Alone and Confused (Not so Angry) 2

[Nrthman]

So contact continues on a daily bases. The w is opening up talking more and even brings up some happy memories. She did have issues at work on friday and shut down for a few hours in fhe evening but her mood passed fast compared to a few months ago.

I find that if we (kids and I) have plans the w will actually show some interest. Last night she actually put forward a small activity that kids and i agreed to do with her.

Im trying tokeep busy with home improvement projects and road tours on the bike this weekend.

So with this increase in contact we are talking alot more mostly about work. W has started walking for exercise and has ask if i would like to jion her sometimes.

The hot and cold from her has me confused but i do see signs of improvement. Still sleeps alot 10-14 hrs a day.

Was late for church today and was going to lay down right after. Said she would call tonight wants to make plans for tomorrow. I let her know i have plans said she could join me.

So suggestions please what do i do going forward??

[Nrthman]

Been reading alot about retrouville my w is against counciling how could i table this as a different approach?

I just worry all this contact is for kids only my w is very faith driven also so guilt maybe playing a factor..

[Nrthman]

Hmmm so went to lunch with w today. We met at the diner. Last couple days i have been overthinking and trying to mindread in a big way so my mood wsnt very good.


She noticed and asked what was wrong. I vented told her both me and the kids were trying to help her and i felt she was being selfish. Going in and out of our lives almost cake eating.

I brought up that even she realizes some issues are not going to be dealt with by her alone that she needs professional help be it a doctor or some one to help with the emotional stuff going on.

I also stated that i was and still am shouldering my part in all this but i refuse to take all the blame for it.

We had our lunch just small talk mostly about kids and work. As we were leavinv my w looked at me thanked me for being a good dad and H. She went on to say the daily contact was moving us in right direction. She started to cry and asked for more time to get things worked out.

I responded with:

It was never me that wanted this, i have been supportive but there are limits...l need to protect myself emotionally too

She started to cry and again said Thank you for being who you are. I thanked her for having lunch with me and our talk and proceeded to my car.

She walked to my car embraced me. Said enjoy the rest of my day and asked well holding me to please keep up with our daily talks.

I left and went to pick up a few things as im driving towards home to drop off my purchases and switch over to my bike i notice that the w is still in parking area of diner approx an hour since i said good bye to her. I do not stop..

I waited about 2 more hours and texted her a thank you for having lunch with me. She texted back right away and thanked me also. She texted see you tomorrow evening, i dont no of any plans we have but did not respond to that part of message. Texted have agood night.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IM DOING THIS ALL WRONG?

Over and over again i see in other threads trust your gut? Well my gut tells me something bad is going to happen and my DBing is less then ideal...

Weekends kill me during the week i never get this worked up...

Sorry for any typos im on my phone. Time to find a road with some curves notbing like going 100 on a bike to clear your head...

[woundedfool]

Over and over again i see in other threads trust your gut? Well my gut tells me something bad is going to happen and my DBing is less then ideal...

While it's not a black or white rule...

DB'ing doesn't really advocate trusting your gut. In fact is more about shutting your brain off and doing things counter to what your head or gut say.

For example:

Stop scheduling dates/lunches!

Stop having R talks!

Stop mind reading!

Stop overthinking!

Start GAL'ing.... if your mind is racing on the weekend, it means you need more GAL's.

[Nrthman]

So completely on board with you about the mind reading and overthinking. Definitly need more GAL activities.

With me being checked out of marriage until late last year wouldn't be concidered a 180 for me to do things with my kids and W.

The w knows that if we invite her and she refuses it doesn't change our plans. And on a couple of the outing she invited herself. Both times that it was the two of us it was a face to face invite and W was very excited about the outing. It just seems to overwelm her part way through.

She wants to complain about herself as a mother, what happens at work, i just listen and validate.

With the school year starting im busy with the kids. My S is showing a lot of stress and anger. I am encouraging him to talk with his Mom and let her know how he feels. Both kids are still very surprised we are separated and the amount of time that has passed.

They are building a good relationship with me but as this continues i see a gap opening between them and there Mom at times then they seem to reconnect. It,s like the w is unsure of them as well. Sorry mindreading again....

So how do i show im checked back in to the family without seeming needy or pushy to the W??

[woundedfool]

So how do i show im checked back in to the family without seeming needy or pushy to the W??

You show by demonstrating and consistent actions.

Do not point it out or draw attention to it, because she will notice it.

[Nrthman]

Small update

We have been in contact by phone everyday. Wife started to act wierd yesterday pulling back from my son.

This morning she refused contaact from him. I reached out with a good morning text it was ignored.

She has know gone dark phone is off and the one text son got was im busy and then i have plans.

I understand her moods with me but this up and down with the kids is getting to me.

My son has lots of pressure with school he is a being watched by multipe universities sports related. And this is definitly getting to him.

He worries im going to give up. He thinks we can fix this. He is quick to blame him self if mom starts to get mad. I see a lot of me in him he wants to be a Mr Fix it.

Mr Fix it is at a loss on how to deal with this....

[Nrthman]

How do you guys and ladies stay in this half in half out of M limbo for the amounts of time i see on here.

Even with GAL everytime another month passes i feel like im back at step one of this... yes i have seen major improvements but

I dont know....

I feel like every good thing i have done in my marriage in the last 25 years means nothing.

[joejoe1]

Does all the good things mean something to you? If it does that should be all that matters right now. Your WW won't acknowledge none of your goods and positive aspects until she's out of her fog. Keep moving forward and becoming the best you possible.

[Nrthman]

Yes they do joejoe1. Just a bad night i guess. I can handle the w and her moods just watching my son working through this today has been tough. I certainly wouldn't want to be the kids on the team my son plays this week!!