Thanks for your replys and questions Sandi it helps me greatly.
With work being very hectic these days for both myself and W. Our contact person to person has been limited. My W has been texting me more and we talk by phone usually once a day mostly updates about kids. We met up yesterday for my sons game talked and just had fun together. Later on in the evening we meet again it wasn't planned we start talking about the day and the kids i mention im hungry my W looks at me and says were shoild we go.
We spend just over an hour at the Bar no R talk just light conversation with lots of smiles and laughs. I bring the evening to an end by letting her know i still have some things to get. I know this is MIND READING but she seemed sad that our evening was coming to an end.
So in the parking lot we sit in the car together for a few minutes holding hands and again just light talk about our schedules my w looks at me as im about to exit car and says lets keep doing what we are doing i just get overwelmed sometimes...
All i could say was i understand and thank you for sharing this with me...
I will mention this also in last couple weeks my W has been bringing me treats or calling and asking me if i want coffee and when at Sons events
These are all actions that i have not seen in months..
I keep reminding myself slow and steady wins the race....
I can see why it would be difficult not to allow your hopes to soar. Maybe it is a baby step for her. Just please, do not push her. It's very important that you let her take the time she needs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My w continues to involve herself in family activities even with extended family. The amount of time she spends with us is growing and she asks questions about my day and shows interest in planning outing and other activities.
One small bump my daughter is being very distant with me and her mother. My w seen an interaction between me and daughter, she was as rude and said some things that are not easy to put to the page. Without loosing my temper I looked at my daughter and said that over the last several months I have been trying to make positive changes for myself and the family and you as a young person also need to reflect on how you treat people.
Daughter stormed off and w and I just waved good bye to each other. Later that day w texted me trying to take blame for the situation.
I texted back that we need to look at it like a work in progress. Where both of us continue to work on ourselves and by doing this the family will benefit. W texted back in a very positive way.
Now my Question??
What else can I do?
I so badly want to take her into my arms and pull a Cary Grant move (yes watched them with my mother growing up he had all the right moves when it came to the ladies)
Now that a Cary Grant reference as crossed my mind time to leave and watch something with explosives and gunshots
DB'ing is all about baby steps. You are seeing some nice baby steps. So keep doing what you're doing! Remember the squirrel analogy. If you want to feed a squirrel you have to hold the nut out towards it and then hold perfectly still. It will move towards you slowly, but sometimes run away for no reason. Then it'll move towards you again, but as it gets closer if you try to close the distance it'll bolt again. Each time, the process starts all over again. But if you stay still and patient, and let it keep approaching, eventually it will reach you. So keep doing what you're doing and dig down into your well of patience! Any sudden moves like that Cary Grant thing are going to send her running. It doesn't work like the movies.
No worries on the Cary Grant moves. Slow and stead is my go to I repeat it under my breath anytime I feel like going 0-60...
Just happy to be able to put forward some positive steps in my M.
Also happy with my positive changes. It is nice when your family sees and comments on not only physical changes but also personality as well. Even people at work have commented on my changes and the fact that I seem to be taking things and dealing with problems in a more positive way. I was know as a guy that would push and not let up on something until it was dealt with. Sometimes at the expense of my family and those I work with.
So talked with my coach first time in three months. Just a quick thanks again to those that post to my thread and to Chuck from MWD coaching.
So I keep seeing small improvements with the w and I. I have noticed that my Mil has started to actively show her disapproval mostly by trying to interrupt moments my w and I have and also posting relationship memes to my kids time lines. I quit following her because I found it like snooping I started to check daily to see what she was posting.
So Chuck my coach mentioned this could be a good thing because the W continue’s to come forward in the R and a cost can be associated with it. An example her R with Mother and others in her support Network. If the W has to put effort and “cost” be it emotional and a change with others many times the reconciliation and marriage is better in the long run.
This has given me a lot to think on...
Question?
So even though w is not receiving positive feed back and continues to have more contact with me and the kids. Do I continue the same or try and include Mil in One of our sit down meal family activities right now she attends sporting events with my wife to watch son.
The way I see it, she's going to be in your life for the rest of your life (well, her life, really), no matter what happens between you and W. You might as well try to do what you can to improve your relationship with her. It might have the side benefit of reducing the negative feedback.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
The w and I are spending more and more time with each other. The smiles are coming more often. We have started to date I guess... we are trying to talk daily and really listen to each other.
My job takes back seat to my family now. Surprise surprise you can do well at work and put your family first.
I made what I though was a mistake but judging by my W reaction I don’t know. Was shopping for some clothes for my self waste measurement has gone down 6’. Near end of day stopped and purchased a gift for my w. On one of our quick coffee dates I gave it to her. At first she looked sad when she excepted it but did give me a hug and a thank you. A couple days later she is wearing it and even telling people who got it for her.
Hopefully we continue to move in the right direction very concerned with time of year and just how much I try to have her included in planned family functions.
We continue to move forward. We are now talking daily by phone. My W seems to be happier and I notice her at times watching me I think I surprise her with the changes I have made and the life I live without her at home.
We had a lunch date and for the first time had a R talk. Things started to be more negative then was good for either of us. I looked at her and asked if she felt I was being honest to her she got emotional and said I don’t know.
During our 25+ years of marriage we have over come some very hard and sad situations. I reminded her of this and then proceeded to tell her that I know that with out a doubt we could have a life without each other. I continue by letting her know my choice to stand and fight for our marriage was my choice. It is not a matter of winning or showing you I’m right. I’m here with you because I want to be and it is your choice to be out of our home and I will support you where I can as long as we are honest to one another.
Fortunately we were able to change the subject and continued with our date. We talked about upcoming family activities and she even mentioned our spring vacation plans. We said our goodbyes well seated in the car I do not tell her ILY but usually let her know she is in my thoughts. She looked at me and said she thinks about me also. As she walked around the car I was opening her door for her instead of getting into the car she embraced me and there we stood for what seem to me for a long... time she backed up said thank you got in the car and drove away.
The last few days our conversations start by her says (Do you think, I would like too, This would be fun,). She is being so positive it scares me. We are going on 4 days in a row hanging out together and only once has it been my idea. I have GAL plans tonight hockey game with friends my W called asking if I wanted to meet up for a drink I let her know I had plans but thanked her for invite. She told me to have a good time drink a beer for her and that she would call me later. I know I should continue status quo but can’t help but ask....
