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#2757218 08/20/17 06:45 PM
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NoWayTX Offline OP
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Super short version. Wife of 11 years (known her since 1992!) has been having an affair with another woman for close to 4 months. I've been slowly boiled like the proverbial frog in the water.

Current status: I'm downstairs in 'our' bedroom while my wife and her mistress are upstairs in the office of 'our' house with the mistress's 4 kids sleep in the other room upstairs. I have observed very intimate physical contact between the two of them in the past, but my wife is practically asexual and claims that the physical things are not happening anymore. Not sure I believe that, but whatever. No kids of our own. Have a house and a couple dogs, all family is a thouand+ miles away. She won't talk to anyone at our church about it, nor any of our friends. She spends 24x7 with this new woman as they have found jobs together, and are now commuting together.

Wife absolutely refuses to go to any form of counseling. Says that she knows that she is in the wrong, so "What would hearing it from someone else do?"

I have made a number of significant blunders in my thrashing around trying to win her back but am trying to be on the straight and narrow now.

I've told her that I will find somewhere else to live, but she says that I should keep the house and that they will move out.

My ultimate desire is to return to what we had., but I'm not sure I can trust her anymore, or ever again at this point.

My wife's desire is for me to just be OK with being a second-rate husband in this relationship. She has tried to placate me a little by volunteering to give up some time with her mistress to stay with me a few nights a week.

Do I tell her to move out? I'm sure that she won't respect my privacy if she does.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Do not move out of the house,
Yes let her move.


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Wow, you deserve so much better than that. Yes you should tell her to move out.

Personally I would demand that the other woman and her family move out immediately. That homewrecker can figure out how to raise her 4 kids in someone else's house.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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NoWayTX,

That's messed up brother. I can't even begin to fathom having to deal with this.
You are being walked all over right now. I think you need to man up and put a stop to this going on in your house IMMEDIATELY. Get them the hell out of there. You can't control what they do but you should not tolerate one more minute of this kind of behavior carrying on right underneath your nose. The sooner you stop allowing her to disrespect you this way, the sooner there will be the chance for her to start coming out of the fog.

Why is this OW even in your house? How did she get there? You may not be able to kick your W out of the house but surely you can get this OW out of the house.

Do NOT allow this continue for a minute more. This needs to stop today.
Get one or both of them out of the house is the first step. Then detach, 180 and GAL. The sooner you begin moving on with your life, the sooner you'll have the opportunity to begin turning things around.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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NoWayTX Offline OP
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Quick answers to some questions: It started when the mistress became friends with the wife. I understand that the mistress is in a verbally abusive relationship with her husband, but that the husband has turned her entire family against her. I do feel bad for her, but not so bad that I am willing to give up the relationship that my wife and I had.

The wife will readily admit that she is in the wrong, but cares more for her mistress than she does for me.

I have a good number of distractions and do travel for work a good bit, so that's not a huge issue for me. The hard part is at night as the true loneliness sets in. I am working on a rather long timeline of events, but many of them are frankly inconsequential to the grander story.

Mistakes I have made include letting her family in on at least part of the secret (we had a vacation planned together and the wife wanted and did take the mistress along), as well as a couple of elders in our church (they are still attending church with all of us as well!). I have been told that the mistress is looking for a place of her own and my wife is flip-flopping on whether she will move out or go be with her.

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Wow, what a crazy situation!! Very sorry you've found yourself in that mess! She's doing a tremendous amount of cake-eating living under your roof with OW, and even OW's kids.

Quote:
My ultimate desire is to return to what we had., but I'm not sure I can trust her anymore, or ever again at this point.


Trust is a huge obstacle to overcome in piecing, no question about it. It's very hard to fully trust a partner that was actively engaging in an affair because that is the biggest breach of trust there is.

Quote:
My wife's desire is for me to just be OK with being a second-rate husband in this relationship. She has tried to placate me a little by volunteering to give up some time with her mistress to stay with me a few nights a week.


I'm curious how you responded to that?

Quote:
Do I tell her to move out? I'm sure that she won't respect my privacy if she does.


Well, you can ask her but you can't make her. Likewise, she can't make you. I mean one or both of you can try to make the other so miserable being there that they're forced to move out, but neither of you can be forced out by legal means (except through divorce). The general rule of thumb around here is if the WAS is unhappy then they should be the one to leave. But normally they WANT separation, you're in a bit of a pickle because your W seems to be happy with all living under one roof.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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I'll chime in as a second (or third) that you should at least get the OW out. Since the W offered to move out, i'd find a way to make that happen and do not accept the OW living there. W should agree since she admits she is wrong.

i'll also put in that there sounds more to the OW story that she is letting on if her own family is on the LBS side. Verbal abuse is subjective and there probably are two sides to that story.


Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10;
HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17
Kids Together D4, D1.52
W Moves Out: 03/16/17
W Files : 03/17/17
D Final: 10/23/17
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Sorry to hear about this crazy sitch your in. Clearly OW H was likely right about her. Don't fall for the my H isbabusobe story. They all typically use the same lies. First thing you need to do is kick out OW and those kids ASAP. Remove W as well if you can. This behavior will continue until your W experiences loss and consequences for her actions.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
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