So my wife accused me of joining dating sites and meeting up with women well on business trips. I believe this goes back to the fact she found history of porn site on computer and a dating site link would come on the screen.
Just saying this for perspective, but if I was her, in that circumstance, It would have created some doubt in my mind as well. So when you are accused of it, or if its replayed again. Try validating from her perspective. Think: "I now understand how that made you feel"
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So to make things clear my wife is a very good looking women im am average guy that traded upmwhen it comes to my wife. Although the DB diet has been very good to me down 82 lbs since January. So wasn't so average when it came to weight. I compare us to the actors in King of Queens.
Sorry for the armchair psychology: How do you feel about your own self image? I ask because of the above traded up/average line as well as, when I gave you the 180 speedo idea, you totally brushed it off in a humorous way (I detect a defense kicking in)?
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My GAL activities mostly road trips on my bike some last minute shopping for school. Have even benn working out because lets face it when you lose 80 plus pounds that starts making you feel good about yourself.
Good on GAL's but keep expanding your horizons.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
So my wife accused me of joining dating sites and meeting up with women well on business trips. I believe this goes back to the fact she found history of porn site on computer and a dating site link would come on the screen.
Just saying this for perspective, but if I was her, in that circumstance, It would have created some doubt in my mind as well. So when you are accused of it, or if its replayed again. Try validating from her perspective. Think: "I now understand how that made you feel" [/color] yes your right to many times I have just said "you know I wouldn't do That " or something similar
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So to make things clear my wife is a very good looking women im am average guy that traded upmwhen it comes to my wife. Although the DB diet has been very good to me down 82 lbs since January. So wasn't so average when it came to weight. I compare us to the actors in King of Queens.
Sorry for the armchair psychology: How do you feel about your own self image? I ask because of the above traded up/average line as well as, when I gave you the 180 speedo idea, you totally brushed it off in a humorous way (I detect a defense kicking in)?
[color:#33CCFF]. I keep bring up 5 years ago at that time even though Job was improving my self Esteem was very low. Was always a big guy football/rugby build. In shape Just always carried extra weight. The w was the quiet girl next door type. I Am proud of what I have accomplished in the last 3 years to get back from n track and the trade up comment I believe goes back to the fact I have always been very proud of my wife and family. Speedo comment did make me laugh. I'm just a quiet country boy that prefers cut offs.
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My GAL activities mostly road trips on my bike some last minute shopping for school. Have even benn working out because lets face it when you lose 80 plus pounds that starts making you feel good about yourself.
i have always been very confident in my abilities at work and when it came to projects at home or for family. with my advancement at work a few years back i started to question everything. i would come home see my front door and wonder why i even tried. Weight gain and the shutting out my family for a time has a times now made me second quess why my wife was ever with me and if my family wanted me around. She really stood by me and kept the kids and household going the only thing i kept afloat at that time was work..
So that is some history. A small chapter that i will use to better my self going forward. In the last two years i have built a great relationship with my kids and although i at first was trying to fix there relationship with W they seem to be doing fine without Mr Fix it...
So enough about me my next post will be about the situation.
So enough about me my next post will be about the situation.
No! More about you! Self reflection and assessment is a great thing.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
So since our outing on Saturday the W has reached every day by phone no R talk just talking about the days activities and some of the thinks the kids are up to.
We seem to be moving forward in small steps. the w also is planning and doing more with the kids. she is planning a family dinner i think sometimes she is testing herself.
i quickly thank people for there advise. I truly think if i hadn't heeded SOME of the advise by the people on this site i would be in a lot darker placed right now...
I still make stupid mistakes but god the number i could have made if i had not been on here reading.
The kids and l continue to stay busy the w will sometimes ask to join us. We do not adjust our plans for her if she wants to be involved she has to make adjustments in her schedule.
Ive noticed when she calls mostly just to talk about her day and work now that i just listen and dont offer advise or a sure fire fix for the propblem. I just validate... she has began to ask me question about my day and how work is going..
We even are joking aroud a bit. I still see the extreme mood swings
One minute she can be very upbeat and engaged with family the and the next she will be curled up in the corner of the sofa looking drained and exhausted.
GAL activities this weekend. 1. More touring on my bike 2. A day with the kids shopping, Movie and dinner and if w comes so be it. If not plans wont change. 3. Afternoon of fishing/visiting with long time friends.
So not really detached but i beleive for the most part interactions are more on my terms. And smiles and Thank yous have become part of it instead of huffs and hissing thru teeth!!
Time to update some of my clothing also had a lady i work with tell me it was about time to start showing off the new me.
And no Woundedfool that does not mean a new speedo is on order!
IMHO, your W is placing responsibility on some thing or some person to be in charge of making her happy. To seek medical help, get therapy, and involve herself in healthy activities/people would be taking responsibility for herself.........and she isn't doing it.
With the same token, she wants to find a target to put all the blame for her unhappiness and feeling dead. If her personal world was larger, she might have more things/people to blame. However, in this situation, you seem to be her target.
I don't discourage anyone from making self improvements. However, I can't honestly say your improvements will bring your W around. She has to turn lose of the resentment for past offenses, along with her disillusion ideas about M. She has to be responsible for her own happiness. Until then, you could be nearly perfect and it would not change her mindset.
I tell you this b/c I feel sorry for guys I see working so hard to change, thinking it will get back the W. Whether they admit it or not, I believe that's the real intent for their changes..at least, initially. So, go ahead and improve, but don't think that's going to change her.
Women tend to be very touchy about their H bringing up the subject of hormones. Especially if he has made references in past times to her periods or "being hormonal". Also, some women are touchy about the suggestion of getting close to menopause. Therefore, it places the man in a tough spot. She would probably accept it much better from another woman. Does she have family she'll listen to? Any close female friends?
Medical science has made such strides in helping women balance hormones, it's a pity for anyone to suffer what she may be experiencing. Becoming more educated is often the ticket that gets them on a healthier path.
The excessive amount of time she spends sleeping or staying in bed, is a valid concern. She may have no motivation to get up, has nothing to look forward to in the new day, and sleeping could be more comfortable than having the dead/numb feelings. Does anyone check on her every day?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My w was very social she started to pull away from almost everyone last year.
Yes i would be lying if i said all improvements were for me alone. At first it was i beleive just a stress reaction now it truly makes me feel good with yes a side hope that the w will notice...
She has started to approach some of her friends. I did mention she was doing more with the kids also.
It has been a few weeks since she has shown any anger directly at me she just seems confused in general. At this time i dont know anyone that could talk with her. My MIL is not in contact with me the last think said to me was w is fine physically she is just emotional broke and it was my fault. Im mind reading here but i think the MIL loves the fact she has her daughter back!!
The W works full time. The kids have contact daily. And because of the increased contact between the two of us most days we have a conversation about the days activities.
She has mention before that she feels depressed she just will not take the next step to seek help
Yes i would be lying if i said all improvements were for me alone. At first it was i beleive just a stress reaction now it truly makes me feel good with yes a side hope that the w will notice...
Well, I think it's safe to say she probably notices. However, that doesn't guarantee a response. And in some cases, the W resents the fact that her H waited until she was "done", before he woke up and decided to change. There again is reason he needs to make his improvements for himself, his family, and his future.
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She has started to approach some of her friends. I did mention she was doing more with the kids also.
Okay, good.
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It has been a few weeks since she has shown any anger directly at me she just seems confused in general.
Confused about her feelings, or about what she wants to do at this point?
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She has mention before that she feels depressed she just will not take the next step to seek help
Well, you can't make an adult do something they want to do..........unless she appears to be suicidal.
I did not know she held down a job. Maybe she's not sleeping as much as I misinterpreted. Does she like her job, get along with co-workers, or just generally a blah attitude?
How is your GAL coming along?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The w says she is not at the point were she can move forward with our relationship. She mentioned that on our outing that i set in motion. You warned me Sandi2!!
She does want to talk regilarly to improve communication between the too of us.
She is all over the map when it comes to her job some days it is great and then she may go weeks hating it. I was Mr fix it offering suggestions or i would say leave the issues at work now i listen and encourage her by reminding her of the quality of work she does. She has a couple co-workers she considers friends. She is not full time so hrs change from day to day. She has a hard time getting to work on time she will sleep on her lunch if working the full day and will be in bed early or if she is visiting us will fall asleep on sofa multiple times. Weekends will stay in bed late.
To compare a picture from last year and now my wife looks really tired. I mention a few post ago that my wife was the girl next door type she always looked after herself this is not the case right now How do i put this she is almost grubby in appearance.
My Gal is going great. Have connected with some old friends. My son and i have a regular night out movies and dinner.
A couple nights a week the family including the w sit down for a home cooked meal and family time after usually TV or sometimes a game.
Question
Do you think the w is only taking part in these evening because of the kids?
I ask that question knowing im mind reading but if she didnt want to have me in her life she could arrange evenings with kids without me.
