A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.



Your Divorce Busting Telephone Coach will help you create a customized
step-by-step plan to get your marriage on track!

CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

A Message from Michele
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#2755048 - 08/05/17 02:14 AM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Maybell]
Ginger1 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/15
Posts: 1847
My ex has always been a thin guy too. He works out, lifts weights, but he has a small frame. He's about 5'7'. He was sually somewhere around 165-170lbs. Well, I will never forget when he was dropping the bomb on me, he wouldn't come out and say it and I thought he was telling me had cancer because he had gotten so thin. He was down to 153lbs. Well, I realized later it was probably a mix of guilt, depression and anxiety due to his affair.

Your ex is probably not doing drugs but is probably pretty depressed. And lonely. Which is why he making his home an AirBNB. To have people around.

Hopefully your kids can talk to him telling him that they feel uncomfortable in this situation.

Top
#2756201 - 08/12/17 01:19 AM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Ginger1]
Maybell Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/14
Posts: 3464
My kids are going back to school in three weeks and I'm feeling completely panicked and overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm ever going to get everything set up for us to have a smooth school year. I want to throw up.

On top of that, I'm facing the possibility of losing my contract at the end of the year if I don't meet my minimums which I'm not on track to do. To try to prevent that I'm frantically trying to increase my activity to save my contract... but every time I have a win, it freaks me out that I've created a client and made promises to that client about ongoing service that I won't be able to keep.

This is not a recipe for a calm and happy Maybell.
_________________________
Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.

Top
#2756363 - 08/14/17 03:11 AM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Maybell]
Dawn70 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/14
Posts: 959
That all just sounds odd to me. I'm with you....what adult wants to live in a house where you have to rent out part of your space. Granted, I live in a small house (about 1000 square feet) and it is just me and the dog, so I definitely wouldn't want to rent space out. And, I don't want to live in a house that is so big that I HAVE to rent space out to afford it. I'm too old for "roommates". LOL
_________________________
Me 47, XH 49
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014

Top
#2760787 - 09/10/17 02:40 PM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Dawn70]
Maybell Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/14
Posts: 3464
Taking a few minutes out from exam prep to post a little update.

Had a very rocky week with Mr. Fantastic. He casually announced that he was changing the kid schedule for this coming week, and when I protested he "offered" to revisit the whole agreement, told me he was "being nice" keeping the kids during the week because "he didn't have to" and when I said yes he did, he said "No. It's *not* in the agreement. READ IT." And stormed out. I sent him a text telling him that I accommodate his every request and there was no reason to treat me like that and he sent me a LOOOONG angry text back accusing me of bullying him and being aggressive and everything else ugly. Apparently I'm a bitter old b!tch.

I'll admit, it really rattled me for a day or two. The whole thing was just so venomous. The only thing I've done to make him loathe me so much is fight for a fair settlement for me and the kids. Considering that he has not paid for any medical costs outside of what the insurance covers, including a pretty substantial therapy bill for my D14 (and he wont' even help me get that through insurance, in spite of my requests), and he pays for very little else for them, I don't know what he would prefer I pay for.

That's neither here nor there. It just upsets me that he treated me so awfully and yet he's the one who is so venomous to me.

Then another day my daughter showed him that I still have all the old CDs he left behind and he was on the point of taking them when I said "This is MY house." He said "Do you even listen to these?" And I just looked at him. That's not my business. He had plenty of opportunity to take stuff out of the house before we sold the marital home.

In that same conversation, he adjusted his clothing in a way that I could see his jeans were sagging around his hips a little (a lot), and.... apparently he's stopped wearing underwear. Which kind of just seals the deal for me that at some point in the past he made a decision to become a person who I would find repulsive. I'm sure he didn't consciously decide to become repulsive to me personally, but the road he's decided to travel gets him there. That gives me some peace. I couldn't have tanked a marriage where our values were so far apart from each other.

No offense to any of my friends who like to go commando, it just is something I don't want to be intimate with. Or really, modeled to my kids. Though I don't get a say in that.

At a party last night I was talking to a couple of D14's friends' moms, and there was some concern about the amount of oversight he provides when the kids are at his house.

Then last night, during a really delightful weekend with My Guy, I dreamed that Mr. Fantastic was sitting in his living room feeling really sad because of how horrible our relationship has become. That was all it was, but just incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I felt a little bit of peace. (Didn't tell the dream to My Guy, of course.) Like, MAYBE he does have a sense of what he's ruined.

But this evening when he dropped the kids off he was grim to me and I was to him too. If I could just erase him from my life I so would.

**. ***. ***

I have noticed in myself a fear of calm. Like I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have something to be anxious over. It's difficult for me to rest in contentment, as much as I'd like to. If anyone can suggest how to learn that I'm open to learning more.
_________________________
Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.

Top
#2760815 - 09/10/17 07:14 PM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Maybell]
focus22 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/24/15
Posts: 500
Loc: Scotland
Geesh, that sounds awful Maybell.

I can't really say anything constructive about the children/co-parenting side of things (not having children), but I can try and help on the 'fear of calm' side of things?

You've been through an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotion with everything that's happened since the summer of 2013. It's been a super adrenaline-fuelled few years. That adrenaline has helped you get through it, to this point. It's given you a huge amount of energy. And it's a great feeling, having the energy and the drive to take on a difficult and stressful situation.

The flip side of the adrenaline high is a very deep low. We can't sustain that level of energy and just carry on regardless. The toll it takes on our body is quite high (and obviously your state of mind is intrinsically linked to what's happening in your physical self).

So my guess is that most people would do anything to get out of that low, and the easiest way would be to seek out another adrenaline fuelled situation. And so the roller coaster starts again. After such a long time, it also becomes a way of life for a lot of people.

The fear of calm that you talk about might be a fear of losing the tremendous highs of the adrenaline rush?

Nonetheless, how to learn to rest in contentment? I found meditation an incredibly powerful tool. I don't know if you've ever tried it? There are loads of different kinds, serving different purposes, but I found a type called 'Loving Kindness' particularly beneficial for me. If you look up 'Loving Kindness Meditation' on YouTube you'll find loads of free guided meditations. I just look for one that is about the length of time I want to dedicate to it, and one that I like the voice of the person that's doing the talking.

I've also found physical exercise to be incredibly beneficial. All that adrenaline has somewhere to **go** once you start running/any cardio/any exercise that raises your heartbeat.

I remember reading a study of the groups of performers that suffered most and least from stage fright. They studied musicians, actors and dancers. Guess what? Those groups that moved least (musicians) suffered the most from stage fright, and those that moved most (dancers) suffered the least from stage fright. All that adrenaline in the dancer's bodies had somewhere to **go** once they got on stage and started moving around.

I've found that these two things have evened things out for me **a lot**. Even if I only feel a couple of moments of contentment in one day at times that things are particularly bad, that's enough for me. I've got to that place, so I know I can get back. I just need to keep working on it.

Hope that helps x
_________________________
Me: 46, H: 40
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: June 2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: May 2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: Oct 2015

OW conceived: August 2016.
Born: April 2017

H filed: July 2017

Top
#2760994 - 09/11/17 02:07 PM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: focus22]
Maybell Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/14
Posts: 3464
Focus, thank you. I couldn't sleep at 4:00 am and I came here saw your post, and went straight to YouTube to find the meditations. The first one I was able to feel how tense I was and as I relaxed I could feel a huge throbbing weight in my chest. It must have been there for weeks and I've just been carrying it around all tense all that time.

Eventually I calmed down and fell sort of back to sleep. I feel much better today and I even passed my exam! That's been a nine-month monkey on my back, so relieved to have it over with. I'll be returning to those meditations regularly.

D14 is having a hard time with the first week of school. It's a much, much heavier weight than she's accustomed to and tonight she had a breakdown. I suggested the meditations to her though I don't have a lot of confidence that she'll follow up any time soon - most likely as a last resort around midterm season. For tonight, she had sparring practice at karate and enjoyed getting a good compliment from a teenaged BOY... And her closest cousin is DATING a boy they met at camp this summer... I'm bracing myself, not ready at all for these kids to grow up. At least S9 still lets me hold his hand and tuck him in. For now.

One of my friends invited me to start back morning runs with her this week and I was excited at the good timing. We go at o-dark-thirty so I don't like to morning run by myself. It will feel good to move again.

Thanks for the help!!
_________________________
Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.

Top
#2761026 - 09/11/17 05:50 PM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Maybell]
focus22 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/24/15
Posts: 500
Loc: Scotland
Oh my goodness Maybell, it's incredible to read your post...wow!!

I'm really enjoying my running. I started earlier in the year. I still can't run very far or very fast, but the other day I managed 8k (3k in the morning and 5k in the evening, jogging one minute, walking 25/30 seconds). Without stopping, I can run a mile (1.6k). This from someone who couldn't even run for the bus last year.

*Very* occasionally it feels really good as I'm doing it, and very occasionally it feels like the biggest effort known to man. Most of the time it feels like a lot of hard work and very repetitive.

I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that your D might benefit a lot from you doing the meditations. There's nothing more wonderful than being in the presence of someone who is very grounded and present when you are going through some sort of turmoil, someone who feels very solid and strong.

But I'm always glad I've done it, and I *always* feel better for doing it. It's a good training for your mind too. Whenever I feel bit rubbish about a situation I'm in, something that someone (STBXH etc) has said or done, or a mood I'm in, I'll put everything on hold and go for a run (even just a 10 or 20 minute one). That changes everything.

I have a free app on my phone that I track my runs on, and I can see my times improving and my distances getting longer even when it just feels like plain old hard work most of the time. If you've not got one, I can totally recommend it. I have a Windows phone and use Runners+
_________________________
Me: 46, H: 40
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: June 2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: May 2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: Oct 2015

OW conceived: August 2016.
Born: April 2017

H filed: July 2017

Top
#2761389 - 09/13/17 10:33 AM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: focus22]
Maybell Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/14
Posts: 3464
With my friend I just run and because we talk so much it ends up being a run/walk. When I'm by myself I use one of the Couch to __ apps to time the run/walk intervals.

This morning I was thinking how good it felt just to get out. The run was good because I had a chance to really catch up with someone who had a very rough summer and who I care about, but I felt good when I got home too.

I've realized lately that I need to live my life with a lot more intentionality if I want work/life balance, so this morning after my run I thought about scheduling one solo run a week, on weekends, one cross-training day at the gym I belong to, and one yoga class per week (also at the gym I belong to). If I put all that on my work calendar it is more likely to happen. Also I really want to run another half-marathon, and it happens there's a good one in my town every May. So that gives me a date to prep towards as well. Odds are high I'll be able to find a partner which also helps with balance. So I may be able to take control of that part of my life pretty soon.

Not much else to report, but I'm working out how to be happy and I think that's a long-overdue next step.
_________________________
Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.

Top
#2763981 - 10/02/17 01:47 AM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Maybell]
Maybell Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/14
Posts: 3464
Mr. Fantastic is going off the rails and has disappeared to another state. It is unclear when he will be back. he's taken leave from work and is "rethinking everything about his career" which scares the daylights out of me. He has diagnosed himself as autistic (he's NOT) and asked me to attend counseling with him. He took my D14 on an 8 mile hike yesterday to share all this with her, but totally blew off our sons, who didn't even know he'd left town till I told them this morning. (They're supposed to spend tomorrow night and the coming weekend with him).

I am suddenly very unclear what the future holds for me. WHY WHY WHY did I think it was a good idea to marry this wing nut?? WHY did I think it was a good idea to be a SAHM?????

I am grateful for My Guy who has stepped up to the plate beautifully. I'm also a little frustrated with myself that I'm not more capable of managing all this by myself. I'm 45 years old and highly educated. I should be self-sufficient.
_________________________
Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.

Top
#2763994 - 10/02/17 03:21 AM Re: Maybell 41: The Saga Continues [Re: Maybell]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 806
Hi maybell

I don't know your entire history. But just reading your last post says so much about many of these walkaways. There is just something deeper going on within them and eventually they seem to crack. We come on here thinking its about us, and it usually isn't. Sadly it seems to take years for it to reveal itself (I know your way past that though)

Sorry you are going through this. I regret what a F up my ex is as well. Especially when I compare him to other dads and other families that do not have the same struggles. I try to remind myself that most people have some sort of struggle though and all we can do is play the hand we are dealt.

BTW There is also a great guided meditation app you can get called calm.com. I love how its organized and They have lots of stuff on there for kids, even little ones. My therapist recommended it to me.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004