It's been a couple of weeks since my last post and since then, I've not had any contact with H (8/30 to be exact). I've had my first coaching session and that is where I was told it seems H is going through a MLC, but is there really a difference b/t WAS & MLC? It seems H fits some of the MLC criteria - EA, childhood to adult issues with father, loss of mother, anger and lots of it to name a few.
I guess what I'm wondering is that in the stages of a MLC, it seems like aging is a big part of this. I can't say for certain my H wasn't thinking about this, I don't know. He certainly never said how unhappy he was w/ me, so it is a possibility. What differentiates the two and how you deal with them, does it matter?
My other question is the stages and where H is at. I know some may think I'm trying figure out how much longer I have left of this hell. I promise that's not the case being only 2 months in. I'm really just trying to understand what may have been the starting point. My MIL passed away in '09 and I don't believe H ever truly dealt with that. H has always had a contentious R w/ my FIL & when MIL was dying, FIL emotionally ran. H was very angry at him for that and continued to act out until he finally sought IC for a brief time. Could it be the diagnosis of FIL's dementia in January? Throughout 2016, H chalked up FIL's behavior to him not caring about H or family in general, as was the case throughout his life. He even stopped communicating w/ FIL for 3-4 months. Could this have slowly been brewing since '09?
Back to where things stand today. I know H filed on 7/31 (10 days after leaving the house), but I have yet to be served. I don't think this is a good sign, in that he's waffling. He didn't go to a L to file, just a paralegal, where I think he also paid for a process server. I don't believe he realizes I've never formally been served since our communication is minimal. Who knows? We are coming up on the 2nd time our mortgage being due (Fri) since he left and so far he hasn't paid it. I will pay if I have to, but can only do that another month or two, which will also deplete my savings. I am not for the D, so I will do nothing to move things along. Should he not pay the mortgage, I feel like my hand will be forced. One other side note, the last time we spoke/texted, didn't go well. It was the day he for the most part confirmed OW. He was upset to see workers I had hired at the house and called to "discuss". We ended up angry texting and finally me pulling back, apologizing and validating. Since that point, I have blocked him from my cell. He can still call work phone or email, if he really needs to get a hold of me. Him not paying mortgage could be retaliation... if he's even bothered to reach out. I also believe him posting a pic of him and OW later that evening on social media (page is open) was also retaliation. He has since deleted pic, possibly because his family had seen it (mine did). I don't know if blocking his calls was a good idea or not for him, but for me it was. Right now, it's self-preservation and I just can't deal w/ texts only asking about divorce settlement. There is nothing else. Nothing even about the house or my son (his stepson). He wants nothing to do with me and is trying to erase me and anything to do with me from his life. It's hurtful, so it was the easiest way for me to get some space.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I see that Cadet has already provided you w/the homework for our MLC Forum. Please read the homework because each and every thread has some valuable info for you.
In the MLC world, depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Yes, aging and dying scare the living daylights out of them. When they enter MLC they need to go back to a time in their childhood whereby they were emotionally stunted by someone in authority, i.e., parent, teacher, relative, minister/priest, etc. So, what you are going to be dealing w/is a man/child, or should I say a teenager at some point.
What happened in the last 18-24 months? Yes, your MIL passing about back in 09 could have been a slight trigger, but something has happened more recently...birth/death of a child, promotion/demotion, health issues, changing jobs, etc.
As for where he's at in MLC...sounds like he's just taking off in the replay arena. Keep in mind the stages are just a guideline to help you better understand the behavior better...but they aren't linear, and they could bounce back and forth in the stages for a long time. This is not a sprint...but a marathon.
You were deal w/MLC or WAS the same way...give them plenty of space to choke on, don't discuss relationship issues, keep your expectations at zero, and above all else....get your finances in order, i.e, new checking/savings account and credit cards (if they are currently joint).
Keep the focus on you and your family and dig deep for patience as this didn't happen over night...but gradually and it's going to take a while for him to face his issues, deal w/them and accept that there are things from his past that he will never be able to repair and that were not his fault.
Keep posting...others will come along. I suggest that you visit the threads, both new and old because they all have valuable info.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the board. There are a lot of good caring people here. Congratulations on taking that step to improve things.
I would move sooner rather than later in regards to finances. Protect yourself. Move forward with the idea thath will give no money until a separation agreement is in place and he has to. Maybe he will but best be ready.
The OW is not the problem but until she is gone things cannot improve.TThat has to happen naturally. You cannot speed it up. That is a long conversation but you can find it in threads here.
This process is slow,so knuckle down for a long haul. Forget about H for now. Focus on taking care of you. Until you are in a good place other stuff cannot be worked on.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Agree with Roist. Assume he won't pay the mortgage and do what you need to do. Do you have kids? Do you have equity in the home? If you can't afford it on your own, consider your options. Hugs to you. Re filing and not getting served, it seems like a lot of the MLCers here have a hard time actually doing all of the legal work necessary for d so this could take years. Re blocking him on your cell for self preservation, you have to do what you have to do to preserve your sanity. You are the best judge of that.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I see that Cadet has already provided you w/the homework for our MLC Forum. Please read the homework because each and every thread has some valuable info for you.
Being new to this forum, the homework has been a huge source of information. It almost makes my head spin, but has given me so many a-ha moments.
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In the MLC world, depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Yes, aging and dying scare the living daylights out of them. When they enter MLC they need to go back to a time in their childhood whereby they were emotionally stunted by someone in authority, i.e., parent, teacher, relative, minister/priest, etc. So, what you are going to be dealing w/is a man/child, or should I say a teenager at some point.
Yes, H is an irresponsible teenager. I am really getting that full force right now.
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What happened in the last 18-24 months? Yes, your MIL passing about back in 09 could have been a slight trigger, but something has happened more recently...birth/death of a child, promotion/demotion, health issues, changing jobs, etc.
H and FIL always had a contentious relationship. FIL is a Vietnam Vet and suffers from PTSD. H never felt like he lived up to FIL's expectations and FIL was an absentee parent, leaving much of the child-rearing up to MIL. H resented FIL for this and resented FIL's absence when MIL was dying and always prioritizing any veterans activities over family. Over the last 2 years H was seeing behavior in FIL that was affecting him quite a bit. FIL would choose to not spend time w/ H or family over attending a veterans event or just nothing in general. H began IC and anger mgmt classes and ultimately went to maybe 12 sessions over 1.5-2 years. Summer of '16 w/ IC, H decided to set "boundaries" for FIL's behavior and decided to distance himself. This went on for maybe 4-5 months. I came home one day to find FIL also unexpectedly pulling up at our house. FILs behavior was odd and H, finally came outside to say hello and also noticed behavior. After that point, H decided to work with SIL to convince FIL to see Dr. In Jan '17, FIL was diagnosed with dementia and I believe this is really when things started to take a turn for H. He says he's come to terms w/ never being able to resolve issues w/ FIL because he no longer has ability. When someone claims this too many times, you begin to feel like they're trying to convince themselves.
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As for where he's at in MLC...sounds like he's just taking off in the replay arena. Keep in mind the stages are just a guideline to help you better understand the behavior better...but they aren't linear, and they could bounce back and forth in the stages for a long time. This is not a sprint...but a marathon.
In my younger years, I was a runner... in my older years, not sure how well I can go the distance and I'm only 2 months in.
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You were deal w/MLC or WAS the same way...give them plenty of space to choke on, don't discuss relationship issues, keep your expectations at zero, and above all else....get your finances in order, i.e, new checking/savings account and credit cards (if they are currently joint).
We don't see one another and only text when he initiates. That is until I blocked him end of August. Today was mortgage due date and I had to pay. I will wait for the 22nd (10 year anniversary - ouch) and unblock him, then begin discussions on selling the house we just moved into end of April (double ouch). Luckily or not, we have maintained separate finances. I have begun to discover some 401k withdrawals I was unaware of.
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Keep the focus on you and your family and dig deep for patience as this didn't happen over night...but gradually and it's going to take a while for him to face his issues, deal w/them and accept that there are things from his past that he will never be able to repair and that were not his fault.
I am really trying. I think I am doing a decent job of holding things together, but the loneliness is at times, palpable.
Keep posting...others will come along. I suggest that you visit the threads, both new and old because they all have valuable info.
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Yes, I guess lost in reading some of the old posts because there is so much. Time marches on, but the stories remain the same. Thank you for your time in providing thoughts on my sitch.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Welcome to the board. There are a lot of good caring people here. Congratulations on taking that step to improve things.
Thank you roist. In my short time here, I have definitely seen and felt the caring. It is much appreciated!
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I would move sooner rather than later in regards to finances. Protect yourself. Move forward with the idea thath will give no money until a separation agreement is in place and he has to. Maybe he will but best be ready.
H paid the mortgage for one month after he left, but it's the 2nd month and nothing. I don't believe he will go for a separation agreement. It's D or nothing for him, even though he's yet to serve me. The reason I blocked his text is because he only texted to offer settlement #'s, which he's pulling out of the air. I refused to discuss w/ him until I consulted w/ a L. I have twice and will be speaking w/ a 3rd next week. I believe he wants me to agree to a # and not go through a L - not happening.
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The OW is not the problem but until she is gone things cannot improve.TThat has to happen naturally. You cannot speed it up. That is a long conversation but you can find it in threads here.
OW is not the problem - easier said than lived. Ultimately, in the deepest part of my brain, I know this though. It is beyond hurtful and I tell myself the odds of it lasting aren't great. Whether right or wrong, at this point in time, it is a small consolation.
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This process is slow,so knuckle down for a long haul. Forget about H for now. Focus on taking care of you. Until you are in a good place other stuff cannot be worked on
. I am working on this with IC, trying to GAL (gym, being w/ family and friends). I just realize this time of year is going to be difficult w/ 10 year anniversary next week, son's bday (why does OW share this date?) & my bday next month, and then the holidays. It's a mountain for sure.
Best wishes
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Gordie, I assumed he wasn't going to pay and just made the payment myself. The $ is hard enough to part w/ put the realization of what he is trying to do is even harder.
I have a son from a previous R, but H was the only father-figure my son knew. He considered him his son until he didn't. I was a very young mom, so my son is grown and recently moved away to finish college (3 weeks after H left). The week before son left, I told him what was going on, since son didn't live w/ us. He was dumbfounded, angry, and sad. He decided to text H to see if they could talk and H said yes and called him. Had my son not called him, I'm not sure H would have ever communicated with him. Clearly running, avoiding. Since that one convo, he still hasn't reached out to him, even though he said he would.
Re. home, we've only owned it since April. Not much equity if any for that period of time, but we did do a full re-model of the kitchen, master bathroom and other cosmetic repairs that should increase the value. I can't sustain the mortgage, all of the home expenses, my 401k loan repayment for the renovations and my daily living costs alone. It's just too much and he knows this. I am dipping into savings which isn't that much. I will need to begin conversations about selling. This is the frustrating part, along with his lack of ability to file/serve properly. One of his reasons for leaving was my controlling nature. I understand this is how he perceived it and it's valid to a point, but much of this controlling centered around $ and responsibility. I was trying to make good decisions for the long-term. Yes, had we communicated, it is something we definitely needed to work through to strike a balance. In the here and now, if this was a legal issue we were in together, I would do all of the work. We took someone to small claims and in purchasing our home, I did all and then the majority of the work. At this point, I am resolute in saying I will not do the same in the D. Why should I when he wanted this? These are his consequences. I'm sure when it comes to selling the house, I will do most of the work as well. Now, with D - How to not be resentful? How to strike a balance?
Yes, blocking him on my cell was self-preservation. When your H can only communicates with you via text and those text only request that you agree to a $ amount that you know isn't fair or real, how do continue to just accept that?
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
sorry you find yourself here MLC is baffling..It is not about you though it is him
His texting about money--I would either ignore or simply state that the matter has to be handled legally and fairly
The MLCer may want things his way...they no longer care about the LBS or the children They are in a crises it is real sometimes fueled worse by addiction and unresolved childhood issues they run from their pain and all resposibility IT is not your fault nor can you fix him or get thru to him
I got a free consultation with a very good L He made me aware of everything I was entitled to..I did this for information so I knew if it came to that I didn't file eventually XH did..It took him about 2 years to file
so I would encourage any LBS to seek legal advice so you are prepared just in case
do not agree to anything the MLcer would want to call the shots and financially not pay at all I know a gal who trusted her XH in this and signed an agreement written by him where she agreed to not take anything she lost it all and her house as well
when It comes to D and property and alimony it changes from a Marriage to a business deal Do what is best for you and your S MLC takes a long time and sometimes they never return to normal
all the best peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
At this point, I am choosing to ignore his texts. Anniversary is this week & I will be going out of town. I will unblock his phone when I return. At that point, I will need to address the house situation.
He definitely does not care about anything and that includes me, my son, the house, etc. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it is what it is.
I've had two consultations and am working on scheduling a third. They were very preliminary and time was limited, so I know I need to keep interviewing until I find one I feel comfortable with. H is definitely trying to call the shots and what's even more unbelievable about that is he's trying to make decisions based on nothing. I don't trust H as far as I can throw him. Just because I still love him, doesn't mean I'm blind to what he's capable of. These last 2 months have really showed me I can't close my eyes to anything.
I appreciate your thoughts and reinforcement that I need to protect myself. It is sad things have to come to this.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
