I suggest you set up an appointment for you and the kids to see a family therapist
I agree with Sandi, but be very careful on whom you pick.
Your kids are at an age where they have a real good picture of what's going on. I was 16 when my parents divorce was final, and although this was the 1980s, the "therapy" didn't provide a lot of value to me at the time. Their therapist was a kook, and we saw right through that. Your kids will too.
Plus, you and W need to be really clear on what the objective is, leaving personal agendas aside...which is really challenging considering you want a different outcome. I know it would be very hard for me to do family therapy when I see very clearly who in the family has a drive to preserve things (me and kids) and who wants out (W).
Son is seeing a councillor seems to be doing him some good. The w has been in contact regularly by phone with the kids. After i lost my temper with her she has tried to have contact with me everyday i went 4 days with no contact she would send good night and have a good day messages through the kids.
She called today and had my son pass me the phone this is the jist of the conversation.
Her: Im trying to work on things but i need time. Me: i understand its good to have a handle on things. Her: i need your support. Me: you do get my supportt. Her Do i Me: please share with me what you concider support. Her: You could check on me or ask me how my day is going. Me: Thank you for sharing your concerns. If we can talk and be respectful of each other i would be more then willing to check on you from time to time. Her: Im trying i do want to come home. Me i appreciate your efforts but nothing should be rushed and at no time should we forget the feelings of the kids in all this.
Her: i know im a terrible mother... Me: At no time have i said that or implied it we and i mean we have to be careful not to forget young adults are involved..
Her: im trying... Me: Dont give up on yourself or the family.
Her: Thank you Me: Have a good day..
She continued to talk with my son finished convo with him saying that she is trying and that she loves him.
She is on a roll today multiple text about her day has asked if it is alright to come over and spend evening with us. My son let her know we are going to be home tonight watching a movie. She is now texting asking if she can bring something or if i would like her to make something.
I almost feel like i should make plans and not be home tonight. Im confused ...
I limit my contact with her for 4 days and she makes out that im not supportive. She left she was the one empty inside and for the most part she thought it was my fault!!
How goes the GAL's? Start anything besides biking?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Glad to hear you're talking to a DB coach, they can help you navigate these convos with your W. I think you're doing OK but you really need to brush up on validation. Let's break down your convo with her:
Originally Posted By: Nrthman
Her: i need your support. Me: you do get my supportt. Her Do i
Clearly she doesn't think she's getting the kind of support she wants. So take that to heart and try and improve on it.
Quote:
Me: please share with me what you concider support. Her: You could check on me or ask me how my day is going. Me: Thank you for sharing your concerns. If we can talk and be respectful of each other i would be more then willing to check on you from time to time.
That's not a bad response, but she's asking you to help and you are attaching requirements to it. Why? What is wrong with what she is asking? And your implication is that she is being disrespectful. Remember, when it comes to validation it is ALL about her, not you. This is the time to fulfill HER needs. Yours come later after you get hers sorted out.
Quote:
Her: Im trying i do want to come home. Me i appreciate your efforts but nothing should be rushed and at no time should we forget the feelings of the kids in all this.
There it is again that "but". There's a saying, "but" renders everything said before it null and void. When you say "I appreciate your efforts, but..." you're basically saying "your efforts don't matter because of XYZ." A validating response would be "I appreciate your efforts, I am sure this is very difficult and frustrating for you and I will try to support you better in the future."
Quote:
Her: i know im a terrible mother... Me: At no time have i said that or implied it we and i mean we have to be careful not to forget young adults are involved..
Validating is NOT disagreeing with her. She is expressing FEELINGS, you need to VALIDATE them, not disagree with them or tell her she's wrong. A validating response would be "I am sorry you feel you're a terrible mother, that must be frustrating, is that how you feel?"
Quote:
Her: im trying... Me: Dont give up on yourself or the family.
This is maybe your worst response and a terrible note to end the conversation on. It sounds almost like you're expecting her to fail and -warning- her about it. Validating response- "I can see you are trying very hard and I want you to know how much I appreciate it. I'm sure this is very difficult for you, I want you to know I am here for you and please, feel free to let me know if you want to talk again." She needs your support now more than ever and is practically begging you for it. GIVE IT TO HER. Right now you need to be a DIFFERENT you, not the same old dismissive H that she wanted to leave in the first place. Work on being different. What would appeal to her about an OM right now? Someone that listens, validates, is sensitive to what she is going through and what emotional support she needs. YOU NEED TO BE THAT OM!!!
Quote:
She is on a roll today multiple text about her day has asked if it is alright to come over and spend evening with us. My son let her know we are going to be home tonight watching a movie. She is now texting asking if she can bring something or if i would like her to make something.
I almost feel like i should make plans and not be home tonight. Im confused ...
Why? Sounds like a good opportunity to show her what she's missing. Invite her over, ask her to make something to bring along, and when she comes over show her the new and improved you.
Quote:
I limit my contact with her for 4 days and she makes out that im not supportive. She left she was the one empty inside and for the most part she thought it was my fault!!
Thank you AS for the break down of my conversation with the W. I thought i was on the same page when it came to validation turns out im not even in the same book....
Oh well something to work on...
So now a small update..
W has stayed in contact everyday if we dont see her in person there is a phone call in the evening. We went for a drive as a couple a few days ago everything was easy going then i could tell she was getting anxious i stop the car and asked if she was all right...she waas quiet for a long time then said ...things are so different...
I asked her if it was a good thing she hesitated then said yes. We have 3 family planned outings that the w seems very excited about.
The kids are away this week end and the w asked me out for a early evening dinner with a hint at some plan for after.
