So far I a up to Chapter 5 of DR and although there are great stories and advice.. I am feeling the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" when I am reading. It seems as if it is all about what to do before your spouse leaves. With that being said, I guess there isn't much to do other than to do NC, see if she comes around while you are GAL. I will still continue to read as there is some good information there that I could use in a future relationship, but as far as applying anything currently... not so much... Each couples sitch is a little different, but the same and I feel that once they leave the house they aren't coming back. I went to work today and a co worker (who shares an office with me once a week) passed away suddenly last night. That was tragic. She survived a very bitter divorce and was rebuilding her life when tragedy struck. Maybe that is why I feel a little bit down today. I had a friend (female) contact me today and approach me for sex (yeah that is all I need right now).. I tell ya.. life is just screwed up sometimes LOL
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Step S texted me last night and wanted me to falsify rabies vaccination records so that he could go on a mini vacation out of state. This is the type of behavior that I have been pressured into by my W and her sons and I declined and told him that I did not feel comfortable doing this (setting up boundaries). This type of behavior was, unfortunately, encouraged for years by my W. I look forward to things getting back to a normal state before I let W back into my life (I can hardly remember what that felt like).
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Siknsad, I just got caught up on your sitch. Wow, I'm actually pretty horrified with everything you've had to put up with in life. So sorry for your sitch.
Please take this time to focus on yourself, not restoring your MR. Think about what makes YOU happy and what YOU want out of life. It may feel like a selfish thing to ask yourself, but it's not! There has to be a "you" in there somewhere, or else you're just a collection of actions.
You've been a very good person to others, but you've really neglected yourself. Do a google search for the "nice guy book". It will be a TREMENDOUS help to you. Get it as soon as possible!
My M with my STBXW was filled with lots of unhappiness. I would tell myself I was a good man, and I was doing the right thing to stick with her. I realized the rough times outnumbered the good times 4 to 1, but I told myself that was enough for me. Then I told myself I was a good man to stay because of our kids. Regardless, I was devastated at BD, like all of us.
A couple of weeks ago I was throwing myself a pity party on the floor of my closet, and I asked myself why these bad things were happening to me. I felt like I was being punished. After a minute, I realized they were happening because I LET THEM HAPPEN. For some sick reason I allowed myself to end up in a R with someone who treated me like a servant. And I'd never even noticed how unhealthy that was up to that point.
Please look inside and ask why you've allowed yourself to get to this point in life.
Think about your own past and examine what led you to try to fix everyone's problems but neglect your own.
It's time to focus on YOU.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Yes, I understand. It is hard, though. Moral dilemma and all of that jazz. Was the book that you were talking about Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy? That was the only one that I could find that sounds like it is what you speak of (I found an online free version on the internet archive.)
Thanks
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Thanks. I have it. Now to try to figure out how to make time between reading DR and my textbooks. It was a quiet Friday night spent with family. I'm slowly starting to accept the situation and trying to inch forward. I'm kind of glad for NC which is giving me the gift of time. I still miss...but not sure if it is the person I miss or the ideal.
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Sorry to hear what your going through. But I am feeling the same way as AnotherStander. I'm curious to why you married her in the first place. The red flags were there and it seems that she at no point was every really loyal to you. Now if you really want your W, then GAL and detach like crazy. When she see's that your not interested, she'll come crawling back. From what I gathered she loves attention. And will come back trying to seek it.
I married her because I felt as if I was in love and that she was too. We had a rocky start and past but since the stroke she seemed sincere about her past transgression. I took it at face value; something I have now learned I should not have.
Journaling:
More hours at work since my co worker passed which will get me some extra cash and keep me out of the house (part of that GAL.. yay!) Also, I was cleaning up my home office and came across one of W old journals from before we even met). Third entry was "Prescribed lithium and ativan...thank God!" The plot thickens. I did a little bit of research online and it confirms my suspicions that one of the disorders that these are used fto treat are BPD. I was never informed by her about any mental illness. I am staying strong. I got yard work done today. I went to a neighborhood meeting and the government is considering demolishing our neighborhood to make way for an antiquated rail system between our town and a major city. Fifty homes could be lost to save 10 minutes! But hey, change is good! If I can walk away from this place and they knock it to the ground maybe I can get a fresh start
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
I"m so sorry for your recent loss and your mom's health issues. I think losing a parent is an under rated life event.
So, A few questions --- what is your relationship or dating history like apart from your w? Were you usually the one to end prior relationships?
And Do you have siblings?
The r as you describe it sounds as if you were doing most of the heavy lifting.
From your posts, the r sounds as if it has never been stable or particularly rewarding and loving for you. Sounds as if your needs were not met by a long shot.
I'm struck by the fact that your mom is very sick and you are in grad school with some financial stresses
--- so, might the possible loss of your w appear bigger than the reality? Meaning, how would your life be different if you w were not in it anymore?
Sometimes, - not always - we want a relationship with someone based on what we believe & hope their potential is as a partner, but not who they really are at present.
What are you studying for grad school?
And what are the issues YOU want to work on in you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the reply. I will answer as succinctly as possible after the ND/GA game. I gotta get my daily dose of GAL
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
