Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[AnotherStander]

Another missed DB opportunity. You're supposed to sneak out and get the lingerie out of the bag and put it on your dog. Then you take a picture of yourself dog wearing whatever was in the bag. Put the stuff back in the bag. Then, while your wife is at the party, send her the picture you took of yourself dog.

That's the right intent, but I made a few corrections to it that I feel would be even more appropriate

[doodler]

Another missed DB opportunity. You're supposed to sneak out and get the lingerie out of the bag and put it on your dog. Then you take a picture of yourself dog wearing whatever was in the bag. Put the stuff back in the bag. Then, while your wife is at the party, send her the picture you took of yourself dog.

That's the right intent, but I made a few corrections to it that I feel would be even more appropriate

Everyone knows Sandi's unwritten rule #38 is, "Don't put lingerie on dogs." I mean really, that's just weird.

[Tread]

If only I had a do. Though there is a stray cat that hangs around the house on occasion. 😁

[leahsue]

Y'all are HILARIOUS! I needed a good laugh and Doodler, you never fail to deliver. Now you've turned it into a mini-forum. Keep it up. Laughing helps us all!!!

[Holding]

Thanks again for the laughter.

JoeJoe, I agree that I need to just be myself and stop trying to strategize every interaction. I was never very curious about her purchases in the past. It's possible that leaving the bag out was not intentional on her part. I do suspect it was designed to get a reaction from me, but that's me "fabricating" again (as Acc would say).

(I think I feel another long post coming on)

I had a great Saturday - STBXW was gone. I got my car back with the transmission fixed! I got S14 to go through his clothes and put aside what no longer fit. Then I took him and S10 to the mall, where we bought S14 new school clothes, and S10 got something from the Lego store. On the way home we stopped and got pizza, and S14 entertained us with stories about memes. Things were really good without STBXW around.

On Sunday, I woke up in a down mood, because I knew STBXW would be coming back. Plus I've been having crazy dreams lately - anytime STBXW shows up in one, I seem to wake up. S14 didn't want to go to church, so I took S10. When we got back, I helped him with a school project.

Part of the project was selecting a sentence that represented a theme from a particular story. The first sentence he selected was "Life can suddenly change." When he saw that one, he said "That's a good one for me." I asked him why, and he said he had a good normal life, and now he's losing his house and his parents are getting divorced. I tried to hold my tears, but they started to come fast and I had to go to my room. I had another session bawling on the closet floor.

As I've been thinking more about STBXW's perspective in all this, it's made me feel more responsible for my part in the downfall of my M. And so I feel partly responsible for this h3ll we're going through. I know I shouldn't, but part of me still feels like a failure.

I heard STBXW come home, so I pulled my sh1t together. I helped S10 finish his project, and then I cut the grass. After a while she took the boys to her brother's house for a BBQ. When I was done with the grass, I decided to get myself some "GAL dinner". So I got dressed up, headed out to a restaurant, and got myself a good steak and a beer. Got home and made lunches for the boys for school.

On Monday I was off from work, so it was a good day for IC. I told my IC how I've been having a lot doubts lately about whether I've done the right thing. I also wonder if STBXW has been trying to make me jealous in various ways - leaving out the Victoria's Secret bag, telling me guys were hitting on her on Facebook, and saying some guy tripped over a grate checking her out. It hasn't made me jealous, but it could be an interesting pattern. I think my STBXW wanted me to "fight" for the M more. Everyone tells me I did fight for it, but I guess I'm just second-guessing myself. Too much mind reading.

IC reminded me that I have power in this sitch, and maybe I should consider initiating a convo with STBXW. Maybe I could apologize for the things I've done wrong. Not for her, but for me to feel like I've said my piece. But IC stressed that I should take several days and think long and hard about whether I really wanted to do that. Does anyone think that would be a good idea?

I saw a movie at the theater by myself yesterday. Second time I've done that since BD. But this time I felt comfortable by myself, instead of self conscious.

I also had Divorce Care yesterday. I told the group that I really liked the more open conversation we'd had last week, and I hoped we'd be able to do more of that. Everyone seemed to agree, so we'll see how that goes. One challenge is that different people seem to come and go from week to week.

Last night, S10 started thinking about Halloween and asked me and STBXW who would take him trick or treating. I told him I didn't know since we hadn't talked about it. Then she said she'd take him and I'd be welcome to join them. He looked at me and said, "Daddy, please come." I told him I'd think about it. I am a little resentful that STBXW just "claimed" it and made me into a tag-along. I think I need to address this with her.

Later, STBXW asked me why I always seem to go to my room when she's around. I know I should have directly answered, but I said I wasn't doing it as much as I used to, and I told her she did the same thing. She said she's usually getting ready for the next day. Then she added that she didn't feel comfortable in her own house. I said I understood that feeling.

Sometimes I just want to grab STBXW by the shoulders and scream: "ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? HOW CAN YOU THROW OUR FAMILY AWAY?"

The weekends are just so tumultuous for me. And I realize I'm still letting STBXW have too much headspace. I think I need to switch up my GAL activities. Maybe I need to look into that skydiving solo class.

[Holding]

I guess that last one was too long, and maybe too much of a downer

IC reminded me that I have power in this sitch, and maybe I should consider initiating a convo with STBXW. Maybe I could apologize for the things I've done wrong. Not for her, but for me to feel like I've said my piece. But IC stressed that I should take several days and think long and hard about whether I really wanted to do that. Does anyone think that would be a good idea?

Any thoughts on this?

All 2x4s welcome.

[doodler]

Holding,

I think your wife would use the apology against you. You'd be providing her with supporting evidence of her accusations and her need to divorce you.

[doodler]

And furthermore...

You need to get out and kick @ss. You seem kind of needy and mopey lately. Fix that today. I'm not even attracted to you so how do you expect your wife to be attracted to you?

[joejoe1]

Holding,

It seems you are running from her. Why? It's your house. If you want to be somewhere be there. To me it shows a lot of insecurity when you leave a room everytime your W shows up. You have to show more confidence. Stop running and become the man of the house. Stop worrying about her reaction to whatever you do. I know it's hard to be happy around her, but you have to do this for your own sake. Have you ever experienced your W, when she saw you truly happy? If not, then doing something different is part of DB.

Also, your wife asked you why you leave everytime she enters the room. Maybe she wants to see you take charge. Try taking charge. You were mad because your wife took charge for Halloween, stop saying I don't know, and say I will do it. Take charge. Stop waiting on what you wife will do, and you just do it.

You are doing a good job with GAL.

[Holding]

I'm not even attracted to you so how do you expect your wife to be attracted to you?

That cuts deep man. I thought we had something special. But now I'll have to build my awesome life without you. See ya!

But seriously, I know I've been in a dark place lately. I don't know why this is all hitting me so hard again. I think STBXW opening up to me about her doubts made me reconsider my approach. I've read in some other sitches that sadness seems to strike around this time - for me 5.5 months after BD. But you're right - I need to pick myself back up and find my strength again.

It seems you are running from her. Why? It's your house. If you want to be somewhere be there. To me it shows a lot of insecurity when you leave a room everytime your W shows up. You have to show more confidence. Stop running and become the man of the house. Stop worrying about her reaction to whatever you do.

To be fair, I don't scamper off every time she's in the room. But I admit I do need to be more confident. I actually did a pretty good job last night. S14 had a school concert and I sat with her and S10 (I sat next to S10). At home I was interacting with the kids and laughing, and I must have been in the same room with her for at least 45 minutes.

I know it's hard to be happy around her, but you have to do this for your own sake. Have you ever experienced your W, when she saw you truly happy? If not, then doing something different is part of DB.

When I'm truly happy, she just looks at me like she's not sure who I am. TBH, I haven't been truly happy for a while, but I think I've been doing a good job of acting "as if". Going from "as if" to the real thing is taking some time though.

Also, your wife asked you why you leave everytime she enters the room. Maybe she wants to see you take charge. Try taking charge. You were mad because your wife took charge for Halloween, stop saying I don't know, and say I will do it. Take charge. Stop waiting on what you wife will do, and you just do it.

Fair point. I do think she used to want me to take charge, since I was the typical easy-going NG the entire M. But now she wants me to roll over in the D. So I realize I need to take charge for my own sake at this point. I do find myself strategizing about the D a lot, which causes me to think more about things and be less decisive on the spot.

Thanks for the tough love, guys.