I'd tell him that him coming over is a bad idea because he told you he wants out of the marriage. Show him what that will look like. He's no longer in charge. He's no longer the man of the house. Him coming over at all requires your permission and you have every right to say no. You're in charge of the house now. He bailed. If you do allow him to stay over then he should be treated like a non-family member house guest. Offer a couch or spare room but definitely not the master bedroom.
TXHubby is quite right. Right now he has fired you from being his W which means you no longer have the same job responsibilities and he doesn't get to be treated like your H.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Thank you for your advice, I will take it into consideration. I don't want to be taken advantage of because I do feel like he tries to manipulate every situation.
Yes, he said he would be coming home on Sunday. He never even asked if it was ok, he just said he is coming over. I am just waiting for him to bring it up again so I can tell him that I don't want him coming over. There is no need for him to come home. He is only doing it because it's convenient for him but it has no benefit to me.
Yes, he said he would be coming home on Sunday. He never even asked if it was ok, he just said he is coming over. I am just waiting for him to bring it up again so I can tell him that I don't want him coming over. There is no need for him to come home. He is only doing it because it's convenient for him but it has no benefit to me.
Please stay strong and don't waver. He's cake eating right now. Leaving on his terms, coming over on his terms. He has said he wants out of the marriage. That means he can't come over whenever he wants. He abandoned the marital home. If you stay strong and disallow him to come over without your permission, and even then NOT to spend the night, I promise you'll blow his mind. The power dynamic in this situation will flip to you instead of him. He's not experiencing any loss right now for acting like an a-hole. Show him some loss. It might seem counter intuitive but I promise you it works.
I know I have to stay strong! I always seem to fear that me pushing him away or saying no to things will just make it worse. I guess because I'm afraid to loose him completely. I already feel like he is drifting away more and more although he still texts me once in a while, but I feel like he only does it when it is convenient for him. But, I will definitely stay strong and not waver! I don't even know how to say no without giving him a long explanation of why I don't want him coming over. I have a couple of friends that keep pushing me to ask for a divorce already, but I don't feel ready for that. Why should I, if he hasn't asked for one yet?
My husband decided to show up last night even though I told him I did not want him coming over. He says he is staying there until he figures out where he is gonna go live. I absolutely do not agree with this at all. I know I need to speak to him about this today. Should I ask if he is willing to get therapy together? I don't know what to do...
I have posted before about what has been happening in my 7 year marriage. My husband left our home a month and a half ago and has returned only because it is convenient for him to live out of our house because of his job. He says it will only be for a while until he figures out where to go. We had already agreed that by him leaving he would pay for 3 months of rent until we figured everything out and he would go stay at his moms house for the time being. He has been here for a week now but his plans are to stay here during the week and leave by Friday for the weekend than come back Sunday night and stay for the week and so on until the end of September which is the last month we had agreed on.
While he has been here it's been very uncomfortable for me, he tries to make small talk and act like nothing has been said or done. If I'm going somewhere, he asks where I'm going. The other day I came home late because I was hanging out with family and the next morning he says I didn't hear you come home last night, what time did you come home at? And I just said oh it was late.
Three months ago he said he loved me and cared about me but that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He told me everything I felt for you went away completely and that just [censored]. He said he let everything just bottle up and he never talked about it because he didn't want to have arguments over it. I obviously asked if we could try to get help to work things out and he says it's not him and he doesn't feel like trying to work anything out. But just a few days before he told me how he felt he was still telling me I love you and I miss you and I even asked him if he was saying all that just because and he said no I don't think so. Just a month before he told me everything, we were fine and he had even told me that he wanted us to plan for a wedding ceremony since we only got married through court. He would text me and ask me if I wanted to go out on a date with him and this was just two months before. He has than said and has done a lot of things that contradict all that. He has told me that I broke his heart because he felt he wasn't ever good enough for me or that I despised him, which is not true but maybe certain things or actions I had towards him, brought him to feel this way. I have apologized for anything I could have said or done that made him feel that way. Than he says what I have decided to do, did not have to happen but one day you will understand and you will be grateful for it. I asked him what he meant by that because I did not understand and he said I don't know it's hard for me to explain things. He says why do you want someone that is not caring enough for you? He says why do u want to be with me? I'm a mess. All he has been doing lately is going out to drink with friends and has had no responsibility for anything else. He says he is over partying but than says I like to go out. He says he doesn't want to be married but than says I do want to have kids but not with you. All he has done lately is go to work, wash his car, wait for the weekend to go out and than do the same thing all over again. The cable and Internet have gone out on me because he hasn't been paying bills and not because he can't but because that's not even a responsibility he wants at the moment. While he has been here he has said he would go buy water or walk our dog and none of that has been done, I am obviously not expecting any of that to be done because I know in the condition he is right now but that's how unrespsonsible he wants to be at the moment. Two nights ago he went out and didn't come home until 3am and the next day he had to work. He left to work really late and because he was in a hurry as he was arriving to work he hit a parked car while he was trying to park next to it and who does he text? Well me and than says sorry I won't bother you again but that's the same thing he said when he moved back in, he said I promise you I won't bother you anymore after this. He is constantly changing his reasons as to why he doesn't want to be with me anymore but than texts me like nothing trying to make small talk. He recently said if I really wanted to be with you than I don't think I would want to go out and party by myself, what does that even mean?? I really feel like he is making excuses and trying to find ways to blame me for what he is actually going through which I believe is depression.
When I think back to a year and a half ago, He stopped doing a lot of things that he used to do. He was going to school, and he used to do things around the house, he stopped playing with our dog and not put much interest in him like he used to. Just a lot of little things that he used to do, he stopped doing. He recently told me that has thought about driving his car really fast and crashing it to just die. I've asked some close friends of him how they have seen him and they say that he acts normal with them. His mom, his family and I are really concerned about him. She says that when he is there he just seems like lost and only seems to care about him. He says he knows he is all over the place and needs to figure his life out. I have talked to him about seeing a therapist or getting closer to God and although he has in someway admitted he needs help, he says that's something he needs to find for himself. There is so much more but I could just go on forever.
I could use some help, I don't think any of this is healthy for me either but I just don't know what to do. It's affecting me to see him in this situation. I feel like I am getting used sometimes.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/21/1712:08 AM. Reason: remove link
I could use some help, I don't think any of this is healthy for me either but I just don't know what to do. It's affecting me to see him in this situation. I feel like I am getting used sometimes.
So my husband has officially moved out, and has found a new place, which he is moving into next week. The last time I saw him was at the beginning of August. He has not tried to come over anymore. We have talked only twice since he left. I am just moving on with my life at this point but I need advice as to file for divorce or wait on him to touch the subject? I feel like in order for me to completely heal I need to detach completely and that is through divorce as well. He obviously is out of this relationship since he is clearly moving on. Although I'm not sure why he won't talk about divorce. His grandma told me she asked him if he wanted or was going to get a divorce and she said he didn't reply at all. I just don't feel like I can sit around and wait for him to figure it out. Any advice would be helpful thank you!
