Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

Thanks AS, Treasur, and Dusty. The change in the person is painful, but I'm starting to see how it can be helpful too. It helps us separate the present from the past, and helps us see that what we used to have is really gone.

For a while in my sitch, I was having dreams where I'd be losing W in one way or another, and they really got to to me. Now in my dreams W is always some kind of distant figure or adversary. These new dreams aren't nearly as upsetting as the old ones.

Thursday W and I went to a school event with S10. She really seemed like an alien to me. She's not as attractive in my eyes any more. The funny thing is she met us there and apparently couldn't recognize me from the back. Ha!

Yesterday W left for her European trip, where I suspect OM may be meeting her. But I honestly don't care about that. I actually told her bye (obviously no hug or kiss though), which is a change for me. After she left, I felt more at ease. So it's just me and my boys for a week.

Later in the day yesterday, S14 had an optional school event to go to, and I was trying to talk him into it. He really can be a stick in the mud, and I'm trying to help him get out the house and do things. He argued with me on and off for about 30 minutes, and eventually just refused to go. I got frustrated, and since my emotions are so thin right now, I kinda had an emotional breakdown and cried in front of him and S10. They both seemed a little taken aback. I've seen some people say you need to be strong for your kids, but I just don't think it's healthy to try to hide my emotions from my kids. A real man has feelings. I had stuff to do elsewhere in the house, so I left the room and went about my business, but I continued to be a mess for the next 30 minutes. After I'd collected myself, I told the boys I hoped I hadn't upset them, and I knew things would be hard for all of us for a while. I also asked S14 to try to be a little more cooperative.

Last night my charity group (it's sci-fi related btw) had a social get together at a local food and gaming joint. S10 was gung ho to come, but S14 just wasn't interested. I told him I'd really enjoy his presence, but he didn't want to go. I mean, I know it's probably mostly due to his age, but I'm upset that he may not see how precious these moments are, going forward.

Anyway, S10 and I went and had an absolute blast! We ate, bowled, played lasertag and arcade games, and stayed so late we basically closed the place down. It was great to be around all the people in my group, with my son, and it all just felt so natural. I can honestly say I didn't have a single moment where I missed my W (she never wanted to be a part of my events with this group). And it was so great to hear S10 saying he was having a good time with me.

I haven't said anything about the D to anyone in the group, but they may have noticed I'm not wearing my ring any more. There are women in the group, some of them single, and maybe one day I'll meet someone through the group that shares some common interests.

W feels more and more like a ghost from my past that I'm trying to forget about.

I think I may have reached detachment - I always imagined I'd feel happy about being detached, but I'm not. Once you get here, you realize you don't need that person in your life, and really don't want them either. Life is what's waiting to happen once you escape your current sitch.

Hope everyone makes the most of their weekend.

[Treasur]

Thanks AS, Treasur, and Dusty. The change in the person is painful, but I'm starting to see how it can be helpful too. It helps us separate the present from the past, and helps us see that what we used to have is really gone.

It does help with detachment to see how different they are, even if it is shocking sometimes.

I don't know how much of the 'original' person is still in there if they are in the grip of MLC. I don't see much sign of it with my H, but logically there must be some of them still in the mix. Too many consistent years of v1...but you are dealing with v2 right now and detachment helps.

I think it's one of the biggest internal struggles actually for the LBS, to detach from v2 but do it in a loving way inside your own head because of v1. Some posters here who have seen their spouses come out of the fog eventually do see a sort of v3 that includes a lot of the original, I think. But a lot of WAS/MLC are being driven by their own emotional defences so it's hard to see.

I think of my H as dead. I don't expect to see him again, just the cold irrational v2 who is divorcing me, but I hope he does get to a v3 that is capable of being the pretty great man he was.

[Holding]

W is still on her European vacation. No contact from her in over 24 hours - Woot!! The little contact there has been was about the kids and their first day at school. She did text me 2 days ago saying she wasn't feeling well and was calling it an early night by staying in her hotel room. I didn't respond. Did she expect sympathy from me?

She skyped with S10 and I could barely stand to be in the same room as her voice. If she decided to just never come back I'd honestly be thrilled.

FIL is in town and asked me and my boys to meet him for dinner last night. I went for their sake. No talk of anything related to W or the D. I don't really have anything against the guy, but it's just an awkward reminder of the life we're leaving behind.

S10 said W mentioned taking him and S14 on a vacation to Italy, and the thought of the her and my sons having a good time together just really bothered me. (She and I were supposed to go about 4 years back, but an auto accident intervened.) Don't get me wrong, I want my boys to enjoy life, but I'm not at a place right now where I can wish her happiness. At all. So for some reason, the whole Italy thing put me in a foul mood the rest of the night.

Last night I did some reading before bed (just finished the NG book and started the codependency book). Then I decided to have a conversation with God. If you've been following my sitch, you'll remember I've basically become an athiest over the years, but turned to God after BD to help me get through the sitch.

Well, I guess I didn't have much of anything positive to say to God last night. I told him this was a real cruel joke. I totally bought into the whole "marriage, commitment, loyalty" thing, and now I find myself in this miserable mess. And my kids are mixed up in this mess too. I could handle God putting me in this sitch, but doing it to my kids too is just too much for me. So now I'm back to believing that maybe God's not there after all. Hope that doesn't rub anyone here the wrong way - I just need to vent.

I'm feeling so much anger toward W right now. I know this is just a phase I'm going through. But I feel like I don't really have a constructive way to use this anger. Other than screaming when I'm driving alone, there's no place for the emotion to go. With the kids starting school and W away, my workout opportunities are limited. Any suggestions?

[LH19]

Hang in there man I promise it will get better. I remember the days of yelling when alone in the car. Now I mostly feel excited about my future.

Your wife will eventually start to see the consequences of her actions.

Feel your emotions. Cry and punch the pillow when you are alone.

Stay strong my friend!

[Holding]

Thanks, LH19!

Your wife will eventually start to see the consequences of her actions.

Thanks, but I try not to think about that. The thought of her seeing the consequences isn't as satisfying as it used to be. And when I do think about it, I realize it ignites that small flame of hope - maybe the realization will make her doubt herself and want to change course. But it's honestly too painful for me right now to feed that hope.

So I took S10 to the IC last night. He actually didn't want to go, and I had to talk him into it. I'm glad I brought him though. The IC is good, and she let him play with blocks while they talked. He started to open up a little, and now he actually wants to go back. She says he's still in denial, which is normal. On the ride home he told me I still need to love his mommy because we aren't divorced yet, and a "miracle" might happen. Then he said we need to win the lottery so we don't have to sell the house. (Internal rage intensifies...)

W will probably be back home tomorrow unless this hurricane thing in the Gulf of Mexico gets in the way. I don't think I've ever wished for a hurricane before

[Kylo]

Thanks, LH19!

Your wife will eventually start to see the consequences of her actions.

Thanks, but I try not to think about that. The thought of her seeing the consequences isn't as satisfying as it used to be. And when I do think about it, I realize it ignites that small flame of hope - maybe the realization will make her doubt herself and want to change course. But it's honestly too painful for me right now to feed that hope.

So I took S10 to the IC last night. He actually didn't want to go, and I had to talk him into it. I'm glad I brought him though. The IC is good, and she let him play with blocks while they talked. He started to open up a little, and now he actually wants to go back. She says he's still in denial, which is normal. On the ride home he told me I still need to love his mommy because we aren't divorced yet, and a "miracle" might happen. Then he said we need to win the lottery so we don't have to sell the house. (Internal rage intensifies...)

W will probably be back home tomorrow unless this hurricane thing in the Gulf of Mexico gets in the way. I don't think I've ever wished for a hurricane before

Thanks for sharing that. It helps me with figuring out what my boys might think of the house situation. It sure is heart wrenching. Reading about the kids hoping their parents get back together gets me every time. My only hope is that if the kids see that one parent wanted to keep the marriage together it will help mitigate the example that has been set.

As for workout ideas: If you belong to one of those palace-type gyms. Bring them along. Have them swim, or play basketball, whatever. But I'm guessing that isn't the case.

You could go to the local high school if you are more cardio oriented and tell the kids to play ball of some type (or lookup a body-weight workout, pull-ups, lunges, squats, jumps...) Playing football, with you being the receiver, could be good HIIT sprint training. Or you can really give in and enable the mobile hotspot on your phone and let them play ipad or whatever, while you do your workout. Keep in mind that changing your workout will probably stimulate new gains. I hated doing it, but changing my workout always gave me a good gain.

[Treasur]

Holding

Just re-read your thread. First of all, I can't imagine how painful it must be to hear your little boy say something like that...but it made me wonder. You're angry (understandably) and you seem to shut down and be a bit passive-aggressive in your responses when you feel that way. Is that fair?

I can see a couple of times when your wife seems to want to communicate, to invite you to sit with her...is she still doing that? If she does it again, and if you still want your M to have a shot, would a 180 for you be to listen and validate and be a little more open to communication?

And God? (Ha, what do I know, if you look at my thread you'll see my MLC H ran away and sees me as not worth even a conversation!) I don't think God takes orders, but I think he can be like a good father or mother. If your son comes home upset about something at school, as a good father you listen to him, hug him and try to make him feel good and strong enough to go back to school and face stuff the next day. For me, at the worst of times, I ask God to hold me and do that.

[Holding]

Thanks, Kylo and Treasur!

Kylo, I appreciate the workout suggestions. The real issue on weeknights is time. By the time I get home and finish dinner with the boys, there's not much time left. But I need to look closer at the schedule and see what I can swing.

You're angry (understandably) and you seem to shut down and be a bit passive-aggressive in your responses when you feel that way. Is that fair?

I'm starting to be more conscious of my tendency to be pass-agg. It's something I'm trying to work on. To be fair, my W does this, so it's a cycle I have to try to break out of. Sometimes I wonder if I'm acting like this because of my W - I don't remember being like this before our R. Ah, I suppose it's mutual. I need to stop making excuses.

I can see a couple of times when your wife seems to want to communicate, to invite you to sit with her...is she still doing that? If she does it again, and if you still want your M to have a shot, would a 180 for you be to listen and validate and be a little more open to communication?

There is a very small part of me that still wants to save my M. But I honestly have a hard time differentiating between an honest effort on her part and a temp check to see if I'm still a viable plan B. Any tips on how I can tell the difference?

After BD I did a huge 180 on my communication efforts with her. At first she just blamed me for everything, and I think I did a very good job of validating and listening. But it just didn't seem to make a difference to my W. Eventually she told me she wanted a divorce. After that I've had a real hard time seeing how things could turn around.

But the next time she wants a conversation, I'll be more open and direct. The only challenge is that my L has told me not to fight with my wife. I'm concerned that true honesty from both of us would lead to a verbal argument and probably raised voices (something we never did much of in our R).

On a lighter note, Hurricane Harvey has given me a few more days' reprieve from W's presence.

[Holding]

Surprise, surprise! Guess who showed up at home, 10 hours after telling me her flight was canceled?

Not really possible to GAL or get out the house. So now I'm trapped in the house with her during this hurricane, waiting things out. I swear this has gotta be the plot of a movie.

She mentioned she was taking the boys to a football game next Saturday and I was invited. She was given the tickets and has a ticket for me. I did not accept and do not plan on doing so. I'm going to have plans that day, but I'll be direct and tell her the reason I'm not going is because we're not a family any more.

She cleaned out a bunch of her craft and scrapbook supplies, and it made me get emotional (kept it to myself though). I'm concerned she might have thrown away some pics or artwork from the kids. It's very upsetting to see her slowly dismantling 18 years of M. I still feel absolutely horrible for my kids.

We discussed finances for the month of September and how to split the bills - no snarky comments from her this time, unlike last month. Then she started showing me some pictures from her vacation. I just looked and didn't say much. Later on she showed all her pics to the boys and asked if I wanted to join them. I told them to go ahead without me.

What's worse about this hurricane is that now some in-laws might need to come here if they get flooded. My mom tells me I'm almost done working off my time in purgatory, and will certainly go straight to heaven.

[Accuray]

Hi holding,

Based on your posts I'm assuming you're no longer interested in saving the marriage and are instead looking for support in getting through the divorce?

Acc