Chasing A Full Night's Sleep

[Brubeck]

Last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2757208&page=1

W came to me once more about the custody arrangement. We already agreed to alternate weekends and split holidays and vacation time 50/50. She reiterated that she wanted the kids to spend the night with me on Tuesday and Thursday, instead of me just spending the evening with them. She sounded annoyed to begin with.

She said she talked it over with the boys and the elder two specifically stated they wanted to spend the night with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I could feel her anger and impatience all the way through.

I replied that of course I want to commit to this, but I don't know what my living situation will be like. I plan to find a place to live as close as possible, but I don't know how close I will be and what travel will be like.

I asked her if I am due at the office the same time they are due at school, how can we work this out? She just blurted out to wake them up a half-hour early and bring them back in their pajamas.

I thought of this, but I would actually need 45 minutes to get to work on time from our house. There are many other factors not yet determined that hinge on how the D plays out. My car is quite old. If it dies, I don't know how long before I can buy a new one.

I didn't say all this. I just said I don't know what my living situation is going to be like after the D. She immediately abandoned the custody talk and just started accusations about how I don't do enough around the house and how all the hours I'm putting in at the new job is just a ploy to avoid further household duties.

It's her MLC script. She makes a proposition, asks a question or has a request. If I don't offer immediate and total compliance, she forgets it ever happened and just starts spewing accusations. At least now I can see this when it's happening.

I waited until she left that night. I had a gentle, playful talk with S9. I asked him if W had any conversations about staying at "Dad's new place". He didn't corroborate anything she said. S9 said that W wants me to take them to dinner every Friday night (news to me) and that she's told them a few times that "this divorce is gonna happen no matter what."

MIL put together a joint birthday party for S9 and S4. I'm mindreading, but perhaps she wanted to bring some "old" normalcy into the boys lives. This party was the first time W had anything to do with her own relatives since March of last year (15 months of NC with them). This was MIL's idea, and she did most of the work, including the cooking.

MIL normally invites every relative imaginable and friends of her own. There's usually a lot of people. This time, MIL only invited W's 3 immediate cousins and her own 2 sisters. I didn't think W would invite anybody herself, but she invited several people. 3 Real Friends and 2 MLC Friends showed up.

Our backyard is pretty small. W spent the entire evening sitting on one side in a semi-circle surrounded by her own friends. All the members of her family sat on the opposite end of the backyard. Obviously, I was going to give W her space. I sat with her family. Her relatives were all friendly and chatty with me, as usual.

That everyone knows we're getting a D must be uncomfortable for W, but it's so nice that her relatives are treating me exactly the same. We talked about kids' back-to-school stuff and all the new Star Wars things going on. One relative even reached out to me personally to bring the boys with them to a Comic convention next year.

I don't think W said anything to her own relatives besides hello and goodbye. I don't know if this is MLC behavior of the MLCer cutting off ties with their past or not. W participated in leading singing Happy Birthday to S9 and S4, but that was it. When it came time to open birthday presents, MIL and I helped S9 and S4 open their gifts while W was somewhere else.

Work is getting busy. For some reason, all I'm noticing is certain female attention. I don't know if it's being in my 40s attracts different kinds of women, or if these women were always there but I never noticed them before because I was happily married and had no roving eye whatsoever.

A client came in to visit work last week. A woman from southern California in her mid 40s. She was attractive. Our conversations were strictly business and in a group setting, but we clicked right away. We were never alone and we never discussed anything personal, but it was all bedroom eyes. Whenever we were speaking directly to each other, every time one of us finished a sentence, we would still keep our eyes locked on one another for a few moments.

I haven't noticed anyone but my W looking at me in such a way since I-don't-know-when. It felt very weird - kind of exciting, but really weird! Ultimately, it was just validation for me. Evidence that I am not the beast W wants me to believe I am.

[OwnIt]

I have said this over and over again, but as a woman and a mother, I am stymied by these women who are so happy to fob their children on their spouses as much as they can. Perhaps that speaks to some bias I have against the male of the species, but as a woman and a mom I seriously do not get it. I could not imagine trying to get my H to take overnights with my kids, and that your kids are so young makes that even more difficult to believe.

I spent hours putting all my H's stuff that remained in the house in the garage for him to pick up. He showed up in a van instead of a truck. I offered to help him load multiple times and he refused my help. The next day he complained that as usual he had to do everything and S and I sat around doing nothing. Completely unbelievable. Yes, whether you do what they want or not, you are not doing enough and they are doing everything.

Be careful with the female attention. Get through the divorce and take some time to heal before jumping back in the saddle.

[Gordie]

Sad she is rejecting so much--family, husband, kids...she's running away from everything to find her happy in her new fantasy life...and your custody talk throws some cold water (reality) on to that fantasy. I think you need to mention the car too. At last she hasn't fully abandoned the kids but even if she does, you are stronger than you know. And hope you do get that good night's sleep.

[Brubeck]

Last week I got stuck at work very late. I was stuck in a meaningless meeting that didn't require my presence at all. I came home very angry at the time lost. Getting home, I see Real Friends #1 and #2 car parked in front of the house. I enter through the back door and stop in the dining room to say hello. They're all staring at their phones. Real Friends #1 and #2 raise their heads to say hello. W looks at me and doesn't say anything. I'm still upset. My face shows it. I want to give W her space. I grab my tablet and leave for the backyard to read an article or two.

W comes out about 5 minutes later. "Hey? What's going on?" She knows I'm pissed off about something. She sounds a little mad herself and like she's in a rush. "What's wrong?" I just tell her I'm tired, long day - because that's what it was. She goes off on another MLC rant. She projects that I'm upset about the D or something.

I guess it's the first time in a long while that she's seen me in any negative state of mind and needed to project something over it. She just starts rambling on and on, saying she's seeking an amicable D and that she's not out for blood. For a moment she almost sounds defensive - "I'm sorry, Brubeck! I'm sorry it turned out like this, but I need to move on with my life!" I just maintained eye contact, but I wonder if my angry look was turning to confusion, because that's how I felt. What the F is she talking about? She needed to project something, what it was I don't know.

Our bank account showed she used Uber for a $38 ride. That's the price it costs to go see OM. I'd seen a receipt in an old email. She never did this before - using the joint account to pay for that. I was f*&^king furious. I thought the PA part had died off, they still talk almost daily, and she complains to her MLC friends how OM runs hot and cold with her. I waited all day to say something about this, and I was expecting her to fight me about this. I didn't want a confrontation.

I waited until she was about to leave for the gym. I approached her and very calmly said "If you want to take a $40 taxi ride, you have to pay for that yourself. That is not part of our family's budget." I saw the look on her face instantly change to nervousness, and she quickly replied with "OK". I was shocked. I was totally shocked she didn't fight back about that. I guess she still feels some need to hide OM even though she's left behind a mountain of evidence on it.

She organized a labor day party. I don't know what prompted her or who she invited, but only 3 friends w/ kids showed up (2 of them MLC friends). They spent most of their time in the backyard. I stayed out of the way and kept indoors minding all the kids - 8 of them! She passed out really early that night - ain't much room for partying in depression.

Today was back to school. With my hours at the new job, I cannot take S9 to school in the morning anymore. W must do it now. S5 is now in kindergarten, so she's got to take him in the morning too. She was cranky as h&ll all morning! She was short tempered and irritated with S9 and S5 from the moment she woke them.

Waking up early and instantly taking to tasks has been the total opposite what she's been used to doing for the past 12 years (yep, that's right - spring time 2005 was the last time she had a full time job that required an early rise).

S5 saw I packed a protein bar for my lunch and asked if he and S9 could each take one to school. I agreed but didn't do it right away. I was putting my bicycle gear on when W walks by and asks "did you give them their protein bars?"

I said I forgot. She instantly gets nasty and asks "well, are you going to?"

I smile at her and say "I'll do it right now!"

Her scowl gets bigger, she walks away and says - "Sorry, Princess!"

I go to the kitchen, get the protein bars, and return to the front door where the boys are putting on their backpacks. I calmly say to W - "Don't call me names." She says "Don't act like it." I repeat my statement. She says - "Don't act like it! We can go back and forth like this all day!" I believe in STFU smoothies but I wasn't up for unnecessary name calling, especially since she was in the wrong - acting like a jerk all morning with the boys and then with me.

I put her aside and hug & kiss S5 and S9 goodbye. I smile and enthusiastically tell them to have a great day and how exciting it's going to be and how proud I am of them for reaching their new grades. I watch them leave from the front door. W is still fussy with them about they're not moving fast enough.

She did get a reaction out of me, what I'm sure she wanted. If she tries the sarcastic "Princess" line again, I will calmly tell her once more not to call me names. If she counters that, I'm just going to put on a bratty kid's voice and say "I know you are but what am I!" and walk away. I can STFU during her MLC rants, but I'm not putting up with name calling.

I am gloating here. I am being a jerk in my own mind. I am admitting to schadenfreude here. I took pleasure in seeing her frustration. This is what she wanted - to do this all by herself. I am this awful SOB who let her do whatever she wanted. Work whenever she wanted (or not work at all). I will STFU, but I enjoy seeing her taste the cold water she says she wants.

For all my gloating, I am still wrestling with moments of extreme rage. I think I'm past the anger stage in the LBS journey, but even I read elsewhere on another thread (CaliGuy?) that anger "flashes" still happen once in a while. I know the M is over. I know W is someone else now. I know I'll never have a R with her again. I've accepted that. There's just part of my ego that's still reacting to the A, to her neglect of the boys, and to the sheer financial destruction she's caused and continues to cause by listening to her incompetent, greedy L who's dragging out the D with meaningless paperwork.

That interaction this morning fueled me. I shaved 5 minutes off my morning ride to the office.

[Brubeck]

I am happy to read all your threads and see any type of change of behavior with your MLCer. I don't see any change in mine. I really think she's not going to move forward down the tunnel until I am gone.

There is nothing but hostility coming from her. I don't talk to her. I stay away. She wants to fight no matter what and I try to do everything I can to avoid that. She is perfectly comfortable going monster in front of the kids - screaming, swearing and name calling. Hey, if the kids don't jump quick enough to her demands for immediate housecleaning - they get a tiny little taste of monster too.

She's pretty much gone dark. She doesn't communicate about the kids anymore. What she likes to do is with hold information about them and then reveal something during an argument to make it seem like she's in the right because I didn't know about some activity pertaining to them. Great trick.

This was brought on by their school check ups. After feeding the boys nothing but candy since BD, S5 was taken in for his dental exam to find 7 cavities. Of course, the focus of this conversation was not that she'd been feeding the boys candy for over a year, but that I didn't have health insurance for the length of time I was unemployed. Now, we eventually got temporary coverage from the state of Illinois, but that took forever, and she did nothing to obtain the state coverage - I did all the work.

Our test rollout for our new client had a lot of mistakes and bruises along the way, but the fact that we acknowledged the mistakes, addressed them to the client immediately and itemized how we are going to overcome these mistakes really impressed them.

The client expanded their contract with us. We suddenly need an evening supervisor, which we don't have, so my boss told me I have to double as the evening supervisor until I find one to hire. Tall order here - 14 hour days for me. I just interpreted this as God's test on top of the D and navigating things at home.

Of course, knowing about my expanded work schedule p!ssed off W to to end. I acted surprised with her, saying she should be happy as a pig in slop. She doesn't have to see my face because I'm gone all day, she doesn't have to work, and she doesn't have to calculate a daily budget. This should be a great vacation for her not having me around.

Of course, she really does want me at home every night to go monster on if she needs to, or because she can just leave the house to the gym to or see MLC friends.

I really think she has no plan for this. She's just expecting the heavens to open up and feel a rush of joy when I am gone. What she experienced in the past week - having the boys all by herself - is closer to what life is going to resemble when I am gone. It's going to be even harder because she's going to have to work a full time job as well. Her personal time will shrink a whole lot.

In truth, my new work schedule is probably "cold water" (thanks Gordie) on her fantasy life.

All I see is ANGER followed by replay. She's shifts between anger and replay in a heartbeat. I suppose there are moments of depression, but I won't be able to see them. I really want to get away from her. She continues to accuse me of dragging out the D, but maybe that's just projection again. I remind her, I don't want to live like this with someone who's angry all the time and trying to turn everything into a fight. Even conversations regarding the children that are totally necessary are started by her with hostility.

I think it's just the MLCer, they don't want to talk to you, but they want to there to clean up any mess they don't like. They want you within arms reach to grab you firm by your shirt and kick at you over and over again while screaming "Get away from me!" Crazy train.

[marina7]

Brubeck,
Wow, I guess that is part of MLC I don't feel alone you described my W at first I was her target no matter what I did or look she was ready to gaslight me I honestly told W just kill me one night as W gave me the death look then her target became. My kids they would go to her new place she had them cleaning in there hands and knee which I tore her a new one I said to W you could treat me like crap but not them. Now am trying to figure out her only taking one child and only reason why is because he is very quiet and stays away from her I been trying to see how to get back financial I don't have no money.

Nice to see someone from Chicago....

[Brubeck]

So busy at work. Chaos. Getting my butt kicked in every direction. It's been 3 months at this company, but I've only spent an actual month working with the existing staff. 1st month they had nothing for me to do. 2nd month I interviewed and hired my staff. Only since September 6th have I been working alongside the existing team.

13 hour days. I live there. I get home at 11 PM, eat, spend a little time with S4, who won't go to sleep without me, and lights out at midnight. Up at 6 AM, do it all over again. 3 weeks of this. The VP approved my candidate for PM supervisor. She's begun training but will not switch to nights for another few weeks.

I suppose they're putting me to the test because I am making tiny mistakes left and right on a daily basis. I know there's great disorganization within the company. The VP is instructing me to continue interviewing applicants with the intention of staff expansion. At the same time, the Operations Director is telling me I'm overstaffed and I should feel free to fire anyone who's under performing. Confusing.

The Operations Director complained that in 7 years he has never been to so many meetings, at one point they were averaging once a day. He wants to start boycotting them! The supervisors have said they are unaccustomed to dealing with a project with so many rules. It's crazy all over, but they know the software and the procedures in place. I'm the new guy. I know nothing, and the trouble of that is that you don't know what you don't know. I can tell that management in general is running 150 miles per hour. Nonetheless, it doesn't make me feel better that I'm screwing up so much.

We have signed off on the custody arrangements. I will get the boys every other weekend and Tuesday and Thursday nights. STBXW also caved in on the tax return she stole, her lawyer put the money into an escrow account and I agreed to drop the order against her, but it took forever. My lawyer offered me the option to go after her to pay for my court fees related to her theft since the judge found her in contempt, but of course I wasn't going to bother. I'm not dragging this out.

STBXW gaslighted me throughout the whole process, saying the reply from my L was that I wasn't returning any calls. I know her L is awful at correspondence, but STBXW came at me with such anger and accusations that for the moment I believed her. I thought my lawyer was lying to me. I don't know day from night sometimes. I still want to believe her, that she wouldn't really be this stealing, cheating liar she's become. I guess there's some part of me still hard-wired to the old W.

Negotiations are set to begin for marital settlement. As usual, her L doesn't return any phone calls until many days later.

I realize I am more messed up from my M failing than I realize. I put 19 years of everything into my M. I did a lousy job some days, but I never took a day off of being M. I never complained about what fatherhood required of me. I have no confidence now. I feel like my emotional barometer is totally out of sync. I understand MLC and how I'm being gaslighted by my STBXW, but it's still rough dealing with this. I don't trust myself at all.

STBXW has gone totally dark. I applied for health insurance through my work. I printed out the 3 different plans and asked her to pick one that she likes best for the kids. She ignored it. I asked her again and she replied by text - "what's the point? The D is almost final. Won't they be back on public aid? I know I will."

I replied that my new income level will invalidate the state insurance and everybody in the family needs it. No reply. She won't coordinate with me on our kids health insurance. Maybe it's the depression part of MLC - they don't want to make decisions.

One morning I was showering and S4 started knocking on the door. Knocking and whining. Silence. Then STBXW starts banging on the door loudly. I open the door and she starts screaming "S4 got out into the backyard in his diaper because you didn't open the door!" I explain I'm standing in the shower with soap in my eyes, and asked she why she ignored S4 while he was crying in the doorway? Her reply was because he was looking for me.

I asked - does that mean it's my fault he decided to run outside? Yes! was her answer, skipping over the fact that she knew I was in the shower. She was ignoring his crying in the hallway. I snapped, and I told her - without raising my voice - that it wasn't my fault and that she was acting nuts. She exploded - "Yes it is your fault! It's your fault, you f%$king idiot!" Screaming this in the hallway at 6 AM with the other two boys still sleeping. I just want to get out of here.

She can't wait for this D. She re-decorated the house for Halloween, and while she did that, she took down my 3 guitars hanging on the walls and placed them in the attic next to my other guitars. I didn't say anything, I know she's looking for a fight.

[Gordie]

Brubeck,

I feel for you buddy. You are not alone. Work sounds nuts but focusing there can be a good distraction and provide some much needed fulfillment and sense of accomplishment. Tiny mistakes in a new job? Yeah, that’s gonna happen. Own up to them and fix them. Don’t cover them up or ignore them.

Good news that you got what you wanted re custody and the tax return. My concern on the custody is the daily change in custody Monday to Friday, but maybe that’s what you thought was best. Sounds like a lot of transitions to me.

Re gaslighting and the financial negotiation. It’s emotionally exhausting. I’m trying to take the advice of folks here to treat it like a business deal. Take all of the emotion out of it, as much as possible.

Calling you a effing idiot in front of the kids? That’s not acceptable to me. Say, I won’t let you speak to me that way and then walk away.

My stbx is also redecorating. Ignore it. If you are going to be moving out, then maybe start packing up your stuff so she doesn’t damage it.

[Gordie]

How are you doing?

[Brubeck]

Gordie -

Thank you for asking about me. I am following your sitch, and your ride is definitely getting rougher. I feel for you. Your W is going in the direction my STBXW took only 3 months after BD. It's painful to watch them do this as it is bewildering - to see them turn into another person, into the opposite of who they used to be.

STBXW behaves as if I don't exist in the house. She hasn't spewed in a couple of weeks. I wonder if this was something she decided for herself, or if a friend counseled her to do this. Just act as if he's not even there.

She has no problem taking advantage of my presence and disappearing whenever I'm home. She will leave without a moment's notice. She grabs her purse and walks out the door for the evening or the entire day without a word to anyone. She doesn't say goodbye to the kids unless they catch her leaving and they say goodbye first.

She's still really grouchy with S9 and S5 when getting them ready for school. I try to re-enforce her routine without all the swearing & grinding teeth they get from her. I try to get them ready for school in a calm manner. She ignores me the entire time. She's also getting angrier that the boys have a natural inclination to play instead of searching for things to clean up.

S9 got his first progress report for the school year. He's on course to fail math and social sciences for this quarter. He simply stopped bringing home his homework for these 2 courses. STBXW never noticed. She shared the news the next morning, and then lectured S9 about his grades. She sounded exhausted the entire time, but went on and on nonetheless. She ended by saying "If you don't turn this around, you'll repeat 4th grade. One way or the other, it doesn't make a difference to me."

I had a separate talk with S9 a couple of days later. I was enthusiastic and told him how important it was to do his homework every day and that I would help him remember once my work schedule changed and I wasn't doing double shifts anymore. Luckily, my crazy work schedule ends this week. My new supervisor will complete her training and switch to nights. I'll be back home in the evening again.

A couple of days later, she was getting the boys ready for school. Apparently, there was a big math test that day, and with the same tired, indifferent voice, she said "today's your big math test, S9. I hope you studied, it's up to you."

Sometimes she's affectionate with the boys, but it's usually when she's about to go somewhere or after she's come from the gym. I wonder if this confuses them. If she spewed all the time, at least they'd know that's all to expect. When she pops out of the tunnel to tell them "mommy loves you so much", does this throw them off? I stay out of it. Her relationship with them is hers to fix.

For years she shared stories about how awful her mother was. Running off every Friday and Saturday night for dates, telling her to go to a friend's house to eat dinner because there was no food in the house anyway. Now, she has replicated a few of these behaviors herself. I've even overheard her telling someone over the phone how "tough" she was, how her mom "demanded respect" no matter what. Her previous opinion of her was a drunken bully, and a few relatives have said the same thing.

I came home early last Friday, and the moment I got there S9 started talking excitedly about some train set he built with Legos. He and S5 were showing me things they'd built and were talking over each other to show me. I don't know how much conversation or enthusiasm they get from her.

That night I was behind on errands and told the boys I was stopping at a couple of stores. They BEGGED me to come with. I took them along and as soon as we hit the stores, they started playing tag in the aisles and were sliding across the floor on their knees.

After going to 2 stores, I told the boys I was done. They asked if we could go to any other store. S5 asked me "don't you have something else to buy?" He's full of funny questions. I realized they just wanted to be outside and run around. I told them we should get home right away so we can go to the park. They were bouncing off the walls when I said that. I haven't taken them to the park much since I started doing double shifts last month. I spent a big part of the weekend at the park. It was cold and no one was there, but the boys were happy just to be outside & run around.