Lost on how to save my marriage! 3

[joejoe1]

25,

I'm active duty. Been in just over 16 years. Almost at retirement.

My 180s, have been helping out around the house and with the boys.

The other day she said she notice my changes, but I'm all over the place. She said I'm doing a lot better with the boys.

I have a question, she Saudi didnt provide her security, how do I do that better, or get back at being her security provider. I'm doing more of the things she said she didnt like doing as a woman. Like taking the boys to the barber shop.

I deployed twice since we been married and she took on all thise roles and I didnt take them back when I came home.

Also, she's now saying if we stay together instead of she's done. How do I interpret that?

[Holding]

Gabbed us a table. Blue Polo.

(God, this is an inefficient way to meet someone )

[joejoe1]

Holding,

It is inefficient, but it was a blessing to meetup with you today.

Thanks for the great convo..I hope we get more our next meetup.

[Holding]

Hey JoeJoe, it was great meeting with you! You have a good head on your shoulders and a very positive attitude (probably a lot more positive that I've been able to muster). So keep at it, man!

[joejoe1]

Holding,

It was great to see you as well. I can see some hurt in you. Your W don't have a right to your happiness. You are a great man. And I can tell from one meeting with you.

[25yearsmlc]

25,

I'm active duty. Been in just over 16 years. Almost at retirement.

My 180s, have been helping out around the house and with the boys.

As great as these^^ are, and they are, are they new behaviors? How is your r with the boys?

*Do not underestimate the value or how moved women are, by the loving interactions between their children and their fathers.

The other day she said she notice my changes, but I'm all over the place. She said I'm doing a lot better with the boys.

So, you mean you are not consistent? The "math" of this is

consistent change + sufficient time = change to be believed.

Don't ask her if she's noticed the changes. Do not ask her if she feels different now.

IF IF IF she notices them AND IF she tells you, you can say "oh, well I wanted to do that & I'm glad I am now. I enjoy them a lot."

Nothing about HER reaction. Otherwise it's obviously a tactic and not an authentic change in you. Tactics do not last and they do not reveal real change.




I have a question, she Saudi didnt provide her security, how do I do that better, or get back at being her security provider.


okay this may be more than you want4ed to know but I think it may help explain something.

In a very detailed survey, people reported 2 things that were most important to them in a spouse.

In men, the 2 most important things in a spouse were

1) feeling attracted to their wife


and 2) peace

- usually interpreted as peace IN the home, no nagging or repeated complaining.

Women said the 2 most important things to them were

1: Security, meaning that they felt physically & emotionally & Financially safer with their husbands

- some believe that this stemmed from our hunting/gathering communities. There, women & children needed protection from predators, especially when they are caring for children

- So, think about the cave life. If a woman was caring for a baby or carrying a child and the man goes out of the cave to hunt or gather,

she needs to know that he will bring home food,

and if a sabertooth tiger attacks the cave, her h will protect them. - And she will back him up!

The h needs to know she will keep the fire going and the child safe. (Like peace in the home.)

Financially speaking, you can see how a woman could feel insecure when her partner is chronically unemployed, and if she is the bread winner AND the nurturer, It's hard to maintain that for long.

AND

2)

Secondly, Wives reported fidelity from their husbands, as being a priority. The sexual commitment of this is obvious.

But another aspect of fidelity is plain old loyalty. Bad mouthing them to anyone, or complaining to family members or friends, is very undermining.

Hope this^^ helps.



I'm doing more of the things she said she didnt like doing as a woman. Like taking the boys to the barber shop.

I deployed twice since we been married and she took on all thise roles and I didnt take them back when I came home.

Also, she's now saying if we stay together instead of she's done. How do I interpret that?

You interpret that as meaning she may be second guessing her decisions. There are no guarantees but it's not a bad sign, and is a baby step. Most DB coaches would say "baby steps are the best to hope for", mostly b/c they are more trusted than dramatic changes, which tend not to last.

Make sense?

If you are making choices you wanted to make anyhow, why change course?

[joejoe1]

25,

Helping out with the boys and around the house is a def 180. My wife told me after BD that the relationship I have with our boys are a complete turn off for her. I have worked really hard to improve my son and I relationship. Being in the military I have been gone way too much. My wife hates that the boys relied on her and only her and never came to me for nothing. So I have also worked to tell my boys they can come to me for anything.

I never asked her did she see my changes. She told me that on her own accord.

Me being in the military, I really got too reliant on my wife to take care of our home and boys.

My wife told me I embarrassed her in public, I didn't help out with the boys, I embarrassed her in front her father, I allowed her to do too many of the manly things. I didn't value her, I took her for granted, and I broke her. (I was an [censored]/Jerk). With my wife, and I was very impatient with my wife and boys. I have worked very hard on changing my impatient ways. And now my boys are coming to me and I don't get upset with the small things.

I'm also going to get tested for PTSD. I slept on my couch by myself for years because I didn't want My Wife to see me venerable, waking up on cold sweats and bad dreams. I didn't allow her in that world before BD.

I hope they are baby steps. I will continue walking my path.

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Helping out with the boys and around the house is a def 180. My wife told me after BD that the relationship I have with our boys are a complete turn off for her. I have worked really hard to improve my son and I relationship. Being in the military I have been gone way too much.

as a veteran myself, and the wife of one, I don't think there's any doubt that you were gone too much. I get it, and we served and that is that. But it's extremely easy to assume our spouses "knew" we were in the military & THEREFORE they have no right to want their needs and love languages ever filled.




My wife hates that the boys relied on her and only her and never came to me for nothing. So I have also worked to tell my boys they can come to me for anything.


Yay, good improvement, !!

so now maybe you can simply invite them rather than putting the onus on them, and do what they are interested in, too. My h's not seen our kids in a year. No excuses. And when he does contact them, which I hope happens, I'd bet that he will invite them to join him on something HE enjoys doing.

That^^ is better than nothing, but geez, he won't get to know them. HE's inviting them to get to know him, you know?

Just food for thought.


I never asked her did she see my changes. She told me that on her own accord.

excellent

Me being in the military, I really got too reliant on my wife to take care of our home and boys.

yes, she was the touchstone for you to do what you do. Not saying you are like my h, okay? But in my marriage, eventually it pretty much became all about how to support h and I did that, a lot. We "fit into" HIS world, rather than the reverse.

Now it seems h regrets that OR he misses the kids not looking up at him and not delight in his presence. Frankly, he created a lot of alienation in the family b/c he was gone a lot.

Then when he sensed the alienation he created, he resented it, in some ways he resented them (or blames me for the wedge he drove between them). I can say in all fairness, he's just wrong on this. I did a lot of intense work to keep the kids close to them, but at some point they saw reality before I did.



My wife told me I embarrassed her in public,

ouch. I'm sorry. Do you recall the event?




I didn't help out with the boys, I embarrassed her in front her father, I allowed her to do too many of the manly things. I didn't value her, I took her for granted, and I broke her. (I was an [censored]/Jerk). With my wife, and I was very impatient with my wife and boys. I have worked very hard on changing my impatient ways. And now my boys are coming to me and I don't get upset with the small things.


this ^^ is a lot to work with, so how are you approaching it?

I'm also going to get tested for PTSD. I slept on my couch by myself for years because I didn't want My Wife to see me venerable, waking up on cold sweats and bad dreams. I didn't allow her in that world before BD.


how are you doing that, now? Are you seeing a professional? ( I ask b/c I don't know people who have the tools to address this.)


I hope they are baby steps. I will continue walking my path.

baby steps are still steps. The "math" of this is

consistent change + sufficient time = change that can be believed (and be last)

[25yearsmlc]

*and be lasting*

[joejoe1]

25,

I'm going to make an appointment to get seen about PTSD this up and coming week.

Myvwife felt Exactly like your husband made you and your children feel. I was making them fit in my world and never try to fit in theirs.

It was quite a few events where I embarrassed her. The worst one was in front of her father, where intold her she needs to get a job. It was a horrible moment.

I have been a lot more patient. I have been a lot more understanding as well.

She really wants me to feel what she had to go through the last seven years she keeps telling me this.

She has been opening a lot more lately. But I must be honest. I don't trust her. She hasnt shown me anything that she is talking to the OM. But I have a hard time just trusting the baby steps and her.

Some days I just want to run away. Walk away. Can the LBS become the WAH?

This process takes super patience. That video you suggested 25, the lady said, "that sometimes the person who got cheated on is not the person with the most pain."

I think My wife has a lot of pain and hurt. She told me I broke her.