this is also posted on another forum. Just wanted some different views. see bottom
Ok, here we go. On June 22 I found out my wife was planning on moving out with the kids because she needed some space to think. She even told me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I felt like the bad guy because she said it was because lately I had ignored her emotionally to the point she just disconnected. She said she left signs, but I failed to see them. I bought this bs and felt like the bad guy for two days. I work 12 hour shift, so I have a lot of time off. She went so far as to aske me if I could help her dad watch the kids because work was sending her to training from July27 thru August3. Trying to do whatever I could to ease the situation and show her I cared, I agreed. During the interim, I made several major changes. I told her daily I loved her, kissed her check when she left for work( this was all she would allow) and out notes in her lunch daily, which to my surprise she kept. One night I was sitting up late alone and had the nagging feeling something else was going on. Being ignored for a couple of weeks didn't lead to this, I felt. Surely she would have told me there was a problem before it escalated to this stage.
Going against what I swore I wouldn't do, I got her phone and opened it up. No text history, no call history, nothing amiss in the photos on it. Until I went to her deleted photos. Bang! Pics of the OM blowing kisses and doing teenage selfies in the mirror. In her browser history, I found plane reservations, motel reservations, western union searches, and divorce packets the OM had sent her! When confronted, she admitted that she was indeed going to see himJuly27 thru August 3 to make sure it was "real" I tried everything, told her how much I loved her, what she meant to me, etc. the day she left, I got some software that allowed me to retrieve deleted texts from her phone. This had gone from friendly innocent how's the family to here's what I want to do to you in two weeks. There was also mention of a sexual meet up inApril as he passed thru town. Upon her return we had a long talk about the future. I asked if she wanted to be with him, she said I think so. I asked if she was done with me, I think so. If she was moving to him, no he's not ready for that and it will be a long time before he is. I checked on him- he's been married four times and is a serial cheater. His last wife was half his age and he had four partners simultaneously while with her. I verified this with her. She also said he was controlling, and mentally abusive..since her return they now say I love you to each other daily. When asked, she says they had no sex during the trip due to female issues, which I don't buy. I need to end this mess and get my wife back before it's too late. The only real communication they have is text and face time, and have only seen each other twice since February. Since he is in the military, they are both deathly afraid I will report his actions and he will lose his career. He has a top secret clearance and it would ruin him. I asked her several times if she wanted a divorce and she said no. She even said she doesn't know if this will work due to distance. She is afraid to tell our kids about it because I think she knows it won't last. Any ideas on how to proceed? I really love her, which might sound odd given all that's happened, but I can't shut it off. I know deep inside she still feels some love for me or we would not be talking at all and she would have jumped all over the divorce. I feel like I'm being kept on the side lines as a safety net. If this guy wasn't in the picture I know for sure we wouldn't be in the place we are now. Any ideas? BTW, I have a mountain of evidence, texts, photos, call logs etc
I am searching for ways to end the fog and the affair without too much damage. She has, since i originaly posted this , told me she wants to be with OM because he is her " Soulmate" and she has been in love with him since August 3rd. she has refused to end the affair to save our family. I'm having one of those days where i want to save us and get her back. I dont see this lasting , as it is a LDA and they have only physically seen each other twice in six months.. once for a day and then for a week. Is anything in this salvagable? She did advise that the whole purpose of the trip was to see what daily life with each other would be like and if they would be compatible.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/13/1702:10 AM.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I don't have much to add. I'm sorry you are here. Hang in there. And yes go out and GAL. That is so important to heal and feel better. Listen to the advice. Good luck.
I'm implementing the 180, but its a little difficult because of the kids, and honestly, me. I want my life back. i want my wife back. I still blame OM and hate that she is still talking to him. She told me the other day that she would not end it with him to fix us because she loves him and he is her soulmate. I want so back to find that magic thing i have been searching for the last three months that when waved will make her see what shes doing and end it, but its still eluding me. I have an irrational thought that a long distance affair that is six months old, all over a phone, with a total of 8 days actual in person contact will wither and die soon. She has no interaction with this ass other than on the phone. Her justifications are warped, she took the trip in July so they could play hosue and see how it went. She remains adamant that she doesnt want to be with me, but wants to be with him and have a life with im. he doesnt want her to move to him, so they continue over the phone. My wife was a physical person, i cannot see how this type of relatioonship could possibly be satisfying. She is convinced he is worth a 17 year marriage and our family. She's heavu\y on the manipulation end- threatening to hate me forever if i turn him in to the military and expose him. What do i do?
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Another question - I asked her to try and work on us and she refused to end it with him. She said to try would be cheating on him and that was wrong. So its ok to cheat on me, your husband, but wrong to cheat on OM? What the hell type of thought process is that?
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Another question - I asked her to try and work on us and she refused to end it with him. She said to try would be cheating on him and that was wrong. So its ok to cheat on me, your husband, but wrong to cheat on OM? What the hell type of thought process is that?
Her crazy mixed up one which is quite typical and really part of the script.
My suggestion is to push them together and stop providing for any of her needs, let her go. DETACH, you are not going to win her back by continued pursuit.
She refuses to go to be with him despite saying she wants to be with him. As I said earlier, he is in the military in Georgia and we are in Kentucky. She will not leave the children to be with him and he does not want children . They have both said they are not ready to live together and it will probably be a long time before they are.
right now i am at a crucial juncture~ I have a massive file to submit to the military that will ruin his career, and possibly end this mess. I am unsure if i should, because she told me if i do she will hate me forever, which in reality doesnt matter because She claims to be in love and that he is her soulmate, and she doesnt want to be with or have a lifge with me. What can i do to end this and get my WW back?
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
