Most of the talk is about herself and yes, she really did say that this is who she wanted to be as a teenager and the person she was during most of our marriage...that wasn't the real her.
The kids? We do discuss them, but they are definitely secondary to w getting what she wants. As I said above, my custody agreement guarantees access to them daily even on days when they are in her custody.
Yes, I am devastated by what is going on but I do accept it. Insert serenity prayer here. I really don't understand how you can commit yourself to a person and build a family and life with him for 20+ years...and then just decide to throw it in the trash can.
In her own mind, she is a saint who has done nothing wrong. To me, she betrayed my love and trust and broke her vows to me. She lied about POM when I asked her point blank about him. She created a fantasy life for herself with him in the middle of it.
I struggle over what we are going to tell the kids and how she will spin all of this.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie - It perhaps doesn't help but I heard a chorus of that same song myself more than a year ago.
In my case she said that because of me that she had been a better person than she would have been otherwise.
Just try not to fall into the trap of re-writing your own history to try to see "signs" in the rear-view mirror that you might have missed.
The only way out of this mess is forward. Make sure you have your ducks in a row and that you are protecting yourself and your wee ones. This might get bumpy especially if her fairy land doesn't work out the way she thinks it will.
Stay strong. Believe in yourself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My EXW new life - check Wished she never had kids - check Wished she never got married - check This was who she always was - check
Ok, that's out of the way.
I'm 8 years post BD. Here's the good part.
There is life after this if you so choose it. Life has this way of leading us to that peaceful place.....much of it we are able to see because of what we went through. I understand the sadness, anger etc. Been there myself in the beginning.
Oh but what a world there is waiting for you. And yes I understand it takes time. I just want you to know there is light at the end of this chapter.
I've read your story. Gosh, it's pretty close to mine and some others. But, it's your future to write and you get to write it how you want.
I agree. We all get to choose the kind of future we will have. I believe this. That's why we should work towards real goals/dreams aa opposed to fucussing on not having what we don't want.
Best wishes Gordie
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
From AnotherStander. He wrote this to Holding. I thought it was beautiful and loving and realistic. He still loves his XW but isn't clinging to hope nor is he hating her for what she did. Wow.
Quote:
I understand some people just get very angry with their spouse after BD. But I do believe that anger is misplaced. Personally I never did get angry with W, I understood it wasn't easy for her, that she felt like she needed to do it to save herself, that she was confused, and most of all that she didn't hate me, that she just didn't want to be married anymore. I really don't see it as being her fault. Our M had been on autopilot for a long, long time. That was as much my fault as hers. What I never realized until it was too late is that while autopilot was OK for me, it was not for her.
Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that I truly feel my XW and I resolved things quicker and easier by remaining cordial and open to discussion throughout. I am not saying it was easy, but it was a lot easier than it could have been. And for me that was a large part of saving myself. A long, ugly court battle would have sent me into depression and anxiety all over again.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So the above from AnotherStander sums up my general feelings about w in a way I have not been able to articulate. Of course I have had some anger over my situation, but it feels like much less than others and I have questioned why. I do feel w is trying to save herself and I sympathize and empathize with her. As ForGump articulated, it's like our w feel like life has passed them by and they desperately want to feel in control of their lives in a way they haven't since before m and children, so d seems to be part of the answer, to build new lives for themselves. W feels she cannot do this in the context of staying m to me. W views this as courageous and that she is setting a great example for other women, including our daughters. The fact that it breaks her vows and hurts others really doesn't factor into the equation. W says she cannot be a good w or a good mother feeling the way she does (trapped/dead/pretending). As all you have urged, the only thing I can do is control me and my future and the only thing I can do related to w is to let her go. I am a slow learner.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Reflecting on the past year, I feel like I am in an extreme version of pursuit and distance.
9/16 b d 1 was the nice one where we just drifted apart and I didn't mean to fall in love with p o m but it just happened and I want you to pay more attention to me.
Following this, we spend more time together and have lots of heart to heart discussions and w says let's push off d until after the holidays.
12/16 b d 2 was the angry one where I was a monster and an oppressive patriarch and sexual predator.
Following this, she wants us to spend more time together and go on a vacation just the two of us.
3/17 b d 3 was the silent one (files for d and doesn't tell me, but then fails to do any of the follow-up legal and court ordered paperwork).
Following this, she says she wants to date and act like b f and g f and we spend more time together and family vacation, etc.
8/17 b d 4 was moving out of the MBR and then back in and then back out and then the resolute one where she says she can't have sex anymore and can't live in limbo anymore and we need to move forward with the d.
So after this? I have 1 stopped talking and texting except about the children, 2 stopped doing things for w (but still doing things that benefit the whole family) and 3 not spending any alone time with her. On her side of the street, w is making all of my favorite foods and acting extra nice.
D B coach says my w is confused and doesn't know what she wants and isn't done with me, but she may need to actually go through with the d before even considering reconciliation. How long can this go on? How to break this cycle? Coach says when she feels too close to me, then she has to push her need for d. But coach also encourages me to keep building the emotional connection, show her I am the man she fell in love with, the man only a fool would leave.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have been shocked to learn my w is not an original. This makes me both sad that others have had to experience this but also less alone.
You give me hope that life will go on with or without w. At present, life seems so dark and a future without an intact family just seems like an unhappy version of the way I thought life would be. I've gotta fight those dark thoughts and grieve what will not be so that I can look positively at all that life will be.
God is supposed to have a plan and purpose for my life, right?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sometimes I think of this question, who has it better, who has it worse. I think in some ways mine is way worse than some and in some ways, much better. I think people have varying amounts of knowledge about what their spouse is up to and has done. While there are so many similarities, there are so many differences too. I see patterns in the Ws and patterns in the Hs. Patterns in the leavers, patterns in the stayers, etc.
All that matters is your reality and what you can tolerate and what you can't. With the D moving forward and no discussion, I can see why you are becoming more introspective, but it won't do anything except perhaps enhance your unhappiness.
I think you need to forget about the divorce and forget about her changing moods and changing positions. There is a reason we are told not to believe what they say. I have confronted mine about things he has said a couple days or weeks before and I can tell from his response that he clearly has no recollection of having said it. Even when I show him the words or provide details I wouldn't have otherwise known he seems shocked by his own words and actions.
Live your life day by day. Make the decision every day, can I make it one more day. I do this with filing (since I have been told not to). I had another micro crying burst about the lies and betrayal. I think this is the last embers of my brain finally free to process the really horrible things he has done as I let it all go.
I hate to see your grief and anguish, but I completely understand it.
