Living in limbo and hating it

[Painful]

25, Kaizen, J9 -

Thank you for your responses. It looks to me that all of you are thinking that my asking WW to pay for her own insurance will likely push her to file for D and it's more cost effective for me to prevent it by not bringing the subject up. I've thought of that, and that's one of the reasons I brought this up on this board. OTOH, she hasn't made any moves up to now and I highly doubt that would cause her to be more decisive. Which brings me to:

There's a reason your w has not filed or sought support. (I don't know that reason but there is one).

I know we can't mind guess but does anyone have any theories on this? This q has crossed my mind MANY times as well, and while I have my own theory it's probably way too subjective and optimistic. I'd certainly appreciate any thoughts from objective 3rd parties, particularly from the ladies here as MAYBE they could understand it better.

I was trying to be realistic about it knowing as well she wanted to move out. I did not want to hold money over her head and that be a controlling factor in her reason to stay.
My thoughts was if you want out, lets sit down and discuss finances and how we can make this happen. I hope this makes sense.

That's great you were so cool and collected, J9. When my WW was moving out though, I had just found out that she was involved in a long-term PA with someone from our close circle of "friends" and obviously living a double life for all this time. I still don't exactly know how long it was going on but we're not talking a few months but 1-3 YEARS. Additionally, she refused to stop it and wanted to move out. So you can imagine I wasn't nearly as cool as you and my thoughts and actions were - you want out, then you're completely on your own (except expenses for D11). I didn't cancel car insurance b/c it was prepaid for a year last October so I forgot about it in at the time. When I calmed down and remembered about it a month or two later, I decided not to bring it up and be petty or vindictive as 25 described her feelings re her H. And honestly, knowing the OM, I thought that their A would fizzle out quickly in the real world of rent and bills. And yet here we are, it's still going. I doubt that it's very strong as he's still just a booty call rather than a full-time partner 9 months later but again I don't know. But I do know that I really don't want to subsidize her current lifestyle on my own accord. Obviously if she takes it further by filing for D I will have no choice but for now I do. Thus my dilemma.

Does she earn a lot? If not, how is she getting by without any support?

She doesn't, and neither does the OM. That's one of the reasons I didn't think it would go on for too long in the real world as I said above. But I guess between the two of them, for now they have enough to pay for rent, food, and some weekend entertainment. The other reason was and is that they're rejected as a couple by nearly everyone, both their families and most friends. How long can you live in a vacuum? But I guess they're living it up one day at the time; anything else be damned b/c they're "soulmates".

[Matrix]

[quote=25yearsmlc]There's a reason your w has not filed or sought support. (I don't know that reason but there is one).

I know we can't mind guess but does anyone have any theories on this? This q has crossed my mind MANY times as well, and while I have my own theory it's probably way too subjective and optimistic. I'd certainly appreciate any thoughts from objective 3rd parties, particularly from the ladies here as MAYBE they could understand it better.






I don't mean to hijack Painfuls's thread, but this little line caught my attention as well. I am 1 year and 4 months into my separation. W has been in a full-blown PA the entire time. They don't live together. There has been no separation agreement, no request for support and no D talked about or filed. I am thankful for this, because I think it would be easier to recon if we are still married.

Anyway, if anyone can chime in on their thoughts on this, I think it could answer Painful's question and I can lurk in for some answers or ideas as well.

[Painful]

I don't mean to hijack Painfuls's thread, but this little line caught my attention as well. I am 1 year and 4 months into my separation. W has been in a full-blown PA the entire time. They don't live together. There has been no separation agreement, no request for support and no D talked about or filed.

Wow, Matrix, looks like our sitches are identical except you're 7 months ahead of me. Maybe you can share your thoughts on my original q about no longer paying for WW's car insurance. How do you guys handle financial arrangements? Are they completely separate or are you paying for anything for your WW (or maybe vice versa)?

I definitely wish I'd cancelled it at the outset when everything was "hot" as she was moving out; wouldn't have this dilemma right now. Our current communication is very minimal but civil and neutral. This MIGHT bring it back somewhat to the negative side but then again I remind myself that the WW is carrying on with her A so who gives a s--t.

I am thankful for this, because I think it would be easier to recon if we are still married.

For sure. And that sums up my own theory on why they aren't doing anything: they may be done emotionally and physically with MR for now but deep down in their brains they have serious doubts about their As ending in happily ever after. And as much as being Plan B is being looked down upon by many, I believe that at least for now it's better than being no plan at all.

[Matrix]

W and I do not share anything financially. Everything we have is separate. If I were you, I would just pay the insurance again. If it is not big deal financially to you and you pay the whole year at once, I would just do it. No need to cause any big waves at this point. I would just text her when it's paid and say "The insurance came up for renewal and I paid it for the year. Just wanted to make sure that you knew"

I am not sure about the no filing part. I have many, many friends in real life that have gone through a D and none of them went through it this long. Not even close. Most were filed in under 3 months. I don't want to speculate too much on it, but it makes me think there is a reason for it. I think there must be some sort of doubts deep down. It might be doubts about their AP or doubts that they might not want to finalize it all. Lots of room to speculate. Maybe some others can chime in and give their opinions from what they have seen in their lives.

I agree about being plan B for now and not plan zero. I know that if we ever reconed, I would not remain plan B and would again become plan A or the recon would not work.

[Painful]

I am not sure about the no filing part. I have many, many friends in real life that have gone through a D and none of them went through it this long. Not even close. Most were filed in under 3 months. I don't want to speculate too much on it, but it makes me think there is a reason for it. I think there must be some sort of doubts deep down. It might be doubts about their AP or doubts that they might not want to finalize it all. Lots of room to speculate. Maybe some others can chime in and give their opinions from what they have seen in their lives.

We're pretty much on the same page, M. Hoping people will chime in with their opinions this time around. Definitely hoping to hear from some of the the ladies on this board.

[Matrix]

Yeah, Painful. I was hoping some folks might have some insight on the above posts^^^

[Gordie]

Matrix and Painful,

I am not a lady but will chime in. W told me last September she wanted d. I handle all financial and legal things but on this I said if she wanted it then she would have to do the work. She is not comfortable with financial or legal matters. Well, w didn’t file until March and then didn’t complete the paperwork.

I’m just saying this to warn you it may have nothing to do with their doubting or second guessing. We have no idea. Suffice it to say, they are doing what is in their own self interest which may have nothing to do with you.

[Painful]

Hey Everyone,

Haven't posted in a while even though been following and reading as time allowed.

Anyway, wanted to vent. Exactly a year after BD and 10.5 months after moving out, my WW announced that she wants to proceed with the D. Don't know what's with her and the month of December; for the last two years she makes these life-altering decisions in mid-December. Probably something about starting a new year differently.

She proposed very-very favorable (for me) terms, asked if I'd agree and not contest and said she'd do all the papers and file. I'd be stupid to contest what she proposed, so she obviously wants it done painlessly and in the shortest time (3 months in our state).

Here's the main point of my message today: Even though the possibility was always in the back of my mind, the reality has hit me REALLY hard. Felling very down and distressed again, almost the same as at BD. I guess all throughout I had a flicker of hope that her A would end and she would think about recon but all that seems to be squashed now.

Hate hate hate the thought of losing her, 50% of the time with D11, family closeness, and even the in-laws (with whom I always had a great relationship) FOREVER. I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this q but want to ask: CAN ANYTHING AT ALL CAN BE ATTEMPTED AT THIS POINT TO SALVAGE IT?

Sandi, Arista, Blu, guys -- ANYTHING AT ALL???

Btw, I followed DR techniques pretty well, I think. Other than initial begging and trying to change her mind last year, I've been good at very limited C, no talks about R/A/AP/M, going to the gym, losing 25-30 lbs, GAL whenever possible, being civil and upbeat during kid exchanges, etc.

[Gordie]

Painful,

If you read enough threads, this is not usually a straight path. You don’t know the future. That’s why they say one day at a time. My w has been on and off the d bandwagon and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Do D B for you. She may come back. She may not. She may only come back after D or years later. You never know. So the goal is to be the best you possible. That is attractive, even if your w is the fool who no longer wants to notice.

[Painful]

Gordie,

Thanks for the encouragement. Working towards that goal and I understand it is FOR ME. The pain and frustration comes precisely from the fact that she no longer notices, doesn't want to notice but instead plowing ahead ruining lives around.

Knowing my WW I'm afraid it is a straight path. She waited a year to tell me that she wants to take that step so I'm pretty sure the decision has been made to go ahead and finish it off. The easy terms also show that she wants it done asap. I think she was at the train station figuratively-speaking for all this time but now she's jumping on the train going in the direction away from me. I'm pretty sure she's discussed it with the OM who is promising the world even though in reality he has very little to offer. Should I ask her what her plans are with him wrapping the q with the concern about D11? At this point it seems like the "no talk about A or AP" rule is moot, isn't it?