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Parkema Offline OP
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Hi LH19,

Wow I thought my goals were more specific for me! Being more positive and outgoing (in general) , less pressured to worry about WW and our situation and such.

It amazes me how people perceive things differently. I feel sometimes I don’t explain myself well, I am detaching (can’t do more than leave the marital home and children) and don’t pursue at all BUT what I do do is show her this confident happy individual who is moving forward in the knowledge that whatever happens he’ll be okay.

Hopefully she will see the changes and start to wonder…

BUT I will not isolate her when she initiates a conversation, obviously I have boundaries (no talk about the A or her AP/LO) and no raised voices just someone who listens and validates her when I feel the time is right.

I will obviously never condone what she’s done and continues to do.

Thanks again.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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I’m a firm believer that people don’t leave something for something worse and it’s this that drives me to be her “safe place” and friend when we interact


The biggest flag for me here is "safe place". As LH19 said, with the level of disrespect you are being shown - and btw I am amazed at your fortitude in light of this - you most definitely cannot be her "safe place".

I know this is nuanced and you have your boundaries in place for certain things, but I think that she truly has to see you as being 'lost' to her. She has to gain respect for you and that will be hard if you are her safety net.

I think a good dosage of indifference and confident attitude which communicates you have 'dropped the rope' to her is important. She needs to see that.

The situation is more complex because she is still in your house with the kids and has not had to experience the consequences of her behaviour. Can you not reverse the roles and ask her to move out and get back in the house? I mean, it must be killing to see the OM in your house - like a full replacement.

Can't you turn the tables around on her? She can do what she wants with OM, but find her own place and do it there and you move back in?


No one is coming to save you!

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Mark, regarding your W's softening position, that IS good news! Like 25 said you can't read too much into it, but like we're always saying here DB'ing is all about baby steps and those are baby steps. When you see baby steps like that then do celebrate it, but don't change your approach, just keep doing what you're doing. Nice work on the DB'ing smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I agree with Maika 100%. You cannot be a safe place for your W. And uf you ask anyone on this board. The OM doesn't even compare to them before they made changes. Let alone the people they become after the change. That was the hardest thing for me to comprehend and understand. Why am I competing with someone who who on paper I am superior to? So get that thought process out your mind real quick.

Not sure how you allowed your W to get the house. And allow OM to move in. But you need to change that real quick if possible. Your making things way too easy. W needs to experience loss and consequence. OM is living it up at your expense.


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Hello All,

I wish I could reverse the home situation but can't GB basically favours the mother/wife irrelevant of the circumstance's.

I tried to "outstay" her but the atmosphere was damaging to the boys so had to move out had no choice! I understand your thoughts on the safety net but just cant get my head around her wanting to come back to the M if I don't show her a better option but again what I'm doing is primary for me then her.

We cant control anything these people do so the AP/LO in my house again is something I couldn't stop from happening, I'm open to options from anyone..?

Always said that basically my hands are tied and just have to work on me and have faith that one of them comes to their senses.

Thanks again all.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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I understand your thoughts on the safety net but just cant get my head around her wanting to come back to the M if I don't show her a better option


I think you really need to work through this safety net mindset and drop it. If she sees you as the safety net - the familiar, the comfortable, the predictable - she will most likely keep disrespecting you.

Also, you cannot do anything to show her that you are the 'better option'. That has to come from her. She has to see it. You have no control. That's why DBing is about saving you and if the M is saved, then that is even better.

You want to keep the door open, and her to know that it is open - I get it as I was in that same place. I said it to her in different ways and actions, but it did not change any of her behavior. When I started to actually not care and show her that I can move on without her, that's when I have gotten the most reaction from her. I am in no way through my sitch, but just sharing from my relatively short experience.

Your focus on 'safety net' and 'better option' is all about her, and not you. You need to work through this.

I am sorry about the house situation. But as it can't be changed, you don't need to focus on it.

Sorry for being so straight forward, but I feel your pain coming through your posts and I am so sorry for what you're going through.


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Parkema Offline OP
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Maika,

I appreciate your comments, you're right of course I really need to let her go and look after me.

"What will be will be".

Thanks again and good luck in your sitch.

Mark.


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Mark,

I am sorry if I missed this but what does "LO" stand for? Does it stand for "Limerance Other?" And why do you only refer to OM as "AP/LO" instead of just OM? I'm just curious. Could it be that you do not consider him or their A as a real R? Is it just too painful? I can't help but notice and wonder because I don't see this term in other threads. I also don't want your reasoning to prevent you from accepting the reality of their R and that it can, albeit unlikely, last for a long time. I know it's hard, but eventually it is something--and that she may never return to the M--that we want you to be able to wrap your head around.

Blu


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[quote=Mark_P]Hello All,

I wish I could reverse the home situation but can't GB basically favours the mother/wife irrelevant of the circumstance's.


But this^^ is NOT about custody, it's about OM living in your marital home with your children, and you not.

I understand the stress you felt with her galavanting around out of the home with OM.
I really do.

Maybe detaching more and seeing an IC could have helped you cope - OR you staying in the home and her leaving (Did you ever discuss that with her?)

it is also about not exposing your kids to an OM in the home and acting like a replacement. Did you see a lawyer about this?

(Again, I am not referring to her getting custody but about OM in the marital home). Can you see a L now and explore your options?

I feel as if you assume the position of powerlessness and that concerns me.


I tried to "outstay" her but the atmosphere was damaging to the boys so had to move out had no choice!

Do you believe the present situation is actually better for the boys? It would confuse me.


I understand your thoughts on the safety net but just cant get my head around her wanting to come back to the M if I don't show her a better option but again what I'm doing is primary for me then her.

A LOT of this is hard to wrap our brains around. We project OUR feelings & values onto the WAS and figure this is what WE would need in order to return, but we are not them and they are not us.

We have to believe only what we see, Not what we wish for or once had or what they say...

The suggestion is not to be the worse option. It's to show her that her choices will cost her the marriage and that she is losing you. You are not giving her anything to miss by friending her.


No offense - but what you describe about being her friend, does not sound like a potential lover or mate for her to return to. It's more like a co-worker she can dump her workload on...Sorry


We cant control anything these people do so the AP/LO in my house again is something I couldn't stop from happening, I'm open to options from anyone..?


See a L for your actual options and do not assume a position of powerlessness -

and talk to an IC about how to deal with this. It has to be incredibly difficult. As much as we are all hurt, I think the sukkiest situations are when there are children around and an OM/OW involved. I feel for you.


Always said that basically my hands are tied and just have to work on me and have faith that one of them comes to their senses.


This ^^ is such a weak position. It does Not increase your chances of a reconciliation. I think that's what many posters are trying to say.

It's not about whether you should file for divorce, it's that your chances of a recon are lessened by this course. By being her friend and showing her that she can have her cake and eat it too, you enable her to live this way as long as she wants.
And if this affair does not last forever, why assume she'd return to you and not just find another man, again?

She knows she can have you around as a part time co-parent and flattering fan, AND she can have other lovers, even living in the house you are paying for.

I read an article from a WAH who left his first wife for OW.

He had an A and married the OW. A few years passed while his ex wife raised their kids mostly as a single mother. She did not date much for a few years.

He wrote that he saw her singleness as proof that he was better off with OW, b/c after all, his ex was obviously not very desirable if she was alone. He felt sure that if he wanted to return, she'd take him back.

When the kids were a bit older, she started to date. She met a man who treated her well and she loved him and married him. She was happy and she was at peace. He saw her and her new h treating each other well and finally saw that she was happy and loved.

ONLY THEN did the WAH realize he'd been a fool. Only then did he realize what he'd done, and what he had lost, the mother of his children and a great partner. He deeply hurt his family and he felt like crap...

Only when someone else wanted his ex, did he realize that he had not "won" anything.

To be clear, I'm NOT suggesting you use OW to date! I am saying you have given your wife nothing to miss...

And finally, I have to ask you a really hard question.

What do you believe your sons are learning about marriage and boundaries by being your wife's friend, and letting OM move into your home to "step parent" your kids and sleep in your bed, while you leave the home and live elsewhere?

Hey, I like that you are not acting with anger. And I don't think it's a spouses job to teach a WAS "a lesson" or give them the consequences that they've earned.

Life does that.

But you are actually preventing your w from learning a lesson or facing any consequences.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Parkema Offline OP
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Hi BluWave,

Firstly thanks for taking time to read my posts appreciate it, basically to cover all odds! I know she has an AP and initially I saw all the signs that limerence happened in her (I’m sure all of us on these boards know the signs of limerence in their partner) so I see him as her AP/LO just letters.
I’m sorry but I know their relationship with go through stages it has to, deterioration is an act of nature and something god can’t stop and so it’s the same for relationships. Can I ask did your marriage or relationship deteriorate? Must have or you wouldn’t have found these boards.

I FULLY understand what they have is L BUT a short term kind based on the fantasy, now I’m not saying or have ever said that WW will one day wake up and say to herself “what the hell have I done” and run back to the M I understand the most likely result is they will carry on their A and live in as just a bad relationship as the one they feel they’ve left behind.

Unless they realise that they have a problem whatever it may be these problems will again manifest themselves in their new relationship hence the saying “wash-rinse-repeat”.

I’m telling everybody on these boards I’m fighting for my M as it’s the right thing to do for my children, me and to a degree my WW how I do this is by listening to people like you to guide me on a well-trodden path BUT being slightly “pig-headed” I will take what’s useful and discard the rest.

“I know it's hard, but eventually it is something--and that she may never return to the M--that we want you to be able to wrap your head around.”
^^^^ Yes you’re right hard to get my head around but assume will come with time, patience is a necessity as MWD would suggest, this knowledge and the fact that I’ve only just started on my journey can only get me to where inevitably I will be. I know I can’t control any of this and what I do I do for me and my boys BUT with the ultimate goal of having my loving wife back as this is the whole premise of this site is it not..?

Don’t get me wrong I will continue to DR and am starting to see some benefits in DTR which I intend to keep up and escalate BUT when I get the chance I will try and re-build that relationship with my wife through being consistently happy and confident acting as if I know everything is going to be okay and not isolate her when she needs me the most.

When her A deteriorates with time as it will I want to be in the best position to show her that she has made the biggest mistake of her life.

Thanks again.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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