I have the feeling that I may have been played by my WW. At least that's what my father thinks. So I get a text earlier from W asking me what time I am getting off. Tell her same time as usual, unless something comes up. So W tells me that she is having vehicle issues and needs for me to pick her up if possible. So I agree to pick her up from work and bring her back to her house. In the vehicle everything is cordial and we even talk and laugh about some things.
So I ask her what exactly is wrong with the vehicle. W says that she noticed a flat tire during lunch and quickly took the car back to her place before it could get completely flat. We get back to her place and the car is sitting there with a flat tire in the driveway. So I inquire why didn't she change the tire, since the spare is in the trunk? She mentions that she didn't want to drive with it for a couple of days. I mention that you could use long long enough, until you can get a replacement. Which would be tomorrow, since that's when we get paid. W plan is to get the vehicle towed to Walmart for them to change the tire. But not before finding a tire tonight.
Now the old version of myself would have said how crazy this plan was. But I kept that to myself and said "Sounds like a plan." And since she didn't ask for help with the tire, I never offered to change it myself. We exchanged S13 who was at her place and left from there. No win the back of my mine, I can't help but to wonder. Where are these so called men who were in my W ear telling her to leave this MR? I know one in particular works in Public Works down the street from her. Could this guy not change a tire? But yet she called the one guy who emailed divorce papers to her a few days ago. The guy who she acts as if hadn't done a thing for her the whole 17 years we were together.
And OM who leaves in VA. Will he be sending the money in order to replace the tire? I highly doubt it due to the fact that he is only good for a good time. And being my W obsession. In a way I feel as if she tested me to see if I would show up to help. And I just confirmed that she could still call me whenever she needed me. That I am still her go to guy whenever sh*t hits the fan. But she can still mess with everybody else for a good time. My father pretty much confirmed that is what she did. But I'm just curious to hear, especially from Sandi is he correct about what just happened. And how I should have handled things if I did get tested.
Aren't you the one who was talking a few days ago about getting some poor guy fired if he succumbed to your wife's advances? And yet you come running when she calls? Needing a ride home from work does not qualify as an emergency in my book.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Probably should have told her to take an Uber or try harder to find a friend. I agreed to it without even thinking. My downfall is and will always be a sense of loyalty to those that I care about. My father knows this all to well. And called me out on it. As pissed off as I am at W. My natural instinct is to look out for her. Even after I agreed to, I wondered if I should have text back telling her that wasn't going to assist her. But then I wondered if I should help, proving that I was trying to be the bigger person. And not the jerk, she claiming that I am. So there is the dilemma.
First, you are trying to pick apart her reasoning for why she called you, making up a bunch of scenarios why she didn't call some other man......Does it even matter?
You say you do this because it's in your nature. fine, do it, but have no expectations attached whatsoever.
But I can give you the absolute simple answer to this. She called you because she knew you would do it. And you did. Like you said, it's your natural instinct. However, I doubt a little bit of the natural instinct because you wondered if you were help because you don't want her to be a jerk like she thinks you are.
Either you do these things or you don't. But don't attach scenarios and expections to it all.
There was no expectations for me helping out. But afterwards I started to wonder if I should have done so. I am supposed to be detaching here and was doing good. She called I didn't hesitate to assist. And I can't help but to wonder was this all a test. Also was I foolish to help when OM may still be in the picture, also potential OM who have been in my W ear talking bad about me.
It matters if my W is testing the waters seeing if she can still use me. So it's not about doing opposite of what I say. It's about trying to make the right choices when dealing with your WS. The thought about trying not to be a jerk came after I agreed to do so. And I am honestly wondering if I shouldn't even care at this point.
It's like I am doing fine with detaching and then she calls. And I am now questioning my actions. As far as the scenarios go. I just wonder why my W could talk bad about me as if I do nothing for her. But the very people she values, she asks nothing from. OM has actually be described as a freaking Savior on her poems. But yet the savior is not asked to perform in miracles other than sex? So afterwards I was feeling a bit foolish for helping out.
Start learning how to say no. Realize that when you start to take this power back, you will receive a LOT of hate from your WW, and that's because she knows you're conditioned to give her whatever she wants in the name of peace.
It's REALLY hard for NGs to deal with, but in the end you have to do it. Because you sure can't let your WW keep using you, and in the future, you need to stop being MNG in order to have a functional relationship with her, or someone else.
I know it [censored] to be where you are right now, I know how hard it is to stay detached from someone who knows what buttons to press, but hang in there and dig deep.
Your right. If this was a few weeks ago, then I would have told her to call someone else or OM. But since then I have calmed down. And things have gone back to be being cordial over time due to me seriously detaching. Not sure if me emailing her the parenting plan and divorce papers on Monday is what led to this. But I feel that this was a test that I failed.
It's not "how to be a jerk" it's about how "Nice Guys" try not to rock the boat and make their SO's mad. "Nice Guys" are actually the opposite of nice guys based on their behaviors e.g. covert contracts, victim vomit, etc.
