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Nrthman Offline OP
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So for a quick recap




Starting 6th month of seperation.
W has been making small steps with the kids and me.
She still says she is empty inside and nothing brings her much Joy.

No more talk of devorce or blaming me for everything. What worries me is she seems to be shouldering a lot of blame on herself now.

Im continuing with GAL but i miss her like crazy..

Question

How do you link first thread?


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Sandi

So definitly to soon on the one on one activities. My W said she enjoyed our outing but...

She still is not talking or seeking any help. She mentions depression but will not make any moves toward help.

With w wanting to be part of family activities and there being no outward signs of her deceloping other relationships. I say this because she seems to be spending a great amount of her time alone sleeping long hours or just alone sitting reading.

Question is how much do i detach?

Do i continue to do family activities and play it cool when she leaves?

Or do i tell her you wanted to seperate from me and it seems the kids so stay away until you can figure out what the issue is!!

W does tell the kids and me she feels we are moving in the right direction but when question get pointed she gos quiet and just says I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL,


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Can't seem to let the last convsrsation with w go. She recognizes that she is spending to much time alone and is empty inside but thinks she will work through it.

I dont seem to be the total resson for all her issues anymore but she does still have a big trust issue.

The problem is the things im being accused of are not true. We always had a very open and truthful relationship now she looks at everything like its a lie.

I know i need to get distance but i feel like i also need to stick up for myself and set the record straight.

I did come clean about anything i though would be a cause for troubles in our marriage and have continued to improve my relationship with kids and of course GAL.

So if someone leaves but does not proceed past moving out. Still has very little clothes. Works but no social life to speak of continues with family activities and but thinks kids dont want to be around her and second guesses everything.

I guess my question is what do i have a WAW, WW or MLC?

And how do i proceed i know with all my heart she needs help!!!!


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Question

With my w being depressed or maybe a hormonal issue. Is the dreaded friend zone an issue?

With us having contact multiple times a week I don it have the time to
Make her miss me but she is seeing changes be it around me the house myself personally and even the kids.

Starting to spin again so overthinking it right now. Time to sit down and read DR again.


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When I mention depression and hormonal issues I list them after our marriage issues

The fact that I myself checked out of marriage for a time. My porn viewing during that time something I do not do anymore. Our arguments which literally can be counted and discussed in depth!!!

I know I screwed up but at know point have we discussed getting help for
The marriage it just seems so weird. A switch was flipped my wife shut down and my marriage along with it.

My kids feel left behind also, my son seems to
Be dealing better then my daughter the both are helping me and we have had long talks. I even offered to leave and have there mom come home.

Both my kids hugged me at that point and I quote. "No dad your doing the right thing we just need to help Mom get better".

Right now that is the only reason I'm even able to move forward everyday..

Did I say I'm not the type of guy who shares the fact I'm typing this surprise me. Time
To GAL


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Originally Posted By: Nrthman
Question is how much do i detach?


Fully and completely. I can't seem to find that old livestrong link on detachment. Can anyone post it?

Quote:
Do i continue to do family activities and play it cool when she leaves?

You should not base your family activities on if she is or isn't there, or when she does or doesn't leave.

Quote:
W does tell the kids and me she feels we are moving in the right direction but when question get pointed she gos quiet and just says I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL,


Then stop questioning her, that is turning the screws and creating more pressure on her.

Originally Posted By: Nrthman
Can't seem to let the last convsrsation with w go. She recognizes that she is spending to much time alone and is empty inside but thinks she will work through it.

That is for her to resolve.

Quote:
I dont seem to be the total resson for all her issues anymore but she does still have a big trust issue.

Yep, you got the blame because you were the one standing next to her, now that there has been some space, and her issues are not resolved.... she *might* see that she needs to do some work on her.

Quote:
The problem is the things im being accused of are not true. We always had a very open and truthful relationship now she looks at everything like its a lie.
Like what?

Quote:
I know i need to get distance but i feel like i also need to stick up for myself and set the record straight.
Nope, that is your pride messing with your mind. No need to replay any tapes to "set the record straight" just keep moving forward. In fact, try to see some of her perspective, if there is a grain of truth in in, then validate. If its totalls wrong and not true, use terms like: "I am sorry I disappointed you, or I made you feel that way"

Quote:
I guess my question is what do i have a WAW, WW or MLC?

Right now, it still doesn't matter. Stop focusing on fixing her. Continue to fix yourself.

Quote:
And how do i proceed i know with all my heart she needs help!!!!

That is the detachment part, you need to do it in a kind loving way.

Originally Posted By: Nrthman
When I mention depression and hormonal issues I list them after our marriage issues

That is better left to the professionals to sort out. There is not a single thing you can do to help that process, other then being supportive in a healthy way.

Quote:
My kids feel left behind also, my son seems to
Be dealing better then my daughter the both are helping me and we have had long talks. I even offered to leave and have there mom come home.

Nice gentlemanly like offer, but don't do that again. Your kids need continuity and stability right now. Keep things as they are for them.

Quote:
Both my kids hugged me at that point and I quote. "No dad your doing the right thing we just need to help Mom get better".
Nice smile

Quote:
Time To GAL

And what is on the agenda?


Me: 43
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ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
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Got DB: 2/20/13
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Originally Posted By: Nrthman
When I mention depression and hormonal issues I list them after our marriage issues


Don't sell yourself short brother, those may very well BE your marriage issues. I am quite sure they were in my case, and my W was just a little older than yours at the time. My W went through menopause and that's when it all started. Your W is right there in that age range. Menopause affects some women very little and others in a big way.

Quote:
The fact that I myself checked out of marriage for a time. My porn viewing during that time something I do not do anymore.


Good gosh, you looked at PORN?????? Oh man, you must be a horrible human being! NO WONDER you're having marital problems! I heard a statistic once- 70% of men watch porn and the other 30% lie about it, LOL! I was listening to a sermon once, I think it was Chuck Swindoll and he said they had a group of seminary students in town for a seminar and he was one of the speakers. He asked them to anonymously answer a few questions beforehand, one of which was had they watched porn in the hotel while there at the religious retreat. I'm sure they felt they could be honest because if say 25% said yes then no one would know which said yes and which said no. Only problem was when they tallied it up it was.... 100% hahahaha! You can imagine the embarrassment, they thought they could hide behind statistics but every darned one of them was guilty smile My point being, we all look at some form of porn now and then, it's normal. Yes, even seminary students. People who beat themselves up or allow their wives to beat them up for it are just denying their own humanity. I'm not saying it's right and that everyone should do it, I'm just saying that we all do. It's too easily available to resist.

Quote:
My kids feel left behind also, my son seems to
Be dealing better then my daughter the both are helping me and we have had long talks.


Awesome, you should absolutely be there to help them through this because your W probably won't be.

Quote:
I even offered to leave and have there mom come home.


NO NO NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU need to stay home if you can afford to. I don't want to pick on anyone but there's a particular thread here now where the LBS moved out and his WAS invited OM right into the family home. So now she's there with OM and their kids, one big happy family, financially supported by the LBS. Talk about a sh** show.


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Thanks for the imput WF.

So my wife accused me of joining dating sites and meeting up with women well on business trips. I believe this goes back to the fact she found history of porn site on computer and a dating site link would come on the screen.

So to make things clear my wife is a very good looking women im am average guy that traded upmwhen it comes to my wife. Although the DB diet has been very good to me down 82 lbs since January. So wasn't so average when it came to weight. I compare us to the actors in King of Queens.

When she started to shut down and just sleep for hours with major hot flashes and many other strange things the acusations started coming fast and furious. My fix was to push her to do more with me. Big mistake it only pushed her fast to the door.

She still has same behavior at her parents place work then sleep long hours alone in a room.

This is why when she makes the effort to join us for activities i dont know how i should detach.

I quess if i control how things end and have things planned it is more her joining our activities i am the controling factor.
She can come or not it doesnt change what we are doing as a family.

My GAL activities mostly road trips on my bike some last minute shopping for school. Have even benn working out because lets face it when you lose 80 plus pounds that starts making you feel good about yourself.

And of course reading and visiting every marriage saver site on the net.


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Thanks AS.

Im no saint but porn was never something i was drawn to. When i did the no i dont want to do anything just site in my arm chair it was stress related new job so on and so on.

My wife really took it personally or it seems to be the case right now.

When it comes to menopause or periopause from what i read it can be wild.

I just hope that my w doesn't get to the point that the choices she makes we as a couple can't get past.

No i will not be leaving my home. My kids and i will work through this together and if and when there mom can rejoin the family we will work with her to heal the whole family.

I have also been ready many of the threads on this forum and the situation you speak of all i can say is wow.. i hope that approach works for him i dont think i could do it..

Just proves there are many ways to tackle a problem right or wrong at least there is a effort being made!!


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