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job #2753536 07/27/17 10:47 AM
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Westo, you know the pattern, circle in, cycle out. You just have a few more rotations before he makes it back.

OwnIt #2753598 07/27/17 10:13 PM
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Westo Offline OP
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Job, you are right....of course.

I will leave him alone. If I hadn't have convinced myself that it was his mother he was pushing and thinking he may have moved back already, I wouldn't have expected any movement for a few weeks anyway.

And, I did tell him that I can't move forward until he moves in to his parents, so there really isn't any point in him calling really (I didn't tell him the last bit). I want him to break up with her properly as I want his full attention on me, I can't and won't accept less.

I will trust my gut instinct. When I put down the phone last Friday, my inner voice said "we are going to be ok". For all I know he could have come out with something when he got home after his night out to OW, because something has happened since Friday, as he told me if he didn't call Sunday it would definitely be Monday and he's been pretty true to his word for the last eight weeks.

Maybe she's giving him a rough time since then, or he may genuinely be unwell. I actually wouldn't be surprised if he really did have an upset stomach.....through stress as he did have issues like this before BD. But there's no way he wouldn't go to work.....that's a lie!

Anyway, I will step back and show that this is a place of calm. He knows what he has to do.

I must add, if it wasn't for this place, the old me would have been bombarding him with pathetic emails.......

Westo #2753600 07/27/17 10:56 PM
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{{{{Westo}}}}}

Yes, be an oasis of calm. I like that. So, what are you going to do to create an oasis of calm for yourself? What's the plan for the weekend? xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2753607 07/27/17 11:19 PM
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Thanks for the cwtch Bttrfly!

Well, the weather at the moment is awful so I can't go for my therapeutic walks:(

It's going to remain wet right into next week, can't cope with that so I've just ordered a Bluetooth speaker to play music in the spare bedroom where I have a Water Rower machine.

It cost a lot but I haven't used it for over a year. So, I will ask Alexa to play music to work out to and row, row, row.....!

job #2753736 07/28/17 07:43 AM
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Westo

Could not agree with job more. I will just share this from a guys perspective (I wouldn't dare attempt a guy MLC impression as I would be put in the to tight for comfort white jacket)

Quote:
So I emailed asking if he was ok as he said he would call. He replied that he hadn't gone to work as he had felt sick with a bad stomach since Sunday morning and wasn't back in work until Wednesday, when he would call next. So I replied 'it must have been all the alcohol sat night, hope you feel better soon. No reply.


Classic pursuit on your part followed by a nice little judgemental zinger at the end which us fellas refer to as a nag.

MLCrs really despise being judged, true they leave a wake of destruction in their path but thats really all the LBSs fault right? (In their heads anyway).

As far as the break with OW, coming home ... he knows he can do as he pleases, you are right as he left you so its really up to him. One day OW might look good, the next you do ... he is gonna need sweat pants with all the cake available for him.

As job said, Zero expectations on your part, GAL, PMA and allow that A to flame out without interfering because the road to recovery is already a tough one if there is still doubt in his head of what he truly wants you are in for a longer tougher time.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2753772 07/28/17 11:29 AM
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Hi Caliguy,

I appreciate what you are saying as a blokes POV. However.....

When we spoke on the phone he said he was going out on a works do from 2pm Saturday afternoon and would call Sunday but if not definitely Monday.

I told him that I didn't expect him Sunday as he would probably be very hungover, to which he agreed.

When he didn't turn up on the Monday I did honestly wonder if he was ok. Bearing in mind, if anything did happen to him and he ended up in hospital, how would I know?

So I did what I've been told to do on this forum and treated him like a neighbour/friend and asked if he was ok and hoped he would get well soon. That's it......I don't see this as nagging, and if he does well, I don't know what to say.

I can understand where you are coming from, but I am human. and quite frankly, if he can't handle a simple email like this......

Then we have no chance!

Westo #2753795 07/28/17 04:13 PM
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I think their point was the alcohol comment. I did wince a bit. Sorry.

As unjust as his behavior has been, (and believe me, I get it,)

he will still need to believe that the marriage he returns to,

is different/better than the one he leaves

which you also said you want. As far as what he will need to be able to handle if he returns, that's about piecing and you are not there yet. You have not really gotten to reconciliation.

Hey, I don't mean to be a downer at all. There are many parts to your story that are very encouraging. I am just hoping to give you a bit of food for thought.


I was very happy to hear that your tests came back negative, by the way. Makes me realize I do need to get a scan.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Hi 25,

Thank you for dropping by and wishing me well on my results. I went for another bone scan this week and I have my radiotherapy meeting on August 9th, so I should have an idea on when it starts then.

I can understand the wince at my comment on the alcohol intake, but as he's not a big drinker and him saying he felt sick from the morning after a big session.....was the only conclusion I could come to. I think I was also testing him as I didn't believe him. I know him and if it was the truth he would have responded and with more detail, after all, why didn't he just email me saying he won't be calling after all as he was ill?

But no....he waited for me to ask, then came out with that white lie. I honestly think he knows I know it's a lie and I also think it's suiting him quite fine that I haven't contacted him since, so he doesn't have to fob me off with more lies.

I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling they have some kind of function this weekend that OW has been looking forward to and he can't get out of without looking a right A Hole......

Never mind, I've waited a long time and I do realise that the cancer diagnosis came out of the blue, not only for me but for him too..and before he was ready to emerge from the tunnel.

So I will do what my female instinct tells me. Which is to leave him do what he has to do. I'm not going anywhere, I am strong and truly believe what will be, will be.

I'm not the only prize here, but his home, kids, parents, grandkids and friends. He has far more to gain by coming back than I do.

Westo #2757663 08/23/17 06:36 AM
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So, a small update.

I didn't contact H for three weeks to leave him the time and space Job advised to do. Then two weeks ago I emailed him asking if he was still alive.

He answered two days later 'yeah just about X', so I answered 'what do you mean? Have you been really ill then?' Now I didn't want to bring my treatment into it but knew if I did he would be obliged to answer, so I added.....'I went for a ct scan today and had three dots tattooed on my chest so they can line me up properly every day'

He answered ' no, I was ill for a couple of days but I'm ok now and working nights. When does your daily treatment start then?'

'Not for four to five weeks. Are you any closer to sorting the stuff you said you needed a few weeks to do?'.

No answer, so I left it a week.....for it to sit in his head. Texted him yesterday, so I knew he would see it unlike my previous email which he sometimes uses the excuse that he doesn't always have email access.

Me...'please communicate with me. It's been over five weeks since our talk. It's our anniversary on Sunday and I was hoping all this would have been sorted by then.'

He answered 'yes I will do, I didn't realise it was five weeks since then. I'm on my 7th night shift.'

Me 'will do what....communicate or sort things?' He answered straight away...'both'.

So........lets see.

Westo #2757685 08/23/17 08:38 AM
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Westo,
You sound desperate/anxious for answers. Maybe he's not ready or can't even begin to share what he's thinking at the moment. You do realize his journey is not about you and if he's not able to take care of himself or share his thoughts/decisions w/you, then he's not going to be able to provide you w/the empathy, compassion and support that you are seeking/expecting from him. I know you want him to be concerned about your health and what is going on and this is very very normal, but if you push too hard and fast, he may very well continue to be silent or distance himself further from you.

I know you want answers, but you've got to allow him to come to you when he's ready. Three weeks isn't enough time for him to miss you and wonder what you are up to. He needs to miss you in order for him to want to come out of his hole w/curiosity in order to contact you.

Please, please stop pushing for answers...when the time is right, they will be revealed to you, but you need to understand that he's not on your time clock of like quick. He is on a very slow clock and patience has to be used in a situation like this.

Hang in there. I do hope you are feeling better. Please dig deeper for patience and keep that expectations dial down on zero.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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