Any Advice?

[doodler]

gw5263,

I think, for almost all of us, the most difficult part of DB is getting into the appropriate mindset. The actions you need to take seem so counter-intuitive that it's difficult to comprehend that it could be effective.

Ultimately, you need to let go of your wife and marriage and focus on improving your life and living your life to the fullest. Most of us seem to have to suffer through a lot of psychological pain before we can embrace that mindset (and some never get there).

[gw5263]

I keep hope that this relationship dies quickly. It is , with the exception of two times, exclusivley over the phone. I cant see how a relationship can be sustained over a phone with no contact. She is stuck so far in rainbow land its ridiculous. telling our children didnt even have an impact. thats why the military exposure came to light. I figured it would end the relationship quickly, and deliver consequences to him and her for destroying our family.
she walks around here with a picture of him and her as her phones wall paper. I am at wits end with this bullshit and want it done.

[lostrig]

The actions you need to take seem so counter-intuitive that it's difficult to comprehend that it could be effective.

Ultimately, you need to let go of your wife and marriage and focus on improving your life and living your life to the fullest.

GW, sorry to read about your sitch. Doodler gave you some great advice here and you should read these two sentences over and over until they really set in.

[gw5263]

Her one complaint was that i was inattentive and didnt pay her enough attention. So my question is, if i detach and roll on, doing a 180, which is ignoring all but business matters, wont that reinforce her thoughts that i was inattentive and did not pay any attention?

[gw5263]

Is anybody ever on here?

[Tread]

gw5263,

I also had the complaint of neglect from my W. What was explained to me is at this point, she no longer wants your attention. So whatever attention you give won't impress her, but might actually piss her off. GAL and 180 will habe an effect more than anything else.

As for the relationship being conducted by phone conversations. That is exactly my sitch. W and OM had sex a couple of times on a cruise. Since then the relationship has been secret calls, text and messenger. But my W is so obsessed abiut living this fantasy in her words. That she is willing to give up me, family, friends and respect.

So yes it can go on longer than you think. If anything this prolongs everything. Because she never really gets to see the real OM. Not to mention, I just found out recently that SIL was aware of the A. OM just happens to be SIL first cousin who is married with children. And likely has been helping those two sneak around using her place. So your WW will be making attempts to meet up with OM. And those few experiences will mean a lot to your W.

[Cadet]

Her one complaint was that i was inattentive and didnt pay her enough attention. So my question is, if i detach and roll on, doing a 180, which is ignoring all but business matters, wont that reinforce her thoughts that i was inattentive and did not pay any attention?

While she is involved with someone else their is no hope for you.
Affair busting is done by pushing the two affair partners as close together as possible.
Only when the bright lights shine on the relationship will it show stress and crack.

Remember that this is all counter inutitive - doing what you think is the right thing is probably wrong.

[LiM]

GW,

I was also guilty of emotional neglect and not paying enough attention to my W. But while she is in an A, she can not see or appreciate any changes you make. The a has to die first. In the interim, you need to make changes for YOU. When the A does die, she will then be able to look back and begin to appreciate all the changes you made.

While exposing the A to his superiors might make you feel better and ruin his career, I don't think it will do anything but push your W further away. She will be VERY angry at you and she might not be able to get past that. What you can do is let her go down her own path that she created for herself. From what you describe, this guy is a total loser. She's got to see that for herself. You can't make her see that. She's got to discover it for herself. When she comes out of the fog, she will be ashamed that she allowed herself to become connected with such a loser.

Let her go. Let her sit in the mess she is creating. Spend this time working on you.

[Kinder]

GW,

I read two forums everyday and have since my marriage exploded 2 and half years ago. This is one of those forums I read and the other forum you posted your story on is the other. I lurk only, but was compelled to post because I recognized your name from your post on the other forum.

I thought you had already submitted the file to the military? If not, I am glad that you haven't. I'd like to echo the other advice you've received and say you have to detach. You have no control over your wife or the OM. You have control over one thing - yourself. Their relationship is going to survive or it is not. That is not something you can control. You submit the file and he never speaks to her again. Or you submit the file and it brings them closer together as they weather another storm that is trying to ruin their once in a lifetime love affair. Either way you are left with a spouse who isn't willing to do the work right now to rebuild your marriage. Does it hurt like nothing you've ever felt before? Absolutely! You and your children will be ok. You have to focus on healing yourself, becoming the kind of man you want your children to emulate and move forward. Everyday, make your focus you and your children.

[gw5263]

He lives three states away and she cant get away from work like that. He can only get away once every three months so everything is done via text, calls, and facetime. I have actually been texting him telling him to end this or be exposed in some pretty strong terms. My W made the mistake of telling me how terrified he was of being exposed due to the consequences he would face. At the time i hoped i could force his hand thru fear and make him end it. I even sent a letter to his parents, detailing everything. I cant see this lasting much longer with physical contact every three months. And me moving back into the home put a damper on all the free time for facetime and calls.