Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Starting a new thread.

Link to previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2754432&page=1

[Holding]

RECAP: BD in late April, 2017. Did some wrong things for about a month then started DB'ing for another month. W said she wanted a D on 7-13 and her L filed 4 days later. Since then, we've told the kids, and I've gone dark. Trying to save things has just gotten too painful for me.

I've accepted the D is coming, though I still have emotional moments that hit out of the blue. I've also realized that my W has used me and treated me like a doormat for pretty much our entire M. The hardest part is I allowed it to happen.

D is not what I wanted, but it's here and I have to face it. I'm trying to look forward to what my new life could be - an awesome single dad who could be a really great partner for someone new.

[Accuray]

Holding,

Once again glad you're doing so well! I would not tell your W about your plans for the house for three reasons:

1. I don't think it will impact whether she moves out at all. If you want her to move out that's a separate issue and you should tackle that head on -- be assertive and tell her you want her to move out if that's what you want.

2. I'm sure if you tell her you want to keep the house it will lead to some negotiating on her part. If she believes she's going to give something in any way then she's going to want to get something. You're much better off negotiating everything at once than each thing in serial.

3. You're going to need to play a bit of poker in negotiating your divorce and better not to show your cards in advance

Acc

[Holding]

Thanks, Acc! Some very good points, and I agree with all of them. I do need to check with my L to see if I can ask W to leave. In the past she advised me that I shouldn't try to make her leave. It's better for me legally if it's voluntary on her part.

In terms of my personal progress, I feel like I'm slowly getting better and more emotionally stable. It's weird, but I usually feel better after an emotional torrent.

A coworker today told me that, in the last month, I seem to be happier and I'm laughing more.

I was talking to my cousin about my sitch recently - he D'd years ago. He told me I seem to be doing much better than him when he was at this point in his D. I guess I can chalk that up to DB'ing. I don't think DB'ing did much to save my M, but I think it helped me find a way to grow and make the most of this horrible sitch.

[Holding]

I've done a lot of thinking about our MR and all the pluses and minuses. TBH there are a whole lot more minuses. If money were no object, I'd strongly consider telling my L to push the D ahead and start driving the case.

I've been sleeping like a champ and I can definitely feel the old appetite coming back. Being around the STBXW (I can't find it in myself to call her my W any more) is starting to get easier. Though I still wish she'd move out.

My anger is starting to mellow a bit. I've been letting my anger out in constructive ways when I'm by myself at home or in the car (yelling, cursing, etc.). I usually feel much better afterwards. And I'm starting to feel tired of the anger. It's a burden I don't want to carry any more.

I'm also starting to feel something different for my STBXW. What I'm feeling is more like pity. She's a sad shallow reflection of the person she used to be. She's ruining everything she's worked to create for her family. She shows troubling signs of detaching from her kids. If I ever knew the real her, then I think she'll be facing a lifetime of guilt for this. That doesn't make me happy any more - it makes me sad for her.

My IC says I seem to be making good progress, especially with the boundaries I've been setting with my STBXW. The last few times she needed something from me, she actually asked instead of telling me. These boundaries help me feel safe and in control of the sitch.

I'll be starting up with a Divorce Care group next week. I've heard good things about it from others here, so hopefully this'll be another outlet for me to handle things and grow as a person.

[Tread]

Holding,

At one point, I began to feel pity for my W. Sitting there staring that the phone and sneaking off every time she got message. I'm GALing like crazy and W would be sitting on the couch. Couldn't help but to think that being with OM has regulated my W to this person. Depending how your W reacts will likely determine if you will continue to pity her. W have a way of knowing that you are pitying them and tend to take their frustrations out on you. So be careful in desperation that will come at you.

[Holding]

Tread, it sounds like the pity you're describing is the contemptuous version, where you kinda look down on them. I used to feel that way when my STBXW would be sneaking around on her phone too. To get me through those moments, I used to imagine she was actually smearing sh*t all over her face

But now what I'm feeling is a little different. It's like the pity you'd feel for a wounded animal.

[Holding]

I had a pretty good weekend. The atmosphere in the house, with STBXW still living there, has started to feel better. Things haven't been confrontational, but they haven't been good either. I guess I just don't care any more.

I just hung out with the kids at home on Friday night - I got pizza and we watched a movie (well, S10 and I did, S14 played on the computer). STBXW didn't get home till around midnight. She never said she was going to be out and that I had to handle dinner. Whatever. I'm there for my boys.

On Saturday night I took the boys out. STBXW had been gone for a while since that afternoon, so we just left. A few minutes after we left I got a text from her asking where we were because she wanted to get sushi with the boys (which was news to me). I replied that I took them out, and she sent me this long-winded text about how it would be nice if I told her when I took the kids, because she just showed up at home and no one was there. I replied ok.

So the boys and I got burgers and hit a local arcade. I just found this place last week - it's amazing! It's filled with classic games from the 80s and 90s - you pay a flat rate to get in and play as much as you want. We ended up staying until the place closed at midnight. Both boys had a great time (even S14!), and I'm thinking about the monthly membership so we can go as much as we want.

The funny thing is right as they were closing, a woman who worked there started talking to me. I think she might have been hitting on me - she made a point to mention she didn't have kids during our conversation (which seems really strange in retrospect). Again, this could be nothing, but the possibility of it being something felt nice.

When we got home, STBXW was sulking around and complained that I'd brought them back home late, since they have church in the morning. She didn't inform me of this - actually we never go to church anyway. (Y'all notice how she expects me to let her know of my plans with them, but it's not a 2 way street?) I told her she never informed me of her plans. She said I should've known since she took them last weekend (for the first time in YEARS). Classic assumption of my STBXW's part.

Next morning I slept in, and I awoke to find that no-one had gone to church and STBXW was just waking up as well - go figure. She was making breakfast and asked me if I'd like any. I was hungry, so I said sure. After breakfast, I thanked her.

She then apologized that her text from the night before might have been "a little b*tchy". But then she re-iterated that she needed to know what I'm doing with the boys while we're living in the same house. I told her I'd let her know, but I reminded her that she needed to reciprocate.

Sunday afternoon I had to go find a new YMCA, since my usual one was destroyed in the flood. I found one and had an awesome workout! Afterwards, I drove home with the windows down, radio blasting, enjoying the nice breeze and country backroads. Life can be good if you let it.

[Holding]

Just some observations...

My STBXW cannot deal with most situations without resorting to anger. This morning she had to take S10 to an appointment. S10 is not yet really independent in terms of going through his morning routine without constant reminders and prodding. STBXW doesn't fully realize this, since I've always handled the morning routine.

She got frustrated with S10 not eating his breakfast and threatened to turn the TV off. Then she said "Holding, turn the TV off".

My response, delivered cool and calm: "I'm not taking orders from you, W". I swear, I think those may be the most meaningful words I've ever said to her.

After a minute, she got up and stormed over to the remote to turn the TV off herself. Then she berated S10 for his behavior.

A few minutes later she said it was time for S10 to go, though he was not finished breakfast. She got in her car and then proceeded to honk the horn every few minutes. This is not new behavior, but it used to send the old NG me into panic mode, trying to get someone out the house. But this time I just sat in the kitchen and told S10 that he should probably get going.

I'm so glad I'll be free from this kind of behavior, and from the emotional weight of being intertwined with it. But I do feel bad for my kids, who will continue to have to deal with her raging. I won't be around to insulate them from it.

[TBSakaJ9]

How does S10 respond to all this? Both my D8 and D6 get distracted easily as well and I swear I have to tell them about 10 times each morning to get dressed and eat breakfast. Between the TV and their ipads they have zero attention span .