond to my posts. Her thoughtful words have been so appreciated.

peace,

Thank you for the suggestion of attending a support group. Of course as you said to apply the tools, but I really do believe this forum, all of the reading I've been doing has helped me to process more quickly and not wallow as much. Believe me, I wallow, just not as much. The support group would be just another avenue to listen and relate. Coda is not one I'd heard of before and their checklist to identify patterns and characteristics of codependence is a real eye-opener. I'm going to have to sit with that when I have more time and can focus. I had started to think about my handling of certain situations with H and whether I was being codependent and should have done things differently. I have to say, it is sometimes overwhelming what has evolved from this, from lawyers to finances to emotional issues. I am trying to find the positives and the hopes this will help me grow.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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LA,

I haven't filed, and I won't until he messes with the money or my children in a way that requires it. Now it is just a matter of making peace with this time. My IC doesn't want me to think of it as limbo or waiting, but we have not come up with a new term for it yet.

I did eventually talk to the OW1 and it answered some questions for me. I know at some point I will hear from the present one too. I think when people endure a similar trial they want to come to peace with it, even if like OW1 they walk into it more knowingly.

My S is doing well. We are having a little issue at school that we are going to try to deal with proactively. After cutting himself the once there were a few incidents with picking scabs and writing with the blood, but we seem to be through that part. He is definitely trying to process his pain. Thankfully he has started talking about it now. His biggest concern seems to be a fear that he will be like his father. No chance. This boy feels.

I am definitely done with his stuff. I don't care much what he is up to. I just want him to stay away from us for as long as possible. I sometimes envy my D being away on the other side of the country and being in such an exciting time of her life with so much to look forward to.

If you don't know whether it is time to file, then it isn't time. When you know what you want the path will become clear for you. Really do focus on your life. Getting back to me, to who I was before all of this stuff, has been the best part of this.

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It seems like a long wait from Bomb drop to D

I did not file and I was hoping mY xh would not but he did and he quickly M ow within months..I heard they tried to have kids at one point but he could not
Now it looks like they are D
Usually if you sit by there side lines, it will just happen
many people get D and MLCer still can change their mind after

use every day to take care of yourself
the days pile into years and b4 you know it it is over

I look back with No regret not for anything
My Xh could not be a good father once in MLC so I am grateful he left
I think he took care of the kids by leaving and not exposing them too his crazy choices
I grateful I tried to save my M
I think I changed
I think I was there for xh
I was a friend to him
even though he was horrible to all of us
he did the best he could

its never easy to leave a R and hurt the other but some R. are not meant to be forever
and Mine was one of those


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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What Peace wrote resonated with me too. Over time, what XH did, does and decided has come to matter far less. What really matters is who I am, what I did, do and decided.

I too have no regrets. Our marriage mattered to me and I stood up for it when it was in crisis. XH chose to file for D within a year or so and hasn't looked back. But I do not regret my part in trying to save our marriage. I sleep well at night. I don't know how he sleeps, but I wouldn't want to be in those shoes.

It is important to look back and feel - I'm proud of who I was during that difficult time. Whatever the ultimate outcome....

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Own, peace and Sotto - Glad to have your thoughts.

Own,

I am at the same point as you are on the D. Although my H has filed, he's not taken the proper steps to move this forward. I'm still not sure why this is since he now has a L to tell him this. While I like my IC, I don't know that he agrees with standing or even simply just not moving D forward. What he continues to point out to me is my lack of control and this is the one things I can control for my own sanity. When he brought it up at my last appt., I literally sobbed. I'm going to have to see where this goes. You're right, I'm just not ready yet. It is too soon and I may be there with some more time, but right now, I'm not.
Not speaking to OW1 and speaking to her both required strength.
I'm sincerely glad to hear about your son. I think the acknowledgment is half the battle. I didn't always have the greatest marriage example from my parents, but since I married, it is always something I have been of... I just needed a partner that also made an effort to be self-aware.

peace,

I thought when he filed 10 days after leaving, D would come within 6-7 months. Not so. It's 2.5 months since he filed w/out service and while I'm trying to hold strong on this, I just keep on thinking - 3 months since leaving and another 6 months for D, then 4 mos. since leaving & another 6 mos. for D. When does it end? I don't want to date before the D, but I feel like I'm stopping life if he never comes back. With that being said, I am like you and I want to leave this R with no regrets. I think that shows a lot of integrity and promise for future R's, both romantic and platonic.

Sotto,

Thank you for coming to my thread. It's so important to hear again how walking away when you're ready, helps to keep your integrity, heart and soul in tact. I have to remind myself that I need to do this on my own timeline and no one else's. I am processing all of this and will get there eventually, but being able to handle what's coming is what's right for me.

Overall I'm getting through and for our 14 years together, 3 months isn't enough to pack up and walk away yet. While I'm working on moving forward, I'm just not ready to move on yet.

Just journaling... Friday was a really weird day for me. There were a bunch of odd coincidences, signs, moments that were smashing my face into my situation. Right before I left to a meeting, I was looking for something in my work desk and found a letter from H to S when he graduated from high school (8 years ago). He wrote about how proud he was of S, was happy to be in his life and many more things. He ended it by saying he was happy to be his dad. It was a rusty knife in my heart. At meeting, our organization has had some very high profile sexual harassment issues with heads of departments (a la Harvey Weinstein), the head of organization was written about how he allegedly handled one of those situations. At meeting he got up to speak and he said with all recent issues, "we are being tested" then went on to say how he knows we'll persevere and in 6 months time or so, we will get through and will look back to where we were and will be in a different place. It resonated not only with those statements, but in what I have been thinking/feeling about poor choices that have far-reaching impact. I feel that those in MLC do this. They negatively compound already emotional, mental situations with poor choices. Then I went to the gym and heard a song (slow one at that) that I've listened to since BD. Never heard it there before and all of a sudden I did. It's not a popular song either. Finally, was watching trashy reality TV and there was a poignant scene where someone's mother had passed. The DIL was promising MIL she would watch over son and take care of him. When my MIL was passing, I promised MIL I'd always take care of H. It was just one thing after another that afternoon. Then to see H's social media and happy pics w/ OW. I have to say, I dealt with it, but it wasn't easy either. Too many odd reminders/coincidences in such a short period.

To what next week brings. I hope you all have a great weekend. Cheers to happy, strong women, who persevere through much adversity.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Hi

Try to not look at social media if you can stop yourself-

I know its hard but it can't help you right now

You sound like you are becoming very aware of things and that is good
your son can keep those memories they were real
I always tell my kids good things about their dad and how much he loved them--all true
They can keep that stuff
a parent that truly loved them
a parent that got mentally ill in crises
nothing to do with them


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Posts: 83
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LAJar Offline OP
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peace,

Hope you had a nice weekend.

I hadn't looked at his social media in a few weeks. My curiosity got the best of me. It will be hard not to but I'm going to really try. While it may not hurt as much as the first times I looked, it still isn't pleasant.

Glad my awareness is viewed as positive, because I feel like it's super heightened right now. S definitely has good memories, but they are clouded with some negative aspects. He's just upset and it's hard for him to see beyond that now. He definitely knows this isn't about him, but from the only time he and H spoke, he pointed the blame in my direction. For that and his lack of accountability, S has resentment. I can't get him to see the other side just yet. I can't say that I blame him because what does he have to do with any of this? H promised he'd call him once he settled in at school and that never happened. It is what it is. I think once S sees me coming through this, he will let go a little bit. Right now, he's completely written off H.

S will be coming home this weekend to celebrate our birthdays, so something happy to look forward to.

Happy Monday smile


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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If son has resentment toward H

I would validate his feelings and just listen, nod, empathy etc, a hug
sometimes no response just mirror back what they say and feel
accepting althea feel and are for today-

If son says nothing, I would be upbeat and act as if I am OK if possible
Have fun together
We can work through our stuff with our kids knowing every struggle-

The MLCer rarely comes through for the kids
some become Disney dads for a while, some disappear over time, some return to once again be there for kids
We won't know his path until it is lived..He makes these choices but he is being guided by a crises due to unresolved childhood trauma so I would expect lIttle to nothing for now

They are more interested in Fun and OW
and have little room for being a co parent

Enjoy time with son
and Happy Birthday to you both!


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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