I have done it in certain instances and is usually met with resentment, angry, and rage. I thought that I would let this initial conversation not be confrontational. Perhaps, I am doing it wrong?
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
I was met with resentment as well. I think it's the WW being snobby. Just keep validating. Alot of things we do, they will make us question if it is working or not, due to their attitudes. But this is when our confidence have to come into play. Once they see we are true and confident to what we are doing and saying, their actions will change, it will take time.
I validate my wife now and she accepts it.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Good to know. I will continue with validation. I set up a time for her to pick up some of her clothes (jacket and shirts) but she was a no show/no text so I am back to NC.
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
I replied to her that we should schedule something so that she could get the rest of her possessions at once. She stated she would have to get a moving company and a storage unit but she understands.
My W was doing the "slow bleed" thing where she would come several times a week to get odd and ends. It was very upsetting to me so I finally told her so, and to set a deadline to get it all out. Do what you want for YOU, not her. If you don't mind her stopping by to get stuff then let her. If it's making you upset then just be open with her, tell her that it upsets you having her stop by frequently and you would like for her to remove her stuff so you can go about moving on with your life.
I think a lot of LBS's get very passive/aggressive with this stuff, especially when they think they're DB'ing. IE, she calls and texts and you carry on conversations with her, but then someone here tells you to get her stuff out of your house so you tell her she needs to do that. But what signal does that send to her? An inconsistent one, and that's not good. Try to be consistent. The idea here is to LOVINGLY detach. Not to be cold, rude or indifferent, but to live your own life and detach with love and respect from your W. Your attitude about her stuff -should- be that you don't particularly care whether it's there or not. You don't care whether she texts or not. You might have some boundaries, like she doesn't come over without letting you know first, but the idea is you are independent, strong, happy and healthy with or without her. Does that make sense? A lot of people don't get this part of DB'ing, they think "detach" means being a jerk to their spouse.
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Unfortunately, it led to some degree of small talk (none of which was about the R or M) about the memorial, my Mom's cancer treatment and misc. I validated her statements the best that I could.
I don't know why you think that's unfortunate. Do you have a DB coach? One thing they usually suggest (if there is no OM) is to be a shoulder for her to lean on. It's part of showing her what she's missing. Give her some of that emotional support that may have been missing in the M.
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and she stated elected to tell me that there isn't anyone else, despite what i think (like i am supposed to care or something) and that she needs to continue to focus on herself for her own safety and security.
If she's telling the truth then good for her, she understands this is as much (or more) about her as it is you. That's actually a very good sign.
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She stated her days off and that she was suffering from extreme anxiety lately. I ended the conversation.
I probably wouldn't have ended it there, she was sharing her feelings with you on the anxiety thing and that would have been a perfect opportunity to ask some questions, listen and validate. From reading your posts I'm not convinced you fully understand what validation is. When you say something like "she said she needed some money and I validated", that's not really what validation is about. It is about getting her to share her FEELINGS, and listening to them and validating. Example:
Her- I can't pay my bills this month, I'm falling short!
You- That sounds frustrating, is that how you feel?
Her- Yes, I'm really frustrated, and getting anxiety about it.
You- I can imagine how frustrating that must be, and having anxiety must be difficult too. I'm sorry you're going through these struggles. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Do you see the difference there? It's not about the bills or the money, it's about how she FEELS. Most women are naturals at validation. If you ever get the opportunity to listen to two women talking to each other, really pay attention to that. They do not try to fix each other's problems like men do, they listen and validate. And THAT is what they want from their husbands too, but we suck at it. We want to tell them "here's some money, problem solved!" Or something like that. They actually resent it when we try to "fix" their problems, because to them it feels like we're not listening to them.
Most women are naturals at validation. If you ever get the opportunity to listen to two women talking to each other, really pay attention to that. They do not try to fix each other's problems like men do, they listen and validate. And THAT is what they want from their husbands too, but we suck at it. We want to tell them "here's some money, problem solved!" Or something like that. They actually resent it when we try to "fix" their problems, because to them it feels like we're not listening to them.
This scene from White Men Can't Jump should be required viewing for every LBH. Especially fixers/nice guys.
Yes, you make a lot of sense and I suppose I didn't articulate my whole conversation her. I did validate almost verbatim of the example that you gave me, and I expressed genuine interest in her anxiety (as she had told me about them upping her medication...etc.) I suppose I am just being impatient which is something to work on. I do not feel as if I am going backwards or making things worse.. I guess I am just not delivering fully because it is alien to me. I do not have a DB coach. Between my mother's cancer bills, my home bills, and grad school I am living paycheck to paycheck so I would not be able to procure the funds for an ongoing DB coach. I am trying to be consistent and I am also using the validating cheat sheet and making sure not to over do it. I don't want to sound too robotic if everything she says I reply with a validation (or maybe I am doing it wrong and I should be). I do it one way or another for most of them. I have not and will not bring up M or R things. Also, I do not believe that she is telling me the truth about a OM. She has burnt me like this before and she is living with her ex husband. In my eyes, it doesn't take a mind reader to see what is going on there (he co signed for a car loan shortly after we were married). She has stated that she got a $5k loan for dentistry (which I find hard to believe since she has a HORRIBLE credit score and according to her car payment bill she is two months behind in). She doesn't really talk about her feelings.. She is very closed up (and was in the marriage as well) and it was like pulling teeth to get anything out of her... Even if I simply 180ed and didn't ask I never got any info on her feelings. I did ask some questions and I did validate about her anxiety ( I just didn't go into detail in my original post concerning the conversation). I hope that my expanding on the conversation a little bit gives you a clearer picture of the conversation. The next morning we had a brief conversation (text) about her picking up some odds and ends at seven for which she never texted or showed up to do so. It seems as if she may have been temp checking and got the reading she needed (perhaps.... no mind reading) and so it is back to NC until the next conversation where she tries using something like clothes or bills as a guise. Who knows. I am feeling better and more detached (and not d*ck detached) but just separated from the issue which is giving me a little bit of peace (although it feels as if she is just floating further away).. But, I am preparing myself for that. I have to live for me, what makes me happy, where I want to be in like and set my personal goals. I just need to work on patience (which I am doing) and see what opportunity yields me by practicing and experimenting with DB, I guess.).
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
A quiet past couple of days. It has been nice and I feel a tad bit stronger and independent each day. NC still and just working on me. I am making it deeper into the DR book and No More Mr Nice guy so I feel productive plus my house has never been cleaner.
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Thanks. Although the pain is still there the absence is getting more tolerable and giving me some objectivity.
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
