When my father was dying and about to be sent home, he asked me if I would help him to die if he got to that point. I said I would. I have always been grateful to God that he then got too ill to go home, and my last gift to him was to get him into a hospice. He died looking into my mother's eyes. Would I have done as he asked? Yes, because I loved him and I knew why he felt that way. Was it selfish of him to ask me? Probably. He knew that everyone else would say no, and he knew I was enough like him that I would get why he asked. It would have been a hard thing for me to live with. But it would have been from love on my part.
If I love my H as I say I do, isn't letting him go a similar choice? It isn't what I want or hoped for. I see some of the chaos he has created for himself too, so that keeps me thinking it's not the 'right' choice for him. But truthfully, how can I know? Maybe it is. Maybe love means accepting that he knows what is best for him right now and this is it. And just because I love him so much, it doesn't give me the right to think I control his life or know what is best for him. (And I think I did in our M sometimes.) So, is loving my H really about letting him 'move on' with as much grace as I can muster?
If I love myself, isn't easing back from the chaos of a wounded depressed H a good choice too? I had someone who cherished me, whose face lit up when I walked into a room, who thought I was irreplaceable and always wanted to talk with me. I was part of a team. Until I wasn't. But I did trade in bits of myself at the service of that team. I did it willingly, but perhaps too often. Maybe loving me is as simple as saying 'enough' to the pain.
Truthfully, I'm not sure who I am now. Or where I am. Or what I will do next that makes me feel I matter and that my solo life is good enough to be worth the losses. But I do know I have to try, even though I miss my family every day. I feel as if I am no longer in the central space of anyone else's life for the first time in 53 years. I have friends, good friends, but the reality is that I am on the edge of others' lives. But I know I have to have faith in what I can make next, even if I have no idea what to do. That's a big step because off and on, I haven't been sure my life is worth the effort. And it feels like a really big effort is needed.
So, the D stuff will rumble on. Eventually it will end. My H will move on to the new life he wants i the way he thinks best, whether that turns to to be a good life or not.
I'm just stood here trying to figure out now how to Make A Life rather than Get A Life. No idea what that looks like, but it is the reality of where I am. I hope that more of my postings now will be about that than about my H/D/M/MLC - all of which are either lost or outwit my control.
I know I'm a worthwhile person, I do. I just don't know what to do with that at the moment. I was talking to someone last week whose H died 2 years ago. Listening to her, she feels much the same as where I am. Pleased to have survived the grief but not sure what to do now.
I'm a bit frightened, I think, that I don't know and I don't quite see yet how to know what I don't know. (If that's not too Rumsfeldian!)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
My head knows it isn't about me. But to be 'sent to Coventry' for months does make you feel as if after 18 years someone thinks you are less than nothing, not even human.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Sorry you are ruminating about this. I think it is the lack of respect in the way they treat and treated us when leaving that really twists the knife. I am still reeling and giggling about the latest news of mine but know, in fact, it is not good news for me. Their behaviour beggars beyond belief.
You know the real reason, it is guilt and they have taken the coward's one way ticket to crazy land. We are collateral damage. You know this. You are doing great. It is all creeping up because of your Wed. meeting. Stay strong. Right now he is someone you just have to do business with. Show confidence. It will make him really uncomfortable.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
Sorry I've not been around for a few days there is some real crazy stuff going on with my sitch these past few days which I will post on my thread.
You're having a real tough time right now and understandably so I hope today is a good day. Lets sort out meeting up soon. Weekends are slightly difficult for me with the kids but lunch in London would be good.
Take care SJ xx
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I think what has been (understandably) difficult in my sitch with a vanisher is that I know very little. A few facts - he was diagnosed with severe depression & had a breakdown, I got the ILYB/please wait for me flip flop for a few months, he refused to communicate then 'divorce is the only option'. Wouldn't talk to me, see me or respond to emails for about a year. He filed 8 months ago, still no communication. He has been in a relationship of some sort for about a year, but sees her at weekends. I don't think OW was a catalyst for this, but I think he made a choice in about May 16 to invest in a new relationship rather than step back to me. He has spewed a bit but mostly complete silence. He has never said either 'this is what I didn't like about you/M' or 'this is what I did like but don't now'. To this day, I don't know why he wants a divorce. The closest to a reason is he said 'I need to find something on my own'. That's it.
He still won't say why he wants a divorce, just that he wants to 'move on'. All that has changed is that he broke cover a couple of months ago wanting to 'talk'. What that seems to mean for him is divorce first, talk second. He says he can't talk 'openly' while we are also dealing with L stuff. To be, this is ridiculous, a real 'horse bolted' thing, but it evidently makes sense to him. There has been some textbook MLC stuff.
Now all of this is as it is and I will deal with stuff as I go. We're supposed to be talking on the phone tomorrow about £ stuff. I may lie and say I have an emergency and need to reschedule. I'm not sure I feel in the mood to do it this week. I'm focusing on other priorities.
Emotion aside (and I've had/have lots!), it is pretty tough to have no idea why your H wants to divorce you after almost 20 years. None. The only way to make sense of it is to mind read but mind reading isn't very helpful, is it? I genuinely don't know what to say when people ask me other than 'He had a depressive breakdown and decided to leave me. He never said why.' I can accept where I am and deal with what I need to deal with, but it is weird.
It's hard to know what to do with that in terms of my own sense of reality, and self-worth and learning. Other than it isn't about me, I suppose. Or probably even our M much but we never got the chance to even talk about that.
What do I need to see that I'm not seeing?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I think I might be just edging out of the dark and focusing on a fresh start. Slow learner or what! Maybe it was sitting and watching the eclipse yesterday, although only partial here in the UK. But still cool.
My H chose (for whatever unknown reasons) to behave as if I had no voice in actions that significantly impacted my life, my M, my finances, my home and my sanity. None. That's not fair or reasonable. Being sent to Coventry after 18 years when the effects were so huge was a cruel s**tty mind**k. It is not something a healthy person would do, but he isn't healthy and he didn't/doesn't care about the impact on anyone else.
But I do have a voice even if he doesn't want to hear it - and doesn't deserve to probably. I can speak and choose my own voice about all of those things, even though I can't influence his thoughts or actions.
So, that is probably where I am today. It feels like a better more honest place to be. What do I want? To invest my energy in my own life. To move forward while still appreciating my past blessings. To know that I had a damned good M and I'm a damned good woman, irrespective of my H's broken bits. It wasn't my job or the job of our M to fix them. And right now, I'm tired of D [censored] so I'm doing nothing about it this week. He can wait...Lord knows, he made me wait long enough!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Decided to do what I need. Sent following email to STBXH.
From my point of view, you decided a long time ago that I had no right to a voice. About our marriage or how your choices were significantly going to effect my life. Don’t know why you did and I don’t agree with it. I think it was unkind and unrealistic.
I don’t see that your attitude to that has changed. Which is fine. But I still don’t agree.
I’m fine to talk about the financial stuff. It needs doing. I just don’t feel like doing it this week. I was going to make up an excuse but I’d rather just be honest.
I’ll be free to have that conversation next week. Weds 30th about 6pm would work for me.
Guess I've reached the point of no longer caring much. I've spent a year trying to deal with the practical stuff while he just sat in his MLC cave. Now he wants to 'move on', and has 'shifted' in this last few weeks, different perspective. And I just don't feel like talking to him this week. It's that simple. So he can wait a bit. Don't care if he applies for the Absolute because I have accepted that D is inevitable anyway. Don't care if he gets p'd off and wants to backtrack on the financial stuff - I'll just fall back on the court option. Don't care how he feels or what he thinks. Just don't care. Quite a nice feeling....like BadA** Acceptance.
Instead this week is about me and doing some happy things.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I know I sound like a broken record but I know how you feel! Was having the same conversation with myself before I had the Mediation meeting and really considered postponing it. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to postpone because I didn't know what would transpire from it. I kept the appointment because I knew it would alleviate the anxiety I was feeling about it and I would have to do it eventually anyway. Unlike my husband who runs away, I confront those kind of things. It actually made me feel more empowered and no big decisions had to be made that day and may have sent message to husband that I am not waiting around anymore.
Not sure how your email will read to him. I do sense the anger in it and you have every right to express and feel that but he may just tune out because that's how they are. It's like talking in a wind tunnel. I also feel the frustration of never being able to have an adult conversation with a sane person when talking to the WAH. Any confrontation makes them run but no confrontation illicits nothing.
Glad you saw the eclipse it was rainy and cloudy here. Up for London but would have to be either Friday or Sunday as I am going away next week and not back until early Sept. Not a lot of notice and if SJW is onboard I know with kids those are not the best dates but if you are feeling impulsive, let's do it.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
