holding, I feel for you here! Even though my(can I say it now?) STBXW never had that temper to ever lash out at anyone in her life I feel somewhat relieved that it hasn't come to that. Mostly because I do have a temper and I fear I may revert into that behavior easily if prompted. Thank god for my IC! Having said that, she has been snapping at the kids as of late, all the things that the kids did that drove me nuts she now has the outburst towards them instead of me and the new me just lets it slide! I too take the same path as you regarding the kids, I just let her do what she feels necessary and deal with my kids in a polite calm manor to calm them down. She just keeps pushing them away. Keep it up buddy, we're doing great!
Joseph, S10 has been dealing with this behavior from STBXW forever, so I guess he's used to it. But he typically throws a mini fit or argues with her. Both my sons have ADHD - they got it from her. They are a handful and she's not well equipped to deal with them.
Dusty, sorry to hear about your W's outbursts. Like you, I also find myself being calmer than I used to be. I'm much more tolerant of things not going my way and accepting of the bad things life throws at me.
Some randomness:
Last night STBXW tried to discuss the division of assets and child custody with me. I told her I wasn't interested in discussing it without L's. She kept asking why not, and I told her if she kept pushing the issue, the conversation would be over - I now realize I should have ended the conversation at this point. She pried about the house a bit, and I said I'd considered keeping it, but wasn't sure how I could afford it. She pushed some more about the kids and told me she didn't think I would stoop to trying to get more than 50% custody. I reiterated that I wasn't talking about it. She asked me what I wanted from her, and I told her I just want to get on with my life. She said "yeah, me too."
I read through EyeTie's old thread last night - it was very inspirational. The guy wasn't able to save his M, but he saved himself and was a lot happier in the end. He didn't want to save his M once he realized how his W really was. He also seemed to do a much better job than me when it comes to letting go of anger. I'm still working on that.
On Monday I attended my first Divorce Care meeting, and oddly enough the subject was dealing with anger. TBH, it was more religious and spiritual than I expected. It's not specific to any denomination, but I guess I was expecting it to be more of a open-form support group. I'm not sure it's right for me, but I'll definitely give it another week.
One thing the Divorce Care group did make me realize is that this emotional turmoil will continue for years. I've been wondering if I'm lying to myself about where I'm at emotionally. Sometimes I get scared that by the time I fully heal, I'll have lost too much of my life to this process. I get scared about losing the opportunity to meet someone new. Then I get upset for even wanting to meet someone new.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Sometimes I get scared that by the time I fully heal, I'll have lost too much of my life to this process. I get scared about losing the opportunity to meet someone new. Then I get upset for even wanting to meet someone new.
Holding what you are experiencing is called catastrophic thinking and it is all in your mind.
You'll go through the stages of grief (your in Anger now) and you will be fine. You will probably live another 50 years and I am sure you will find someone new.
The great part is you are learning many new relationship skills that will carryover into the future.
I wasn't familiar with the term catastrophic thinking, so I had to look it up. OMG that's the worst thing ever I can't believe I do that I might as well give up. (jk)
But seriously, I do have a tendency to see the bad in situations, so I guess I need to be more aware of how that's affecting me.
I do mostly feel hopeful for the future, but I have my moments of doubt.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Not much new to report. Maybe AS can drop by to deliver a thought provoking 2x4
My L and STBWX's L have been talking about scheduling mediation, but nothing's firm yet. I'm not looking forward to the legal side of things. Especially since I'm reading the book on splitting from someone with BPD and NPD. It's just so sad that our life together has come to this.
But in spite of that, I do feel like I'm getting better emotionally, bit by bit.
It's weird, but I think my ability to enjoy music is a good indicator of mood. After BD, I couldn't even listen to music for about a month. My brain just couldn't even deal with it. I slowly started listening more, but had to avoid anything sad that might set me off. Now I find I can listen to the sad songs too - they touch me but they don't bring on the tears.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Speaking of music, I'm writing a song about my XW and marriage. It's titled "Goodbye Scurvy Wench" and you can sing it to the tune of Elton John's "Candle in the Wind (Goodbye Norma Jean)." Not only is it therapeutic, I think it'll be a top hit among pirates. Check for it on YouTube in the coming months (search for "Doodler and the Doods."
STBXW was out of town this weekend, visiting a friend (uh, yeah right). But life with just my boys and me feels normal - we had fun and kept busy. We're used to not having her around. If I can keep the house, I think this'll be okay for us. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those "the kids will be fine" people. But I do think this might not be quite as horrible for them as I'd imagined.
The transformation of this process is scary. I do wonder sometimes where the real me is in all of this. I look back on myself pre-BD, fat and complacent, and I recognize my flaws in the M. I look back at the me immediately after BD, and I see someone desperately - and embarrassingly - trying to hold on to something that was already gone. Now my anger is wearing off a bit and I'm looking down the road unsure about what's next. The future me will probably look back on me now and see someone different as well. I guess I just have to tell myself, that no matter where I am in the process, I'm doing the best I can.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those "the kids will be fine" people. But I do think this might not be quite as horrible for them as I'd imagined.
Obviously you are trying to make the best out of a bad situation. So plan A did not work out so kick the $hit out of plan B right? My kids have adapted and I think are doing a good job of adjusting. I know if they had their choice they would want their family back together however I do think it will be much easier on them if they see you and your W interacting in a positive manner.
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I do wonder sometimes where the real me is in all of this. I look back on myself pre-BD, fat and complacent, and I recognize my flaws in the M. I look back at the me immediately after BD, and I see someone desperately - and embarrassingly - trying to hold on to something that was already gone.
You got your lazy in your MR and with life. It happens, it happened to me. I know I won't let it happen again We all did things after BD that looking back are embarrassing. Mine lasted for roughly 3 weeks and then I did a big temperature check a month after she moved out. It's normal, don't beat yourself up. You got your confidence back now though so there is no looking back!
