Chasing A Full Night's Sleep

[Gordie]

Brubeck,

You are doing awesome. I hate being ignored but as you pointed out that sometimes beats the alternative.

Best wishes in handling the school stuff. Sounds like you may have to step up and be even more involved?

I don’t understand how they can see the faults in their own families or in others and then do the exact same thing?

It sounds your kids are a little attention deprived but you are three for them. And yes, my kids beg to run errands with me to. It definitely slows things down but I know they just want to be with me. Stay strong.

[Gordie]

Brubeck,

How are you doing living with your phantom? How are the boys?

What you said about your w getting frustrated that a 5yo and 9yo just want to play instead of looking for things to cleanup made me shake my head. I just don’t understand...

[Brubeck]

The furnace died (and was replaced) and I got fired from my job.

The first autumn chill came and I turned on the heat for the first time since spring. Worked fine then died the next day. 2 days pass. I ask STBXW if she or her mother noticed the heat wasn't working. She said no. How could STBXW not notice? It was getting down to 64 degrees F at night.

We had to get the furnace replaced. 2 grand. W threw the total at me like I was going to pay it all. She came back a day later telling me to return MIL's check for half of the November mortgage, which would pay off half of our cost for the new furnace.

Of course, we hardly have any money in savings because STBXW spent half and stole the other half on order from her L. There was no money to pay our half of the furnace, and W's solution conveniently required no effort on her part at all. She didn't have to write a check or arrange payment - just try to order me around. I approached MIL directly and worked out a payment plan. She agreed and said I could cash out the mortgage check.

I got fired on the Friday before Thanksgiving week. A surprise but not a shock. I was struggling a bit there, but not to the extent that I thought I would get the ax. I never received a final warning - no "this is your last chance", "you're on thin ice", "we're not certain about your performance". None of that.

The VP called me in on the morning and said I was being let go because the client expressed concern about my performance. I pressed him for specifics, he repeated himself. I asked him for his personal opinion on my performance. Same vague response about employee feedback (floor level employees that I manage are surveyed every 30 - 60 for feedback on management and I was given an above average rating on the last survey). Very weird.

I am not as upset as I thought I was be. My heart wasn't in it. It was my first go at a corporation. Every problem was answered with having a meeting, making a to-do list or having a meeting to make a to-do list. None of that felt like work. Most of the people were very nice and professional, but there was very little camaraderie. There was no sense of teamwork. Maybe that's just how big business is done.

Half of the work was meaningful, the other half felt like B.S. I'm upset at loss of income, but that's all.

I already have 2 interviews lined up. One was with a company I sent my resume to months ago. They told me to contact them if I ever grew dissatisfied with where I was. I sent in an updated resume and they called me in for an interview the next day. This company is very close in function to the company I worked at for 21 years. Fingers crossed.

STBXW exploded when I told her I was fired. I told her as soon as I got home. She didn't hesitate to start screaming and ask "Have you found another job yet?" She accused me of getting fired on purpose to delay the D and "make me suffer even more".

W's Big sis moved in downstairs with MIL and has been staying with her for the past month. 15 years of alcoholism has ended her marriage. She was the Alpha type for so long - accomplished & professional. She looks awful now, her face and feet are swollen something awful. I feel so bad for her. I've been talking with her more than STBXW does.

Nothing has changed with STBXW - working out and popping diet pills (it's just speed in legal doses), staying out till 4 or 5 AM, ignoring the boys, and laying in bed and staring at her cell phone ALL DAY LONG. She ignored Thanksgiving altogether.

I'm not great, but I'm not as messed up as I guess I should be. I think I'm OK for now. STBXW and I are gearing up for a settlement conference.

[Gordie]

Brubeck,

Wow, that’s a lot of stress on top of everything. Good job at getting 1 a resolution on the furnace and 2 interviews so quickly and hope they go well. Your stbx ignoring the boys and Thanksgiving? Geez, what did you do and how are the boys? Re settlement, have you generally agreed upon a custody and financial agreement?

[Brubeck]

Got fired on November 17th and hired by a new company December 7th. I am very lucky. The pay is pretty good. It's back in my old industry. I'm just happy to be working again.

Last I posted here on DB I said I got fired and only kind Gordie bothered to reply. This may sound too touchy feely, but I was a little upset, and I've stayed away from DB for a while. Do I sound too angry? Am I not sad enough? Are my posts too long? Not much support here lately. Am I not LBS material? I wonder if I just don't sound affected.

This D is sending me into freaking bankruptcy. I am upwards of $20K in legal fees all piled up on credit card bills. She has dragged this thing out and opposed with rage to every step of the process and every response I've made, but she has accused me of dragging this thing out. Maybe I'm not being assertive enough with my attorneys. I am on another discussion group on the net and I heard many divorced guys say not to bug your attorneys and just respond when they contact you.

My attorneys sent a settlement offer at the end of November. I proposed to leave her the house and all equity in it and all the furniture. I asked her to take my name off the house within 30 days or sell it. I offered a child support rate of 33% of my income. I asked to keep my life insurance policy (which in cash amounts to less than the equity I could claim). I said I would keep all debt in my name.

STBXW did not even read the settlement. She had it read to her over the phone by her attorney. She immediately went freaking nuts and screamed furiously around the house for almost a 1/2 hour afterwards. She was SCREAMING, calling me "f**king garbage" and a "useless sack of sh!t". I don't know if she remembered all she said.

I don't want the house, so I want my name taken off within 30 days of the finalized D. She said she needs to work a full year to qualify for a mortgage - thus implying she wants to live in the house under my name. No way. I didn't say it - but she's had almost two years to arrange to take the house by getting a job. She chose not to work, to lay in bed all day or just go partying. In the same two years, she could have arranged a co-signer through a friend or family member.

My attorneys offered two child support amounts. One was based on my unemployment pay (if the D ended before I got a job), and the other was pay from the job I'd just lost. All she heard was the dollar amount of the unemployment version and went nuts.

She hasn't made a counter offer. I think she wants to keep everything and have me pay for everything, and I wonder if her attorney is telling her that's gonna happen. It won't.

They say the MLCer pops out of the tunnel for the holidays. Not this year. STBXW was just as angry as ever, and now she swears at the kids A LOT. The F word is just part of every day talk with her.

2 weeks ago, STBXW developed something called Erythema Nodosum. It's some type of inflammation of the calves, it doesn't do any damage, but it's very painful, and you just have to wait for it to go away, which takes weeks. She had to wait for Christmas to pass before she could get an appointment with a doctor.

She called me from the bathroom at 7 AM on the Saturday before Christmas. I came in to find her sitting on the toilet. She said her joints were hurting from this condition and she couldn't get herself up. She took painkillers and was waiting for them to set in but the lower half of her body was falling asleep.

She was crying in pain and asking me to help her get off the toilet. I wrapped my arms around her waist and slowly tried to lift her and she cried harder. Then she said "how am I supposed to make it through all this pain until Tuesday?" This was exactly the kind of thing the old W would have said. I told her we would take it hour by hour, and not to focus on the 3 days ahead. Once I got her to stand, I kept holding her because I didn't know if she was going to fall.

She held on to me for a while more. She rested her head on my shoulder and cried further. I wasn't fooled. It was old the W peeking out for a minute to get some help, that's all. It was freaking weird, though.

I'm kicking myself again for explaining myself and trying to rationalize with her. She demands answers from me on this or that, then interrupts me before I finish a single sentence - screaming "I don't believe a word you say. You're full of lies. You're a liar." I don't know why I keep bothering to respond. I'm just trying to calm her down before she goes ape sh!t in front of the kids, but she wants answers I don't have.

The biggest thing most people see in a MLCer is anger. I wonder how bad her case is.

[Gordie]

Congrats on getting a job so quickly. W sounds awful, miserable. How are you coping? How are the boys? I too have a w who won’t finalize the d. Can you force her to go to mediation or court? The legal bills $uck but we’ll get through this and re settle the finances once this is done. I figure it’s going to take me a couple years to get re established.

[Gordie]

Brubeck, if you post more and respond to others’ threads, you’ll get more responses. What specific advice can we offer to help?

[job]

Congratulations on being hired by another company rather quickly. I'm sure you are one happy camper to be out of the house, working and away from the MLC situation for hours each day.

One of the things that I have noticed is that if posters don't post often or visit other posters' threads, they won't get a lot of responses. It's not that you are LBS material, but as time moves along, posters tend to gravitate to those who post back to them on their own threads. You may want to take a few moments and visit others and once you do, I'm sure others will begin to post to you.

I am not at all surprised that your w has been dragging out the process. Many of them do this because 1) they don't want to do the hard work; 2) they don't want to look like the bad guy filing and can say later "he/she filed, I didn't"; 3) they are hoping you will say "enough" and give them what they want; and 4) they really aren't sure what they want and hope that you will let everything slide and they can go on living the way that they have been in that comfortable little cocoon.

If you don't want the house, have you thought of just quit claiming it to her or just out right selling it? Your lawyer should be able to offer you some advice on how to get your name off the place.

Some MLCers do come out to play over the holidays and others won't. It all depends the MLCer and the dynamics going on in the situation.

I strongly suggest that you stop trying to explain things to her. She's a big girl and understands more than you think. You can't rationalize w/someone who is overly emotional...again..you've tried this and it's not working. The best advice...actions speak louder than words.

Keep the focus on your and your family. Leave her to her insanity.

[SBJ]

Bru, congrats on the new job. Sorry I missed seeing the other one. I have also been hit or miss being on here. I pray that 2018 is better for us all.

[bttrfly]

Adding my congratulations on the re-employment and so quickly. I'm sorry for not responding sooner. I tend to be somewhat hit or miss these days myself. I really don't know what to say - it seems ridiculous for someone who wants to divorce to not get on with it, but there I go with LBS logic.

Really I have no good advice. All I can offer is to try to detach as best you can, and try to stop the financial bleeding as best you can.

You were very kind to go help her when she needed it most. I hope 2018 brings resolution and peace xoxoxo