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Hi doodler, Joseph,

It really is hard to know what's for the best, I do know that it's well known BS give up too soon some times and that R could be just round the corner. I suppose I'll naturally know when the time comes but in this moment I continue to do the best for me and my children and to some degree my WW IF she comes to her senses..!

I need to work on the MNG issues I have keep improving whilst GAL'ing and showing ALL a confident, happy individual who'll get through this. BUT when it comes to her coming back to talk I'll show her that she was wrong to put me back out there and regret her actions but NEVER burn that bridge as long as the boundaries are respected.

Thanks again.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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Parkema Offline OP
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Hi all,

Finally got the boys back yesterday after 6 nights without them, this is the longest time I've been without them so was a really hard time for me.
When WW brought them around as usual we talked a little and naturally this was about the holiday they had just had. To cut a long story short I was given snippets of information I'd like to share.

WW stated she got herself in a "pickle" when she called her AP/LO by my name!
Referred to similar situations she had in this present holiday compared to the ones we used to have.
Mentioned something about a performer at the site she was staying at had the exact same name as me, funny this as the boys had no recollection of it!
And they all reminisced when a certain song was played at the park.

Now I'm not in the least suggesting anything regarding this has changed our situation but it was refreshing to hear. I did well in her knowing I'm working at detaching as I mentioned that I need her to change some visitation days around due to a social event and also when WW said she wanted the boys to FaceTime on Friday I basically let her know I wasn't home anyway.

I am now trying to act "as if" I know I'm going to be able to work this out, obviously not for her benefit just to let her see someone who is confident and capable to move on with his life but also in preparation of her eventually coming back.
Doesn't mean I'm not going to continue with the DR'ing as this is my way of life now but just be happy and carefree in her presence without any fear as to what is/will happen in the future.

Again will monitor the results and take what's useful.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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[quote=parkema]Hi all,

Finally got the boys back yesterday after 6 nights without them, this is the longest time I've been without them so was a really hard time for me.

^^^sounds rough! Can you increase the GAL next time the boys are gone? How are your GAL doing?



When WW brought them around as usual we talked a little and naturally this was about the holiday they had just had. To cut a long story short I was given snippets of information I'd like to share.

WW stated she got herself in a "pickle" when she called her AP/LO by my name!
Referred to similar situations she had in this present holiday compared to the ones we used to have.
Mentioned something about a performer at the site she was staying at had the exact same name as me, funny this as the boys had no recollection of it!


And they all reminisced when a certain song was played at the park.

Now I'm not in the least suggesting anything regarding this has changed our situation but it was refreshing to hear.

protect yourself from reading into ^^^ these comments. While they're pleasant and probably true, they do not signify a seismic change in her, so please read nothing into them. For your sake.

OTOH it's good that she is able to converse with you pleasantly and that will probably reduce your stress. Just don't backslide from any detachment work you have done.


I did well in her knowing I'm working at detaching as I mentioned that I need her to change some visitation days around due to a social event and also when WW said she wanted the boys to FaceTime on Friday I basically let her know I wasn't home anyway.

good!



I am now trying to act "as if" I know I'm going to be able to work this out, obviously not for her benefit just to let her see someone who is confident and capable to move on with his life but also in preparation of her eventually coming back.


Detachment is not about preparing for HER to do anything. It's about YOU Living your life well, for you and your kids.

Please let that^^ sink in.



Doesn't mean I'm not going to continue with the DR'ing as this is my way of life now but just be happy and carefree in her presence without any fear as to what is/will happen in the future.

Just curious, what does DB mean to you? Why would you stop it, especially since you think the r with your wife is getting more civil?

A lot of folks think DBing means keep on trying to save your marriage, but many many times it means save yourself

and besides, I don't think anyone can save a marriage Without saving themselves.

I think we have to be happy and content in ourselves...in order to be fully present to love someone else.

Hang in there



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Hi 25yearsmlc,

As usual thanks for your insight, I think I’m finally having my eyes opened.

Although I have been receiving these comments which are the most positive I’ve had in 6-months I still work on the premise that I don’t believe in anything they say and only so much in what they do but what made the change in her stance..?
I have been DR’ing or as I now look at it as working on myself for myself and feel what I’ve been doing is having some affect.
To be honest there was a step change once she came back from her week away with my boys and her AP/LO, maybe the guilt got to a point where she felt the need to “give me some points back” in a way to alleviate this. I also noticed that once I mentioned the specific date I needed her to clear her diary for a whole lot of interest started, the 3 W’s came up (where, what, with who) I of course stayed aloof and just said “nothing special”.

The following day AGAIN I was complimented with her saying “I looked good” her validating me..! I just brush it away and remember she’s on her way back to my house to sleep in my bed with her AP/LO so that soon dissipates.

The acting “as if” I know we are going to get back together is exactly that acting. Acting like this allows me to be happy and more relaxed when around her confident in the knowledge this is showing the best of me, I STILL understand I can do little to influence the eventual outcome BUT this is a method for me to show the world a better Mark proper DR’ing..?

I have now re-focused on my goals as they were more catered to her than me and the whole episode above does show that working on me is definitely the way forward.
• No pressure – can’t influence the outcome so why worry about it.
• More outgoing – show a more pleasant domineer NOT to my WW but to everyone. I think the goal could be for more people approaching me! I will monitor.
• Show a friendly individual who is over the worst and is concentrating on HIS future.
• Be the best dad in the world – obvious BUT also a strong head-turner for the WW’s.
All the above goals are now about me more than goals I can try and influence seeing in her as I feel doing the above will be noticed and be more positive either way.

Detaching is STILL very prevalent in my life now, I really couldn’t care if she comes around or not, in fact last week (when she was away with boys and AP/LO) I found I could relax even more knowing I wasn’t going to “bump” into her but not having the boys massively hurtful.

What does DR’ing mean to me? Ultimately trying to save my M what else..? Please understand I’m aware that people would suggest it’s about bettering yourself for whichever outcome happens BUT I feel MWD would ULTIMATELY suggest it’s about doing everything to save your M and more importantly making a better D proof M.

As you mention I now see that the best results I have had come from me looking after me BUT also I feel somewhere in there is changes in her A and the interaction with her AP/LO.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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Hi Mark

Interesting turn around from your W. I think I said the other day she would not be able to not compare the holiday with OM to experiences you shared.

Keep up the good work and do what you need to do for you and your boys.

SJ


Me 46 H 39
M 11 T 14
S 10 DO 8
ILYBNILWY 11.06.17
Separate rooms 11.06.17
ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17
Kicked H out 23.6.17
H came home 20.8.17



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Parkema Offline OP
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Hi SJ,

Thanks for your response.

I’ve just caught up on your situation wanted to congratulate you, uncharted waters now and it'll be interesting to see how this pans out!
Caution must be the word here BUT who’s to say he’s not repentant? I have no advice except monitor carefully keep the GAL’ing up and refrain from the R conversations unless he initiates them, stay happy and confident in yourself but remain detached for the time being.

Another BD would be awful and I don’t want this for you so although very positive please be cautious.

Well done, keep it up.


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Thanks Mark,

I thought having some control back would be better but at the moment I feel worse. I need to take some time out and regroup.

Stay positive.
SJ


Me 46 H 39
M 11 T 14
S 10 DO 8
ILYBNILWY 11.06.17
Separate rooms 11.06.17
ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17
Kicked H out 23.6.17
H came home 20.8.17



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hey Mark,

The suggestion I'm making when I say "save yourself" means to make yourself your priority b/c I the chance of YOU being happy, starts there


AND b/c it increases the chances of you becoming the most attractive partner possible. Lessens co-dependence.

So your course of action is the same, and helps you regardless of the outcome.


I don't want to project my situation onto yours, but it would be nuts if I didn't share any insights from the experience.

For ME, I see now that I spent far too much of my life staying/trying b/c of my h's potential as a h.

I was waiting for our m to return to what it had been in the past, AND OR what I hoped it would be down the road. I projected my own hopes & moral compass onto my h b/c I could not grasp the reality that he does NOT feel the same. He does not feel guilt or remorse - because if he does, it's not enough to make different choices.

My confusion stemmed from projecting MY own moral standards and emotions, onto someone who does Not share them, or who has justified following his own...

If YOU cannot imagine doing what your wife is doing, then her values and yours are not in alignment AND OR she has justified her choices and is enough at peace with them, to stay on her path.

Not to belabor the point but Your wife is in an overt affair in the marital home with the children openly exposed to it.

That's^^ a heck of a lot of betrayal. Her being civil is literally the least she can do.

Do you have an internal timeline for any legal action? I'm not telling you to have one, Some LBS folks find it useful to know that at some point in their lives, the limbo ends.

I chose my d1's high school graduation as my private deadline and it made my "purgatory" much easier knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Helped my detachment too b/c I knew the nightmare was not eternal.

I knew I'd survive no matter what and that helped me a lot. Perhaps the detachment and GAL were triggers for my h or it's coincidental, but as that deadline approached (and I never shared it with anyone) h became more vocal about wanting to reconcile.

Later on if it becomes relevant, I'll share my "piecing" errors, but the reconciliation we had for 10 years, was due mostly to DBing.


Also, acting as if - is NOT about acting as if you know she will come back.

It's acting as if you know you'll be alright, no matter what SHE does...b/c you are in charge of your life and your happiness.
This is very important to understand.

And faking it till you make it, means that acting confident in your own future can actually create the confidence & happiness in your life. There are TED Talk videos about this, sort of an "outside in" approach to behaviors/emotions, instead of the opposite. They DO outer behaviors and THEN feel inwardly, the emotions they need/want.

Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor have empirical data demonstrating the this in their youtube videos on creating change in your internal life by certain outward behaviors. Instead of what many people do which is to wait till they "Feel" a certain way and THEN they will "Act" on the emotion; this process is the reverse.

So again, acting as if is Not about what you expect HER to do, but on your awakening that you yourself are going to be fine, regardless of what SHE does.


Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Parkema Offline OP
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Hi 25yearsmlc,

Thanks for your response.

As I thought the recent “positives” turned out to be nothing more than temperature checking as last night the pre-holiday WW returned. I could have called it a push-back but we’ve had nothing but civil exchanges for a long while.

“It's acting as if you know you'll be alright, no matter what SHE does...b/c you are in charge of your life and your happiness. This is very important to understand.”

^^^ Yes I know I need to get to this point but at the moment I’m still a little raw about my feelings regarding how she could have done this to my boys and I, I am getting there and with each day a little more callous builds up and I get more and more hardened to her. I’m getting better at being by myself and am faking my happiness in front of her hopefully this isn’t coming across as fake though.

Working on myself is beginning to have an effect and have had comments for others not just my WW so a win there!

As usual I re-visit my goals and would like your opinion of my most recent:
• Being more approachable – success measured by people coming up to me to talk.
• Being under less pressure – success would be for me to not feel I have to “win her back” in every interaction I need to remember I can’t control her actions.
• Being more carefree – success measured on how much MORE my WW would want to interact with me i.e. instead of staying in the driveway when coming to pick the boys up she would actually come in when invited.

25yearsmlc can I ask how you approached your interactions with your H? Do you have any regrets that you didn’t try everything to save him? If you had the chance again would you do anything different?

I’m a firm believer that people don’t leave something for something worse and it’s this that drives me to be her “safe place” and friend when we interact, I know this could lead to cake eating but I still have solid boundaries in place for certain situations.

Surely if our WS’s want to re-engage then we should take the opportunity to show them a person they feel can provide them with a better future than the one they are presently involved with?

Just my opinion…

Thanks again.


DR'ing started March 2017

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Originally Posted By: Mark_P

As usual I re-visit my goals and would like your opinion of my most recent:
• Being more approachable – success measured by people coming up to me to talk.
• Being under less pressure – success would be for me to not feel I have to “win her back” in every interaction I need to remember I can’t control her actions.
• Being more carefree – success measured on how much MORE my WW would want to interact with me i.e. instead of staying in the driveway when coming to pick the boys up she would actually come in when invited.


Mark,

I just want to start out by saying I think you are doing great considering the blatant disrespect your wife is showing you.

Having said that, IMO your goals and focus are still way to much on your W. Your W is in an open affair with the OM living in your house and you are worried about being a safe place for her to come back.

I can't stress this enough, she has to win you back!!!! The quicker you drop the rope and start to move on with your life the quicker she may realize what she will be missing out on.

You can't fake it either. She will feel it when you really are done.

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