Hello all, I am new to the forum and I have read many of the posts from its users. I have not read DR, but I thought I would, at least, look for others that could give me advice with my situation.
Background: I am 43 (1st M) W is 43 (3rd M) no children. We have been M for 15 mo. And involved on and off for 6 years. When we got together we felt an immediate attraction and she moved in about a month later. She was there for a year or so and then she left unexpectedly (W stated that I broke her trust). She was gone for about a month and then she came back to me for about another 7-8 months (living outside of the home and lying about where she was living EH from a decade earlier that M lasted for 50 days. W had been married one other time also. M left me again for OM and stayed gone for about 10 mo. Even though we were NOT M at the time I was going to school full time, going through cancer treatment and was helping her pay her bills while she was seeing OM. She came back as a roomie for 2 months then left again.
She was gone for 6 months (had a stroke) and then came back. We dated for another 8 months and got married. During the whole R she has had bad anxiety attacks and W has had childhood trauma that she did not seek help for. The honeymoon period time was short and before long she started to be distant (spending a lot of time in bed sleeping). When I tried to talk to W about it and mentioned getting a hobby or something to “get out and do something” W went and got a full time job. I could feel the resentment.
Our first M Thanksgiving she refused to get out of bed for family dinner. 1st Christmas I could get her to enjoy family Christmas. 1st New Years we went out and had a decent time. After the new year W became more distant through work and intimate times were few and far between. She stopped doing anything around the house and when she wasn’t at work she just slept in her room. I did 100% of cleaning, laundry (except hers because W didn’t want me to) and cooking from here on out. W stopped wearing her WR). I was starting to take it personally and I became frustrated. We started to argue and the occasional S or D was mentioned (usually in anger) and then later retracted. In May. I finally convinced her to go to C for her unresolved issues (She had moved out of the bedroom because she was on Klonopin for her anxiety and would be physically combative in her sleep). After a few weeks W came to me and told me that C said no intimacy and if it was a dealbreaker she would move out. I supported W and said I was okay with that because ILY but that I would at least like to have my friend back (watch movies and activity partner). W couldn’t promise anything and just said “We’ll see”. Her MIL (my mom) was diagnosed with stage 4 T3 cancer and I was primary caregiver –I already felt as if I was a caregiver to W as I had bailed her out of many financial situations, played C for her throughout our R, etc. Tensions rose (I asked to be able to go to C with her and W refused).
We became more distant and July 19 I came home from work (and she was in her bed) and I wanted to lay next to her and tell her stories (it was one of our things). She stated “What the F*ck do you think you are doing!!” and became very angry. I had enough and stormed upstairs spouting something to the effect of changing the locks and that I didn’t deserve or need this sh*t) The next day she was gone, but not before taking my deceased father’s guns as collateral to “protect her interests”.
I have tried to contact her to make up (yes I begged and did all the stuff you are not supposed to do) and she is firm in her resolve on getting a D. She told me the next week that she had seen her L and that she would be filing the next week. I contacted her and asked about it the next week and she said they would be filed by the end of the week). Two weeks went by and no DP. I tried to contact her the next week and was unsuccessful and after using another phone number was able to (W told me she blocked my number and me on FB as well as to get rid of all wedding photos off of her FB –6 months prior she changed her name on FB back to her ex-husbands).
This past Thursday (8/31) my uncle passed and I was a wreck and texted W about it and she told me to come see her at work (my mom was primary caregiver to him). I did, and broke down, and asked her about R and she stated that I cannot give her what she needs and W cannot give me what I need and she is going forward with the divorce but cannot afford it currently. W stated that we shouldn’t have got M and that I broke trust by getting her to leave that she never wants to be restored. W also stated that she wanted no R. She was very cold and indifferent and I left heartbroken. When she left she took the BARE essentials (all of the furniture is hers, she left 99% of her clothes, jewelry…etc) She also said that we are ONLY “ M on paper.
She has a history of living outside of her means and she states that she is now at her EH house again (says she is saving up for Down payment for house but with a 540 credit score I don’t know how she will get one). I had been reading on this site (I wish I had known about it earlier) and have now started to “go dark” (GD). I have made an appointment to see my C because I am a wreck. I started to attend church (never have before) because I have identified some things about myself (she had mentioned awhile back) and I want to change into the person I NEED to be.
Communication is non-existent other than W wanting me to inform her when memorial services are and “if she has the day off she would like to come” (even though she was never close to him). I know you are only supposed to “believe none of what they say and half of what you see”, so I am trying not to take anything W says as gospel (which is hard). IL W very dearly and have been her caregiver for many years.
In the heat of fights we would get to the point where I would tell her that this isn’t her house or mine (because it is my late father’s house that is caught up in probate) and that infuriated her. I had tried to reassure W that it was still our HOME just not her house. Anyway, that is where it is at right now. I am in the process of grieving and GAL. I have exercised (the stress from S and possible D has caused me to lose 22 lbs in 2 months) continued with grad. School and am still taking care of my Mom (she doesn’t live with me). W continuously stated that I never made her #1 (but I have literally bled for her on several occasions and take my M seriously (and the S even more seriously). I don’t know what to do. I have read hundreds of posts and it seems as if I should just continue to go dark (as M said we will never be H and W and she’ll never be in the MH again.
I guess I really just wanted to vent because I don’t really have anyone to talk to, IL my W with all of my heart and it kills me that she hates me now. The only option that I see is to GAL (going to church to finally try to be one with a higher power, exercise and grad school), go dark and see what happens. I am not looking for a mystery bullet.. Just some comfort and support. Feel free to ask questions if I didn’t give enough info and I will clarify.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have ordered DR and I appreciate any insight or advice. I will also use this thread as a journal of events so that others can see the progress (or decline) of my M.
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yes.. I have ordered DR and am reading many posts and gaining insight for myself and for the possible salvaging/rebuilding/rebirth of my M.
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Siknsad, the first thing that strikes me is how much loss and grief you have had to cope with. Things that are nothing to do with your W and M.
You probably need to do the equivalent now of being in ICU and JUST focus on you for a few weeks. Breathe. Try to stop thinking about your W. Go NC to protect yourself for a bit. Let yourself feel what you feel. Find an IC. Look after your diet, sleep, exercise. Breathe and heal a bit. Look at the small things you can control, things that might make you feel 1% stronger or 1% better....and right now, your W is unlikely to be one of those things.
Keep posting. Holding, another poster, recently described posting as 'free therapy'!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I have been trying to look after diet, exercise, and sleep. I am going through the natural grieving process for the loss of my family member as well as to be strong for my sick parent. I have went NC and am just focusing on me. I have C Wednesday and I am trying to spend time with family for Labor Day. All of this is hard, but I am trying to stay grounded and am detaching a little each day (Some days are better than others).
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
Labor Day went fine with family and friends (I hosted). W wasn't on my mind as much as before (usually it feels like a record spinning about 30s after I get up and loops throughout the day until I go to sleep). I actually ate solid food today (I have been living off of protein shakes because I feel as if I may have a situational stress-induced eating disorder which makes it difficult to swallow solid food when extremely stressed) - brats and the fixings. It was nice to be around people. Last night, I went to a friend's for a bonfire. They are a married couple and we talked a little bit about my M and offered a little bit of their perspective on matters which was nice. After that, I had a call from a friend who is going through a R breakup and I went to talk to her for a couple of hours and offer some of the advice that I have received from this board to try and pick her up (and gave her a link to it as well). Homework is done for tomorrow and laundry. I worked out and loved on my pups. I am still waiting for DR to get here, but I am learning patience. I am still NC with W, but I do miss her but in a slightly different way. It is kind of in a fading way. C for me on Wednesday and I am not sure what it is I am going to talk about as I am getting many answers from this great forum and perspectives from my friends, but I think it will be good to get a C's interpretation of it all. I still think about yesterday (I went to church for the first time ever of my own volition and in 12 years (coerced). It felt good, I was a little bit emotional, but I didn't really mind it. A higher power accepts the broken (or so I am told) so I am going again(and looking forward to it next Sunday). I want to change to be the person I always wanted to be... I have been fighting it my whole life. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but at least I can say "I will be in it".
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
I am also wondering.....what happens if you have a W that typically NCs you and you NC them back (when you usually pursue)...is this just a waiting game? When, if at all, do you try to reach out if you have not received anything, seen W, or spoken to her? Just wondering? I know that there isn't a specific timeline, but would one say weeks? Months? Ever(Wait for papers)?
M 43 W 43 Married 14 months Involved On/Off 6 years No Children WLMB - 05/17 WLH - 07/15/17 W Change of Address 07/20/17 NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)
