Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[joejoe1]

Holding,

I want to keep using your real name, LOL. But you can do this. I have faith in you. I keep my desires on a piece of paper in my wallet. I pull it out when I feel down. Everytime I walk in my house, I ensure i'm not in a sh$tty mood. I let her be, but I won't let her keep me down. I keep pushing forward. I has been hard. A few days, I have let her mood affect me, but I jump back on my horse, regroup and continue down my trail. Your W will notice and wonder, where you are going, and how are you getting there. I listen to jazz music as I drive home, I work 45 mins away from home, so a lot of time to think and focus on the good stuff. I go back and forth with my thoughts, but I force myself to feed the good wolf.

Let's feed the good wolf together. If you are having a hard day, you can call me anytime. I hear to listen and help provide encouragement. I also have my go to friends that I call or text all times of the day and night to vent to.

[TBSakaJ9]

Holding.....cool, confident, calm, and confident. There is no reason why you should feel any different. Don't let your W impact your emotions and don't scurry from room to room. It is normal to feel scared and to lose confidence when you have been rejected. Find your value as a man and find your confidence within. Once you do that you will realize that you don't need a woman to validate you.

[doodler]

Let's feed the good wolf together.

Um yeah, maybe you two should get a room.

[Holding]

Doodler, you're no longer invited. To think I trusted you

[doodler]

Holding,

Sorry! I was jealous; you get all the attention.

[joejoe1]

Doodler,

Please stay out of intimate moment. And Holding I only stay at 5 star resorts.

Also doodler, I need you to split that attention 50/50.

[Accuray]

Holding,

You should apologize to your STBX if you want to -- but only do it once. If you've done it already don't do it again. The key with an apology is that (1) there can't be any "buts" and (2) there can be no expectation of reciprocation. i.e. "here's what I've done wrong and I'm sorry for that" -- the end.

ONLY do that if it will bring you some closure or some peace. Most likely it will not, and you'll want to make another overture because you didn't get the resolution you were expecting.

As I've been thinking more about STBXW's perspective in all this, it's made me feel more responsible for my part in the downfall of my M. And so I feel partly responsible for this h3ll we're going through. I know I shouldn't, but part of me still feels like a failure.

It's totally normal for the LBS to cycle from feeling totally victimized to feeling totally responsible and all points in between. Be gentle with yourself, this is just part of the process and it comes and goes.

I used to go through waves of despair that would just hit me out of nowhere. My wise IC said that over time they would come less frequently, they wouldn't last as long when they did come, but that the very last thing to go would be the intensity, and she was right.

You will heal from all of this and you will be happy and feel great again, trust me.

One very important thing to think about is that there are things you can control, and things you can't. You can't control what STBX does, and you can't change what has already happened between you.

The things you cannot control or change you need to surrender to. That is not as easy as it sounds, because it can be very frustrating and you will hold onto the notion that you can exert control over things that effect you.

I used to visualize literally letting go of a set of handlebars and it brought be great relief as I trained myself to do that. If you're upset about your contribution to what happened to your marriage, acknowledge it, vow not to repeat it, and then let go of it. There's no value in carrying that around.

Acc

[Holding]

Thanks JoeJoe and Joseph!

JoeJoe, I'll probably take you up on that call. I have some friends and family I lean on in hard times, but I've discovered your support group can never be too big!

Joseph, you're right that my confidence has suffered. TBH, it was probably gone long before BD. So I have a lot of work to do getting it back.

[Holding]

Acc, thanks for stopping by.

I have already apologized, about a week after BD in fact. At the time I offered it, I was in a much different place, but I did offer it sincerely and with no expectations of any reciprocation. So I guess there's no need to revisit the apology. Case closed!

The insight on despair - good to know. I don't like the intensity though, that's actually the worst part. I guess I'll have to learn to live with it for the time being.

You will heal from all of this and you will be happy and feel great again, trust me.

Thanks

[Holding]

Went out with a friend last night for dinner and we sat at the bar. He helped me work through some emotions about a legal issue I'm struggling with - it pretty much requires me to decide if I'm 100% done with this M or not. I don't want to get into the legal side of things here, but I view this as a real point of no return for the M. Still haven't made up my mind.

Anyway, as we were talking we got into a conversation with two women sitting at the bar next to us. I was attracted to one of them. It turns out she's actually from my hometown and grew up not too far from me. I noticed she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. She even seemed to put her hand into positions so that I might notice (her left hand was on the opposite side from us). We made eye contact a few times. They were flight attendants and actually made a comment about my friend and me flying somewhere with them.

This did make me realize I just don't feel right doing something like that until I'm done with the D. But there is a small part of me that says, "Hey doofus, why didn't you get her number?"

On the drive home I was all smiles for myself. I think I'm starting to get my mojo back