Living in limbo and hating it

[Painful]

My thought process was that she left, doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me why on earth would I acknowledge it????

Thanks for the input J9. SAD BUT VERY TRUE.

[Painful]

I'm going to say don't acknowledge it, at least not to her.

Since it is a special day for YOU, maybe treat yourself to some radical self-care. Do something that's fun for you, call a friend and treat friend to a nice dinner, see a movie, but above all, plan the day to be as full as possible, so your mind doesn't have a chance to go there.

My 13th was a week ago today, and neither of us acknowledged it. He must have remembered at some point in the night, b/c the next morning I had a text that said "I totally $ucked up, and I am so sorry."

Not really anything I needed to say back to that. And I've not heard from him since, except for a missed phone call Saturday night (probably to check on the house due to Hurricane Nate) but no message or text when I didn't take the call.

I think based on DB principles, it's best to not contact her. If it means anything to her, she will message, but I wouldn't have any expectations. And anything you do towards her will be seen as pursuit and probably not accepted in a positive light.

It sux, I know. Believe me, I know.

Thanks for your story LS. Makes sense; the only thing that stops me from a total agreement is because the gender roles are reversed. All these "love" dates (VDay, anniversaries) were supposed to be initiated by me as a H. I'm thinking it's the case in most families. My W (not yet WW at that time) would expect me to message first even in the best years. And if I didn't (never happened), she'd probably be VERY upset with me but I'm pretty sure wouldn't do it first anyway.

Question though - your H did reach out - late but still - aren't we supposed to reply at the same "level" instead of just ignoring. I understand NC (or LC with kids) idea coming from LBS but wouldn't it have been better to acknowledge his text? Someone did ask in one of the threads - even if a R crosses WAS's mind and try to reach out, why would they want to go back to someone who completely ignores them?

[leahsue]

That would be true, I think, but if you're not familiar with my story, here's a short version of why I didn't respond. My H came to visit (we live 1000 miles apart since January) toward the end of the summer for 2 visits, each about a week. I think he felt my detachment, and got a little nervous that I had moved on, so he made the visits happen. While here, he said all the right things, claims he did not want a D, loves me, sees a future for us, blah blah. We connected physically, like we were newly weds. It was everything I could have wished for, and he asked me not to give up hope for us.

But something didn't feel right to me, especially on that 2nd visit. I knew once he left, it would not be the same, partly b/c we had been so close, that I felt he would need to pull away, as most MLCers do, but also b/c I knew that his job was going to be demanding and all-consuming for the next couple of months. I told him I thought we should both take some time, think about the visits and all that was said, and see where we are when things slow down for him at work.

So basically we have had NC since he left, except for a few business details. Even though I asked for it, it's kind of colored my thinking about the visits. And even though he did eventually reach out about the forgotten A, that was it. Just "I'm sorry, etc." So I didn't feel obligated in the least to respond. It felt like another slap. Now if he had followed through with ANYTHING, not even flowers, etc. (which would be his mode of operation) but even just a card? To me, that's what real "I'm sorry" would have looked like. Not just go right back to ignoring me.

Maybe you're right, and I should have responded, but I've bent over backwards to excuse all the crap, etc. that I've gotten from him since January, and I'm just not doing that any more. If he wants me, he's going to have to full on show me by actions, and not just a random text here and there. Also I have no idea if he's still texting OW all day long, because I gave up my snooping. It was killing me and doing me no favors.

When I think about his lack of concern overall for what I'm doing or where I'm going, and then think about a truly remorseful man who wants to R (like Blu's H), then I'm reminded that if he wants me back, I won't have to wonder AT ALL what his intentions are. He is a compartmentalizer (is that a word?) and always has been, plus we never developed conflict resolution skills in our M, so he puts things on a shelf, and just shuts down. Right now it's all about him, his life up there, his job, and possibly OW. Certainly not me. And the only way I am able to stay sane, detach and move forward with my life is to put him out of my mind. I'm trying so hard to stop giving him free rental space in my head. I'm closer than I was, but not nearly there yet.

[Painful]

LS - No, I didn't know your sitch at all. It sure made it clear as to why you're not responding to anything from him. Sorry it's like that. He deserves no head rental space - "leaving you basically 3 times (initially and then twice when you thought he was R) - that's really s---ty to say the least. Keep your head high and ignore him.

[leahsue]

Thanks you for your input. You know, that whole conversation made me really re-think the whole thing. And tonight I had a possible "new contact" contact me, and to my surprise, I actually felt like responding. Maybe that is progress toward detachment?

I'm also thinking about taking a full time (temporary, until about May, which I love) job in the state legislature.

Can I go back into an 8-5 workplace after being retired, then being my own boss of my own business, since 2006? We Will See.

You've really made me think, and I thank you for that.

You keep being strong, and know that you have helped someone else on here to see things more clearly.... ME....!!!! LOL. I LOVE this place.

[sandi2]

Painful, have you read DB or DR? How about the links Cadet sent you?

[25yearsmlc]

About the car .....is it in your name, or both names? If so, then I suggest you protect yourself by keeping it covered by insurance.

The car is in her name only but it doesn't matter; ownership and insurance are 2 independent things (at least in our state). The car MUST be covered by state law and to protect assets in case of MVA. The question is how to tell her to get her own coverage for the car she's driving without a possible s--tshow.

Wait a second, you said she's not asked for CS or spousal support and you want to cut her off for car insurance. (The car is a marital asset, btw).

Uh, do the math and stop letting your pain push you. You want her to feel pressured to file, b/c her having to pay the car insurance or others bills is NOT going to wake her up to the advantages of being married to you. It's going to annoy the crap out of her.

BTW, my h canceled my car insurance and our d's coverage (without notice, of course.) And that violates the court order not to risk marital property and or dissipate assets.

Then he canceled the life insurance I was paying for (came directly out of my bank account and cost him nothing to leave in place. )


I realize the situations are not alike, but I can tell you how I view these^^ behaviors.

Petty, mean spirited, controlling, and cheap. I will never see him the same way again.

[25yearsmlc]

Painful

I think I sounded too harsh in my response above.

I don't know your background stuff except your w is having an affair and has been, for awhile.

I still feel the same about the money issue until a court resolves it. There's a reason your w has not filed or sought support. (I don't know that reason but there is one).

Does she earn a lot? If not, how is she getting by without any support?

What are your GAL?

[MoveFrwd]

Wait a second, you said she's not asked for CS or spousal support and you want to cut her off for car insurance. Uh, do the math and stop letting your pain push you.

This is exactly what I thought.

Wheree I am anyway, the courts order child support by the number of overnights. It doesnt matter if the kids spend 12 hours with me - if they sleep at my ex's house, then it would be a day there.

We have it set up 50/50 on overnights, and Id say if it goes one or two one way or the other, it's not a big deal and nobody says anything. But I know if they were staying with me 20 nights a month, then it wouldnt really be 50/50 anymore.

My point is that right now, youre at an 85/15 split. My guess is that you are looking at several hundreds of dollars a month - especially if you are the prime earner. Frankly, I wouldnt balk at the 1-200 a month for car insurance if you are getting off without CS/SS.......

[TBSakaJ9]

Pain...when my W moved out we sat down and went over our family expenses and lined out who was going to pay for what. I make more than double what my W makes so I have obviously assumed more of the financial responsibility.

She pays for her rent, living expenses, spending money and cell bill out of her monthly budget. She also pays for a portion of our children's afterschool care as well.

I was willing to do this because I knew I would be on the hook for spousal maintenance and child support due to what I make and also because if we split everything 50/50 she would not be able to make it on her own. I was trying to be realistic about it knowing as well she wanted to move out. I did not want to hold money over her head and that be a controlling factor in her reason to stay.

My thoughts was if you want out, lets sit down and discuss finances and how we can make this happen. I hope this makes sense.