My Story

[Surv1ve]

I had a really rough day at yesterday. Social work can be heart wrenching. Listening to.young black people talk about their daily realities made my heart and. I also left my car lights on and had to call an uber who picked me me up outside the social social housing neighborhood I was in and said exactly the kinds of.thinfs about the people in that neighborhood that the youth has just complained about.

So, H pretty much ignored me when I got home. I am not sure how to handle that better bc my kids now ignore it when I'm upset and I also consider it beyond rude. H has historically blamed me for a lack of response. I wasn't clear enough about what I needed or I was too demanding or he didn't notice I was upset and I didn't ask for help or I did ask for help and obviously expected these ridiculous things from him. So, when I told him that I expect him to at least acknowledge me when I am upset, he said, "you weren't looking at me. I had nothing to engage wjth.". I basically called bs and he got defensive and I held ground. He then said, "you know, I broke up w you 11 months ago and I just want to be your friend. You need to have other people in your life you turn to."

Ugh ugh ugh. Flail. Such bs. I mean, first of all, while he may be in high school emotionally right now, you can't "just break up" with your wife of 20 years. What wvidence.if regression. And of course, he indicates that he sees us resuming our romantic relationship all the time. It's soft, it's subtle, it's hesitant but it 100 percent there. This was just a control and manipulative tactic to throw me off balance so that I would give ground on my truth.

He admitted that later that evening, named it as an escalation. I think he even offered it.

This morning, I told him that I won't tolerate being gas lit. I need to figure out how to enforce that boundary. And while I don't expect caretaking from him right now, I am unwilling to go along with the family pretense that I am.not signalling any emotions right now. How can I do that truthfully, without force and control, modeling healthy behaviors for my children, in a way that is not demanding.

So the monster visited. Yeah, he's in there.

[Surv1ve]

Also, I'm super bad at typing on cell phones.

[OwnIt]

Survive, you went from hero to zero on this one. You are the DB master and then you went all relationship crazy, validate me, and make me feel better about my bad day. In exchange you got a brutal reminder that this ain't over, he controls the pace of it, and he will strike out and hurt you to make himself feel better or take the pressure off him.

Dust yourself off and do better tomorrow. Turn to others now for support. He is not your guy right now and the stuff he said was unnecessarily cruel for how things have been going. Two steps forward and one back. It's a process. A really crappy, long process, but one none-the-less.

[Surv1ve]

I have to think about it. I expect him to just acknowledge me and state his limits rather than pretend I do not exist. This is where I feel like, if he wants to live here, that is my minimum. I know I might be making a demand he can't meet, but I'm not sure I am willing to live with, even temporarily, someone who will literally pretend I am not there when I am having a rough day. Even EX/OM acknowledged me when I walked in the door, "Sounds like a rough day and then no car. Ouch."

I experience it as fundamentally disrespectful and rude thing to be ignored as if I do not exist, and it might be part of my bottom line. I don't want him to abandon me, but to tolerate what feels intolerable to me is to abandon myself. He may or may not be in my life in 5 years, but I have to live with me forever. And, he know this is something that drives me bugsh*t. If I give in here, I'm not sure I'm doing him or me any favors because if I disrespect myself here, I show him it's okay to disrespect me.

I need to think more about why this bothers me so much and see if I can shift my interpretation. H also said and really seemed to mean he intends to figure it out as he realizes that he always deflects this one to be my fault. if I can understand or create an alternate explanation, I can probably figure out how to frame it differently than "fundamentally disrespectful and unacceptable". H has, in the last 6 months, acknowledged me while simultaneously being super clear that he had no space.

He took space tonight but chatted with me by IM over messenger. He said he's really angry about last night and this morning and isn't sure he understands himself why he is so angry and was tempted to bash the van into other cars. He also left our 11 year old alone for 2 hours so he could go climbing without consulting me, which I am trying to figure out how to address. We've never left her alone for longer than 30 minutes and, while I think I might have agreed, him deciding that because he needed to go blow off steam rather than feeling she's ready for it sort of scares me.

H said this morning that he gets angry when I say things that imply he's a horrible person. To which I said, "I don't think you're a horrible person. If I did, I would be gone. I am proud of your hard work. I think your behaviours are sometimes abusive, but you are not abusive. This is not who you are, but it's something you do sometimes when you feel backed into a corner. But, I also need to name the behaviours and, while I understand them and where they come from for you, I need to name them and refuse them."

No diving tonight. I drove the hour to the boat and the boat was there and no one was on it. It apparently broken down during the day. I was pretty crushed. I needed my dive time! Tomorrow is going back to ex-crush's house who I'm happy to be friends with. I upcycle clothes from old sweaters and she wants me to teach her a few things.

[OwnIt]

I don't think you can intellectualize him into the response that you want to receive. No matter how you slice it, there is not a lot of dignity in trying to hold on to someone who at least outwardly says they don't want you.

You have every right to be hurt and to question this behavior, but expecting anything more from him is only setting yourself up for further hurt. You have to make your choices based on what you can tolerate without any expectation that you are going to change him or what he says or does.

Leaving your daughter in that way is not acceptable. His annoyance at being called out over his behavior cannot supplant her need for supervision and a safe household. Even my horrible H was an active participant in the times we "practiced" leaving our D alone for the first time.

Yes, he is making some progress and thinking through some things, but as I recently wrote, I think this is a long way from over. I think you see a little green and think you've found the mainland. You have to slow down your thoughts and your expectations to protect yourself here.

[Surv1ve]

Gosh, it has been a while.

I survived the anniversary of the bomb drop. Folks, I actually threw myself a party... I invited my closest friends to hang out with me at a local beach and asked for letters celebrating my growth over the last year. I also survived Christmas without nearly the emotional rollercoaster I was having last year.

Everything is pretty much the same at home. H sometimes says he wants to move out and yet has taken no action. All the casual conversations in the house from him assume that nothing is going to change. He's currently renovating the basement bathroom, the one he uses, and today, during our casual lunch time get together, he started babbling about other renovation projects the house needs.

EX/OM is still trying to drive a separation and saw a lawyer in June and I just did a draft of financial disclosure after receiving a formal request in late November. It's moving as slow as I want it to, I guess. I remember seeing that the LBS is really the person who decides when it's over, and I see how much power I have to stall and delay and, when I'm not engaging with H in any sort of emotional way, H isn't moving anything forward. H still hasn't retained his own attorney.

H and I still go climbing most weeks, and he now comes to my office on Thursdays for lunch and we usually go for a walk in the nearby nature reserve. Conversations are generally kept light. I still see all kinds of hope and growth in him, and he becomes more emotionally articulate all the time; yet, he's still full of fear. He said recently that he isn't afraid of ME anymore, but he is terrified of making an implicit agreement... so, if he shows me care, we'll be right back to square one.

So, one day at a time? Breathing and nurturing friendships and trying to do my own work. It's tiring, though, and my friends think I've lost my mind to stick this out... *sigh*

[OwnIt]

Great news Survive and glad you are back. I've been wondering what is going on with you. My situation is exactly the same. Some things never change.

Still don't understand how EX/OM can make you respond to disclosures when your H is doing nothing though. Let him play his hand, your H will eventually wake to it.

[Surv1ve]

EX/OM is considered a common law spouse and can seek spousal support and child support and can argue for a share of the house. Since I refuse to discuss the actual monies in person, he's forced to make the request through a lawyer. H isn't actually helping, either. That said, it really can't go very far unless H participates because H earns twice what I earn and, just looking at my income, EX/OM can't apply for much. It's so messy, because I would respond more quickly if I thought H wouldn't go with EX/OM. He sends mixed messages on that (and I definitely do not ask). Sometimes, he says he'd move out and sometimes he says he'd live here half time and sometimes he says he doesn't want to move out. This is where I don't ask for any further information than what he occasionally volunteers because I think going there is not going to go well for me.

I followed some of your thread, and I'll comment there. You sound like you're doing well, though, and that's good to read.

After my last post, things were yucky between me and H for a while. He seems to be really good and really sane as long as I keep my emotions fully in check and don't make any demands of him and keep my needs as something I will fill with or without him. I wanted so much to believe we were seeing the end of a dark period, but I guess I am now trying to resign myself for a longer haul and appreciate the touch-n-goes as they come.

I went on a few dates with a woman. Without going into more details than necessary, it was again really neat to see how far I've come. She wanted to reduce or limit our 3rd date, I think, for "my benefit" and it was so clear to me that it was her own comfort and not "for me". I super gently just named it and insisted that she claim her own boundaries and needs rather than deflecting them on to external reasons or claim they were for me. That is a kind of communication I used to accept with H or with EX/OM that I recognized really early. She actually cancelled our next date and said she'd get back in touch after the holidays, but she at least claimed her own uncertainty. If she gets back in touch, great, but if she doesn't, that's fine too. If my insistence on naming what IS means we can't date because she can't claim her own needs, then that's also 100% fine okay with me.

It has been tricky forming new friendships and new relationships because I now recognize and reject old patterns, but I haven't quite figured out how to draw in the things that I *DO* want.

[OwnIt]

Survive, that is so interesting. Your laws are clearly much more progressive than anything in the US that I am aware of. I'm glad you are able to view your H with detachment and recognize that this charade with EX/OM is something you must endure, but that time is on your side. You seem so strong and I have every confidence that you are going to be great, no matter how this plays out in the long-term. I have a sneaky suspicion that you will be the one that makes the big decision here.

[Surv1ve]

Ownit: Yeah, in Ontario, you can have a legal spouse and a common law spouse. I think the intention is that if you were not yet divorced but living with someone else, the common law spouse has rights. In some provinces, a common law spouse does have rights to a pension or to the house, but not yet in Ontario. They can apply for those things through a court process based on "unjust enrichment" but the threshold is high for burden of proof. I don't think EX/OM would be successful, but he feels entitled to those things. I don't have any intention of giving anything I don't have to, though.

A few months ago, H had this hilarious conversation with me where he told me that he would learn that I was someone he didn't know if I 1) sued for full custody of 2) demanded an "unfair" share of our wealth if we separated. He went on to say that if I took my legal share of our wealth, he would be forced to get a prenup with EX/OM to protect himself. Verbally, I stayed non-committal and said that I intended to do what I thought was best for the children and to do what I thought was fair financially. Inwardly, I was restraining laughter. I just wanted to say, "So, you want me to give up what I'm legally entitled to so that you don't have to pressure EX/OM to sign a document to give up what he's legally entitled to." Uh, nope.

Today is my birthday. It's the final piece of the holiday to get through as H's birthday is between Christmas and today. H is making me sushi dinner and banana tempura before going out with his friends. He made those plans not realizing it was my birthday, and in limbo land, it's so hard to know what to expect. It hurts my heart to know that he's going out. He offered to cancel his plans, but I know that will just me a grumpy and resentful H and we'll have a miserable time together. No thanks. And, it hurt like hell, okay? He saw that and thanked me "taking one for the team."

I haven't been last resort technique-ing for a while. It is somewhere in between. Still lots of GAL'ing, thoughtfulness, grounding, building my own life, gratitude, happiness psychology, and even forays into dating. But, I also felt like the LRT was, I guess, too much to do forever. So, I try to be authentic about my needs in a owning them as mine sort of way. I try to take his inability to meet those needs to be about him and not me. I try to notice when he does meet me and the ways that he communicates that I'm important to him (cooking this elaborate dinner even though I would prefer quality time.

I have also been rejecting the shame... I used to feel like, if H wouldn't meet my needs, it was because I was unworthy but I'm trying to remember that his inability to meet my needs is his own shame, about how he is currently broken.

This road is going to be long, isn't it? But, I try to look backwards at how much ground we've already covered and how he isn't seeming to go anywhere and, in his own MLC way, he's trying to get through his tunnel. I look at some of the people who have reached their ends, and there is some envy in the closure but it's still my choice to stand.